Rowan #3
“There will be lots of time to discuss the details later,” Ruben said, tightening his arm around Ray. “But before we get into all that, maybe you should ask Rowan more about Milo. Like, for example, why are they here today?”
All eyes turned to them. Or more specifically, they turned to Milo. They immediately shrank back, but they’d been standing with one foot on top of the other, so the movement caused them to stumble.
Rowan’s hawk shrieked, and the skin of his forearms tingled as feathers threatened to sprout on his arms. He jerked back, pulling out of the circle so he didn’t risk running into Riley.
Milo managed to catch themself, several inches from where Rowan had been standing, and they turned big, shimmering silver eyes on him.
His hawk’s mournful cry was the final straw.
“I’m…going to grab more lemonade…for everyone,” Rowan choked out, making a break for the house.
Even with the tornado starting up in his head, Rowan could hear the soft footfalls behind him. He assumed it was Milo, and he had an apology ready on his tongue when he reached the kitchen, only to turn around and find Ruben standing there.
“Rub—”
“What are you doing?” Ruben asked, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring up at Rowan.
For most of their childhood, Ruben had been taller than Rowan.
He’d hit his growth spurt early, and Rowan didn’t get his until the middle of high school.
Maybe that was why he’d always felt like he was falling behind, chasing after Ruben’s tall back like when they used to run through the forest together as kids.
“What do you want me to do?” Rowan asked, his words coming out breathless like he’d just gone on one of those runs. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Make everything about me!” Rowan nearly shouted.
Their alpha grandmother’s cuckoo clock chimed in the other room, seven shrill cries that Rowan counted in his head.
“I know you’re upset that I texted the family group chat,” Ruben said slowly. “I didn’t know you had wanted to wait when I sent the text.”
While he knew that was true, it didn’t make the noise in Rowan’s head or the tightness in his throat any less. “Just like you didn’t know I wanted to come here this weekend,” Rowan said.
His hawk’s shrieks reached a new volume, almost as if he were in the room with them. Rowan could imagine his cries bouncing off the walls, reverberating up through the floorboards to their room, which still held some of their old furniture and Rowan’s chess set, abandoned in the closet.
“Just like you didn’t know scaling that house would land you in the ER on the most important day of my entire, unimpressive, unimportant childhood,” Rowan said, his voice rising to be heard over all the things he’d never said in this house.
“Just like you didn’t know you’d end up in PT all summer and that, by the time you left, Mom and Ma had basically had enough of parenting and abandoned me senior year.
I had no chess, no friends, no family, just me in this empty house.
I get that you didn’t know, Ruben, but it still hurts that not once did you ever seem to think about me.
You didn’t consult me or even stop to think about how it would affect me or what I would want. ”
Ruben’s brows pulled together, his usual doe eyes and pout blessedly absent. “I always wondered why you stopped playing.”
Rowan’s hands shook as he gripped the edge of the countertop.
“Yeah, well, our moms never wanted to play, and the only kids I had to play with all went their separate ways when the club disbanded. I tried to find a group in college, but everyone was always so busy, especially Riley—not that she ever liked playing chess with me. You were the only one who even humored it, and of course, that all stopped when you got into that orchestra.”
Well, he was really on a roll now. He took in a gasping breath and finally, finally let the words out.
“Gods, Ruben, I…I was so lonely. In high school, in college, and then after college. I would see you posting all your concerts in the group chat and then not responding to a single text I sent. I know families grow apart, and I know how important everyone’s jobs and passions are, but I just wish that at any point you or Ma or Mom or literally anyone could acknowledge how… ”
Any word Rowan could think of, like hard or shitty or sad, sounded childish.
The whole thing sounded childish. This was why he never spoke up.
He’d even said it himself. Brothers grew apart.
Moms let their kids go out and spread their wings.
All of his other siblings had turned out fine. Why couldn’t he just—
“I’m sorry,” Ruben said. His arms were still crossed over his chest, but his shoulders had caved in, like he was just barely holding himself together.
Rowan’s hawk finally quieted down, but remained fluffed up, his feathers on high alert.
