Chapter 32
SERENA
Putting on a happy face and pretending like I hadn’t ripped my own heart out was more challenging than I anticipated. No matter where I looked, either at home, work, or around town, memories of Storm and our time together haunted me.
And it didn’t help that Sadie was constantly asking when we could go back to the farm. “Mommy, it’s almost Christmas, and I didn’t get to watch all the movies I wanted to watch at the farm. Can we go there tonight so I can watch them with Honey and Rob?”
“I don’t think so, sweetie. But we can watch our Christmas movies. You love all of those.”
“Yeah, but I’ve seen those a thousand hundred times.” Sadie whined and her shoulders slumped as she let out a dramatic sigh. Like this was killing her, and I was the worst mom ever.
That last part may have been my projection. Because I felt like the worst mom ever. My priority had been to give Sadie the best Christmas ever, but instead, her bright light seemed muted and dim. Like mine.
Was heartache contagious? I hoped not. My entire goal had been to spare her pain.
I knew Sadie would be disappointed we were leaving the farm. She and Honey had been making lots of grand plans in their time together. But I’d be able to distract her with other holiday activities, but my plan was only minimally effective. We’d already played a game, made a special chocolate candy cane dessert, and delivered cards and cookies to our neighbors, and it was only noon.
“Mommy. Can we go play with Lulu and Storm? Or can they come over here? I miss them.”
Oof. Another punch to the gut. You and me both, kiddo.
“No, but how about we have some art time, until Nana gets here? You could make some Christmas cards or draw pictures of Santa and the reindeer. I’ll get your markers and construction paper.”
“Oh-kay,” she said in a slow and resigned manner. My chipper, bubbly girl had turned into Miss Doom-n-gloom. Arts and craft were one of her favorite things to do, but she wasn’t even excited about that.
I really thought ending things with Storm had been the right thing to do. Sadie and I were getting entirely too attached to him and his family. Sure, it would have been great having him with us for the holiday, but then what?
Exclusively non-dating? Seemed like a good idea at the time—neither of us wanted a relationship and enjoyed spending time together. The problem was, somehow, in the short amount of time between our magical non-date and meeting my former in-laws, things shifted for me. I caught something, and it wasn’t the flu this time. It wasn’t going away, either.
I was in love with Storm—a sworn bachelor who said he never wanted to get married or have a family—and I wanted more.
He admitted he liked me and didn’t want to break up. But it was clear to me that my feelings for him were much deeper than his, and that had snowflake-in-a-snowblower heartbreak written all over it.
For once in my life, I wanted to be someone’s priority. To be loved above all else. And yeah, I wished I could have been that for Storm. But I was just his client, and he was the holidate my mom paid a lot of money for. I didn’t want to get even more sucked into this fantasy, spending the holidays with him and his amazing family, and then have reality hit when we were left behind again.
It was better this way.
Mom burst through the door with her usual dramatic flair. “Ho, ho, ho. Have I got some treats for you!”
“Hi, Nana.” Sadie slowly walked over and gave my mom a hug before returning to her coloring.
“What’s going on in here? Did someone die? Or worse, did Santa cancel Christmas to hang out on a beach somewhere?”
I shook my head. “She’s upset that we came home instead of staying at Willowbrook Farm.”
“Oh, that makes sense. But why do you look like the elf who missed the sleigh?”
I looked over at Sadie, who was working intently on her picture. I leaned in and whispered to my mom, “Storm and I broke up.”
“You what? How did that happen? You didn’t even get your holidate yet. Did you?”
“No. I’ll pay you back what you spent on that. I promise.”
“I don’t care about the money.” She dragged me into my bedroom, away from little ears. “What happened between you two? You seemed so happy together. I honestly never thought the man capable of smiling until I saw him with you. And the way he looked at you… Hoo-wee!” She fanned herself and pretended to swoon like an old movie star. “Your dad never looked at me that way, that’s for sure. And you’re just as smitten—don’t tell me you’re not.” Her smile fell away and concern filled her eyes. “Serena, you’ve gotten real good at pretending to be happy. You might have even fooled yourself to think you actually were. But the last few weeks, when you were with Storm, you weren’t pretending anymore.” She stepped closer and cupped my face. “That’s what I want for you, my dear Serena. For you to be happy, for real. And to have someone love you like you deserve to be loved.”
She kissed my forehead, like she did when I was a little girl.
Tears well in my eyes once again. “Thanks, Mom. I want that, too.”
“I know I haven’t been the best mom to you, haven’t always been there when you needed me. But I love you more than anything. I hope you know that.”
“I know you do. I love you, too, Mom.”
“Now tell me what happened, because the sparks between the you two at the auction should have been deemed a fire hazard to all Christmas trees in town.”
How did I explain to her what I didn’t fully understand myself?
“Well, I realized I didn’t want to be just his holidate. I want more. I deserve more, like you said. And I don’t think he can give that to me, so I thought it would be better to end it now.”
“I’m not sure if that’s incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid. But I’m proud of you for standing up for what you want and not settling for less.”
“Thanks, I think. Let’s go see what my little Picasso is creating out there.”
When we got to the kitchen, Sadie ran over to show us her masterpiece, with more excitement than she’d shown all day. “Look, Mommy. I made this for you. You can hang it on the fridge.”
She handed me the paper. My throat constricted, and my vision blurred with tears I refused to let fall.
“It’s our family Christmas,” she exclaimed proudly.
The picture clearly depicted me, Sadie and Storm, all holding hands in front of the Christmas tree, Lulu standing beside us.
Mom leaned in to have a look. “Wow. That’s beautiful, Sadie. You should make me one like that to hang in my apartment.”
“But Mommy said you won’t be here for Christmas.”
“All the more reason for me to have a picture of what I’ll be missing out on. I can even take it with me on my trip.”
“Okay. I’ll make you one too.” Sadie hurried back to her art supplies and began another drawing.
Mom leaned in and whispered to me. “It would be a shame for this beautiful drawing to have been in vain.” She bumped her shoulder against mine. “What are you gonna do about it?”
I stared at the image of what Sadie considered the perfect family Christmas and wondered if I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
“I have no idea.”
Mom squeezed my shoulders. “Well, let’s enjoy our early Christmas together, before I have to go pack for my trip. The rest will sort itself out, I’m sure of it.”
I knew she was right. If only I could stuff all this emotional garbage in a box that said Do not open until AFTER Christmas. Or ever.