13. Kelly
13
KELLY
I knew it.
I freaking knew it.
This promise of security and protection came with a stipulation.
Of course the Baranov family wasn’t going to let me in and accept me as one of their own to protect and take care of. My friendship with Eva had been my first “in” with them, but even that wasn’t a strong enough bond to warrant these men and soldiers putting their lives on the line to keep me safe.
Rurik had. Last night, he’d volunteered to save me from my attacker and follower. Without anything being agreed upon between us beforehand, despite the fact that I hadn’t even seen him or talked to him for a couple of months, he’d taken it upon himself to act as my defender.
Since he’d shown me that he’d been wishing to be with me for a while, so much so that he’d uttered finally when I gave him my virginity, I had at least the start of a hunch that he cared for me more than as a friend. It seemed implied that we’d already had a connection that ran deeper than a fling or mere acquaintances, friends who’d met each other through friends.
But it couldn’t be something as deep as love. Or blood. I was just… me. Still a nobody, but with the impression that I could be someone worthwhile to the Baranov organization. I now had this prospect of mattering to this band of criminals—should I agree to work for them.
“I’ll be right back,” Rurik said after this meeting over breakfast seemed to be concluded.
Oleg Baranov hadn’t pressed me to answer him right away. He was a perceptive man, noticing right away how stunned and lost I was with his offer of a commitment to his family.
“Think about it over the weekend,” he suggested before calling for his men to follow him into the study.
I nodded, vaguely aware that I’d moved my head at all.
The offer to spy for a Mafia family just wasn’t something that happened every day. These were not ordinary circumstances to digest. But then again, nothing about my life had ever seemed ordinary or normal. Just hard. Difficult. A constant struggle and loss of belonging.
Rurik had gotten up to go with his boss but not before checking in with me. “Kelly?” He held on to my upper arms and ducked to be more at my eye level. “Did you hear me? I’ll be right back.”
I blinked, wanting to nod and let him know I didn’t need to be babysat in this enormous mansion. I was a guest, of course, but also maybe a potential employee?
“I’ll keep her company,” Eva said, coming up to sit at my side.
“Go on. Go on,” Irina urged him, shooing him with her hand for him to go with the others. “We’ll sit with her.”
“I…” I swallowed, wishing my throat wasn’t so dry. “I don’t need to be supervised,” I muttered once the men had left.
“But you do look like you need to scream. Or vent. Something.” Eva winced as she studied me, insisting that I get up with her and follow her out of this lavish dining room.
“I just need to…” I shrugged as I walked. “I need to think.”
“About taking up Oleg’s offer to spy for him?” Irina asked, walking with us until we reached what looked like a lounge area or living room, but so huge. The couch they led me to sit on was the softest surface I’d ever touched. So cushiony, so soft. Eva slapped a small throw pillow on my lap, and I immediately hugged it. She did the same with another small pillow, also sitting with her legs crossed. It was so simple, so familiar. We’d done this the few times we’d talked at her apartment—like what I imagined “normal” twentysomethings did when they had girl talk and stayed up late just talking and sharing.
Irina didn’t grab a pillow but sat back and propped her feet on the coffee table. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Eva smirked at her as I scoffed. “Not that big of a deal? Yes, it is. Unlike you two who were born into this life, I’m an outsider. I’m a normal citizen. I’d be making a huge jump to the criminal side.”
Irina shrugged one shoulder. “Oh, big deal. You’re an ‘innocent’ who’s going into cahoots with the ‘bad guys’.” She blew a raspberry.
I never said I was innocent. If anyone were to mention the name Matthew O’Malley, she’d rethink tossing out a comment like that.
“I bet it would feel like a big leap, but it’s not like we’re another species,” Eva said.
“I know that, but my God, there’s no going back once I’m in.” That was what got to me the most.
“And why would that be bad?” Irina asked. “Seriously. Look around you. You were treated to a night with complete security of soldiers and guards keeping this place secure around the clock. You didn’t struggle sleeping with a worry about anyone bothering you or breaking in, right?”
I nodded.
