Chapter 18
18
By the time she arrived back at the cottage, she was out of breath and feeling lightheaded. Her face was damp with tears and a knot of anxiety scrunched her insides until it was almost painful. After she closed the front door behind her, she slid to the floor, rested her head in her hands and let the crying begin unabashedly. On hearing her, Betty ran into the hallway from the direction of the living room and jumped into her lap. She licked at her tears and Esme nuzzled her fur.
It had been so long since she had seen Rhys that she thought, stupidly, if she ever happened to see him again, which was so unlikely anyway, she’d be fine. After all, she knew she didn’t want him back. She could never trust him again. But having him turn up here, now , was such a shock. Her visceral reaction, however, made her question herself so much. Was she getting over him at all? Had she ever even started to? Did she still have feelings for him? Would she take him back?
She spoke to her dog as if she had questioned her. ‘No, I don’t have feelings for him, Betty, not positive ones anyway and I would absolutely bloody not take him back!’ She shook her head. ‘Get a grip, Esme Cassidy!’
The front door opened slightly, pushing her forward a little. Betty barked and jumped from her lap as Esme angrily got to her feet and shouted, ‘I can’t believe you followed me here! I told you I was busy!’ She yanked open the door fully and was greeted by a startled-looking Judd.
‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll go.’ He turned and made to leave.
‘No! Sorry, Judd, I wasn’t expecting it to be you. I was expecting…’ She shook her head, unsure how the heck to put things into words. ‘Never mind.’
He turned to face her. ‘Are you okay? Because I saw you running towards here as if you were being chased so I wanted to come and check on you. You looked really upset… or angry… or both.’
He was so thoughtful, and it made her smile. ‘I’m okay… well, maybe not okay but…’
He gestured into the cottage. ‘Shall I come in? Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?’
She thought about it for a moment and considering that she’d inadvertently involved him, she nodded. ‘I think it’s best.’ She had to explain before he heard something from someone else, namely Rhys.
He made tea for them and for the next twenty minutes she explained all about Rhys and what he had done to hurt her in the past, and how he had turned up on the film set right at the point when she genuinely thought she’d moved on.
He huffed. ‘Bloody hell, Esme. No wonder you’re angry and upset. I’d be the same in your shoes. But you just need to avoid him. I can have a word with him if you li?—’
‘No!’ Her heart leapt and she inhaled slowly in a bid to calm herself. ‘Sorry, no, that won’t be necessary. Although… there is something you could do to help.’
‘Aye, anything.’
‘I kind of told him I was living with you.’
Judd laughed. ‘Well, that’s not a lie.’
She slowly shook her head. ‘No, I mean I told him I was with you. That we were a couple. And now I feel awful because of course there’s Selina.’
He scrunched his brow. ‘Selina? I don’t… I mean what about Zach? Why would you tell him you were in a relationship with me when Zach likes you so much and you like him? Surely that would’ve had more of an impact. He’s a famous actor.’ His tone was sharp, and he tapped relentlessly on his mug.
She shook her head. ‘I’m so sorry, Judd. I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I acted without thinking, he said he was engaged and asked about my relationship status…’ She was aware of how ridiculous it all sounded. ‘I’ll tell him the truth as soon as possible. Will you excuse me while I go freshen up?’ Before he could answer or get angrier, she went straight up to her room.
Why was everything suddenly turning to crap when things had been going so well? She went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face then reapplied her makeup. Eventually, when she felt human again, she made her way downstairs, but Judd was nowhere to be seen. She found a note on the kitchen table from him that said:
Gone back to work. Sorry if I seemed off. It’s all just a bit weird. I hate lying because I’m pretty crap at it and always give myself away. But I’ll help you as long as he isn’t here long. Judd.
His note was short and to the point, and Esme felt terrible. She wished the churning in her stomach would stop. She knew she’d have to come clean to Rhys the next time she saw him.
