Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MILLIE
T he hot water is heaven.
I don’t do much ranch work anymore. It’s just once a year that I spend a few days with everyone, because it’s a lot of work, and we need all hands on deck. It always reminds me that I both miss the ranch and that I’m happy owning my own business in town.
Because holy shit, muscles that I forgot were there are already singing and making it known that they’re not at all impressed with working so hard today. But it’s also a satisfying ache because it was on Holden’s ranch, and for the first time in his life, my husband saw how it’s supposed to be.
I could tell that he was a little overwhelmed, but he was his usual calm self, looking fucking hot as hell on that horse.
I’ve just finished washing my body and am about to lean back to wash my hair when the door opens, and my husband’s gorgeous blue eyes travel lazily down my body. He steps in with me, and without a word, I drop my arms and he takes over.
With my hands on his hips, Holden ensures that my hair is wet before he murmurs, “Step.”
He moves back, and I take a small step forward, my hair out of the water, as he pours some shampoo in his hands and then starts to massage it through my long hair.
With a sigh, I close my eyes and enjoy the way it feels when he takes care of me. The steam billows around us, circling us in a warm cocoon, and even though he’s now seen every inch of me, made love to me, fucked the hell out of me, it’s moments like this that are the most intimate.
When he’s tender and quiet.
A little intense.
I can’t really tell what he’s thinking, but that’s okay because he obviously needs this moment with me, and I’ll happily give it to him. To us.
His strong fingers against my scalp and sliding through the wet strands could put me to sleep. After a moment, he says, “Back in.”
I oblige and tip my head back under the water, and he rinses the suds away, and then we repeat the process with conditioner. He’s careful to make sure that there are no tangles before I step back under the spray for a final rinse.
Before he can get me out of the shower and towel me off, I reverse our positions and grab a clean washcloth and his soap and start to wash him. God, his body is beautiful. He’s broad of shoulder, with lean hips and muscles for days that scream for my touch.
He’s quiet, his hands at his sides, watching me with those intense eyes as I take my time with him. When I’ve washed every inch of his skin, I pull the nozzle off the wall and rinse him off. I want to return the favor of washing his hair, but he’s too tall.
I narrow my eyes.
Holden smirks and then lowers to his knees before me, and it brings tears to my eyes.
Before he can tip his head back to wet his hair, I lower my lips to the top of his head and plant a kiss there as his hands move up my thighs to my ass. His fingers dig into my flesh, holding on, as he presses a sweet kiss just under my navel.
“Be good,” I warn him as I urge his head back into the water and then grab some shampoo. I massage his scalp and scrub his hair, and Holden’s eyes close as he simply holds on to my hips and lets me wash him. The suds slide down his shoulders, sluicing through the hills and valleys of his body, and it’s so freaking hot, it’s all I can do to stay on my feet.
Once he’s clean all over, he kisses me again and then stands and shuts off the shower.
“You’re so quiet, husband.”
He tugs me against him and holds on tight, kisses my wet head, and then murmurs, “There are no words for this.”
My heart aches at the tenderness in his voice. At the love . And I can’t resist framing his face in my hands and kissing him softly.
We dry each other off, and then, with my hand in his, he leads me to our bed. He lifts me right off of my feet and gently lowers me to the mattress.
“You’re so goddamn beautiful.” His voice is rough as he covers me, giving me his weight. His elbows are on either side of my head, his hands buried in my wet hair, and his mouth hovers just an inch over mine. “I’ve never been prouder of anyone than I was of you today.”
I drag my hands down his back, enjoying the feel of him over me, around me.
“Same goes.”
His eyes flick down to my mouth. I can’t resist bite down on my lower lip, and with a growl, he covers my mouth and kisses me fucking senseless.
He’s not rough. He’s not impatient.
But he’s thorough, and as I spread my legs wider, hitching them higher on his hips, I feel the long, hard length of him against my core.
“Need you, husband.”
His eyes open, and he brushes his nose over mine. “Say that again.”
