Chapter 84
I roll over in my bed. Seeing the sun, I groan and pull the covers over my head. Without Bo to hold me, I wrap my arms around myself instead. I’m trying not to think about him, but I haven’t succeeded. I’m not sure it’s possible. I wonder what he’s doing. If he’s on his morning run or if he’s working out with the others. I wonder if he misses me or if he’s relieved that I’m gone. My body aches for him. My heart yearns. My soul doesn’t fly anymore. It plummets beneath the weight of my despair.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Day or night, it doesn’t matter what I do. Wanting it all, I got nothing. Bo is completely lost to me.
Sorrow slips through the cracks inside me. One after another, tears drip down my cheeks. I don’t try to stop the flow. Sifting through the memories, I eventually fall into an exhausted sleep.
“Hey, Peace,” my dad calls from the doorway. “You up?”
“I am now.” I blink into the light that spills into my room from the hallway.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“Yeah, I guess.” I sit up in my bed and grab my glasses. My muscles scream in protest, sore from countless hours of me wrestling with my emotions.
“What time is it?” I ask, even though I don’t really care. Time has no meaning for me, except to mark the days, hours, and minutes of separation from Bo.
“Time for you to come downstairs and eat something.” He switches on my lamp, and I glance away. I don’t want to see his pity.
“I’m not hungry.”
“Know you’re not.” His tone softens. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Peace. Sorry, I didn’t realize the extent of the bullying you were dealing with in school or even the stuff that happened more recently.”
“How do you—” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“We had a long chat with Alex. Me and your mother. Knowing what you were going through breaks my heart, baby. I feel like I failed you as a father. I hope you know there’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you. I want you happy and well. I love you, your sister, and your mother more than anything.”
“You aren’t ashamed of me?” I glance at him, tears balanced in my eyes.
“I couldn’t be prouder of you.” His gaze wet with emotion like mine, he takes my hand. “I think one of the hardest things any of us can do in this world is to stay true to ourselves. You’ve done that despite me, your peers, and numerous other pressures.”
“I’m not sure if that’s such a good thing anymore,” I mumble.
“Because of the photos?” he asks, and my cheeks flame. One of the worst things about all of this is knowing my father saw them.
“Not really.” I drop my chin. “More because if I were someone different, I wouldn’t have lost him.”
“Lost Bo, you mean?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I confirm and confess, “I love him.”
He inhales sharply. “I didn’t realize.”
“I don’t know how not to love him. He’s who I’ve always wanted. He understands me better than anyone. He’s my best friend.”
“I know what it’s like to love and be certain of someone for a long time. I loved Lace when I was your age, but then I lost her, and I lost my best friend too.”
“It hurts, Daddy.”
“Why do you think you lost Bo?” he asks gently. “Do you think he leaked the photos?”
“No.” I sigh. “But when it all happened, I accused him.”
“If you think you were wrong, you can apologize. If he’s really your friend, he’ll forgive you.”
“It’s not that simple. He…I…” I trail off. I can’t tell my dad I accepted a sex without feelings arrangement. That Bo made it clear to me in front of his bandmates that sex was all it was. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. He doesn’t love me.”
“Are you sure about that?” His eyes hold and search mine.
“Yes, I?—”
“Did you tell him how you feel?” he interrupts, his fingers flexing over mine.
“No.” I shake my head. “But I tried to.” I think about the letters.
“Maybe you should try again.”
“I don’t think it will make any difference.” I shake my head. “We were friends. I wanted to be more. I pressured him. I shouldn’t have. I should have realized you can’t coerce someone into loving you.”
“You’re right.” He winces. “Unfortunately, I know that from experience. Sometimes when things don’t go the way you want, you just have to find the courage to move on.”
I nod. More tears gather.
“You know that if I could right every wrong done to you, I would.” He pats my hand. “But I’m starting to realize that would be a disservice. You, my beautiful, brave, and unique daughter, are more than capable of righting your own wrongs. I have complete faith in you.”
