Chapter 4 #2
“Ughhhh,” Milo said, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling. “Because of that all-hands meeting from 10-2, we grabbed coffee before work. Curses!”
“And you didn’t let me read the rest, but I think he was saying something about today as well.”
Milo snapped his head down to look at his phone, and his neck made a concerning-sounding pop. Since his head remained firmly attached to his body, he figured it must not be that bad.
He skimmed the beginning of the message Ray had just summarized until he came to the third line down.
Rowan: Hi, Milo, this is Rowan. I feel I should apologize for how long it’s taken me to text you, but Ray was quite adamant that I only text if I was certain that I wanted to get to know you better, and it took me a few days to reach that certainty.
I went to the cafe yesterday, hoping to see you, but I seem to have missed you.
Then today I was held up in a lengthy stakeholder meeting past 2. I wanted to ask you in person—
“Ask me what?” Milo murmured, and Ray scurried over, pressing up against Milo so he could read the screen as well.
Rowan: But since I can’t be sure I’ll catch you tomorrow, I decided to send this probably inappropriately long text instead.
So, here goes. Would you be interested in grabbing a non-poisonous muffin or pastry of your choosing this Friday after work?
We could meet at the same coffee shop or try somewhere else. I defer to you.
“Oh my gosh, he’s adorable,” Ray said.
Milo huffed a breath through his nose. “He’s so formal. Also, there are more words in this text than I’ve ever heard him speak out loud.”
“That’s better than being short and rude!” Ray said, his voice pitching up as he pressed even tighter to Milo’s side. “Do you remember how Andrew would—”
“Make plans by sending a text with only the date, time, and location? Yes.”
Ray sagged against Milo, as if all his energy had left him in a single breath. Milo pocketed his phone to wrap his arms around Ray’s back.
“Aren’t you going to respond?” Ray protested.
Milo shrugged one shoulder. “He made me wait around the coffee shop instead of just texting me sometime in the past six days. He can wait a few minutes while I reassure you that nothing and no one is going to take me away from you.”
Ray butted his head up against the underside of Milo’s chin. “I know that.”
“Even if something does happen with Rowan and me, you and Ethel will forever be my number ones.”
“I know,” he said, but much quieter this time. “I promise, I’m not worried about that. I’m just…”
Something nudged against Milo’s cheek, and he pulled back to see that Ray’s kitty ears had popped out of his hair.
“I guess I’m not used to worrying about you and other men,” Ray continued. “Usually, I’m just worried about you in general—”
Milo scoffed, but Ray shook his head, the tips of his ears tickling across Milo’s nose.
“I do!” Ray insisted. “I worry that you’re lonely, and that you deserve to have more family and friends than you have, and that Ethel and I aren’t enough—”
“Ray!” Milo said, trying to pull away, but Ray’s arms locked around him like a vice.
“Let me finish! I worry that we’re not enough to keep up with you and your boundless energy and huge heart. You have so much love to give, and I want you to give it to the whole wide world. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Milo’s pony stood still as a statue, not even a single hair in his tail moving.
“You and Ethel are more than enough,” Milo said, rubbing his cheek against one of Ray’s ears.
“But you’re right that I think I have the capacity to have more people in my life, even if I don’t necessarily need them.
But because I don’t need them—don’t need Rowan—I think that means I won’t get hurt if this doesn’t end up working out. ”
Milo had no way of actually knowing that. Unlike Ray, who had a brutal track record of getting his heart broken, Milo hadn’t given his heart the chance to break again after losing Anabelle and Andrew.
“You told him about being genderqueer,” Milo said quietly.
Ah, Milo had been waiting for this. Ray wasn’t always the best at bringing things up. He would often sit and worry or sit and stew, depending on what the occasion called for.
After running into Rowan at the coffee shop the previous week, Ray had waited until the end of the workday to ask Milo if he was switching to using they/them pronouns.
“Don’t worry about it for now,” Milo had said. “I’ll keep you posted.”
Milo’s intent had been to do some thinking about his gender and his pronouns over the weekend, but instead, he had spent most of his time with Ethel, while his pony fantasized about a tall, ginger man.
