Chapter 13
MILLIE
It turns out that setting boundaries for something like this isn’t exactly my specialty.
After Shade left, I stayed right here on the couch, unable to stop my mind from racing.
It all seemed like a great idea at the time.
An obviously experienced man being up for the challenge of teaching a much less experienced woman about sex is a dream.
Especially when he’s someone whom I’ve started to think of as a friend.
He won’t let me make a fool out of myself, and I know that everything he teaches me will be useful in the future. I’ll be like a sex pro by the time I head back home. Chadwick will be a guy from the past, and I’ll be able to start fresh with more knowledge than I’ve ever had.
Still, my nerves won’t settle. Neither will the guilt of feeling like I forced Shade into this.
He told me to come up with my boundary/rule list, but also a general idea of what I was wanting him to teach me. A spicy lesson plan, if you will.
Reaching up, I touch my hair. I can still feel the ghost of his fingers curling around it and pulling. My pulse flutters, the reminder having nearly the same effect now as it did then. The low ache in my scalp shot straight down my middle to land between my legs.
While I’m terrified of what all of this could mean, I can’t pretend that I’m not also excited. I’ve always been curious about what sex should really be like. Not the awkward first-time sex, but the real, hot, and sweaty kind where you’re eager to jump somebody’s bones.
I know it’s partially my fault for my lack of knowledge, especially when it comes to pleasuring myself.
I’m not some poor girl who had restricted access to the internet or was locked away in a castle her entire life.
My castle was really a ski resort, and the lock was easily picked, so I could have just .
. . tried harder. The blame for my naivety with sex is on me.
There are two bottles of beer on the coffee table, but only one is still half-full.
Shade hardly took five sips of his all night, while I couldn’t seem to down mine quick enough.
It didn’t help in the slightest. Instead, it made me all the more jittery, contemplating telling him to scratch this entire idea.
Before I could, he was standing and leaving me with instructions to come up with my boundary list and saying we’d talk at the studio tomorrow. I can only assume he’ll be doing the same tonight.
The scent of his cologne lingers on the fabric of the couch, teasing me with yet another reminder of his presence.
I reach for his beer and bring it to my mouth before taking a big swig.
The foamy liquid goes down smooth and settles in my full stomach.
I’m bloated from the greasy pizza, but while I wasn’t going to tell Shade and let him get more arrogant, it was the best I’ve ever had.
Tapping a nail to the glass bottle, I twist my mouth and glance at my phone. It’s been on the coffee table since before dinner yet hasn’t lit up once. I’m unused to this kind of silence. Maybe that’s one of the things I’m most grateful for being here.
I exchange the beer for my phone and settle into the couch, fighting a shiver from the cold. With my knees pulled up and my heels under my butt, I unlock the screen and open the Notes app.
Boundaries/rules, I type. The title is there, but now what? I type the ideas that come to me first.
Don’t say anything stupid
Don’t act too excited
No sexual touching unless I’ve shaved and showered
No getting jealous
No feelings. I underline that one twice for good measure.
I doubt it would happen anyway, but it’s never bad to be extra careful.
Shade’s made his type obvious; at least, I think he has.
The woman who was at the studio the other night was very different than me, and they clearly have been together in the past. Not to mention his initial statement of not sleeping with inexperienced women.
Yeah, no feelings. Easy enough.
I move on from the boundaries and spell out another title.
Lesson Ideas.
My entire body blushes as I reread it. How exactly does one come up with ideas like that? Am I supposed to scroll through a porn site and pick the kinks I think look most interesting?
Tongue kissing.
I immediately delete that, my face scrunching in embarrassment.
“I’m so screwed here,” I whisper.
Suddenly, the Notes app closes as a call flashes. I blink at the name and cautiously answer, turning it to speakerphone.
“Hi?”
“I’m starting to think that I know you too well already,” Shade states.
“Why would you say that?”
“You sound anxious, Millie. This isn’t supposed to be nerve-racking. If it is, then we need to abandon the idea right now.”
I jerk forward. “Being anxious is a Millie experience, Shade. Sorry to disappoint.”
“So, it doesn’t have anything to do with what I asked you to do tonight?”
“I didn’t say that. I’m an anxious person. Don’t think you’re that special,” I bite out.
Yeah, I’ll admit to being a bit defensive. But I didn’t already toss all of my self-respect out the window to ask him to do this with me only to have him turn his back on it already.
He whistles. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just don’t want you working yourself up about this. It’s supposed to be fun.”
“You left me with the two most complicated lists to make.”
“They’re not supposed to be complicated.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” I argue, relaxing bit by bit.
“Just tell me what you’ve got so far.”
Swallowing, I go back to the Notes app. “I have the rules figured out.”
“Tell them to me,” he urges.
“The first one is ‘don’t say anything stupid.’” Suddenly, I regret writing that. With a wince, I add, “I just don’t know how I’ll be acting once we . . . you know.”
“Take that one off,” he demands, a slight bite in the words.