I lift my hips, loving the way he slides through my wetness. “I need you. Husband.”
He lowers his forehead to mine, draws his hips back, and pushes into me with one long thrust, filling me so completely it makes me gasp.
God damn, that metal drags against my walls, sending electricity through me.
“ Yes. ”
“Is this what you need, baby girl?” He nibbles on my lips and over to my ear. “Do you need my cock?”
“I need everything . ”
He stills for just a heartbeat, and then he’s no longer calm and gentle. He starts to move fast, thrusting hard, and when his hand closes over my throat and his thumb rests over my pulse point, I moan in happiness.
“Oh, baby, your pulse is fucking hammering. I want you to come on me.” His voice is a growl in my ear that only ignites me further. “I want you to give me everything you have to give, little rose. Do you hear me?”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Give it to me.” He pushes hard, rubbing the root of himself against my clit, and stars erupt behind my eyelids. “Look at me, wife.”
My eyes fly open. He’s staring down at me with so much love, so much intensity, it sends me over, convulsing and contracting around him as the orgasm washes over me.
I don’t even realize that I’m crying until he brushes his thumb over my cheek, catching the tears there.
“You destroy me when you cry, baby girl.”
But I can’t help it. With my arms and legs wrapped around him, I cling to him, giving him everything I have to give.
“You are my heart,” I whisper through the tears. “You are everything.”
He pauses, and then his hips jerk, and he comes with a roar before rolling over and pulling me with him, still connected, until I’m lying flat on him.
For such a hard man, he’s quite comfortable.
We’re quiet while our breathing evens out and our heart rates return to normal. After a while, he kisses my head and then rolls me to the side so he can clean us up.
And then he joins me, facing me in the moonlight. Lightning flashes outside, and then thunder rolls, and I grin.
“I love storms.”
“How come?” He brushes a lock of my hair off my face, and then the backs of his knuckles slide over my skin, as if he can’t stand not touching me.
“It’s like Mother Nature’s throwing a fit. All loud and dramatic. It’s kind of fun.”
“Hmm.”
“What about you? Do you like them, or do they scare you?”
He frowns, and a shadow passes through his eyes, so I reach for his hand, kiss it, and then tuck it with mine under my chin.
“You can tell me.”
“My sisters didn’t like storms.” His voice is quiet. “And he thought that was funny, so he’d lock them outside so they had to sit in the middle of it.”
Without a pause, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him against me, and he buries his face in the crook of my neck, clinging to me.
“God, Holden.”
“But now I have this memory with you. And it won’t be so awful anymore.”
“How did you all survive it?”
He sighs and kisses my shoulder, then my cheek, and we go back to lying on our pillows, facing each other.
“I had to survive it because I had my girls, Millie. After Mom died, I was the only one who cared about them. So I had to figure it out for them. But there were times, like during storms, that even I couldn’t keep them safe from his sick and fucked-up ways. He was much stronger than me.”
We’re quiet for a moment as more lightning and thunder roll around us.
“You know, a few weeks ago, if you’d have told me that we’d be here like this, married and talking about love and all that mushy stuff, I would have stabbed you in the heart.”
He smirks. “Mushy stuff?”
“We’re totally mushy. And I don’t usually do mushy.” I swallow hard and frown. “I’m going to say some stuff, and I don’t want you to run away from me, okay?”
“Nothing you could say could make me leave you, Millie.” His eyes are serious, never leaving my gaze. “Never . ”
“I used to hate you.” I swallow again, almost choking on the words that feel so wrong now. “Like, truly hated you. I was so resentful whenever you’d pop up around town, and even worse, when you’d come to my rescue. Do you remember a couple of years ago when I was in the bar, and those stupid tourists decided to be assholes, and you punched the biggest asshole of them all?”
“He fucking touched you. He’s lucky he’s still breathing.”
That gives me pause. My husband can be intense, and I have to admit, I kind of like it.
