Chapter 6 #2
Wordlessly, he handed one half to Ethel, and since Ray was walking back across the yard towards them, carrying Milo’s own “backpack full of bullshit,” he did it a second time to split his piece in half for Ray.
He wasn’t even sure if Ray and Ethel liked apples, but Ray kept a drawer full of them in his fridge, and Ethel always seemed to be stealing them from the lunchroom.
“I think it is important, but for a long time, it was only something I felt safe exploring with Anabelle,” Milo finally said. “Not that I don’t feel safe with both of you, but…”
Milo tipped his head up to look at the uninterrupted blue of the sky as the fog whited out the edges of his mind. If only he could somehow shine a light as bright as the spring sun inside his head.
“But she was the first person to make you feel that safe, and losing her took away that safety,” Ethel said. “At least, for a while.”
Milo lowered his gaze and found Ethel staring down at the piece of apple in her hand.
One day, they really needed to talk about this.
They were the only two people left who loved Anabelle and could share that love with each other.
He just wasn’t quite ready yet. Just like he wasn’t ready to say anything definitive about his gender, but maybe he was ready to take the first step back onto the path.
“I guess, for some reason, my pony and I are feeling a little safer now,” Milo said, giving Ray his most thankful smile as he accepted his backpack and handed Ray the quarter apple. “I haven’t really had enough time or headspace to make any decisions when it comes to gender or pronouns, though.”
“That’s understandable,” Ray said, and Ethel crunched into her apple. “There’s no rush, and it’s also fine if you don’t ever make any decisions. You can let us know when you’re ready, or we can check in with you as often as you’d like.”
“I’ll likely forget to check in,” Ethel said. “Just assume you have blanket permission to share whatever you’d like to share. Like Leonard and his bowel movement updates.”
Milo scrunched up his nose. “I’m not sure if equating my gender to bowel movements is—”
Ethel spit out a seed, like she was in one of the old cowboy movies she liked to watch.
“Of course it’s not the same, but if I can listen to Leonard talk about his bowels so I can help identify if something changes or has gotten worse with his health, I can and want to listen to you.
All day, every day, whenever your little heart desires. ”
Though the logic was odd, the sentiment was so sweet, Milo had to wipe his eyes with the corner of the grass-stained blanket.
“I love you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ethel said, as she always did.
“Seriously,” Milo pressed. “You’re one of the two most important people in my life.”
Ethel spat out another seed, her smile turning saccharine and lethal. “Soon to be three most important people in your life.”
Milo attempted to collapse backward, but Ray snagged him around the shoulders and pulled Milo against his warm side. “When are you going to see him again? I saw you texting him on the way in here from the parking lot. Is it soon?”
“You’re both incorrigible," Milo said, resisting the urge to rip open his backpack and check his phone.
He had been texting with Rowan the past week and a half, and they’d settled on tomorrow night to go play mini golf.
Why mini golf, Milo couldn’t say, but the idea had popped into his head, and he’d stuck with it.
It seemed like a perfectly platonic, absolutely reasonable way to spend time with the tall, handsome, muscular, kind—
“Oh, you’re definitely seeing him again,” Ray said, grinning impishly. “You have that dreamy look on your face.”
“I do not,” Milo said, giving up and reaching for his backpack. He made a point to pull out his clothes first before glancing at his phone to see he had a one-line text from Rowan that read
Rowan: Looking forward to seeing you. I’ll be in yellow.
As Ethel and Ray continued to poke fun at him for whatever his face was supposedly doing at the callback to their second hangout, Milo consulted the color wheel in his head.
Anabelle had made them both memorize it to help with their thrift shopping.
While it seemed to work for Anabelle, who was always loud and outrageous, but in a whimsical way, it only ever seemed to make Milo’s outfits more out of control.
Regardless, he was almost positive the complementary color for yellow was purple, and he had just the outfit in mind.
He picked out outfits for hanging out with Ray and Ethel, too.
It didn’t mean anything that he spent over an hour ironing his purple blouse that night, and upwards of two hours applying purple and pink makeup.
It was all worth it to see the wide-eyed look of surprise on Rowan’s face when he stepped into the mini-golf lobby the following evening.
“Wow…you look so…bright,” Rowan said, and Milo grinned up at him.
