Chapter 5
TILLY
“Go out with them, Tilly. It’s the least you can do for me since you came back and broke my heart all over again.”
I drop my head back and sigh, tapping a nail to the bathroom counter. “You’re being dramatic, Mom.”
“It’s not dramatic to be upset over my daughter hiding from me when she finally came back home!”
“It is when you make it your entire personality for three days.”
My hair is half-up in a messy bun as I finish curling the bottom strands. It’s going to get smushed by my hat the moment I put it on, but fuck it. If I’m going to get dragged out tonight to make an official reappearance in this province, then I’m going to at least look semi-hot while doing it.
“Well, I’m so sorry for being an empath.”
“That’s not what an empath is.”
Mom’s green eyes roll into the back of her skull. “Okay, Google.”
“You’re being ridiculous. I wasn’t trying to hide from you. It was just a lot for me that day without adding you into the mix,” I say, trying to soften my tone.
Meeting her gaze in the mirror, I lift the corner of my mouth into a smile. She exhales immediately, relaxing as her hand falls to my shoulder, squeezing.
“I just missed you, my sweet girl. You’ve been gone for too long. I’m a worrier.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Mom steps into the bathroom behind me and takes a chunk of hair into her hands. She gently pries my hands off the curling iron and uses it to fix the piece she found.
“There are so many questions I want to ask you.”
“I’m not going to tell you not to ask them.”
Her peachy lips twist. “But will you answer them?”
“A few, at least.”
“What happened? I assume it was Ethan’s fault,” she says bitterly.
I laugh, letting her continue to recurl the pieces of hair that I know are already perfect. “Everyone says that as if I’m the easiest person in the world to put up with.”
“He knew what he was signing up for. If he had an issue with your personality, he wouldn’t have married you. However, I fear it made him feel self-conscious knowing he scored above what he deserved when he found you.”
“Self-conscious? I don’t understand men. They know they don’t deserve you yet still treat you like shit and cheat, for what?” I bite out.
The heat from the iron retreats when Mom points it at the mirror, her attention fixed solely on my reflection now. And shit, her cheeks are turning red—
“That piece of shit did what?”
“Put the iron down, Mom,” I mutter. “He’s not here for you to burn.”
“When did this happen, Tilly?”
I huff a breath and pull my bun out so the rest of my hair falls over the curls. “A few months ago. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
“Months ago? And I’m only hearing about it now?” The pain that flashes across her features is hard to see. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I’d have been on a flight out there to see you.”
“I know you would have, and it’s the reason I didn’t. Hearing an ‘I told you so’ or that you knew it wouldn’t have worked isn’t what I needed at the time. I had to figure things out on my own.”
She shakes her head, busying herself with the messy strands of hair I just let loose. “You don’t need to be so independent all the time.”
“What’s the alternative? Staying heartbroken until someone else can fix me?”
“Well, no. I just mean that having support from those who love you can go a long way.”
“I knew you’d support me if I asked you to.”
“Alright, Tilly. Fine. Just . . . you’re home now. How long are you staying?”
“I don’t know.”
It’s not the answer she wants, but I can’t give her anything more. Promising to stay here for the rest of my life will only make it harder when I inevitably leave again.
“Well, at least stay for a few weeks. Let me get to know the woman you’ve become before you take off.”
“I haven’t changed that much, Mom. I’m just older. Maybe a bit meaner,” I say with a slightly self-deprecating noise clawing up my throat.
“My baby girl isn’t mean. Strong-willed and violent, maybe.”
“I’m pretty sure those two things together make someone mean, but I’ll take the compliment.”
Her wrinkled fingers smooth through my hair, reminding me of when she’d braid my hair every morning before a day spent at camp. Shimmer Lake Campground is my family’s legacy, but I’ve always feared that it would die with my parents.
Maybe Ash will surprise me and take over it for them, but I know I never will.
The happy memories I made there have long since been shadowed by the painful ones.
