Chapter 14
fourteen
QUINN
I fall onto the loveseat in the living room, exhausted from the long day. “Thanks for staying to help clean up. You didn’t have to. I know it’s been a long day for all of us, but it’s very much appreciated.”
It’s almost ten o’clock, and we’ve just finished cleaning up from Max’s birthday party. Considering everything that went down today, the party went pretty well. We had to adjust some plans to account for the interruption, but it seems everyone had a good time.
Max went up to his room shortly after his last friend was picked up, but not before each of us had a chance to make sure he wasn’t going to brood in his room. Dad took Declan back to his room to show him something while Caleb and I are now sitting on the couch, and Emily refuses to sit still.
“It was no trouble,” Caleb says, pulling Emily down to his side when she moves to pass him on her mission to stay active. “You can sit now.” His words are meant only for Emily, but I hear them and try to hide my smile.
“Sorry, I’m restless.” Emily presses a quick kiss to Caleb’s cheek before turning to look at me. “What happened with your mom? We haven’t had a chance to talk,” she asks through a yawn.
“I’ll tell you on the way home. I know that look, and you are about to pass out.” Caleb stands and turns to gently help Emily up from the seat he just forced her into. “Let’s go, baby.” A look of pure reverence crosses her features as she accepts his help.
I ignore the pressure that suddenly sparks in my chest and stand from my seat. “You do look pretty exhausted.”
“I didn’t realize I was as tired as I am until I sat down.” Another yawn breaks free. “But I want to talk to you about everything too.” She reaches out for me.
I move toward her, pulling her into a tight hug. “Call me tomorrow and we can talk then. Maybe we can go for coffee or something.”
“Okay. Make sure you get some rest,” Emily says.
“You’d think the two of them never see each other or something,” Caleb says to Declan as he comes back into the room.
“Don’t complain that your wife and your sister get along. Think about how hard your life would be if they didn’t,” Declan jokes, giving both of them hugs goodbye.
“Yeah, yeah. Love you both.” Caleb gives me a quick kiss on the cheek. “We’ll see you soon,” he says as he guides Emily out the door.
I stand in the open doorway, watching them until their car disappears from view. “You okay? All things considered?” Declan asks quietly from my side.
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. I stand there for another minute staring at the empty street before turning toward him, leaning against the doorjamb. “Dad okay?”
“Yeah, I think the day took it out of him. He said he was gonna go to bed.” Declan turns and mirrors my position against the opposite side of the doorjamb, studying me for a bit. “Do you want to talk about it or take a little time for yourself? You’ve had quite the day too.”
“I don’t know.” I look at Declan and see nothing but understanding in his gaze. “I don’t think I want to be alone quite yet, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about all of it.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t say anything else, or move from his position. He seems perfectly content to stand in this open doorway with me until I’m ready to move. A shiver runs up my arms, and I don’t think it’s from the cold night air.
“Want some hot chocolate? Or something else to drink?” I ask.
“Whatever you’re having is fine.”
I push off the doorjamb, moving back into the house. “Come on. Let me lock up the house, and we can go to the cottage out back.”
Declan follows behind, helping to make sure all the lights are off, and the back door is locked. “You staying out there instead of in the house?”
“Yeah. I was going to stay in the house, but Dad was adamant I still have my own space, so staying out there felt like an easy compromise. I’m still close if Max or Dad need me, but I have my privacy.” I grab my keys from the hook by the front door as Declan waits for me on the front porch. “I hear I have you to thank for all the updates, making it livable again.” I lock the door, and we begin our walk around the house to the guest cottage.
He shrugs as if it’s not a big deal. “I don’t like sitting idle, and I ran out of projects in my own house. Scott wanted to update the cottage so you would have your own space whenever you could visit.”
“Did he tell you why he stopped maintaining it?” My voice is barely audible as I ask the question. His answer might force me to talk about everything regarding my mom, and I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about that.
I’m afraid of being like her. I look like her; I sound like her, and at the first chance I got, I left this town and never looked back. I may keep in close contact with my family, and I’ve made trips back here and there over the years, but I’ve always made those trips as quickly as possible. The idea of staying in this town when I was eighteen was my worst nightmare.
“I know your mom lived there before she left, after they separated, but your dad doesn’t talk about that time often.” Declan’s voice is as soft as mine.
