Chapter 17
Author’s note:
I have both grieved and tried to be there for someone who was grieving, and honestly, they’re both hard.
As I face down an upcoming major loss in my life, I am eternally grateful to everyone who is supporting me through this.
Thank you for reading this story and for sitting with Milo through their grief.
Rowan
Growing up, Ruben’s favorite holiday was the Winter Solstice, when their alpha ma would take them to cut down a large fir tree and the house would fill with the smell of warm spices and baked goods.
Ruben was always the first one awake the morning of the winter feast, and he stayed energized all day, fueled by cookies and hot cocoa.
Rowan could take or leave the holiday, but it had always seemed just a bit more magical because of Ruben’s joy and excitement.
One year, when they were both in elementary school, Ruben had come down with the flu right before the Solstice.
He hadn’t woken up early, and when Rowan went to check on him, he’d barely stirred.
Even Raina wafting freshly baked cinnamon rolls under his nose hadn’t roused him.
Their alpha ma eventually came and retrieved him, carrying him on her hip throughout the day as she baked a ham and watched all the required holiday movies with the other kids.
Ruben had still been excited, but it had been a subdued, quiet joy that made Rowan miss the five am wake-up call and blaring holiday music.
As Rowan showed Milo around his beloved cabin, he was reminded of that day in the way Milo’s smiles never showed all their teeth, and their eyes didn’t sparkle the way they usually did.
It was overcast outside, which didn't help the matter, but the cabin was still beautiful. Milo said as much as they absently traced their fingers over the ornately carved banister and admired the four-poster bed in Rowan’s bedroom.
“You’re of course welcome to stay in here with me,” Rowan said, wheeling his suitcase into the corner of the room and dropping his backpack.
Milo was clutching the strap of their black backpack like it held a parachute and they were getting ready to jump. They never had gone on that skydiving date. Maybe someday soon they could go, and Rowan could shift and fly down after them.
If everything went according to plan, Milo would get to see a lot of their hawk this weekend, but thus far, they were the one acting like a skittish bird, and it put Rowan’s hawk on edge.
“Is that okay? I don’t want to get in the way if you’d prefer some time and space for yourself,” Milo said, glancing out the door and across the hall at the guest room.
Rowan made sure his steps were loud, and he stopped a good foot in front of Milo before asking, “Can I kiss you?”
Milo’s head jerked up so fast they dropped their backpack. “Yes,” they breathed, and Rowan stooped down and pressed a soft kiss to their lips.
Rowan’s first appointment with his therapist had gone surprisingly well. She remembered him from when he was a child and was easily able to jump into a discussion about how his relationship with touch had changed over the years and what had stayed the mostly the same.
“I think this weekend, whenever you feel any sort of urge or inclination to touch Milo, you should go for it,” she’d said, and Rowan had written it down in the notes app on his phone and underlined it.
“Don’t question it, don’t stop to worry about logistics or about what might happen if you change your mind halfway through.
From everything you’ve told me, it sounds like Milo will be more than willing to shift gears with you and follow your lead. ”
They’d only spoken briefly about Ruben, and she recommended they have another session before he went to see his family the following weekend.
As far as Rowan was concerned, that meant he didn’t need to give it any more thought, and besides, it seemed like he might have other things to worry about right now.
“Thank you,” Milo whispered, their soda-tinged breath ghosting across Rowan’s face.
On the drive up, Rowan had needed to stop for gas, and Milo had gone inside to get themself something to drink. They’d come back with a soda the size of their head that was an odd brown-orange-red color.
“It’s something Anabelle and I used to do,” Milo had said, shoving the straw into their mouth. It remained there for the next hour of the trip, even as the level of soda in the cup didn’t seem to change.
“You’re welcome, baby,” Rowan said now, going in for another kiss that Milo eagerly accepted.
They stood there for a few minutes, trading kisses and content sighs. When Rowan finally pulled back, Milo turned to gaze longingly at the bed. “I’d really like to stay in here. I just don’t want to bother you with my nightmares.”
The way they said it made the nightmares seem like a foregone conclusion, so he didn’t see the need to argue. “While I would never wish for you to have nightmares, I would love to be able to comfort you afterward.”