Being here and staying on the grounds in my parents’ house isn’t helping keep them buried.
I couldn’t imagine living here full-time, walking the trails every day.
“Have you heard of anywhere hiring?” I ask, desperate to change the subject away from me.
“I’m afraid not. Have you checked Cherry Peak?”
“Yeah. Unless I want to clean dishes in Rustic Ridge, I’ve struck out.”
“Maybe something will pop up. There’s no rush to find something,” she says soothingly.
My stomach pinches. “Right.”
“What time are the girls coming to get you?”
“An hour or so. Lacey’s got to lock up the shop first.”
Lacey’s grandmother owns the second-hand shop in town, Twice Treasured, and is one of the only women who I can handle being friends with.
The term “girl’s girl” hasn’t ever really applied to me, considering women look at me and decide I’m not worth getting to know.
I’ve got one hell of a resting bitch face and don’t bother trying to hide it anymore.
Lacey, however, is too outgoing to care.
She’d be able to make friends with a concrete wall.
I’m sure it helps that we’ve known each other since pre-K, though.
She knew me long before I turned into a bitch with a habit of self-sabotaging every potential friendship that approaches me.
Not like there have been that many. Before I left, we were as close to best friends as I’d ever let us become.
I make it a struggle for anyone to get close to me, but she did.
“It makes me happy that you’re going to meet Millie. You’ll love her,” Mom gushes.
I scrape my nail along the countertop, humming. “She’s Shade’s girlfriend, right?”
“Yep. And she’s new to town. Well, she’s been here for a few months now, but she’s not from the area.”
The adoration my mother so clearly feels for her bites a bit. I’ve been gone—a choice I willingly made—but I wasn’t expecting her to find another girl similar in age to me to grow close to.
“That’s nice, Mom.”
Mom sets the curling iron down on the vanity and presses a kiss to the back of my head. “Alright, you’re done and look beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I murmur, an immediate bite of guilt following my jealousy. “I’ll probably be back late.”
“Has that ever stopped me from waiting up for you?”
“I’m not sixteen sneaking out to get drunk anymore.”
Mom grins knowingly. “No, you’re just going to a rodeo.”
“Touché.”
“I’ll be up if you need anything.”
With a final stroke of her hand over my head, she leaves the bathroom. I unplug the curling iron and stare at my reflection for a minute. It’s only been a few days since I’ve gotten back, but I’d be lying if I hadn’t admitted to myself that I look happier. Even just slightly.
Being surrounded by my family has always had that effect on me.
I’ve slept more than I have in years, I think, and the lack of blue beneath my eyes proves it.
Ash was right about my figure, though. I’ve lost a lot of weight the last few months, with all the stress and anxiety making my depression flare up again.
My cheeks aren’t round anymore, and I know my tits have shrunk a size or two.
Sucking in a breath, I turn from the mirror, not wanting to see anything else.
I bounce my leg and glance down at the cowboy on the back of a bucking bull. He’s gripping onto his rope like it’s the last thing keeping him alive. Which could very well be true.
I take a sip of my beer and use my thumb to swipe away a bead of sweat from my forehead.
It’s sweltering today, and sitting out in the sun for hours has made me both sticky and thirsty.
I was right about my hair too. By the time we got to Lethbridge and found a seat at the rodeo, the curls had fallen, and I knew I couldn’t lift my hat even once without exposing the mess beneath it.
The two women flanking me don’t share the same predicament.
Lacey’s hair is too short, with perfectly styled bangs that don’t stick to the sheen on her forehead, and Millie’s a modern-day princess.
I bet her sweat smells like sunshine and rainbows and she wakes up with her blonde hair frizz-free.
She’s the only person here in high heels, and I had to force myself not to ask her why the fuck she was wearing them so she didn’t immediately write me off as an enemy.
She chews on her popcorn with her glossy lips perfectly closed, staring out at the show with the tiniest hint of intrigue. When she notices me watching, she swallows and flushes.