I sit up straighter. Warmth like the sun rising chases away the despair inside me. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“Love you.” He opens his arms.
“Love you too.” I lean into him. He hugs me. His hug isn’t as good as one of Bo’s hugs, but it’s meaningful and does wonders. This moment feels like a new beginning for us, and my arms come up to embrace him in return.
Bo
“The guys and I are going out,” Carson announces, entering the sleeping area on the bus. “The food at the after-party sucked. Wanna come with us?”
“No.” I glance up at him from my bunk. “Sending Peace a message.”
“She still not returning any of your calls?”
“No. Not a one.” I tamp down the feeling of panic. Morning and night, I’m floundering without her. “I need to know she’s okay.” I must find a way to tell her how I feel.
“Want me to ask Harmony?”
“You still talking to her?” I raise an inquiring brow.
“Yeah.” He looks sheepish. “Now and then. She’s in her last week of rehab, but Peace is her sister. They’re tight. I’m sure Harm will know the score.”
“But Harmony might not want to give you an update if she knows it’s me asking.” I run a finger over my stitches. War is out to ask. He’s definitely not a fan.
“I’ll be discreet.”
I give him a skeptical look.
“I can be subtle, man.” He takes offense. “Watch. I’ll show you.” He starts tapping on his cell.
“Yo, Harm,” he says with his device to his ear. “How are things?” Glancing at me, he waggles his brows. Like a greeting is proof of anything.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m proud of you. It’s fucking hell going off everything cold turkey.” Carson tilts his head as he listens to her, and I realize that our lead singer hasn’t been drinking much if at all, and he hasn’t been doing any drugs. Not that I can tell.
“Yeah, tour ends soon, which will be a big fucking relief.” He makes eye contact with me. “Love these assholes, but I’m tired of being trapped with them inside this fucking bus.”
I circle my finger, encouraging him to get to the point.
He rolls his eyes. “Listen, maybe we can catch up in person someday soon.” He nods at whatever she says. “Yeah, I know. I remember.” His jaw tightens. “But hey, I was wondering, how’s your sister?”
“Put her on speaker,” I demand in an urgent whisper. He lowers his cell and punches the button.
“Not good, I’ve been told.” Harmony’s voice blasts out the tiny phone speaker. She sounds enough like her sister that my heart pangs with longing. “My parents are worried about her. They know about the bullying. The shrinks they’ve been consulting think that all the negativity on social media triggered Peace’s panic attack. They took away her phone and computer. I haven’t been able to talk to her. Or at least not until today. She’s getting a new cell, computer, and everything. As if that will make all the shit go away.” She sighs. “But listen and pass this message along to your buddy. Let him know that if I find out he had anything to do with those photos, I’m going to kick him in the nuts.”
My eyes widen.
“He didn’t leak the photos, Harm,” Carson says firmly.
“Figured he didn’t.” She seems to take him at his word. “Bo’s a lot of things, but he’s consistently protective of Peace.” A bell rings from her side of the line. “Listen, it’s group session time. I gotta go.”
“Understand. But can you do me a favor?” he asks.
“Depends on what it is.”
Ouch.
“Can you text me Peace’s new cell number?”
I shake my head. Way subtle, Car.
“Why?”
“Because I’m asking for it,” I reply for myself.
“Fuck you, Bo,” she says with a lot of heat.
“I’m totally fucked without her.”
“If you figured that out, sounds like you finally got your head out of your ass.”
“I tried to see her at the hospital, but your uncle wouldn’t let me.” I fill her in because it doesn’t sound like she knows the full chain of events. “I’ve been calling her old phone nonstop for days, but now I realize those calls probably aren’t going through. I need to talk to her, Harmony. Please.” My voice cracks. “I’m begging you.”
“I’ll text you the number.”
“Thanks.” I exhale in relief.
“But if you hurt her again, I’ll chop off your dick with a fucking axe.” She ends the call.
“Whoa.” I give Carson a wide-eyed look. “She sure is something.”
“Yeah.” He nods, but the something scary that Harmony is doesn’t seem to be a red flag for him.