Chapter Five
Istare at the ceiling, watching the fan blades spin. I used to love going to bed. It meant that Aiden would be here with me. He would climb into my bed, and I’d fall asleep to the sound of his breathing, enveloped in the comforting embrace of his scent.
But that was years ago.
The pain is still sharp when I think about the time that things changed between us… when everything fell apart. I shut my eyes and wish it away. Aiden taught me a trick a long time ago, to count to ten and try to breathe as slowly as possible. It always led to sleep—but ever since he left, it hasn’t worked.
I keep my eyes shut as I try to will myself to sleep. My breath slows and grows deeper as blackness sweeps into my mind, quieting the noise from the day. Will has left us alone about the robbery, although I think we might just be lucky this time.
And that’s the last thing I think before I think I hear the sash of my window sliding up something or someone entering my room. But I don’t wake up fully or even try to guess what made the noise. I wonder if there might be a mouse in my room. I don’t register the weight on the mattress. It’s just my mind playing tricks on me. It’s been doing it ever since he left—and it still happens some nights, even now.
Aiden go away.
I don’t want to dream of him tonight, but I still find my breath catching as I imagine his hands wrapping around my body, tugging me to him. I want him so much it hurts.
Maybe I’ll let myself think of him. Just tonight.
Swallowing hard, my eyes still shut, I imagine his hands sliding down my stomach.
“Aiden,” I whisper into the dark bedroom.
“Sara,” he whispers back. I choke back my cry. It feels so fucking real tonight. It must be a lucid dream, but I don’t want to wake up. I let it play out.
“Touch me, Aiden,” I beg the figure in my mind, although I think the words might have slipped from my lips. Reality and my dreamworld are mixing, but that’s okay. No one can hear me at the end of the hallway.
“Fuck, Sara,” he groans in a near-whisper in my ear. A sensation runs along my stomach, and I’m certain it’s my own hand. But I don’t want to think that. I imagine his hand, dropping below my stomach.
“Like that,” I moan as it reaches my clit. “Just like that.” I rock against the touch, moisture pooling between my legs. I don’t know why I’m so fucking turned on by a dream, but it’s happened before, and I’m desperate for release.
“Put them inside of me,” I breathe out and arch my back as the pressure of his penetration presses into me. “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I’m already so close, and I imagine those troubled dark eyes burning under the moonlight. Yet, I know that if I open my eyes, they won’t be there.
I know that.
So I keep my eyes pressed tightly together. I don’t want to lose this feeling.
“I waited on you,” I cry out as the touch increases my arousal. I’m so close to coming, to crying, to losing my sanity.
“That’s it,” I hear him growl. “I’m here now, Sara. You can come. You can come for me.” His voice feels so fucking real. I feel a tear slip down my cheek, and I don’t even know how to feel about it, but I let it happen. I don’t stop this fantasy. I need it.
The walls of my pussy bear down around his fingers, and I ride the wave of pleasure that beckons me to dive off the cliff into an orgasm. But I don’t want to come yet. I know that the moment I come, the fantasy will be over. I’ll open my eyes, and it’ll be nothing but darkness.
“Slow down,” I beg in a ragged voice. “Please. I’m not ready to let you go.”
More tears stream down my face. Aiden doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t say anything at all. My heart starts to break all over again. I can’t even imagine what he’d say if he were here in this moment. He’d probably tell me that it’s been almost a decade, and I should let him go.
“But I can’t.” I burst into tears, and my hand flies up to my face to wipe them away. It’s time to let the fantasy die, but before I can, the fingers start to move again.
Why am I doing this to myself?
But even with my tears, my orgasm tears through me like a tsunami. I can’t breathe as it crashes through me, my light moan growing. I ride it out, rocking my hips at the amount of pleasure, something I wasn’t expecting.
I’ve never gone like this.
My fantasies of Aiden have never felt so fucking real. I gulp for air as I finally come down, and then I force myself to wake up from the lucid stupor I was in.
“I can do this,” I tell myself, my heart breaking as I pull my hand from my pants. “He’s not here. He’s not here.” I’ve told myself that so many times when something like this happens. I force my eyes open…
The room is pitch black. Just like always. I turn my head…
Nothing.
Nothing but blackness around me. No one is here tonight. I don’t know why they ever would be. It’s been years since he’s been here, and if he wanted to come back, he would’ve by now.
I sit up in my bed and take a deep breath, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I don’t know why I miss someone who chose to leave me. I checked the hospitals. I checked the jails. I checked everywhere for him. He was gone.
