Chapter 4 #2
Because I’m a good ensemble member, not for any other reason.
‘Hmm … I promise you’ll both be showcased, but maybe we won’t deal with you first. Seeing as neither of you want to share the big song…’
She lets us go and Oisín places his hand on my upper arm and strokes me softly. The bottom of his palm is cool against my skin and goosebumps instantly pop up. ‘That was sound of you, Tarun. You understand why us doing the same song could weaken my chances, aye?’
‘Of … of course! I know you need to do well.’
I’m tripping over my words, flustered to feel his touch again.
‘Well, I appreciate it. I’m really glad you have my back,’ he says, dropping his hand and turning to go sit with a gang of girls.
I’m glued to the spot, his cold hand staying at the front of my mind. Hopefully Elaine can find a section she’s happy with for me, so I don’t tread on Oisín’s toes. All I want is for him to be happy.
Olly
The morning of rehearsals is going great, especially with Zeb and I in the same medley group. We’ll be spending 72way more time together in rehearsals to make up for us not being roomies.
We’re all having fifteen-minute slots with Marty to find out what our medley solo will be, and to run through it with him a few times. It does mean that the main rehearsals are chaotic though; one moment I’m lifting my dance partner Jas above my head, the next she’s nowhere to be seen.
‘Come on in, Ol,’ says Marty when it’s my session with him in Studio Eight, a small but airy box room that has a big window looking out over Covent Garden below us.
‘You were one of the trickier solos to choose to be honest – there’s the obvious bits but also some really interesting material elsewhere,’ he says, while flicking through the vocal selections of The Phantom of the Opera, for which I have been nominated for my performance as the brooding masked stalker of sopranos.
‘Yeah, there’s some gorgeous material, even if I wish my am-dram would be brave and let us do some Sondheim, Tesori or LaChuissa sometime.’
‘Wouldn’t we all, Olly! But you deserve a showstopper, so we’re giving you the end of “The Music of the Night”.’
I exhale, buzzing I’ll be singing a song I can really let loose on. ‘Thank you! That’s the perfect song to show off my vocal chops.’
He smiles and tucks a loose strand of hair behind his 73ear. ‘I’m glad you approve. Shall we have a sing through then?’
Marty’s an amazing pianist and gives such quick but specific notes that it’s impossible not to be bowled over by his skill as a musical director. He’s a singing teacher at Ashford for very good reason.
When my one-to-one session is over, the corridors are full of contestants running around to grab sandwiches and packaged salads from Sabrina for lunchtime. I’m famished, so I join the queue.
‘…and then he came to me and told me he had a crush on me, and obviously I was flattered, but it’s just a bit awkward as I’m not into bigger boys like Olly,’ says Oisín standing in front of me in the queue to a rapt Ewan Crossley.
‘Funny,’ I say, causing them both to jolt. ‘I don’t remember it happening quite like that…’
‘Oh! Hi, Olly!’ says Oisín, completely unfazed at being caught in his lie. ‘Good session with Marty?’
‘It was great, ta. When’s yours?’
He shifts into his hip. ‘You didn’t hear? They were trying to make Tarun and me share a solo. He agrees I need my own song to stand out, so they’re going back to the drawing board. He’s happy to have less of a showcase, so we’ll have our solo time tomorrow when they’ve figured his bit out.’74
‘Oh,’ I say, honestly surprised. Tarun really is willing to let other people outshine him.
The two boys ahead of me reach the front of the queue and ask for salads, before moving out of the way so I can claim my own lunch from Sabrina. ‘Chicken and bacon, please!’
‘Sure thing, my lovely,’ she says, handing over a brown paper bag.
Oisín is standing alone now, and I stride over. The best time to confront the antagonist of a musical is when they’re without their sidekicks. (For example, Bill Sykes is only apprehended in Oliver! when his dog Bullseye leaves his side.)
‘I know what you’re doing – spreading around that completely false version of what happened last year and making digs about my weight.’
‘What are you talking about?’ he laughs. I don’t. I hate his constant games and gaslighting. ‘Maybe people wouldn’t believe my version of events so easily if you lost a bit of weight and looked a bit more fanciable? I bet you still haven’t had your first kiss, have you?’