“I want to say that I didn’t know or that you should have said something, but…
you sort of did, in your own way. I feel like I was the only one you ever really opened up to, and when you pulled away, I knew.
It just took me a while to be ready to acknowledge that.
” Ruben approached the opposite side of the island and propped an elbow up, leaning forward so he could rest his chin in his hand.
“I don’t want to try and make excuses, but maybe I could tell you what those years were like for me? ”
Rowan peeled his fingers away from the edge of the counter and spread his hands out flat. “Go ahead.”
Despite how close to the surface Rowan’s hawk still was, there wasn’t even a hint of yellow in Ruben’s eyes.
“So, I think we can both admit that Mom and Ma tried their best, but it wasn’t always enough,” Ruben said, waiting for Rowan to nod before continuing. “Growing up, it sucked ass being the middle child.”
Rowan couldn’t contain his snort, and Ruben flashed him a quick smirk.
“It did! Raina was in advanced art programs starting in elementary school, and Riley was so damn smart, she skipped two grades. I guess I banged a few too many pots together or showed just a little too much interest in music because suddenly I’m six years old and in music lessons three times a week, when all I really wanted to do was go out and play with you and my friends. ”
Rowan had vague memories of their ma taking Ruben to lessons after school, while their mom ferried Rowan from one psychologist to the next. He almost said as much, but Ruben beat him to it.
“Meanwhile, you’re basically left alone until they figure out you have a bit of a thing about touch, and then they spend years figuring shit out for you in school and at home, and somehow you missed out on all the pressure and expectations and—” Ruben took in a sharp breath through his nose before letting it back out through his pursed lips.
“I didn’t want to join a professional orchestra in high school.
I didn’t even really want to go to the conservatory.
I wanted to do what all my friends were doing, like going to football games and to the mall and, I don’t know, going on dates out in public instead of the clandestine meet ups I had to do between practices.
Throughout all of that, it seemed like you could be doing everything I wanted to be doing and more… but you weren’t.”
Rowan didn’t know what to say, and yet, just like when they were little kids, it was almost as if Ruben held the words for him.
“I guess, now that I say all that, you did have your chess club…and then I fucked that up for you.” Ruben dropped his head, turning his hand into a fist to press into his forehead.
“I’m really sorry I fucked up so badly, and I’m even more sorry for how long it took me to get my shit together.
I knew we’d grown apart, and Riley nudged me every now and again to reach out, but my schedule was such shit, and everything was such shit… ”
Ruben stared down at the scuffed countertop, and Rowan followed his gaze. The corner was chipped from where Ruben had hit it with his skateboard in middle school, and the edge still had a faint pink stain from one of Rowan’s failed attempts at making a pie for Fall Harvest.
“You know, that’s why I came back,” Ruben said, and Rowan snapped his head up. “I took a smaller role in a smaller orchestra because I was tired of being so far away from you and Raina…and even Riley, Mom, and Ma.”
“I didn’t know that,” Rowan said, and he leaned against the counter, folding his arms so they were both bent across it, like they were sharing secrets after bedtime and didn’t want their moms to hear.
“It’s been really good having you back. Even if most of what we’ve done up till now is talk about your hookups or go to clubs, I like hanging out with you. ”
Ruben tapped his ring finger against his cheek.
“I like hanging out with you, too, which is why I do all those things.” At Rowan’s disbelieving look, Ruben flashed his signature smirk.
“I mean, I also do like going to clubs, especially if it means I can drag you out of your house, and I like hooking up, but I only update you on them because you’d always laugh or sit with me on your couch—and let me drink all your drinks. ”
Rowan’s hawk kee-awwed, and Rowan glanced out at the backyard.
Riley and their moms were tending to the grill while Milo and Ray stood shoulder to shoulder, talking with a very excited-looking Raina.
No doubt she was regaling them about her most recent trip or project or idea for a project.
It was why Rowan found it so easy to talk to her.
She would do most of the talking, sort of like Milo did when they first started hanging out.
Nowadays, Rowan held his own in conversations, or at least, he liked to think he did.
He’d told Milo how anxious he was about the weekend and even opened up to them a bit about his history with Ruben.
Maybe he could open up to Ruben, too?