“That sounds about right,” I say as we approach the cottage door.
The cottage isn’t necessarily small, but it’s not large either. Just big enough for me. A small porch spans the front with the door in the middle. To one side are a couple of rocking chairs, and on the other is a porch swing big enough for two.
Just inside the door to the right is a small living room, and to the left is a small kitchen. Straight back from the door is a short hallway with three doors: one to the right leads to the bedroom, one straight ahead leads to the full bath, and one to the left leads to a small laundry room.
I’m quiet as I unlock the door, letting the two of us into the cottage. I haven’t added my personal touch to the space, but I know Emily was in charge of furnishing and decorating it, and she made it feel like coming home with all she did.
I take my shoes off and make my way to the small kitchen, getting two mugs from the cabinet. “I’m going to make the hot chocolate first.” I pause and look at Declan, standing just inside the door. “Unless you want something else?”
“It got a little cold out there tonight. Hot chocolate will be good to warm up with.” Declan comes over to the small island and takes a seat on one of the chairs there. I'm sure he watches me move around the kitchen, catching onto my nerves. “Quinn, you don’t have to talk about any of it. We don’t have to talk at all. We can just sit in each other’s company. There’s no pressure here.”
“I know.” I turn away from him and busy myself with making the hot chocolate. I decide to make it over the stove because I think it tastes better, and because it means I can delay looking at Declan a little bit longer.
True to his word, Declan doesn’t say anything. He sits at the counter quietly as I work in the kitchen. It should be awkward, him watching me, but it isn’t. There’s a strange comfort in knowing someone is there for me if I need them.
“I know you said Dad doesn’t talk about her much, but has Caleb told you anything about her?” I ask as I set the mug of hot chocolate in front of him, stepping back and leaning against the sink across from him, my mug in my hands.
“I know the basics. When Caleb was about thirteen, things shifted with her. She started hanging out with a different group of people than before—sketchy people. She got into drugs, drank too much. I know she left when Max was two and that none of you have heard from her since.”
“That’s a good summary.” I take a sip of hot chocolate and study my mug, struggling with how much I’m ready to share.
“Quinn.” Declan waits for me to look at him before he continues. “It’s whatever you want to tell me.”
“I know.” I swallow.
I’ve never told anyone about my mother before. It’s terrifying to think I’m like her, and even more terrifying someone else might agree. If I don’t talk about it, I don’t have to know what others think.
“She was a stay-at-home mom—a great one until I was nine. I mean, she would take Caleb and me to school. She’d pick us up. We’d come home and have a snack before she would help both of us with our homework. Afterward, we’d always do something fun, just the three of us. Play a game she made up, go to the park, anything you could think of, we did.” I smile, thinking of those good memories. “Then we’d have dinner, and on nights when Dad was home from the firehouse, we’d watch a movie before bed.”
“Sounds kind of perfect,” Declan says when I pause in my story, not showing any signs of continuing.
“It was, but something happened when I was nine, and everything changed. Like you said, she fell in with the wrong people. They introduced her to anything and everything.” I look back down at my mug, the smile disappearing. “I think back, and I don’t have a single memory of her talking about wanting to leave Ashford Falls. She always seemed so happy here.”
“Sometimes, the most unhappy people appear the happiest,” Declan says softly.
“Yeah.” I look at him, a little afraid of what I might see, but Declan is just waiting, letting me go at my own pace.
“She would disappear for little stretches here or there, but she always came back after a couple of days, and she would be totally normal like nothing happened. She was always so happy to see us and jumped right back into our daily routine,” I tell him.
“She always went MIA when Dad was home from the firehouse.” I close my eyes, picturing that time in my mind. “I remember Dad and her arguing about it. He couldn’t understand what had changed. They’d had a good marriage, a good life—or so Dad had thought.” I open my eyes but study my mug.
“They fought a lot back then, understandably so. Dad didn’t want to hold her back. He didn’t want her to resent him. Dad loved her so much.” I swallow the lump in my throat, working to keep my tears at bay.
Dad’s love for Mom, while an envious thing, also terrified me. Dad may not have wanted Mom to resent him, and he may have wanted her to live all her dreams, but Mom did not reciprocate those feelings in the slightest. Watching Dad fall apart because of how Mom treated him would always stick with me.
