17. Kelly
17
KELLY
W hile it was kind of sneaky for Rurik to threaten to withhold sex from me just to get me to go to the stores with Eva and Irina, I was amused by how well it worked.
I’d gone from being a curious virgin, limited to infrequent orgasms by my hand, to a sex addict. I doubted that anyone other than Rurik could have morphed me like this, though. He was so hard and tall, a huge, bulky man of muscles and taut skin I liked to lick and taste. He was skilled with his mouth and tongue, making me cream so much for him that I was embarrassed. According to him, you weren’t really doing it right if it wasn’t messy. I had nothing to compare him to, and I didn’t want anything to compare him to, but I swore to all that was holy that his dick was perfection. Long and thick, but so damn tasty. I never realized how thrilling it could be to suck a man off. It didn’t matter how recently I’d gone down on him to give him head. I wanted to do it again. And again. And?—
“Just what are you thinking about over there?” Eva asked as we left the first store where she’d talked me into getting everything that captured my attention. Our tastes were different, but she acquiesced to what I liked.
If I was blushing before, I was flaming red now. Being caught red-handed while thinking about sex was humiliating.
“Ooh.” Irina giggled next to her as we went to the next store. One of the Baranov guards was taking our bags out to the car. At first, I balked at the concept of having someone else carry my things around. But they assured me that was what they were hired to do, and I didn’t want to prevent them from doing their jobs, did I?
“She’s thinking about fucking her man,” Irina teased.
I sighed, looking straight ahead. “Uh.”
“Were you?” Eva asked.
I shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”
“It’s hard not to at first,” Eva said.”
“What do you mean, at first ?” Irina smirked. “You and Lev aren’t some old married couple yet.”
“I mean when it first happens. We go from being a virgin to being…”
“An addict,” I finished for her.
We all laughed, and somehow, talking about something as simple but complicated as sex acted as a level to my mood. I gave up on resisting the fact that they’d forced me to shop. It felt like I’d given in, but I couldn’t argue that I had needed clothes and essentials like shower stuff. Rurik had ripped all my panties, too.
They shared how they’d adjusted from virginity to having someone to fulfill their needs whenever and however they wanted. When Irina spilled all about how she and Vik had sex for the first time in the library, I was flabbergasted and stunned speechless.
Over shopping and getting iced coffees, we had real girl time. I’d never lowered my guard to let others in like this, and it almost felt as transformative as sleeping with Rurik and practically living with him did. Letting Rurik show me how to let go and give him the chance to help me rely on him was one thing, but these friendships rounded me out even more.
Later, after we’d gone to all the stores where they thought I’d need to get things, we headed to the dress shop. Eva was convinced that Irina and I would be her bridesmaids, and neither of us told her otherwise. I couldn’t be sure what would be happening in my life by then, but I felt confident that I would still be with Rurik. I was nowhere near done spending time with him and sharing a bed with him. If my time with him would be contingent on whether I spied for Oleg, then I couldn’t make a call about that yet.
“How come you grew so distant from me, though?” Eva asked as she waited for the dress shop clerk to show her the dress they’d been altering for her wedding. “At the end of the semester and afterward.”
I let out a deep breath and faced her, knowing I had to come clean and just tell her the truth about that. “It hurt too much to see you with Lev. Don’t take this the wrong way. I am so, so happy that you’re happy, that he’s happy. That you’ve found each other and are so in love. But it was hard for me to witness it up close because I felt like a burden and a third wheel.”
“No, Kel, that’s not?—”
I held my hand up to cut her off. “I know. You didn’t do anything wrong. You weren’t rubbing it in my face or anything. It’s me . It’s not a you problem but me.” I pointed at myself for emphasis. “I wanted that. I still do want that someday. I hate how jaded I got watching you and Lev get together and fall in love, and I hate even more that I was jealous. But that’s why. I kept sinking into this rut of thinking that it would never happen for me.”
“It could,” Eva said with a sly smile.
“Um, I think that it already has ,” Irina cut in. “Every time you and Rurik go to the main house for meetings or dinner or whatever, you guys are so damn cute together.”
I scrunched my face. “Cute? How so?”
“For one thing, he can’t take his eyes off you,” Irina replied.
“And you blush or get this little smile every time you notice he’s watching you,” Eva added.
I did just that right now. I couldn’t wipe this wide grin off my face. Hearing about how Rurik and I looked like a couple felt like a solid piece of proof that we were good for each other. It was natural to be with him.
“Don’t give up on him,” she advised with a wink.