* * *
That evening she met early with Parker to tell him about Rhys being part of the crew now, and how she had lied about her relationship with Judd.
His face crumpled. ‘He’s here? In bloody Scotland? You can’t tell me he didn’t know you worked at the castle. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Load of bull. Of course he knew you were here and he’s going to try and get you back, you mark my words, Esme. Why else would he turn up? The audacity of the man!’ He paused his tirade and scrunched his face. ‘Why Judd though? Zach would’ve had a much bigger impact.’
Esme growled out her frustration. ‘Judd said the same thing. Why is Zach more impressive than Judd?’
Parker gave her a look of incredulity. ‘You have to ask? Erm… hello! Famous actor, bloody gorgeous. Not only that but he’s a better choice to play the part of your love interest. He’s an actor, for goodness’ sake!’
In her humble opinion, Zach was no more gorgeous than Judd if considering their physicality, but attraction went so much deeper than that. But he did have a point on the acting part. ‘I wasn’t exactly planning any of this, Parker. I wasn’t thinking straight. But the fact is, I lied. It doesn’t really matter who I lied about, does it?’
‘But if you’d used Zach things might have come true. You might have manifested it. You know what they say, fake it till you make it . You could’ve got him to play along, and he might have finally admitted he does actually fancy the pants off you.’ When Esme didn’t reply, he put an arm around her shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry. What I should be asking is are you okay. So… are you?’
Esme thought back to some of the happier times she had shared with Rhys. But when she did there was an added feature that stood out now. Why had she never thought about the fact that he was always covering her up or speaking for her? He had commented on the amount of cleavage she’d been showing on one occasion and had remarked that that was for his eyes only. It felt archaic and sexist. The more she thought about it, the more she could recall other such situations.
Realising she hadn’t answered her friend, she lifted her chin. ‘I’m not fine as such. But I will be. I don’t want him back. I think I want to understand why he treated me like he did when he had no intention of staying around but I don’t want to go back to things the way they were. It’s a moot point anyway.’
‘How come?’
‘He’s engaged to be married.’
Parker’s eyes widened. ‘Oh, really? Huh. And you believe him? You don’t think he’s trying to make you jealous?’
At this point she had no clue. ‘I have no reason to think he’s lying.’
Parker tilted his head. ‘Oh, really? Because he’s never lied to you before to get what he wants?’ He had a very valid point. ‘You know, from what I’ve heard so far, I think Taylor Swift wrote The Tortured Poets Department album about you and bloody Rhys. It’s uncanny. He is for sure “The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived”.’
* * *
Zach attended the Romeo and Juliet rehearsal that night to give a boost of confidence to the cast. His advice was amazing and even Parker was feeling a little more positive afterwards. He gave pointers on body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, projecting and even gave a pep talk on taking risks which, even though he didn’t say in so many words, felt as though he was talking about their own play and the low number of rehearsals they’d have had before putting the show on to the public.
‘Being an actor is about taking risks. Even when it feels like you’ll fall flat on your face. There is always the chance that you won’t, and that it’ll turn out to be an incredible and rewarding experience. And just think, you’d have missed out if you hadn’t put yourself out there,’ he said to a rapt audience.
Afterwards Esme hung back to speak to him. ‘Thanks so much for coming tonight, Zach. I think you’ve made us believe we can actually pull this whole play malarky off,’ she said as everyone left, waving and thanking him as they passed.
He smiled. ‘Thank you for asking me.’
‘Have you seen Lucille?’ she asked tentatively. ‘I was wondering how she is.’
He nodded. ‘I have. She’s in pieces emotionally. In the cold light of day, she hates that she’s done this to everyone. She’s terrified that the shoot won’t go ahead because of her. And she’s panicking that no one will sign her again. She has booked a place in rehab and seems determined to work at it this time. But she has a lot of regrets just now.’ He glanced down at his shoes, and Esme wondered if losing him was one of her regrets. ‘But there are some things that are just so hard to come back from,’ he added almost as if talking to himself.
