Chapter 5
5
H er therapy session went great the next day. She felt like she was gathering up the speed to make a breakthrough. And while she knew she had a giddy smile on her face, Henley hadn't called her out on it.
A small victory because if she had to talk about why she was smiling ear to ear, she might burst into confetti!
Silly? Sure!
Ridiculous?
Probably.
Henley didn't even refer to her notes.
They'd talked about whatever topic came into Aubree's head.
It was kind of oddly freeing, just talking about whatever.
"Oh, I was thinking about trying a Pilates class."
Henley grinned at her. "I'm glad."
"Really?" Aubree frowned at her words. "I'm likely making a mess out of my schedule and the schedule of staff here. I know when I we filled out the paperwork, I was dead set on just doing weight training and cardio. I even remember arguing with my physical therapist from the hospital."
"What was that argument about?"
"She wanted me to branch out and try some approaches that I considered way outside of my wheelhouse.
"Police," she continued, "don't need Pilates as much as we need hand to hand and defensive sparring."
Henley's expression turned inward as if she was focused on her thoughts. "Is that your mindset or what's been drilled into you?
"Get out of my head." Aubree chuckled. "I was just thinking that my thoughts were all my dad." Aubree flopped back against the cushions and shook her head. "When I put in my application for the NMSP, my dad put me through a rigorous training before I went to training. "
In her head she could still hear him as he set a hand on her shoulder and leaned in to meet her gaze. "No child of mine is going to walk into police training clueless."
"Aubree?"
Aubree closed her eyes and leaned into the sensation of his voice.
When it faded completely into her memory she looked back up at Henley. "Sorry. I heard my dad's voice in my head."
Henley nodded. "Your dad worked for the Los Alamos Police, right?"
"Pretty much all of his adult life. He served a few years in the Army at the demolitions base near here. That's where he met my mom. Both of them have visited places out of New Mexico, but they've both always lived in the state." Aubree adjusted herself on the chair, leaning a little on one cushy arm to ease the tension building in her back. "When my brothers would wrestle around as kids, I wanted to join in, but they always told me that our father would kick their butts if they hurt me.
"Now, I didn't want to get hurt. I just wanted to have fun."
"And your brothers certainly looked like they were having fun, right?"
"Oh they did!" Aubree laughed and she enjoyed the sound of her own laughter.
It had been a while.
"And even when they got bruises, they showed them off like trophies."
"Tom boy?"
Aubree bared her teeth awkwardly. "Hardly. At least not on the outside. Mary Janes. Pinafores. My mom loved dressing me up and my dad? He found the most beautiful communion dress for me. I'd never felt so pretty."
Aubree felt the heat rising in her cheeks. "I kept wanting to play games with my brothers, but that was a no go from the beginning. When my little brother Pablo became a toddler, they pulled him into the fun.
"And there were some nights I went to sleep in the wee hours of the morning because I was just angry. And I wanted to scream at everyone to be taken seriously, but that's the problem, isn't it? My dad would have given me one of his looks and said in no uncertain terms that yelling would only get me negative attention. So when he took me aside and said he'd train me before I went to training for the State Police, I felt like...
"No, I knew that I was being accepted."
"Because of his interest in helping you?"
"No," Aubree smiled, a melancholy grin, "that he wasn't going to take things easy on me."
Henley crossed one leg over the other and leaned on the armrest. "That's one way to take it."
Aubree shrugged. "Asking him what he meant wouldn't do any good."
Henley's expression became more thoughtful. "Why not? Do you think your dad wouldn't tell you the truth?"
"Hard to say. I don't think he'd keep the truth from me, but I also don't think that he's really thought about the reasons why he does the things he does. It's different from when he was on the police force. He was always super honest in his reports and his dealings with other officers.
"It made for difficult times for him. For the family, really."
"Can you tell me about it?"
Aubree hesitated for a moment and then she shrugged, settling into the chair, needing the comfort. "It's all public record. My father turned in his partner for taking bribes. People were trying to avoid tickets and in a few cases arrest. At first it seemed like Nick, that was his name, was just making questionable decisions, but when my dad saw Nick accept money from someone after letting them off of a pretty hefty ticket, he confronted him.
"Nick tried to explain that it was a donation for the youth athletic league. The excuse was an empty one. Both my dad and Nick knew that Nick was the guy who was least likely to get involved in anything benefiting others.
"Nick was all about Nick."
"What happened when your father turned him in?"
Aubree shifted on the chair again, her gaze dropping to the carpet under her bare feet. "Well, that's not exactly public knowledge."
Henley nodded. "You don't have to tell me, Aubree."
Aubree looked at the walls around her and the open doorway into the private office. She still couldn't close herself in without taking a sedative. "There aren't any recordings, right?"
She tensed when Henley raised a brow in her direction.
"I just have to be sure."
Henley's smile was easy and the gentle look in her eyes said that she wasn't upset.