Well, okay, that wasn’t entirely true. He’d tried to think about it, but the last time he’d had any sort of gender conversation had been with Anabelle, and even the brief mentions of it in the movie theater and café had caused the fog to descend.
Obviously, his gender identity and gender expression weren’t tied to Anabelle. It was just that…
Milo shook his head, dispelling the fog that was starting to descend.
“It’s not some big, vulnerable secret or anything,” Milo said, doing his best to shrug while still holding Ray, who was holding him. “It’s just not something I’ve talked about in a while.”
Ray pulled back, and Milo let him. “Is there anything that Ethel and I can do to help you talk about it more often?”
Not for the first time, Milo considered bringing up the fog and the chasm, but it wasn’t really something he felt like talking about in the office kitchen. Thankfully, this was one of the lesser-used kitchens, but still. Someone could in theory walk in at any moment.
“It’s not like either of you is doing anything wrong,” Milo said.
“Neither of you has ever treated me one way or another gender-wise, and as far as Ethel’s concerned, I’ve always just been ‘Anabelle’s annoying kid.
’ Now I’m her annoying kid, who complains about what she’s eating and how she keeps pranking the other residents.
Gender was never part of the equation, and I like it that way. ”
Ray ran his hands back through his hair, attempting to straighten out the always messy locks. “That’s fair, but I guess I’m trying to say if you want it to play more of a role, we could try using different pronouns for you?”
Milo tried, he really did, to walk up to the edge of the cliff and peer over. Maybe if he squinted through the fog, some big revelation would come to him.
As usual, all he saw was a whole lot of nothing.
His pony whinnied at him, pulling him back from the edge. “Maybe. Ethel will either latch onto the idea or forget it along with her glasses and left sock.”
That was probably a big reason why Milo had given up trying out new pronouns.
Anabelle had found it fun and exploratory, and when he was with her, Milo did, too.
But without her, it just felt…well, a bit like the murky fog.
Disconnected and not what he wanted. The problem was, he wasn’t sure what he actually wanted.
“Does it make you happy to match your pronouns to how you’re feeling that day?” Ray asked.
Milo’s pony gave a soft whinny.
“Sort of,” he said, thinking of the way his pony had nearly exploded with joy when Rowan thought to ask for his pronouns. “I think maybe it’s more about just acknowledging that I don’t always feel masculine.”
He glanced down at his long, shimmering dress.
“And that I like to wear dresses and pretty things regardless of if I’m feeling feminine or not, and can also wear baggy pants and sweatshirts, and it not be inherently androgynous.
It’s nice to just stop for a moment and feel connected to myself, but it doesn’t have to be some big, loud thing. ”
Ray gazed down at the orange explosion Milo was wearing. “The one and only thing about you that doesn’t have to be big and loud.”
Obviously, the only reasonable way Milo could respond to that was by sticking out his tongue and making a raspberry noise. Ray shook his head and his hair flopped out of place once again.
Milo tried to reach up and fix it, but Ray caught his wrist and guided his hand towards his pocket, saying, “So, you’re going to text Rowan back, right?”
Clearly, Ray was in cahoots with Milo’s pony, who was now trotting around in excited circles.
“Yes, okay, fine,” Milo said, shaking off Ray’s grip so he could hold his phone with both hands. For some silly reason, his fingers were shaking, and he struggled to pull up the text box.
“Maybe the coffee shop is a good, neutral place to meet?” Ray said, his tone gentle.
“A little boring, though, don’t you think?”
Ray hummed softly. “At least boring’s safe?”
Boring was safe, but was that what Milo was looking for in a new…friend? Date? Potential partner?
His pony whinnied eagerly, flashing his big teeth in a grin, which didn’t really answer Milo’s question. It was clear his pony wanted Rowan to be their something, he just wasn’t sure what.
Well, there was one way to find out.
Milo: Nonpoisonous pastries at the coffee shop I go to twice a week sounds like it could either be great or dreadfully boring. I will wear my most exciting outfit to compensate. See you tomorrow at 6. I’ll be the shifter in red.