“We have chefs, house staff,” she added. “No worries about expenses or making sure your loved ones have what they need. When Vik brought me here, Oleg also saved my brother.”
“And if you want to have the freedom to finish school, there are options,” Eva said.
“Yes, and if more criminals in another Family are mad at any of the Baranovs for any of the crimes they’ve committed, we are all walking targets by association.”
Irina studied me. “What is it, then? You want to be independent and have no association with anyone else’s wrongdoings?”
“Partly.” That was actually a huge part of it. “I had to be independent like that. In the system, I learned very early that I had to be my own agent. No one would look out for me but me. And that went for whom I tried to befriend as well.”
“Okay, but also on that note,” Eva said, “didn’t you also lack anyone who’d want to look out for you?”
Irina nodded. “Yeah. Wasn’t everyone fending for themselves? A survivalist mentality?”
“They were. Are.” It wasn’t hard to agree with that. But that was a gross generalization they couldn’t ever fully understand. “I just…” I sighed. “It’s just a lot to consider.”
“I imagine it is,” Eva said. “I notice this sort of whoa moment when new recruits are brought in to be trained as soldiers.”
“It’s asking me to trust you all, and that’s a big step I don’t take easily.”
“You trusted me,” Eva reminded me.
“Yes,” I said. Within reason.
Her jaw dropped. “Wait a minute. Is that why you stopped answering my texts and calls after the semester? You got so distant from me.”
I shrugged. “It was part of the reason. I didn’t want to be seen as someone close to a Mafia family. Labels are important to me.” A bigger part of the reason I’d wanted distance from her was because it hurt my heart to “lose” her to Lev. Eva had been the first real friend I’d ever made, and when she and Lev got together, she was distracted by the newness of their relationship. I didn’t hold it against her as a grudge, but I recognized how she was pulling away from me, too.
“But, like I mentioned already,” Irina said, “why would it be so bad to be in this family? You do realize there’s no way they’re just going to let you walk out of here. Not with all you know.”
Eva swatted her with her pillow. “That’s not true, Irina. Uncle Oleg would let her go. She’s not a hostage here and she won’t be forced into anything.”
Irina shrugged, opening her mouth to argue with Eva, but I held my hands up and acted like a referee between them. “I get what you’re saying. Both about why I should want the luxury and safety that comes with being here and also the fact that no one would entrust me with family secrets out there. I get that.”
Both women watched me closely.
“And I don’t think I could walk away.”
“Is that a yes, that you’ll help spy, then?” Irina asked.
Eva swatted her again with her pillow. “Stop being pushy.”
“Well, it’s not like it’s a big deal. Spying isn’t that strenuous. And it’s for the greater good. The more intel you can share with the people you care about, the better you can have their backs.”
“Did your dad really make you spy for him?” I asked her.
“Yes, all so he could try to be the most powerful Mafia leader in the area.”
“Yet you’re engaged to become a Baranov?” I wasn’t sure why I was letting myself get sidetracked to ask her about how she’d gotten here. Her replies wouldn’t be a resource for me to compare to. Her decisions wouldn’t be on the same level as any that I would make.
“Yes,” she answered again. “Because my father was a sadist and only cared for himself. He abused and manipulated my brother to ensure I’d do as he asked. It wasn’t until Vik and Oleg stepped up that I could know and trust my younger brother would be cared for and healthy again.”
“You chose to stand with the Baranovs,” I concluded.
She nodded, smiling proudly.
“I would choose to stand with Rurik,” I said, not blushing with this honesty. “That’s what I mean when I say I don’t think I could walk away.” After glancing at Eva, I cleared my throat and hoped to explain without sounding crazy. “I know Rurik and I didn’t have many chances to talk to each other or really get to know each other when he was on campus to help Lev with your security, but it was the start of his being in my life at a distance.”
Eva nodded, smiling more. “Yeah. And you were around him a lot. I guess you can’t say you hung out with him much personally, but I saw how you two became acquainted.”
“So when you left and didn’t come back, when I no longer saw him here and there, I… missed him.”
“You missed him because it meant I wasn’t there?” Eva teased.