"Nick was allowed to retire. It was at a huge cut in his pension, but it was... more than he deserved."
Henley nodded.
"He moved away, to where? I don't know. I'm not even sure that my dad knows either. And after that, things weren't the same for my father. Nick was popular with the other officers. Very popular. Of course, it was likely because he was taking money on the side. Money he could spend on making people like him. Bringing people to his side. My father was everything Nick wasn't. My father was a true officer of the law. We never had much. We had our road trip vacations. We had our family gatherings, but we never had a lot of fancy things.
"That certainly didn't keep any of us from wanting to go after our own badges."
Henley smiled at her. "Why do you suppose that is?"
"Satisfaction. At least that's why I joined. I have no expectations to ever make a name for myself on the force. I don't care if I never end up in the news or getting an award. But when I help a lost child find their parents or pull a distracted driver off the road, I feel good. Canned food drive for the local Food Bank? It feels damn good." Aubree nodded. "Satisfaction. I like doing good things for people and helping keep people safe."
"I get it."
"I know it sounds a little cheesy, but I think it's the way we lived. It made an influence on me and my sibs, too. One of my mom's neighbors said we're just a family of do-gooders and I don't think I've ever seen my mom so happy."
Aubree felt her stomach drop and her cheeks grew heavy.
"That was a week before Diego died.”
She took the time to breathe in and out a few times, gathering her thoughts and feelings.
“Do you want to talk about that?”
Aubree shook her head instead of speaking.
“Okay.”
She relaxed a little, looking off to the side.
“I’m just not… ready. Our family still doesn’t talk about it much. Same with Jay.”
She felt a twinge of pain in her chest, and she lifted a hand and pressed the heel of her hand to the center of the pain.
She pressed harder and harder, but it barely relaxed. The pain dulled but it didn't go away.
Henley sat forward on her chair. "Are you okay?"
Aubree forced herself to look up into Henley's troubled gaze.
It was nearly impossible, but she did it.
"I think I just need to walk."
Aubree was up and, on her feet, before she could think twice.
One foot in front of the other she made it to the open doorway and reached for her walker.
"Aubree, wait."
She turned around and tried to ignore the way the world around her shifted, off balance.
Thank God the walker was there for her to hold onto.
"Aubree? Can you look at me?"
She lifted her chin and met Henley's gaze.
"If you could wait a minute or two I can have someone come and walk you to wherever you want to go." She gestured back into the room. "I have another client coming in or I'd walk you."
Aubree started to shake her head, but her hold on the walker was shaky.
Literally.
And the ache in her chest was only becoming more painful. She could feel her heart behind her sternum pounding again and again and again-
"I'll... I'll sit over there." Her head tilted in the direction of the chairs by the window. "I'll be there."
"Okay."
Aubree saw Henley reach out to her, but didn't touch.
It was a gift, Aubree decided. If Henley had touched her, no matter how gently, she knew she was likely to break down in tears.
She was barely holding onto her calm as it was. "Th-thanks, Henley."
"Okay, sweetie. Pick a seat and someone will be right here."
Ruben threw open the door to Henley's offices and forced himself to slow his steps so he could slow his heart rate too.
From the message that he'd heard, he knew that Aubree was struggling emotionally.
And he'd been in a similar position before so he knew what could make things better and what was likely to make things worse.
Calm.
Slow steps.
A soft voice.
Deliberate movements.
It was all the things that others had done for him when he was at his worst.
He didn't think that Aubree was at that point, but he knew how to help.
And help, he would.
When he reached the door to the outer office, he stepped into the doorway and took in the room in a single glance.
Aubree was sitting in a chair by the window.
Her walker standing guard between her and the door.
The brightly lit outdoors just beyond the glass.
Instead of taking the most direct path to her, he walked in a wide, sloping arc, keeping his gaze on her. Or rather, the area just above her head. If or when she looked up, she would see his face, but even if she thought he was looking at her she wouldn't feel the full weight of his gaze on her.
"Aubree?"
He was halfway to her when he spoke, but she didn't move or even acknowledge his presence.
"Aubree? It's me, Ruben."
Her chin moved to the side, less than an inch.
Her eyes moved next, moving across the glass as if she was following something that was moving outside the glass.
She seemed a million miles away.
"Aubree-"
"Why... Why do they call you Leon?"
She finished asking her question and while he struggled to keep his own breath under control, he moved a little closer, bracing his hands on the back of another chair.
Aubree's eyes found him and looked up from his hands to his face. "Is there... a story behind it?"
He smiled and she mirrored the gesture in part. "There's always a story behind a military nickname. Sometimes it's for a good reason and sometimes because someone messed up so badly it earns them never ending shit from their team."
Her next breath didn't seem to cost her as much and as she was about to stand, she lifted her gaze and met his. "I'm sorry that you had to take time out of your day to come and talk me down."
He wanted to pull her into his arms, not just because she was beautiful and his heart wanted to hold her close, but because she needed to know that she deserved comfort. That it wasn't a sacrifice for someone else to give it to her.