Rowan was wearing a hoodie that was closer to tan than yellow, but he was wearing matching yellow and black sneakers which Milo thought was pretty cool.
“Thank you. I wanted to compliment your yellow.”
Rowan’s smile was a little lopsided as they stepped up to the counter to pay. Sometimes, it almost seemed as if Rowan was relearning how to smile, testing the waters with tiny grins and half-smiles.
Before Milo could pull out his zebra print wallet with the purple tassel he’d remembered right as he’d been rushing out the door, Rowan pulled out his own.
“It’s my treat,” Rowan said, handing over his credit card to the young guy who was staring open-mouthed at Milo.
“Are you sure? It was my idea, though.”
“Very sure,” Rowan said, turning his warm hazel eyes on the cashier. “You gonna ring us up or keep staring at my friend?”
The person whose nametag read “Magnus (he/him)” snapped his mouth shut. “Sorry, it’s just that his makeup is fucking fire.” Magnus’ cheeks turned a mottled pink as he ducked his head and handed Rowan his card back.
Milo’s pony pawed at the ground. He still didn’t have any bad feelings hearing “his” used to describe himself, but it did drag him right up to the edge of that cliff again, as if some part of him really did want to peer out across the vast chasm.
He still couldn’t see across it or into it, but for the span of his next exhale, that was okay.
Maybe he didn’t need to have all the answers.
Maybe it was okay to try again, even without Anabelle by his side.
“I think I’m trying out they/them, actually,” Milo said, running a finger over the purple tassel. “If that’s okay.”
Magnus nodded his head aggressively. “Totally, totally, I hear you. Your makeup is fire, fam!”
“Thank you,” Milo said and their pony threw their mane in pleasure.
“I can never get my lips to look like that,” Magnus groaned, ducking down to grab a purple and a yellow golf ball. He placed them on a tray and pushed them across the counter. “Mine always come out looking flat or pale.”
While Rowan took the tray, Milo fished out their phone and pulled up one of their favorite makeup tutorials. “I follow this woman who does the most amazing lips. She recommends a darker lip liner for the outside and concentrates the lighter color in the center.”
Magnus flipped over the receipt, which he was probably supposed to be handing to Rowan, and jotted down the name of the influencer.
“I’m going to look her up as soon as my shift ends.
Thank you so much.” He put the pen down and hurried over to a rack of golf clubs.
“I’d recommend this one for you, since you’re so tall, and this one matches your pants. ”
Milo took both golf clubs, one a bright neon yellow and the other much shorter one the exact purple of Milo’s hammer pants.
“You’re the absolute best, and I wish you all the luck with your makeup adventures!” Milo said, clutching the clubs to their chest as Magnus scurried back behind the counter for the next guests.
Rowan gave Milo a look they couldn’t decipher, his brows pulled together, and his lips pursed.
“What?” Milo asked, genuinely not knowing how Rowan had taken that interaction.
“Nothing. I’m just really enjoying getting to know you. I think I alluded to this over text, but my social network is mainly made up of my parents and siblings. You’re very different from them.”
Rowan’s eyes were soft as he inclined his head towards the hallway that led deeper into the building.
“In what way?” Milo asked, doing their best not to knock the golf clubs into any of the walls as they walked.
“Well, let’s say I was here with them tonight, and the front desk guy complimented one of them on their makeup.
Raina is the most artistic of us all, and she would probably have thanked him or launched into a very in-depth analysis of makeup trends over the past five years.
Riley doesn’t really have time nor interest in makeup—or small talk, to be honest. She would probably just nod and go retrieve her club on her own.
And Ruben… Well, he would never be caught dead in a mini-golf course on a Saturday night to begin with. ”
Milo laughed and followed closely behind Rowan as they walked through a large doorway into the start of the course. The theme was glow-in-the-dark, which was why Milo had gone with purple and pink sparkles on their face.
“What would he be doing on a Saturday night?” Milo asked, handing over the yellow golf club and taking the scuffed purple ball from Rowan.
“Well, tonight I think he’s at Kickback.”
“Oh! The club down the street from our coffee shop?” Milo asked, hopeful that the dark lighting would hide the way their cheeks flared when they said “our.”