“What? Why?”
“You can’t say anything stupid when you’re learning about what you like sexually. Don’t censor yourself. I don’t want that.”
A few of the knots in my stomach unravel. “Okay, I’m deleting that one.”
“Good girl. What’s next?”
I sink my teeth into my lip and squeeze my eyes shut in response to the praise. If I ignore the pleasure I get from hearing him say it, maybe it will stop having an effect on me.
Jumping past the second rule on my list, I say, “No sexual touching unless I’ve shaved and showered.”
There’s a weighted pause that feels like it won’t ever end. I shift on the couch and lie on my back, my legs kicked out and moving nervously. Worry gnaws at me, growing more painful as the seconds pass.
His voice is tense when he says, “You never told me about your first time.”
“Because you didn’t ask,” I mumble.
“Was it bad?”
“It wasn’t the best.”
“Did he make you come, princess?”
My brain starts to spark and fizzle. I’m incapable of speaking as I short-circuit. My grip on my phone turns pained as I make it tighter and tighter until finally, I release it completely. I touch my cheeks and instantly feel the heat in them. They burn so badly it’s uncomfortable.
“That’s the mildest thing we’re going to be talking about if we do this, Millie. Don’t freeze up on me already,” he coos, his voice like a gentle caress on my oversensitive skin.
“No,” I croak, shaking my head despite being alone. “No, he didn’t.”
“I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say that he wasn’t a fan of pubic hair either.”
“No, he wasn’t.”
“Scratch the rule.”
“I can’t get rid of them all,” I argue, but it’s weak.
“Read me the next ones, and we’ll see.”
“No getting jealous, and no catching feelings.”
“Those are good. They stay,” he says, sounding almost relieved.
I let go of a breath I’ve trapped, mirroring his reaction. “They’ll stay.”
“What about your other list? Have you finished that one?”
“No.”
“Don’t overthink. Tell me what you like or what you’re interested in. We won’t do anything you don’t want to, and even if you think you could like something but change your mind, that’s that.”
“How are you so good at this?” I ask, staring at the ceiling.
“I’m just no longer bothered by things like this. I know what I like and what I don’t. It gets easier.”
“I’m having a hard time believing that.”
“You’re just thinking about it too much. Close your eyes,” he instructs.
I can hear him moving around on the line and grow curious. Is he at home? Is he in bed or on the couch like I am?
Letting the questions go, I follow his instructions. “They’re closed.”
“Stop thinking about what you think I’ll approve of and focus on what would interest you. When you had sex, what about it did you enjoy?”
Easier said than done. Especially when my only sexual encounter was painful, tense, and awkward. I focus on his question, thinking past the bad and to the few good moments.
“It was quick. I wasn’t anywhere close to an orgasm. He didn’t touch me much before the real thing, but when he did, I wanted more than just his fingers on me.”
“You mean his tongue?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“And did he put his mouth on you, Millie? Did you ask for that?”
“No.”
“Put it on your list,” he urges, voice raspy.
My heart nearly jumps free of my chest. “You’re sure? That’s intimate, Shade. You don’t have to do that just because I’m curious about it.”
He shushes me softly, pushing past my argument. “Would it make it easier to hear my list of rules?”
“Yes,” I blurt.
“No sex.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it,” he confirms.
“You’re not worried about anything else? Or uncomfortable?”
“I’m attracted to you, Millie. If we were different people in different stages of our lives, I wouldn’t have any rules at all. You’re not punishing me by giving me an opportunity to do these things with you. It’s the opposite.”
My entire body shivers, and I’m too focused on that to stop the soft noise of pleasure from escaping my lips. The groan that follows comes from my phone’s speakers, and I debate asking him to come back over so we can start now before shutting that idea down.
“I’m attracted to you too,” I squeak.
I’ve done a terrible job of hiding that, but at least he doesn’t tease me about it.
“Finish your list tonight, and I’ll make one too. We’ll go through them together and go from there.”
“And you’re sure nothing else is off limits?”
“Fucking positive,” he confirms.
“I’ll trust you, then.”
He chuckles. “Do you feel better now?”
“I do. Thank you for calling. I didn’t mean to be so obvious about how I was feeling earlier.”
“You weren’t.”
“So, you just guessed?”
“It’s like I told you. I’ve been paying attention.”
I turn onto my side and drop my phone beside my head. “Thank you, Shade.”
“No thank yous. It makes this feel fucking creepy,” he says.
“You’re not wrong.”
“It’s a friendly act.”
“Friends with benefits, is what I think it’s called.”
“Nah, that’s not accurate. We’re not hooking up. I’m just your friendly neighbourhood sex coach,” he teases.
I roll my lips together, trapping a laugh. “And you thought a thank you was creepy.”
“I’m hanging up now. I’ll see you tomorrow. With your list.”
“With my list,” I confirm.
“Good night, Millie.”
With a soft smile, I whisper, “Good night, Shade.”