“Things slowly deteriorated. At first, when she started coming and going, she always came home sober. It was like it had been when Caleb and I were little. But then, as we got older, drinking didn’t seem to be enough. She started coming home high too.”
Dad would get so upset with her, but he tried his hardest to keep Caleb and me away from it. He would often send us to our rooms as soon as we got home from school or encourage us to go out with friends so we wouldn’t have to be home at all.
“Shortly after I turned fifteen, Dad hit his breaking point. He told her he couldn’t do it anymore and he wanted a divorce. That’s when she told him she was pregnant with Max. I don’t think it was a question of whether or not Max was Dad’s, but I also don’t think he thought Mom was actually cheating on him.”
“Whenever your dad talks about her, he always talks about the good times. Mostly about when they were younger and started dating,” Declan tells me.
“He doesn’t like to focus on the negative.”
“I’ve learned that about him.” Declan offers a small smile.
I take a minute to appreciate the break Declan gave me. I refocus, and continue the story. “Dad told her she still needed to go. He didn’t want her around Caleb and me anymore. He thought it was too dangerous.”
I remember that night like it was yesterday. Dad had asked Caleb and me to go out, but neither of us had wanted to, so he’d told us to stay upstairs and to keep each other company. We’d camped out in Caleb’s room and tried to watch some movies to drown out the yelling and tears from Mom.
“I don’t know everything, but I know she told Dad she was afraid of what Max’s real father would do if he found out about the baby. She begged and pleaded with him to let her stay.” I take a deep breath and hold it for a second before blowing it out and continuing. “They came to some agreement. Mom would go to rehab for however long she needed, then when she came home she could stay in the cottage until Max was born.” I finally bring my eyes back to Declan, still seeing nothing but understanding on his face.
“Dad wasn’t lying earlier when he said he was there the day Max was born and every day since. Dad had Mom move back into the house after she gave birth to Max. He didn’t trust her to take care of him properly,” I say. “It wasn’t until Max was about six months old that Mom moved back to the cottage. She was supposed to take Max with her but thought it was better for him to be in the house with us, so that’s where he stayed.”
I feel the telltale stinging in my nose, but I push through to finish. “Things were pretty good there for a little while after that. I don’t know what happened, but one morning, I was in the cottage with her, talking about the art exhibit featuring one of my photos, and that evening, she was gone, along with all her stuff. She left a note, but all it said was ‘ I can’t do it anymore. ’”
“And you haven’t seen or talked to her again until today?”
“No.” I look at Declan for a moment before deciding to share something with him I’ve never told a soul, not even Caleb. “I tried looking for her a few years ago.”
“But you didn’t find her?”
“I did.” I release a breath I didn’t realize I was even holding. “I hired a PI to find her, and he did. He gave me an envelope with all the information on where she was and how I could contact her.”
“Did you use it?”
“No.”
We’re quiet for a few moments, neither of us saying anything. “I don’t know what you want me to do here,” Declan says softly. “I feel like there’s something else you want to say, and maybe you need me to ask you the right question to feel you can say it, but I don’t know what that question is.”
I look at him and realize he’s not wrong. There’s so much more to this story, and I do want to share it with someone, but I’m afraid of what it will mean if I say it out loud. This part of the story, the part I’ve never told anyone, is the biggest example of how similar my mother and I are.
Without saying anything, I turn to the sink behind me and start washing my mug. I hear Declan stand and walk up to my side, setting his mug in the sink. He doesn’t step back, though. He stays standing at my side, saying nothing, offering me the quiet comfort of having someone beside me.
“Do you remember when Emily and Caleb came and stayed with me in New York for a couple of weeks? About three years ago?” I don’t know that he would know about this, but since he’s been in Ashford Falls for five years now, there’s a good chance he knows about this trip.
“Yeah, they said you’d had an accident and needed some help while you got back on your feet.”
I nod my head. I’ve finished the dishes and am standing here, facing the sink, staring blankly at the emptiness of it.
“Quinn,” Declan whispers my name.
“It wasn’t an accident,” I whisper in return. I take a deep breath and turn to Declan. We’re close but not touching. I stare straight ahead at his Adam’s apple. “I was raped.”