“Oh, I’m not in the mood to give anything up.” The longer I stayed with him, the less inclined I was to go back to my place and ever be alone again. We were living together this week, but it wasn’t like he was suffocating me. I’d read while he went off for something for Oleg. I’d studied a little with online materials while he watched TV. We just clicked, and I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.
This, too, would be hard to give up. This sisterhood with Eva and Irina was more than friendship. Only they could understand the pressure and danger of being a significant other of someone in a crime family.
I caught myself from getting too attached to them, but it wasn’t easy. We bonded so well, even to the point that I, not Eva, could call Irina out for acting sort of funny.
“What is it?” I asked. “You’ve clearly got something on your mind.”
She bit her lip, obviously trying not to smile.
“You’ve been fidgeting all afternoon,” I told her.
She didn’t reply, but then in a sudden burst, she blurted out, “I’m pregnant!”
That was our cue to cry out in surprise and celebrate. Being able to join in on this good news was exciting, and more than once, I realized how I wouldn’t have ever been able to participate like a happy friend if I hadn’t taken a chance on Rurik after he saved me.
Too quickly, the mood shifted. It turned for the worse when I spotted a pair of cops strolling by outside. Both of them were in uniform, just walking on the sidewalk, probably on the beat, but the mere sight of them tore me out of this elation over Irina’s news. Fear settled in my heart instead. Distressed, distraught, and dismayed, I tried my hardest not to let the visual impact me so strongly.
It’s not O’Malley. I knew that specific cop who’d hated me wasn’t walking past this dress shop. I’d made sure of it that he’d never walk anywhere in uniform again. Yet, seeing others in his same role put me right back to the misery of the day when I last saw him.
“Kel?” Eva asked, looking at me from the dressing room dais where she could check the progress on her beautiful wedding gown from all the angles.
Dammit. I had to do better than this. I had to work on hiding my emotions again. It was so freeing not to be so tense and guarded with these two women or with Rurik, but I couldn’t let anyone know about that moment in my past. They’d never look at me the same again. She’d noticed how quiet I’d gotten, and I hurried to distract her from worrying about me or wondering what was wrong.
“So, Irina. Who will walk you down the aisle?” I asked, reaching for anything that would pull Eva’s attention off me for a while. Nothing worked better than hefting the focus onto someone else.
It worked. Irina scowled, shaking her head, and Eva rolled her eyes. “Not Igor Petrov,” Eva answered.
“Hell no would I want that man there. He wouldn’t set foot at my wedding anywhere.” Irina looked at me. “He’s been quiet, but he has got to be so mad and livid that his only daughter is marrying a Baranov, his worst enemy.”
“He hasn’t even reached out to get Maxim,” Eva said.
Here and there, I’d gotten enough of the full story about Irina and her younger brother. It was a wild tale, but also a curious one because so far, Igor Petrov had yet to fight back or attack the Baranovs for taking both of his kids.
“Igor would never wish to see me marrying the enemy,” Irina insisted. “And I don’t even care. I have no desire to care what he thinks or wants.” She flung her arms out and did a slow twirl. “I’m free. I’m liberated from his control. And now, with my man, I have control over anything and everything I could ever want.” She stopped spinning to smile at me. “And you could be this happy, too, Kelly.”
“I am happy. I’m happier.”
“But this,” she said, tapping her heart. “If you let love in, it sets you free from all the crap that held you down in the past. I can’t begin to know what you’ve been through. I won’t pretend that I know how hard your life has been. I’ve struggled too. If you were trapped by your circumstances—of being in the system or not having a family or trying to get by on too little—I can say that I know how hard that is. I was there. I survived that too, but in a different way.”
For her to say that, she had to have had such a terrible life as Igor Petrov’s daughter. He was wealthy and powerful, and still, she'd suffered.
“I was stuck being his spy and doing all that he wanted. I didn’t have a family, not with him or when I was separated from my brother. And I was permitted only to have what he deemed necessary. It’s a shitty way to live, but the moment I told myself that it would be okay to trust Vik with my heart, it all changed for the better. Because he makes me stronger.”
“Exactly. Love always makes us stronger,” Eva said, taking my hand and squeezing it.
I nodded, too moved by their support to let my nagging, stubborn doubts get any louder in my mind.
Love would set me free too. I was certain of it. I was getting more and more certain I could have real love to tie me to Rurik, the patient and generous Mafia man I couldn’t resist.
But I wasn’t sure how I could rectify the deep conviction that my secret about Officer O’Malley’s demise wouldn’t damn me by keeping any of these Baranovs from wanting me around anymore.