Thinking of her own situation, she absentmindedly replied, ‘You’re so right. I wonder if it’s ever possible to trust anyone again after they’ve hurt you so badly.’
He lifted his chin and fixed his gaze on her. ‘You’re so special, Esme. I honestly don’t know how anyone could hurt you.’ He took a step closer. ‘You helped me so much too, you know. I’ve yet to figure out how to thank you.’
She smiled and whispered, ‘You already have.’
‘Oh, good grief, you two, get a bloody room!’ Parker said as he joined them.
Zach stepped back. ‘Oh, no, it’s not like that, Parker, my friend. Is it, Esme?’ He widened his eyes briefly, as if she was supposed to understand via telepathy what he meant by the signal.
She played along. ‘No, it’s not,’ she replied with a smile but was unsure how to feel. He was giving very mixed signals, that one thing was certain.
‘Well, I’d better be going. Lucille is at a hotel now she’s been released from hospital, but she isn’t returning to London for a few days until she’s seen her consultant again, and been given the okay to travel. Then she’ll be at the rehab centre for a while so I said I’d call and see her tonight. She’s having a hard time of things with the pain and… well, everything.’
‘Pass on my best wishes,’ Esme said, hoping she sounded sincere. Zach nodded and left, closely followed by his security guard.
‘The way he looks at you is so…’ Parker sighed dreamily. ‘I just wish he’d bite the bullet and tell you how he feels.’
‘There’s nothing to tell, Parker, really. I get the feeling he’s still in love with Lucille.’
Parker scoffed. ‘With that bitch? No way.’
Esme nodded. ‘It doesn’t matter how much someone hurts you, sometimes it’s hard to let go.’
‘Well, I hope you’ve let go of that Rhys prick. I hope you’re not going to go running back to him as soon as he clicks his fingers. Because mark my words, he’ll click them.’
‘I told you he’s engaged, didn’t I?’
Parker shook his head. ‘My poor, sweet, na?ve Esme. I wouldn’t be too sure that he’s telling the truth on that matter. And if he is, have you never heard of men wanting their cake and to eat it too?’
‘I don’t think this is one of those occasions.’
‘Hmm. We’ll see. Anyway, come on, I’ll drop you off home.’
* * *
When Esme arrived home, Judd wasn’t downstairs which was strange. Disappointment tugged at her. She always enjoyed their post-rehearsal chats. She worried she had really put her foot in it by asking him to pretend they were a couple in front of Rhys.
She found Betty curled up on her bed in her bedroom; another strange thing. She had been so used to finding her two housemates snuggled up on the sofa together. You’ve really done it now, Cassidy , her subconscious told her.
She decided on an early night, seeing as she didn’t much fancy the thought of spending the rest of the evening in her own company and inside her own head, and went to the bathroom to remove her makeup and brush her teeth. She listened for a moment outside Judd’s door but was met with silence. So she went to bed emotionally exhausted and with a pit of loneliness in her stomach and cried herself to sleep.
* * *
The following morning, Judd was out of the cottage before her and she was beginning to worry that this was how things were going to be from now on. That they would be merely acquaintances who passed in the kitchen and didn’t really communicate unless it was notes on the table, we’re out of milk , or we need to put the bin out for collection . She inwardly cursed herself for putting him in an awkward position. From the research she had done about ADHD and autism, she knew he wouldn’t like it. He would feel stressed and anxious and it was her fault.
She took Betty on her morning walk and decided to let the little dog accompany her to work. She had bought a fluffy doughnut bed for the floor of her office and Betty usually just snuggled up in it and fell asleep.
Olivia was up in her studio making alterations to one of the dresses she had made for Ruby Locke to wear on screen and had left a list of things for Esme to complete. But all she could think about was Judd and how she could make things right.