He wanted to disappear from my life.
Maybe he’s got a family somewhere. A wife, kids, and a good job. He deserved it, and I couldn’t blame him for running from me. I would’ve, too. I plop back into my bed and close my eyes. This time, I fall right asleep.
And there are no more dreams.
***
The morning light streams into my room, and I shake off my drowsiness. I flip back the covers and swing my legs over the edge. A heavy breeze wafts through, and I turn my head.
Oh shit. Why is the window open?
My stepdad will be pissed if he sees me with my window open—and so would Aiden, if he was around. He would tell me that’s just asking for something bad to happen. I don’t know why I’m thinking about him so much right now. It’s frustrating, and I rush to the window and slam it shut.
I don’t remember opening it, but I probably did. It can get stuffy in my room. The air conditioner never works the best back here—and no one cares. I flip the locks on the window and turn back. I need to get ready for work.
I strip down and feel a gush of something between my legs. What the fuck? I drop my underwear and blink as something heavy and white fills my underwear. I frown. Yesterday, when I found my underwear in a similar state, I brushed it off as stupid PMS symptoms. It must be that again. Besides, I do remember my vivid lucid dream last night.
That’s probably the evidence of it.
Maybe I should go back to therapy. I purse my lips at that thought and put on a pair of fresh underwear, light-washed jeans, and a restaurant T-shirt. I should be going to school and doing something better with my life, but I’ll do that once the girls are out of here. I’ve got savings. It’s just a matter of time.
A knock on the door startles me as I am attempting to tame my hair, pulling it back into a ponytail.
“Come in,” I say, preparing to see one of the girls. I take them to school every morning and pick them up—all while working in between and after.
“Is someone coming to see you?”
I’m surprised to see Will standing in the doorway, and I can feel my body immediately contracting at the sight of him, though I”ve grown accustomed to it by now.
“Um… What?”
“Do I really have to repeat myself?” he snarls. “Is someone coming to see you at night?”
My eyes flick to the window. “No, they’re not.”
“Why’s your window open all the time then?”
I shake my head, out of confusion. “It just gets stuffy back here. It’s not a big deal. I don’t mean anything by it. I’ll make sure it stays shut.”
He nods, his face taking on a strange expression. “You ever talk to that kid anymore?”
“What kid?” I choose to play stupid. I know who he’s talking about, but Aiden isn’t a kid anymore. He’s a grown ass man. If he’s still alive. Well, I know he’s still alive. I haven’t found an obituary, either.
“The kid that lived in this house for way too long,” he scoffs at me. “You think I didn’t know you two were up to no good together?”
“He was my bro—”
“Oh don’t.” He takes a full step into my room. “Nothing that happened between the two of you was like siblings. I know what I saw, and that’s a big reason—and your fault— he had to go.”
I keep my mouth shut. I’m tempted to let him really have it. But that might get me kicked out, and while that would be a relief in some ways, it wouldn’t keep the girls safe. I have to make this work for a while longer.
“I’m going to trust you,” Will says, though his voice is harsh and hardly comforting. “But I’ve talked with Bill and a few others, and I’ve heard them say they’ve seen that piece of shit around town.”
My heart drops, and I know the intense pang of shock and hurt shows on my face—but at least he knows now that I’m not lying. “Oh.”
His brows furrow. “It’s best he stays away. This house is much happier without him, Sahara. Even your mom doesn’t drink nearly as much.”
I can’t argue with him because it might be true. I don’t know. I don’t try to figure it out, either. I don’t want to.
“Keep your window shut.”
“Yes, sir.”
With that, he turns around and leaves my room. I plop down on my bed, feeling lost at the mention of Aiden being seen around town. Is he really here? Is it true? I mean, I always wondered if he was slinking around the city and avoiding me, but I had secretly hoped that he had gone far, far away. I can’t imagine running into him in the city and not falling apart right then and there. It would be soul crushing—and probably mean nothing to him.
He doesn”t want you.
My head falls to my hands, and I try to breathe, stifling the sobs in my chest. The pain of seven years ago feels so fresh. He was supposed to save me from this life, and I sometimes wonder if he had, would Will and my mom have ever gotten the girls?
Sure, I keep them safe, but Aiden could’ve helped me get them out. He was stronger than me. He wasn’t afraid to fight for what he cared about—at least that’s what I thought. Maybe he was more of a coward than I knew.
Maybe he ran because he feared what would happen if he stayed. But no matter how I justify it to myself, he still lied to me and broke the promise he made. He never came back.
He never saved me.