“I think I was angrier about the fact that you stepped in than I was at the idiot tourist. I would have punched him. I would have taken away his ability to father children.”
“I have no doubt. I got this tat after that night.” He lifts his arm and points to a roaring mountain lion. “Because you were a little hellcat that night. And I wanted to take you out of there and protect you from anyone who even thought about hurting you. But I couldn’t.”
I swipe away a tear that drops from the corner of my eye.
“You just wouldn’t stay away from me, and every single time, I wanted to swipe at you for it. I did swipe at you. I said horrible things to you, and I thought even worse things.”
“Baby girl, you have to stop beating yourself up.” He brushes away the tears.
“Why wouldn’t you just leave me alone? Why did you keep coming back for more of my wrath?”
“Because I couldn’t stay away from you.” There is no pause in his reply. No moment to reflect or think about it. “Because I was selfish, and I needed to see you like a fish needs water. Even if you were telling me to go fuck myself, at least I could hear your voice. If you were glaring at me, mentally planning my demise, at least I could see those amazing eyes. I knew that I deserved everything you dished out, and if you hurting me was the only way I could see you, so be it.”
“You’ve had too much pain, Holden.” I frame his face in my trembling hands. “More than any one person should have in their whole life. You don’t deserve that, and it stops now. Do you understand me?”
“Oh, baby, it stopped the minute you agreed to marry me. Nothing can ever touch me again as long as I have you.”
Sobbing, I burrow into him, and he wraps his arms tightly around me, rubbing his strong hands up and down my back as he murmurs words of love into my ear.
Later, when we’ve quieted and we’re all tangled up together, we fall asleep.
“How did you manage to get today off?” We’re sitting on the bed, eating takeout burgers for lunch. I’m in one of his T-shirts, and he’s in those gray sweats that make me crazy, and we’ve barely left this room all morning.
“I’m the boss, baby girl.” He smirks and opens his mouth when I offer him a french fry. “How about you?”
“Same.” I shrug. “I should have gone in, since I was gone for the branding yesterday, but they have it under control, and I feel like I’ve barely seen you this week. We’re newlyweds, after all.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “We need to go on a honeymoon.”
I smirk. “No, we don’t.”
“That’s something that newlyweds do.”
“I would say that our marriage has been anything but traditional.” I finish my burger and set the wrappers on the floor by the bed. “I don’t need the rock and the dress and the trip.”
His gaze drops to my finger at the mention of a rock, and I shake my head.
“I like my band. I work with food, so a band is the most sanitary anyway. Seriously, I have no complaints. How did we even start this conversation?”
I want to change the subject. I don’t want him to think that I need anything more than what he’s already given me.
“I should try to go see my dad this afternoon.” I sigh and scrub my hands over my face. “He’s not answering my texts or calls, and he can’t avoid me forever. He’s my dad . So, I’m going to take control and make him talk to me.”
I eye my husband, who’s watching me with shrewd blue eyes.
“I should go alone.”
“I agree. But I’ll be at my ranch, just five minutes away, if you need me.”
I love that Holden is always ready to jump in to help me, defend me, love me . It’s the best feeling in the world to know that all I have to do is ask him for help.
We get dressed and take separate vehicles out of town. I turn off first, onto Wild River Ranch Road, and Holden continues up the highway to his place.
I stay to the right when the road forks, headed to where my parents live in a newer, smaller house than the farmhouse that we all grew up in. Remington and his family live in the big house now, as it should be.
I notice that Dad’s big white truck is parked in the driveway, so he should be home.
Once I’ve parked, I pick up my phone and see that Holden has sent a text.
Your Husband: You’ve got this.
Why is he so perfect? I shoot back the kissy face emoji.
Stashing my phone in my purse, I climb out of the car and walk up the two steps to the front door. I’ve never knocked on my parents’ door in my life.
Never.
But this time, I do, and it feels so weird, I want to cry. However, I’ve done enough crying in the last couple of weeks, and I’m determined to keep it together for this.
