Chapter 24
Ichopped up the potatoes, making sure they were all even. He seemed uncomfortable and I couldn’t quite figure out why. All I really knew was that every cell in my body was singing now that I was with him again. I wasn’t sure what to make of that, so I decided instead to enjoy it.
“We can cook on the grill,” he said eventually, “but if we’re letting the puppies run outside, I’ll need you to keep an eye on them while I cook.”
“Ooh. I approve of freeing puppies from jail.” I smiled, hoping it would put him at ease, looking up from cutting the final potato.
It was nice cooking with him. The last time we had been together, I hadn’t had to lift a finger, but there was something satisfying about making a meal together.
He spiced the potatoes, wrapped them in foil, and set them outside on the barbecue. While the grill warmed up, we outfitted the pups in tiny harnesses and took them into the backyard, where they were allowed to roam free.
I gave him a bit of space and focused on the puppies, following the smallest and shyest of the litter around to encourage him to explore. The other puppies galloped along, tackling one another and rolling in the grass. The whole time Sidney’s gaze followed me. Maybe it had been too long. Maybe it was purely wishful thinking on my part and he hadn’t really wanted to get together today. I had spent four years keeping that man on a pedestal. It was silly to think he might’ve done the same for me.
Even with the discomfort, there was something in his eyes I couldn’t shake. He had looked at me like he had seen a ghost and his scent had spiked.
“Dinner’s ready,” he called. I sat next to him at the patio table, the both of us keeping an eye on the exploring puppies.
“You’re good with them,” he said.
“Is it possible to be bad with puppies?” I asked. “They do most of the work.”
Sidney laughed softly. “I guess that’s true. It’s still cute in any case.”
“Well, that’s a relief because it’s my goal in life to be cute.” I stuck my tongue out at him and heat flooded his gaze. I raised one questioning eyebrow. “You okay?”
“Great!” His voice cracked and he cringed. “What were your other heats like? If that’s not too weird to ask.”
I wished I could see into his brain. He looked like he was fighting some sort of battle, but I couldn’t quite discern what it was about except that I seemed to be in the center of it.
“Nah, not too weird.” I speared a bite of steak and didn’t answer right away, trying to collect my thoughts. “They were good. I mean, it’s hard to compare. To be honest, it’s probably for the best that I didn’t get to share another heat with you.”
He perked up. “Oh? Why is that?”
How honest did I want to be? Might as well pour it out. He probably had the right to know that I was a bit obsessed. “Truthfully, I was a bit of a mess for a long time afterward.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No! God, not at all.” I laughed. “If anything, you did too many things right. I had no idea how to go back to my regular life. I couldn’t recapture any of what I had felt. I’d wake up from dreams and I’d be sweaty and desperate, completely unable to satisfy myself.”
Whiffs of sweet citrus and clove teased my nose, betraying his reaction to my words.
“How—how did you deal with that?”
“Not well.” I pushed my plate away and sat back. “I eventually caved and bought a couple sex toys to help, but I was so paranoid over my mom finding them or hearing me use them that it made it hard to enjoy.”
“Oh, yeah, I remember you mentioning that she could be invasive.”
“Very. At least I’m moved out now, so I don’t have that issue anymore.” I winked at him and heat flashed in his eyes again. “A lot of stuff with heats was…it’s embarrassing.”
“How so? I’ve heard pretty much everything before, so I bet it’s not that embarrassing.”
I pouted. “I guess I’ll let you be the judge then.”
“A wise choice.” Sidney grinned.
“I skipped going on suppressants right away because I didn’t want to delay my next heat. Except then you weren’t available, and it was too late to start them. I was ridiculously disappointed.”
“I wouldn’t say that’s embarrassing, per se. If anything, it’s flattering. Who did you end up with?”
“Nick, for that one. He was honestly good, but we both knew he wasn’t my first choice. The one after that when I’d wanted to go with you again, I ended up with Carla. She was great, but not what I wanted, even though she did make me come so hard I passed out.” I giggled, my nervousness demanding it. “It was intense.”
Every heat helper I had been with after Sidney had done their job just fine, but not a single one touched my craving for him. They were all a Band-Aid over something that was broken. I didn’t know how to make him understand without coming across as a total weirdo.
“Carla’s actually a good friend of mine. I’m glad she took care of you.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Mhmm. She’s not a heat helper anymore, though. She had to quit early after an accident that fucked up her mobility, but she’s doing pretty well now. Opened a tattoo shop with her two boyfriends.”
“That sucks about the accident. I’m glad she’s doing well. She was super sweet with me even if it wasn’t the same as with you,” I added. “All the heat helpers I saw got me through the heat fine, but…”
I was paying too much attention to the subtle hints of his body. The way he shifted toward me so slightly, the barely perceptible flush to his cheeks, and the subtle spikes in his scent.
“What made me different?”
That was a question I had asked myself a million times and still didn’t have a concrete answer for.
“Hard to say. Part of it was that you were my first, but also you took care of me differently.” I fussed with the hem of my shirt. “It’s like they could cater to me as an omega but not to me as Allie. If that makes sense.”
“So, you felt like a job to the others?”
“Sort of? It’s hard to explain because I am a job to them. It was weird with other partners too. No one was encouraging me to explore and find what I really wanted out of the experience. I kept feeling like I was constantly brushing the edge out there.” I sighed and turned my chair to face him directly. “I always tried to explain to my partners, but words only do so much with someone who doesn’t have the instinct to go along with it, and I didn’t fully understand it myself.”
The only problem was that I needed to make him understand now even though I had never properly figured it out.
“I wanted,” I continued, “someone who could pull me under, who wanted me to see the depth, but who could also bring me back to the surface. I never knew how to get that back.”
“What about non-heat partners?”
If nothing else, I had at least captured his curiosity.
“Audacious.” I laughed. “I like it. Well, I was mildly obsessed with you for a while after, but I did try with other people. Nothing stuck, though.”
I wanted to capture more than his curiosity, though, and it seemed like the only way that was going to happen was if I pulled on my big girl panties and grabbed for what I wanted. I couldn’t leave here tonight without having done everything possible to bring this man back into my life.
“Sidney.”
“Hmmm?”
“I have a question.”
“Oh?”
I reached out and traced my thumb over his skin before setting my hand over his. “How long do I have to be here before you kiss me?”