In whatever way he could.
Milo’s eyes were like liquid silver as they gazed up at Rowan. “That means more to me than I think I can express right now. Thank you. Again.”
Rowan steeled himself before reaching down to grab Milo’s backpack.
He carried it over to the large oak desk and placed it down on top.
He still didn’t love the way the backpack straps felt against his skin, but knowing it was Milo’s, his Milo’s, made it feel better than it had in the movie theater lobby.
It had been pink that day, reminding Rowan that he needed to ask Milo about their second black-and-white outfit of the week. It was pretty but understated in a way that had Rowan’s hawk hopping back and forth for most of the car ride.
Right now, his hawk was stalking in circles, bobbing his head but refusing to do any more of his dance until Rowan figured out what to do to help their downcast mate.
“I brought you something,” Rowan tried. “Or I guess, I brought us something.”
It had actually been Troy’s idea, a fact he had been sworn to secrecy on, but it seemed that in lieu of Raina’s advice, Troy was doing his best to fill in.
“Oh?”
Rowan went over to his suitcase and opened it, pulling out a large gift bag. He set it on the bed, and for the first time that day, Milo’s eyes lit up.
“I got us matching robes and pajamas,” Rowan said as Milo tore into the bag, pulling out the emerald green garments. In the moment, the color had reminded Rowan of Milo’s eyes, but now he remembered Milo mentioning how well green looked with Rowan’s hair.
Two birds, one stone, as they say.
“Oh my gods, Rowan. I love them!” Milo said, hugging the gifts to their chest.
“I thought we could wear them here, but you could also keep them at my place for whenever you want to lounge around after work or for a sleepover.”
That second part had been his idea. Troy had just thought it would be something fun for their trip, but Rowan had wanted it to be a bit more long-term. Because he now knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he wanted Milo to be long-term. They just had to tackle some of these early hurdles.
Milo grinned widely, teeth flashing in the evening sun as they spun in a circle. “I love them even more!” They did an impressive number of revolutions before coming to a stop in front of their backpack. “I, uh, also brought you a gift.”
Their eyes darting between the backpack and Rowan and their smile turned down a few watts.
“You don’t have to give it to me now if you don’t want to,” Rowan said as gently as he could. “I just thought you might want to change into something comfy.”
Milo’s arms tightened around the robe. “Are you going to change?”
“I was planning on it.” Either before or after he shifted.
He would usually shift almost as soon as he got to the cabin, flying around the mountain to take in what had changed since his last visit. There were always trees falling down and new ones breaking through the canopy.
Life kept going. No matter how stuck or lost Rowan felt, he would come up here and be reminded that things would always change, and hopefully, one day, his life would change for the better.
Not that he had been unhappy, per se, but standing here with Milo, even in their sadder mood, Rowan could admit he had never known true happiness until meeting them.
“Then…I think it’s probably the right time for my gift,” Milo said, placing the robe and pajamas on the desk. They opened their backpack and pulled out the case of dilators and the gift box.
“Is the dildo the gift?
Milo’s lip quirked up for a second before falling back into a straight line.
“No, I…” Milo’s fingers flexed around the box before they let out a huff and marched with a surprising amount of purpose over to the bed.
“Okay, so, here’s the thing. I was thinking about everything you’ve told me about touch, and how you seem able to touch my leg through pants, and how on Wednesday you held me down by touching me through my shirt.
It made me start to wonder if you’d be able to touch other parts of me with other parts of you if they were covered with clothing. So…”
Milo turned around and bent over the bed, flipping the skirt of their black poodle dress up over their back to reveal…
Quite possibly the sexiest thing Rowan had ever seen
They were wearing a pair of tight black boxer briefs, but part of the back was missing. It provided more coverage than a jock strap, still covering most of their lusciously round cheeks and upper thighs, but the hole was more than big enough for activities.
“Of course, you could also keep your boxers on and use the flap in front? I just didn’t want you to feel like it was all on you to figure out.
” Milo peered back over their shoulder, their cheeks bright red.
“I’m sorry if this is way overstepping or too forward, or if this is totally not what you wanted to do this weekend. I—”