“Have you ever been to one of these before?” I ask her.
“No. Shade’s mentioned going before, though.”
I still my leg and nod, watching as the rider jumps off the bull, stumbling but not falling. “Shade’s not much of the rodeo type.”
She laughs lightly. “You’re right. How well do you know him?”
“He was more my brother’s friend than mine, but we ran in the same circle. I haven’t seen him in twelve years.” It feels like an understatement, but admitting anything more isn’t appealing to me right now.
“He’s the same, but now he’s totally down bad for Millie. You should come to one of the book club meetings. We hold them at their place,” Lacey says, voice bubbly.
I blink. “Book club meetings?”
“We started them with your mom,” she clarifies.
My throat tightens. “Right. She didn’t mention anything.”
“Are you in Oak Point for good?” Millie asks, her mouth in a permanent dainty smile.
“I haven’t decided yet. Maybe.”
Lacey pats my legs. “Come to the next meeting! They’re so fun. Even if you aren’t the biggest fan of reading, you’ll have a good time.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, knowing there’s a slim chance of that happening.
Millie moves the conversation along, her attention alternating between the final bull rider and the group of us. “What do you do for work, if it’s okay for me to ask?”
“You can ask whatever you want to. I just might not answer all the questions.” I take another sip of my beer before setting it down between my boots. “I’m a horse groomer.”
“Do you work on horseshoes? Like in those videos online I’m always seeing?”
My brow twitches as I tug on a loose string from the leg of my shorts. “A farrier? No. I tried that once and didn’t like it. Something about digging into a horse’s hoof unsettles me.”
“They can’t feel it, can they?” Lacey asks.
“No. But if you’ve seen an infection and the pus that comes out of one, you’ll never want to watch another one of those videos.”
Millie tenses, shifting on the metal bleacher. “Yeah, I’ll pass on that.”
“What do you do for work?” I ask her, turning the attention from me.
“Oh, I work with Shade at the studio. He’s apprenticing me.”
“Like, you do tattoos?”
Lacey giggles. “She’s really good too.”
“I haven’t done too many yet,” Millie rushes out awkwardly.
“If you’re good at something, own it. Who fucking cares how many times you’ve done it?”
My bluntness surprises her enough that she sucks in a breath, eyes wide. I shrug a shoulder and stare back down at the show. The bulls are gone, and the chutes are being turned over. They didn’t close the rodeo this time, but I don’t have it in me to care why they went before the broncs.
What I can’t stop thinking about is who’s going to take part in the saddle bronc competition.
I know of one man who would have been here in what feels like another life, intimidating the other riders even as an eighteen-year-old.
It felt like he was at every rodeo back then, and Ash was hauling me with him to watch his best friend win over and over again.
Sitting in stands like these, watching cowboys risk their lives for a quick shot of adrenaline, was the norm for me.
But things have changed.
It’s too bad my heart doesn’t quite understand that and can’t stop yearning for the man who’s never wanted us.
Lacey’s leg starts shaking now. It’s odd, considering her constant calm demeanour. My hackles rise immediately as I spin on her.
“What?”
“Okay, don’t be mad at me,” she starts, worrying her lip.
Her eyes dart to the dirt in front of us, and my stomach flips in the worst way.
“Rowe wasn’t the reason I insisted we go out tonight, but when I learned he was competing, I figured it’s been long enough that you’d be okay with watching.
You’ve been gone, and I assumed you weren’t still crushing on him.
Especially after you got married and all—”
“Lacey!” I bark, cutting her off. “Stop rambling. I can’t think when you do that.”
Millie straightens beside me. “We could go, if you want? Go to a bar or something instead.”
The offer is far too kind for how I currently feel. I want to lash out at her and tell her off for trying to involve herself in my business. But I don’t. I swallow harshly and grip my knees instead.
“Let’s stay. I don’t care who’s riding.”
I don’t mean a single fucking word.