Chapter 20 #3
It was the word breakup that finally pushed her over the edge. Not the word itself, but the fact that Yasmine knew she was using it for comedic effect.
“I don’t like it when you joke about that.”
She immediately regretted saying it. Regretted it more when Bella’s face fell. Yasmine tried to turn away from her, but Bella gripped her waist, fixing her there.
“Joke about what?”
Yasmine’s stomach clenched. Her eyes darted down to Bella’s hands, holding her there firmly. Everything about this woman was inescapable.
“I… Everything you said while we were at Aster’s apartment,” she stuttered. “Calling me your… girlfriend. Talking about us breaking up, as if we were ever an item. It’s not funny to me. It’s… confusing.”
Yasmine had no idea where she was going with this, or why she felt so defensive about it.
All she’d meant to do was put an end to the needless petting and hand holding—things that did not belong in a scientific environment—and now words were falling out of her mouth uselessly like fish flopping out of a barrel.
Yasmine hoped Bella might see her discomfort and drop the topic, but instead she studied Yasmine’s face with a great and sudden intensity. Her eyes were like a loaded bow. They were the same in that way, horrible at letting things go.
“Oh.” Bella paused, frowning thoughtfully. “I apologize.”
Seeing the distraught look on Bella’s face, Yasmine began to retreat immediately. “That’s not necessary. Really, let’s just drop it.”
Bella shook her head. “It is necessary,” she pressed. “Like I said before, back at your apartment—I don’t think it’s funny to give people the wrong impression. I think it’s one of the worst things you can do to someone. Really.”
Yasmine’s face burned, feeling an unfamiliar pinch of rejection in her stomach.
“You weren’t giving me the wrong impression,” she said quickly. “I know exactly the nature of our relationship.”
The words sounded convincing enough. At least until Bella continued staring at her.
“We’re friendly,” Yasmine went on. “We’re coworkers.”
Bella’s expression didn’t change.
“Look—we’ve slept together. You think I’m attractive, I think you’re attractive.
We have a mutual intellectual respect. That’s all there is to it.
” Despite the conviction in her voice, the sentence felt flimsy.
“I understand why the jokes were funny, I just… I’d rather we not play around with it.
We don’t have to make it into a whole thing. ”
Bella’s expression softened. Her gaze stayed on Yasmine for a long moment, like she was trying to choose her words carefully. Then she shook her head, almost imperceptibly, and frowned.
“See,” she said softly, and her voice had changed in a way that made it sound thinner than before. “I did give you the wrong impression.”
Yasmine’s brow creased. “What? How?”
Bella looked back up, and laughed.
“Because I wasn’t teasing you like that because I thought our relationship was something trivial,” she said. “It was… wishful thinking, on my behalf. Projection.”
For a moment Yasmine simply stared at her.
Wishful thinking?
The words seemed to arrive several seconds late.
"...What?"
Bella's gaze dropped to their joined hands. "It's embarrassing, but..." She let out a short, humorless laugh."I've never been with someone, and actually found it pleasurable. It’s always been very transactional for me.”
She traced her thumb across Yasmine’s palms for a moment, swallowing.
“I think… selfishly, I want to hang onto that pleasure for as long as possible, and I get threatened when you try to take it away.”
Her voice softened, barely audible, like she was retreating into herself.
“But I shouldn’t be putting that on you,” she whispered. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve been able to enjoy my own body.”
“Transactional?” Yasmine echoed. “Bella, do you mean—”
Bella had been homeless. She had money issues. And it wasn’t like she could just Suggest money out of people like Sylvia.
Bella exhaled a short laugh before Yasmine could finish.
“No,” she said. “I’m not a prostitute. Formerly, or currently.”
Her gaze shifted away from Yasmine’s face, lingering on the gurney instead.
“At least not in the way you’re thinking. But my job back home wasn’t completely different. My body was very much an asset to the work.”
Yasmine’s frown deepened. There was it again—that job. From the unspoken before times.
She couldn’t do it anymore. She was trying to be good, trying to press less, like Aster had done so masterfully—but she had to know.
“Bella,” she exhaled, squeezing her hand tightly. “What was your job?”
Bella smiled sadly, then slowly broke their hands apart.
Before Yasmine could miss her touch too much, Bella reached out to push a lock of misbehaving hair behind Yasmine’s ear. It felt like electricity.
“Stealing,” she admitted, finally, with a tight smile. “From noblemen.”
“Stealing? Like what, their possessions? Selling them for money?”
“No. Stealing their life force. Like, their souls.” Bella sighed. “And giving them to my mother.”