Chapter 48 Noah
NOAH
Gabe said he didn’t want me waiting around today. Said he needed to do this part alone. I told him okay. But I took the day off anyway. If he wants space, he can have it. I’ll go for a walk or something. I just want to be here when he comes home.
Aiden sounded concerned when I called off, but I told him it was just the flu. I don’t like lying to him, but I don’t know what Gabe wants to share with people, and I won’t take that decision from him.
I’m so proud of him for going. I waited by the window this morning, watching him walk to his appointment with tears in my eyes. The part of me that wants to protect him and keep him safe told me to follow him, but I know he needs to do this for himself.
I took advantage of the empty apartment and spent my morning in the small garden behind the store.
I snuck down there the other week for the first time, remembering Gabe saying he always wanted to do something with it.
It’s tiny, like he said, but it has great light.
I spent some time digging up weeds and thinking of things I could do with the space.
I’m no gardener, but I want to do this for him.
It’ll probably take a few months, but it’ll be worth it.
I have a solid Pinterest board going already.
When it’s close to the time his appointment’s supposed to end, I run upstairs to shower.
I dress fast—sweatpants and a clean tee—and see one of Gabe’s cardigans on the bed.
I bring it to my nose and inhale. That smell of amberwood and lavender I’ve come to love fills my system.
I pull it on, getting a sense of security in the feel of it. I understand why he loves them so much.
I stand at the window where I can stare down the street like a weirdo.
He turns the corner five minutes later. I start pacing the hallway. I know I need to calm down, but until I see his face—know that he’s okay—I won’t be able to.
The door handle rattles. I step back from the hall. I don’t want to crowd him. He comes in, hangs his coat on the hook, and kicks off his shoes, leaving them in our messy pile. Then his eyes lift to mine. They’re tired but bright. He looks more present than when he left.
“Hi, baby,” I say. I try to keep my voice level, but it cracks at the end.
“Hi, Blue.” It comes out so soft. He lifts the corner of his mouth in a small smile, and my heart works double time. I walk a little closer to him in the hall, and he steps into me, wrapping his arms around my middle and holding me tightly. I tuck my face into his neck, relieved that he seems okay.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask gently.
He thinks for a second, then shakes his head against mine. “Yes, but not yet.”
He pulls back and takes my hand, bringing me to the sofa. When I sit down, he straddles me and curls himself in so he’s under my chin. It’s impressive, really—a man of his size, but it feels so right. I rub soothing circles over his back as he melts into me.
“I’m going again next week,” he whispers. There’s a pause, and then he continues, “I’m going to go every week.”
Emotion clogs my throat, but I don’t care. This is Gabe, and I won’t hide it from him. “I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong. My brave boy.” I kiss his forehead.
He squirms a little and lifts his head. I see the flush on his cheeks and the shy smile. Oh, he liked that. I kiss the tip of his nose, and he laughs softly, eyes shining. He leans in close and brushes his lips against mine.
“Only you,” he breathes.
“Only me what?” I ask, watching him.
“Only you could make me happy on a day like today.”
“Baby,” I say, and it comes out shaky. It feels like a revelation.
He kisses me on the cheek. Soft and chaste.
My phone buzzes on the table. I glance at the screen.
Zeke: Everything’s covered, boss. Feel better soon.
When I look up, Gabe’s brows are pinched. He glances at his watch, then back at me. “Did you take the day off?”
I give him a sheepish smile. “Yeah. I wanted to be here for you. I won’t smother you, I promise. You can tell me to fuck off, and I will.”
That gets me another one of those lovely little laughs. “I’ll never say that to you. I’m glad you’re here,” he says, snuggling back into me as I breathe in his hair.
“How was the walk?”
“Longer than I thought it would be.” He looks out the window as he talks. “It was nice actually, walking around, seeing the different places we all went as kids.”
“Good,” I murmur, brushing my lips against his temple.
He glances at me, then at the cardigan I stole. “Is that mine?”
“No,” I say, then sigh. “Yes. But boyfriends share everything.”
“Hmm. They do. Remember that when I eat the last Oreo,” he says seriously, making me laugh.
“Do you need anything?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Just this. Just you.”
A long while passes, and we stay there, holding each other. Gabe starts trembling in my arms. His face is tucked against my neck, and I feel the dampness of his tears. It’s been a big day for him, and after everything that’s happened this last week, I’m sure his emotions are running high.
I cup the back of his neck and give a gentle squeeze, then start to rock us gently. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
“Noah,” he croaks through tears. “I need to say something, but I want you to let me finish before saying anything.”
I hold him closer, trying to anticipate what he might say. He pulls his face from my neck and meets my gaze.
His lip quivers. “It’s selfish,” he chokes out, “but I want to keep you. You make me feel safe, Noah. Safer than I’ve felt in years. And I’m so sick of being afraid. I want you to be mine forever, even though you can do better than me.”
I go to speak, to tell him he’s the best person I know, but he presses a finger gently against my lips.
“You do so much for me. You make me so happy, make me feel whole on my best days. And on my worst, you hold me and put me back together.” His voice breaks on a small sob.