Taking a breath and willing his heart to calm down, he spoke to her from his heart.
"I don't think you need help from me to do that. You found yourself a place to sit and relax. You're breathing in and out and you asked for help. I think you're well on your way to taking care of yourself."
She smiled and then it wavered just the littlest bit. "You sound like you know."
He nodded and held out his hand. "I've been there. And I've struggled to see the other side of panic and traumatic stress. Want to take a walk with me? We can just walk or talk or... whatever you want."
Her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, and she bit down into it, looking at his hand.
He didn't waver. Didn't pull it away or lower it to his side.
He didn't even ask her to make a choice in a certain amount of time. That wouldn't serve a purpose.
There could come a time when she would need to make things work on a clock, but while she was at The Refuge, that wasn't their concern.
Her wellbeing and health were.
She reached out her hand and grasped his.
The strength he felt in that touch filled his heart with joy.
She'd made a decision and done it all on her own.
Reaching out, she grasped the arm rest of her walker and got up on her feet.
He noticed how quickly she got her balance, and the light touch she had on the armrest.
She wasn't leaning on it or him for balance.
"Is there a nice flat walk we can take?"
"Absolutely."
He felt her release his hand and he did everything he could to keep his expression neutral.
"I can point the way so we can walk together."
"That sounds like a plan."
Her smile was easy, and he mirrored her expression. "Okay."
When they stepped out into the sun, they both tipped their faces up into the sun.
"It's something to be grateful for."
He turned to look at her and saw the way her face seemed to look years younger.
"Sunlight." She drew in a breath, filling her lungs. "Feeling it on your face when you thought that you'd never see it again."
He watched her, his gaze moving over her face as if he was touching it with his hand.
When her eyes opened, she turned to look at him and he saw the difference in her eyes.
As the touch of the sun helped her face to relax, it was the depth of pain in her eyes that made him want to gather her close and hold her until she could forget how to hurt.
If only it was that simple.
"The accident." Her lips pressed thin again, but he didn't know what it was about her words that brought him so close to tears.
"I fell asleep, exhausted, unable to move, unable to see. I fell asleep fairly sure that I wouldn't wake up.
"I had no idea about how I'd gotten there. I didn't remember getting into my car after my shift. All of my memories about the crash started when I woke up, upside down, strapped into my seat. Exhaustion put me under. I don't even remember feeling tired.
"I was just out and then I woke up with the heat of the sun reaching into the car, touching my skin."
"Did that feel good? The heat?"
She lifted her face back into the sun. "It did at first. But that elation wore off quickly as I realized that I was still trapped. My head ached as if it was about to explode from pressure, and I could barely breathe, worried that the windshield wouldn't hold and then we'd be at the mercy of the elements."
"We?"
She turned back to him, a look of confusion on her face. "I'm... I'm sorry?"
"You... You said that we would be at the mercy of the elements. Who was there with you?"
"Hmm?"
He reached out and touched her chin, gently grasping it between his fingers so he could look into her eyes. "Who was there with you, Aubree? In the car. After your accident?"
She tried to turn away and he loosened his hold instead of tightening it.
He wasn't going to force her to look at him or do anything he wanted her to do. He just wanted to be there to help.
Given freedom from the hold of his hand, she turned to look back at him.
"You're going to think I'm crazy."
"Aubree," he felt the ache in his chest tighten. "I won't. I know what it's like to have my mind play tricks on me, but I also know that sometimes your mind will see things because it needs to process what you're going through, and images pop up in your thoughts. It doesn't mean that you're crazy. It's your mind protecting you."
"Well, there are times when I think that I'm losing my mind, when I'm awake and think about that time in the car and I can hear the growling. And feel the warmth of his hand holding mine."
Ruben felt a muscle tick in his jaw.
It wasn't right for him to be jealous.
Not now.
But no matter how much he tried to ignore that feeling, it was still there.
"Who was there with you, Aubree?" He let out a pent-up breath. "Please, I'd like to know who to thank for helping you through that time."
He felt like he could see her bite into the inside of her cheek before she formed the answer to his question.
"It was my bother, Diego. I saw him. Or rather," she tipped her gaze down to look at the ground, "I saw him in the eyes of the mountain lion who laid down beside me in that wreck."
"Your brother?"
She nodded. "Yes. Diego is my oldest brother. I mean, he was. He waited there with me until rescue arrived. I wasn't alone. And that was the only reason why I made it through that night and the morning after.
"If I'd been alone, I think I would have slipped away and followed him into the darkness."
Aubree looked at him and he could see the unspoken question in her eyes.
When he spoke, Ruben spoke from the heart again. It seemed like it was all he could do with Aubree,
"All I know is that I'm glad you lived. Glad that you came here for help. I hope that you'll never have to face something like that ever again. But if you do, I hope we can give you what you need to pull yourself through to the other side, because I'm glad you're here, Aubree. The world needs you."