“I missed him because I’d noticed him and liked what I saw. I could admire him as this strong man who valued protecting others. I didn’t have that before. I’d never really known anyone who’d go into a security role so selflessly like that, and it drew me to notice him and watch him more.”
Irina frowned, glancing at Eva. “Are you referring to the foster families you had? Any of the foster parents who had taken you in to supposedly have the security role over you but not selflessly?”
I nodded. “Foster parents. Social workers. Teachers. Counselors.” They were all supposed to be sources of hope and help. And they seldom were, too preoccupied with abusing, neglecting, or taking advantage of us.
“Any figures of authority, huh?” Eva asked.
I nodded. “And more than those.” Like… cops.
Seeing how little I could trust in those who called themselves givers and caretakers made me so jaded, I figured I’d never shake this attitude.
“But in this context,” Irina said, “the Baranov family are not the givers and caretakers as society would expect, not the ‘good guys’.”
“Are you suggesting I look at this proposition as if you can’t join them, beat them ?”
She grinned. “A little.”
I sat there for a long moment, thinking back to what I’d been trying to explain to them. “It’s just that I couldn’t walk away from Rurik. I know it makes me look na?ve and sound so dumb, but I feel like he could be the one to break me out of this funk. He’s so protective and careful with me, like he actually cares. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe I’m just an easy piece of ass to him and I slept with him under the illusion that he genuinely is concerned about me. I have no clue how long he’d be interested in me beyond last night, but I’m fully aware of how I am interested in seeing where this could go with him.”
“I don’t think you have to worry whether he’s concerned or it’s an illusion,” Irina said. “Not when he killed someone to keep you safe.”
Eva nodded. “Yeah, that’s about as hardcore as they’d go. Burn-the-world-down-for-you kind of dedication.”
I wasn’t looking for that, but I had gotten a preview of how much he could feel about me when he’d killed that man last night. All I was excited for was the chance that my hopes about Rurik could be real, that he really was the handsome, rugged protector who would always be my backup in life.
Anything like that would be better than going at this existence alone. Always so alone.
“Try looking at it this way,” Irina said. “What do you have to lose? If you don’t want to spy for the Family or whatever Oleg is thinking of, what do you have to lose?”
I raised my brows at her. “Assuming I’d be able to walk out of here if I said no?”
Eva groaned. “Of course you’d be able to walk out of here. We’re not holding you hostage.”
“Yeah,” Irina said. “What do you have to lose if you stay here and stick with Rurik to see where it could go? What do you have to lose if you agree to help the family?”
Since she was a former Petrov, it was remarkable that she could say the family and mean the one she was in now, the one that used to be her rival.
I sat and seriously thought about her questions, running through the answers in my mind. “It’s more like I need to ask myself what I would have to lose if I didn’t,” I said. “If I walked out of here without any obligation to get information from anyone as a spy, if I walked away from what Rurik and I could start building, I could be killed. Let’s say another one of Jerome’s friends followed me. What if Jerome thought stalking me wasn’t enough? If I didn’t have Rurik nearby, they could kill me.”
I loathed the dependency on him, but I saw how good it felt to be protected and not have the burden of survival only on my shoulders for once.
“Why, though?” Eva furrowed her brow. “What does this Jerome guy have against you? Have you even talked to him since he showed up on campus?”
I shook my head. I didn’t mention that note he’d left in my math book when I napped at the library, that message of I know what you did… And that technically wasn’t communication with Jerome since I never followed up or tried to ask about it. I was too scared to face him because of the secret about O’Malley that he could hold over me. I was determined to keep my past in the past and not have to face the fact that I wasn’t as innocent as they thought me to be. I wasn’t proud of how I’d handled myself on that one fateful day.
“He just knows me from before,” I replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy them. “He’s not a good person, so whatever he’s up to, it’s not good.”
Eva seemed to tell that this conversation was wearing on me. She patted my thigh. “Just think about it all, okay? You don’t have to deal with school with the break. It’s a good chance to just consider it all. But if you ask me, this is great news for you. It’s a good thing to have us as a family.”
I stared at her, wanting to agree. After a lifetime of having no one and counting on nobody but myself, it was a hard adjustment to make.