“I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t come back to Willowrun. ”
My chin trembles. He takes a deep breath and rolls his forehead against mine.
“So, I’m going to be selfish, if you’re willing to put up with all my broken parts.
But you need to know it’ll be hard. I have a lot to work through.
I want you to be there for it all, but I understand if you don’t want to take on that burden. ”
Heavy tears fall down his flushed cheeks, eyes red-rimmed and full of vulnerability and fear. As if he thinks I could even consider walking away from him. He’s the love of my life, my other half, my everything.
“Gabe, no one is better than you,” I say, voice almost hard in its certainty.
“I see you. All of you. The way you take care of people, even when you’re hurting.
The way you love your brother, your niece.
The way you’re a friend people can count on.
You’re kind and gentle and giving in a way most people couldn’t dream of being. ”
I press my hand over his heart. “You will never be a burden. You’re the best person I know.
So I’m the selfish one for wanting to keep you.
I want you to be mine—my everything. My forever.
I’ll be selfish a thousand times over because I’m not letting you go.
You’re allowed to have bad days,” I add.
“You’re allowed to have bad weeks. You’re allowed to be a person.
And I want to be the one that’s there for you. ”
“Do you really mean that?” His voice sounds small and unsure, but I hear the desperate edge of hope.
I bring my hands to his face, using my thumbs to wipe away the moisture there.
“Do you remember months ago when I told you I was lonely in the city?” He nods, dark waves shifting across his forehead.
“You told me you saw me.” I lock our eyes.
“So see me, Gabe. See that I mean every word. See that it’s me and you, and that’s not ending.
I won’t let it. You are mine, and I am yours. I won’t give you up for anything.”
His shaking fingers press into my chest.
“I love you.” The words living inside me for so long finally break free. “Not some idea of you. You. Exactly as you are.”
His face crumples, and the tears start to fall heavily again, clinging to his lashes and falling between us.
“I love your sensitive heart, your kind soul,” I continue, like I have to get it all out now that I’ve started.
“I love that you’re quiet. That you don’t rush to fill silences.
That you listen—really listen—when people talk.
I feel safe with you. Like I can be myself without having to prove anything. ”
“I didn’t think anyone would ever say those things to me,” he whispers.
“I mean them,” I say. No hesitation. No doubt. Not when it comes to Gabe.
“I’m not easy,” he says, voice trembling.
“And I love you,” I reply simply. “That’s not going to change because you have hard days. I told you before, we are worth it.” My own tears are falling now. “I would take a thousand of your hardest days over a single one without you.”
Gabe presses his lips to my jaw as a sob wracks his body. Then my cheek. He brushes his lips against mine. It’s not a kiss, it’s more than that, it’s connection. All the while, his eyes hold mine. Green reaching for blue—like it’s always been meant to.
“I love you too.” His words land on my lips, and I can practically taste them. “Even when it terrifies me because I’m so afraid to lose it. I think I loved you before we even kissed.” He gives me my favorite smile, shy and warm. “I think I loved you when I first held your hand.”
My heart has never felt so full. Gabe’s smile keeps finding my mouth, like it’s got a homing beacon, and every time he kisses me, it sets blissful sparks under my ribs.
When he moves back, there’s a sad look on his face again. “What’s on your mind, baby?”
“I had this plan,” he begins, fingers trailing down my neck. “To tell you I loved you… the night everything happened.” He swallows audibly before continuing, “It was silly, kinda dorky, but I was so excited.”
I bring my hands down to his hips, leaning back to look at him properly. “Tell me about the plan, you know I love silly and dorky.”
His eyes are still red-rimmed, but his lips quirk as he watches his fingers move across my chest. “I was going to leave a Post-it on the apartment door saying ‘I,’ then another on the bedroom door saying ‘love’”—his gaze flicks up to mine—“I was going to wait in the bedroom with the last one saying ‘you.’” He laughs lightly, and I feel like I could disintegrate with the warmth flowing through me.
I grin at him. “I’d love that.”
His eyes sparkle. Twinkling shades of green. Morning light breaking through leaves. “I was planning to play ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling’ when I did it.”
An amused exhale leaves me. “Sounds amazing.”
His hands journey back to my neck, squeezing gently. “I wish I could have done that for you. I wanted it to be special.”
“You could do it any day, and I’d love it.
Or I could do it for you,” I say with a wink, causing him to smile again.
“Or… we could be one of those cringy couples that disgust people and do it all the time. People would come over, and the walls would be covered in cheesy declarations of love.” His shoulders are shaking now.
My voice grows more serious. “But this, here, is perfect just the way it is. Me and you, being close and open with each other. That’s all I need.
You’re what makes everything between us special. ”
“I love you,” he says again, like he can’t stop himself.
I can’t help it either, and I say it back just to hear the sound. “I love you.”
“Your heart’s racing,” he murmurs, palm spread over my sternum like he’s holding the center of me, and he is. This man owns my heart; it’s his to hold until my last breath.
“Yours too.” I press my hand to his chest, where his heartbeat surges strong and sure beneath my palm. The force of it makes my hand tighten instinctively. “We match.”
He noses against my temple with a pleased sound, an affectionate hum I’ve come to crave. “We do.”