At lunchtime she took Betty out for a quick walk and then began to make her way down to the little bench outside the chapel to at least try and eat some of the lunch she had packed on autopilot. She loved to sit and eat lunch with the view of the loch and the distant mountains before her. As she was walking, she spotted Judd. He was leaning on a shovel chatting to Selina. They were both smiling and seemed happy enough and guilt twinged at her insides for asking him to jeopardise that. Before she reached them, Selina waved goodbye and skipped off towards the art barn.
‘Oh, hey, Esme!’
She stopped in her tracks and sighed before turning to see Rhys walking towards her. ‘Oh, hi, Rhys. Sorry, I can’t really stop, I’m on my lunch break and I don’t have long,’ she lied. She had as long as she wanted. Olivia didn’t micromanage her at all.
‘That’s okay, I’ll walk with you. I’d really like to talk to you about something.’
‘Look, Rhys, can we just leave it? We don’t need to talk about anything. Things ended between us and we’ve both moved on. Let’s just leave it at that.’
‘I really feel like there are things left to say. I have things left to say. Things I should have said in my letter.’
‘Oh, I think your letter was pretty self-explanatory, Rhys. No further details needed.’
‘You’re wrong. I didn’t say what I really felt. What I really wanted to say.’ He glanced over her shoulder and then sighed. ‘I’m guessing this is your boyfriend.’ The way he made inverted commas in the air really got under Esme’s skin. Clearly he hadn’t bought any of it. She turned to see Judd walking towards them.
‘Esme!’ When he reached her, he slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him. ‘Hi, gorgeous,’ he said as he lowered his face to hers and kissed her. At first she was too shocked to respond but then she relaxed into it and slipped her arms up and around his shoulders. His lips were soft yet determined. His stubble grazed against her skin and shivers travelled her spine like little electric shocks. When he released her, he planted an extra kiss on her forehead. ‘I’ve missed you this morning. Did you bring extra sandwiches for me?’ He slipped his arm around her shoulder and then turned his face towards Rhys. ‘Oh, sorry, pal, I didnae really see you there. Only got eyes for my Esme.’ He wiped his hand down his jeans and held it out. ‘Judd Cowan. And you are?’
Rhys smirked and held out his hand. ‘Rhys, but I’m guessing you already know that, otherwise you wouldn’t have felt the need to put on that display.’
Judd scowled. ‘I’m not sure I get your meaning.’
Rhys’s jaw ticked beneath his skin. ‘Oh, I think you do. Nice to see you, Esme. Perhaps we can catch up another time. We definitely need to talk when we have privacy.’ And with that he turned and stomped away, each footstep heavy and filled with anger.
Esme was lost for words. About the whole thing.
Judd’s gaze flitted around, only settling on her for split seconds. ‘How did I do? Was I convincing enough? Do you think he believed us?’ he asked as his focus trained on Rhys’s retreating form. ‘He’s a piece of work, eh? Are you okay? You looked angry. Are you angry? You know I’m not great with facial expressions.’
‘I’m sorry, Judd, but you took me completely by surprise,’ Esme hissed, still reeling from the way her stomach had fluttered, and her heart had pounded at his passionate onslaught. Angry with herself for wishing it had gone on longer. ‘A bit of warning would’ve helped. I’ve spent the last two days thinking I’d overstepped the friendship boundary by asking you to play along. Let’s face it, you’ve been avoiding me, and then you go and kiss me like that without warning me. How am I supposed to feel?’
‘I was just doing what you asked,’ he replied, looking anywhere but at her once again.
‘I didn’t ask you to snog me like that in front of him. Or is my memory betraying me? Because I certainly don’t remember asking that.’
‘I told you I wasn’t great at this kind of thing. I apologise for not knowing the etiquette behind pretending to be something I’m not. Maybe next time you should ask a professional.’ He turned on his heel and stormed away too, leaving Esme standing there wondering what the hell was going on.