Mom answers the door, and her eyes go a little wide before she tugs me to her for a big hug.
“Hello, my brave girl.”
“Hi. I need my daddy.”
She sighs as she pulls away. “I know, baby. He’s in the backyard.”
I nod, squeeze her hand, and then walk through the house to the sliding back door, open it, and walk through.
There’s my dad, with his back to the house, his hands on his hips, looking out at the mountains beyond. He’s a tall man, like my brothers, with wide shoulders. He hasn’t lost his muscles with age, likely because, although retired, he still works his ass off out here on the ranch.
“I thought you were about to go volunteer at the hospital.” He doesn’t look back, and his voice is rough. It’s clear that he thinks I’m my mom.
“I don’t have time for that. I have to set things right with my dad.”
He whips around and takes me in with wide, startled eyes. He looks like he wants to hug me, so I just cross to him and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tight, the way I’ve done for as long as I can remember.
“I need my daddy,” I tell him firmly. “And I know you’re mad, but damn it, I love you so much, and I know you love me, too, and this whole thing is ridiculous.”
Finally, he hugs me back and kisses the top of my head, and I can sigh in relief.
“I do love you.” His voice is rougher than before, and if I’m not mistaken, it sounds like he might have tears in his eyes, but I can’t stop hugging him. “I love you more than I can ever tell you, and you know it.”
“But you won’t talk to me. You won’t listen, and you ignore me . You know I can’t stand that, Dad.”
“Hey.” He takes my shoulders in his hands and urges me back so he can look in my eyes. “I’m fucking pissed as hell. I’ve never hit you in anger, but I want to paddle your ass.”
My dad may swear, but never at me.
“You’ve made that clear.” I frown at his chest. “You can’t go the rest of my life angry and not speaking to me.”
“Are you going to divorce him?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Then yes, I fucking can.”
He turns to walk away, and I storm after him, anger boiling through my veins now.
“ Dad. You’re being unreason?—”
“You don’t know the half of it.” He spins to me, pinning in his hot, angry gaze. “You have no idea why I feel the way I do and why I won’t bend on this. No Lexington will ever be a part of my family. They will not set foot on my property.”
“Dad.” It’s a whisper, and I shake my head. “Why?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“No, that’s bullshit.” I prop my hands on my hips and raise my chin. “If my own father is willing to pretty much disown me, I deserve to know why.”
“ Deserve ?” He stares at me like I’ve just told him I’m moving to Russia. “You deserve to know why. After you snuck off and eloped and then showed up here, parading that man around in front of our faces and pretty much demanding that we just roll over and show our goddamn bellies?”
“That’s not?—”
“There was no goddamn discussion, Millie. No one came and asked me for your hand. Your mother didn’t get to fuss and do whatever mothers do when their only daughter gets married. So don’t talk to me about what you deserve, little girl. Because we sure as fuck deserved more respect than what you were dishing out, and you know it.”
“You’re right.” I blink at him, and then my shoulders fall. “I didn’t handle it well. No one handled it well at all. It was a huge clusterfuck.”
It doesn’t matter that this marriage started out as a sham. It’s real now. I love him more than anything, and I’ll be damned if I’ll walk away after a year.
Not a chance in hell.
“I’m not getting divorced. If you don’t want to see my husband”—he flinches at that word—“that’s fine. We won’t come here. But you’re my father. You’ve always loved me and protected me so fiercely that I refuse to believe that you’ll have nothing to do with me. You are the first man I ever loved, and that won’t change. But you said that you were ashamed of me, and I’m here to tell you that I’m ashamed of you, too. Because you don’t know everything, and you refuse to listen. You’re so stubborn, Dad.”
“Hello, Pot.”
“Argh!” I can’t help it. I stomp my foot on the ground and fist my hands in frustration. “I love you. When you’re ready to be reasonable, you know how to find me. And when I need another hug from my dad, I’ll come find you.”
“All right, then.”