‘So what if I haven’t? Better that than to have kissed you when you asked me to last year. Is that why you’re so obsessed with me? Because you didn’t get what you wanted? I’m sorry that I’m more focused on doing well in the competition than you…’75
He smiles cockily, one half of his mouth pointed.
‘I’m sure the best man will win in the end.
But face it, Olly: you’re not a natural leading man like I am.
You’ll always be bigger, and audiences will always be able to guess that you’re gay.
Maybe that’s why some of us have a better track record of getting into the final six than others? ’
And with that he turns, using his position in last year’s finals to sound superior to me.
I shake myself off, freeing myself of his criticisms of how I come across on stage.
After my session with Marty, I believe I’m positioning myself this year to wipe the sanctimonious smirk off his horrible face.
Tarun
Turns out dancing’s easier when you’re wearing the right attire. In Hugo’s shorts, the energy I was spending yesterday on panicking that my jeans would split and expose my arse every few seconds can instead be used to listen to everything Elaine is saying and hopefully pick the steps up faster.
‘How was your evening with your “too much” roommate then?’ Ella asks as we sit down in a quiet corner of the rehearsal room by ourselves with our sandwiches.76
I play with my thumb in my hand, guilt spreading through me for how I spoke about Olly yesterday lunchtime. ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘Why not?’
I might as well come clean with Ella. ‘He just made me doubt myself with how confident he is and how much knowledge he has about musicals… It made me worry whether I was good enough to be here.’
‘Tarun … of course you are!’
She’s not even seen me sing or act yet, but she believes it. ‘Olly said the same last night. I was wrong about him just being a show off… He’s pretty decent.’
She’s clearly excited by this development. ‘Go on? What did he do to change your mind?’
I look over at him chatting animatedly to Gabby and Jasmine. ‘Nothing crazy. He was just … really good with me when he walked in on me having a wobble.’
‘A wobble?’ she asks, her lips tight with concern.
‘A panic attack,’ I reluctantly reveal. ‘I … get them from time to time.’
She shuffles around so she can rest her head on my shoulder. ‘Oh, Tarun. I’m glad you had someone like Olly to help you. I know how hard they can be.’
‘You do?’
‘My dad and I care for my mum,’ she says, letting the full weight of her head slump on me. ‘She has agoraphobia 77and anxiety, so I get how scary it can be when you’re in the middle of a panic attack.’
I can’t look her in the eyes, but I put my hand on her knee. ‘Aye, it can be. But the right person being there to pull you out makes all the difference. I’m sure your mum appreciates it loads when you bring her back to earth.’
‘I know she does. If you’re struggling at all this week, it won’t flummox me if you reach out for help, okay?’
‘This should be a break for you,’ I say, clutching her knee tighter to thank her kindness. ‘I think I’m going to be alright.’
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I manoeuvre myself to get it out.
You still coming to stay with me this weekend?
I freeze at Dad’s message. I forgot that before getting off the reserve list, we’d said I’d go round to his for a mind-numbing weekend with him and his new ‘partner’.
I’m away sorry
I do what I can to slow my breathing and not alert Ella to how stressed I am. Any other weekend he wouldn’t know whether I’m at home in Derry, London, or Timbuktu, but now I’m left open for questions.78
Alright. What you up to?
‘None of your business’ I want to type. I swipe over to my (much more frequently used) text thread with Mum and type to her.
Dad’s asking why I’m not going to his this weekend :/
Leave it with me. No need for us to tell him if you don’t want to sohna <3
How’s it all going? Any more smooches with lover boy?
I roll my eyes at her faith in me. I so nearly quit the competition yesterday that I haven’t even plucked up the courage to ask Oisín yet about … us after my first attempt.
But even though I’m nervous still: about the competition, speaking to Oisín, and Dad finding out what I’m doing, I’m glad I didn’t quit. Ella’s head stays resting on my shoulder, and everything feels … pretty calm.
I could make my roommate proud and try to quote the first musical I was in, and say, ‘when a door closes, a window opens’.
I take it to mean there’s always hope and another route, even when your initial path closes to you.
79Sometimes though, the easier thing is to just … not shut the door in the first place.
Let’s see how that goes.