I shake my head and walk back to the house, but he says my name, stopping me.
“Yeah?”
“I love you, too.”
“Stop being so stubborn, old man.”
“I will when you will.”
I feel a little better when I drive off of the ranch and then head for Holden. But nothing with my father is resolved. I don’t know what to do or say to get him to talk to me about why he’s so against my marriage to Holden. I know he hates Holden’s father, but my husband never did anything to him. As far as I know, they’ve never said three words to each other.
Loving people is complicated.
I’m out of sorts when I drive up to Holden’s barn on his ranch. The property looks so much different than it did that first time I ever drove out here. And it feels like a weight has been lifted, from the land itself and from the man who owns it.
My husband saunters out of the barn door, his eyebrows climbing when I get out of the car.
“How did that go?”
I take a long, deep breath. “He’s so fucking stubborn.”
“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t stop walking until his chest is flush against mine, and his arms wrap around me in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, Rosie.”
“Yeah, well. I’m stubborn, too, and he’ll snap out of it eventually. I need to go for a ride on Betty.”
He leans back and frowns down at me. “I’ll go with you.”
“It’s okay.” I shake my head, and when he tightens, mistaking my mood for pushing him away, I frame his face in my hands. “I just need an hour by myself with my horse, husband. It’s nothing personal.”
He exhales and tips his forehead to mine. “I don’t like it.”
“Nothing can hurt me here, remember? That’s all gone. This doesn’t even look like the same place, and it definitely doesn’t feel like it did. I’m safe.”
Holden’s serious blue eyes roam my face until, finally, he nods once. “Okay.”
With a grin, I boost onto my toes and kiss him on the lips. “I won’t be too long.”
I pull my phone out of my pocket and shoot a text to Remington.
Me: Hey, FYI, I’m going for a ride and will probably cross from Lex to Wild property. It’s just me. Don’t have one of the cronies shoot me.
I smirk and push the phone back into my jeans as Holden lifts a brow.
“I had to let Rem know that I’ll be roaming around.”
Side by side, we walk into the barn, and I take my time saddling up my girl. I love the entire riding experience, including the prep and the cleanup when we’re finished.
It soothes me, being near Betty. She’s been my horse since my sixteenth birthday. We’ve grown up together.
“Has she been happy out here?” I ask, sensing both Holden and Levi not too far away. “I should come check on her more often.”
“She’s settled in well,” Levi assures me. “No issues with the other horses.”
“She’s a social girl.” I kiss her nose, and she nudges my shoulder in return. “Any bear sightings lately?”
“No, ma’am,” Levi replies, and I turn to see why Holden hasn’t said anything. He’s just staring at me, his arms crossed over his chest, those eyes hot and narrowed as he watches my hands move over my horse. “No bear in a couple of weeks. There was a mountain lion a few days ago on the south perimeter.”
I frown. “Mama?”
“We didn’t see any cubs,” Levi returns. “You know your shit, Mrs. Lexington.”
“This is in my blood, Levi. Of course, I know my shit. I have bear spray, but I don’t have a rifle. Do I need one?”
“No.” This is from Holden now, and he crosses to me and kisses the top of my head. “Nothing’s going to hurt you, little rose.”
I smile softly. “Okay.”
“There’s no cell coverage on the east border,” he continues softly. “Stay away from there, just in case. I want you to be able to call me at all times.”
I nod and then frown. “Wait, your east border is the Wild west border, and I planned to wander between properties.”
“Do it towards the north side, and you should be okay. That blind spot worries me, and we need to put a tower over there.”
“If you stay north of the creek,” Levi adds, “you’ll be golden.”
I nod and swing up on my girl, rubbing her neck as we settle. “North of the creek. Got it.”
Holden’s big hand rubs up my thigh and then over and down Betty’s flank.
“Be careful, wife.”
I nod and then urge Betty out of the barn. Once we’re in the warm spring sunshine, we take off in a gallop, headed for the north side of the property through the trees.