Chapter 39
Sidney was endlessly patient as he gave me a crash course on puppy care. Mama dogs were even more impressive now that I knew how much work it was keeping babies alive. I was happy to do the work, though. I spent all afternoon staring at them through the glass of the incubator, beside myself with emotion each time feeding time came round and I got to give them their bottles. I was pretty sure this would be excellent training to prepare for having my own babies. A human baby would feel just as delicate, but definitely way bigger and less prone to being smooshed.
Motherhood wasn’t something I wanted for myself for quite a while but I could imagine Sidney being just as sweet with his own babies, rocking them to sleep and bottle-feeding them so I could rest. It was such an adorable vision in my head that I sniffled and pressed my lips together to keep from crying.
“What’s wrong?” Sidney asked, gathering me close.
I blubbered out my reasoning and buried my face against his chest. In any other circumstance I never would’ve even contemplated babies with my partner this soon, but it was impossible not to think of the future with him.
“Are these happy or sad tears?”
“I don’t know!” I wailed. My chest was tight and my throat was thick, the potential of our entire future and all of the emotions from the last few weeks trying to escape at once.
“What can I do?” he asked, stroking a soothing hand over my hair.
“I would tell you if I knew.” I huffed his scent, sweet citrus and clove filling my nose and soothing down the wildest eddies of my feelings. We had so much time. I didn’t need to think about this now, didn’t need to worry about anything except getting to know him. The problem was that I kept feeling like I did know everything I needed to know.
Stupid bond.
It soothed me as much as it frustrated me because I knew it was impossible to escape even if I wanted to, knew that flaws we each had would be glossed over, that issues we might need to work through would be muted until the bond finally calmed. That usually only took a few months, but who knew if that would be the case with this one? Nothing about our bond was normal, so who was to say whether or not it would follow the same pattern as regular ones?
“Do you think the bond might put me into a surprise heat again?” I asked, my fingers latched into his shirt.
“I have no idea. I think the whole point of the ideal mates thing is to trigger the heat to force the bond. I don’t know why it would force an additional heat afterward.”
“But we don’t know anything about it. What if this weird trick of biology isn’t satisfied with just a bond. What if it wants babies too? I read novels where that happens!”
“Were those paranormal?”
“They were alien romance, but my point still stands.”
Sidney laughed. “Well, as informative as I’m sure those novels were on certain things, I don’t think you have the same biology, so I wouldn’t worry too much. If you’re concerned, though, we can talk to the clinic and get you on some long-term suppressants. Or I can just get regular doses of birth control so that even if you do have a spontaneous heat again, there’s no chance of babies.”
“You’re being so logical.”
“I’m just trying to make you feel better. If you’re afraid of a surprise heat and having babies before you’re ready, it’s not hard for us to take steps to prevent that.”
I snuggled tighter against him, following his breath with my own, listening to his heartbeat so that mine might feel compelled to match it and calm the hell down. He was right, and I knew that, but it didn’t quite quiet the panicked whisper in the back of my brain.
“Is something else bothering you?
“Between the bond and you being cute as hell with the puppies, it’s making me want babies even though I don’t actually want babies.”
He was quiet for a long moment, resting his cheek on my head and just holding me. “Do you want me to ask the rescue for a slightly older baby so you have something more robust to cuddle?”
“Do you think that would help?”
“Who knows,” he said. “I don’t think it will hurt, though.”
He emailed the rescue while he kept holding me, his scent soft and sweet in my nose, making me relaxed and complacent.
As luck would have it, the rescue had a four-week-old black-and-white pit bull ready to start socialization. They brought over baby Prince and I was instantly in love. Prince licked all over my face and wiggled so much in my arms I could barely hold him.
“How do you ever give them away?”
“You’ve seen me when I do. I cry.” Sidney laughed. “I comfort myself with the knowledge that they’re all getting homes and then I have plenty of room to help more babies.”
Prince licked up my nostril and I snorted, pushing his sweet face away. “You’re gonna have to peer pressure me hella hard when it’s time for Prince to go to his forever home.”
“I can do that.”
“Who’s a good boy? Who’s my sweetest, bestest, most precious angel son?” I kissed all over Prince’s forehead. “It’s you! You’re my sweetest, bestest, most precious angel son.”
I leaned into Sidney’s embrace and flip-flopped Prince’s ears with my hands, wiggling his face while he tried to bite my fingers. I had emailed my boss as soon as we knew Prince was coming over and I already had permission to bring him to the office as long as I got all of my work done. I had assured him I would, though I wasn’t entirely confident.
“Do you think you’ll ever get a permanent puppy?” I asked.
“One day. I thought it would be cute to get my own puppy when I had kids so I could watch them all grow up together.”
The mental image was too cute not to love, and I immediately burst into tears again. I supposed it made sense since we would have to get up at all hours for a baby; we might as well combo it with a puppy since we were already going to be sleep-deprived.
“I figure at a certain point I’ll get tired of every-two-hour feedings,” Sidney added.
“I feel like you designed your whole life around not getting enough sleep. Between all the heat helping and the puppy fostering, it’s a wonder you ever stayed conscious.”
Sidney laughed, stroking a hand down Prince’s back. “You’re not wrong. If I were a beta, I never would’ve made it. Might as well use that alpha resiliency for something.”
“That’s fair.”
I snapped pictures of Prince and sent them to Meg and Luna.
Allie:
Look at our new foster baby!
Meg:
I’m going to assume this is an invitation to come over and love on him
Luna:
OMG baby!
Allie:
You’re both absolutely welcome to come over and love on my temporary son
We have a bunch that look like jelly beans right now but they’re too tiny for visitors quite yet
Luna:
Is your little buddy coming to work?
Allie:
You really think I could leave this face at home alone?
Of course he’s coming to work
Meg:
Can we bring him treats?
I referred the question to Sidney.
Allie:
Sidney said you can get some freeze-dried chicken if you want
Meg:
Hell yes
Let me poke my schedule and I’ll figure out a time to come over and meet the babies
“I’m going to be so popular at work tomorrow. Do you want to get lunch together?”
“I can absolutely pop over. Do you think if I bring Luna lunch too, she’ll like me sooner?”
I let out a laugh. “She’s very easy to bribe with treats.”
“Good to know. I’ll bring something for both of you then.”
“You keep making this so easy on me.”
Sidney twirled the ends of my hair around his finger. “Why would I make it difficult for you? I’m not going to make conflict where there’s none.”
“Maybe I’ve seen too many friends date terrible people. It seems like there’s always conflict.”
“Maybe ideal mates is about more than biology,” he said softly. “Or maybe there’s a biological component to compatible personality. Either way, I’m a pretty relaxed person for the most part.”
I rotated in his arms and snuggled tightly against him, holding Prince between us. “That’s good. At least one of us needs to be relaxed. Feels like you’re going to be a good influence on me in that regard, though. So much harder to be a high-strung gremlin when I get railed on the regular and get to huff that sweet, sweet alpha scent all night.”
Sidney laughed so hard that the jostling had Prince yipping with displeasure and trying to bite him through his shirt.
“I think Prince could do with some exercise. Why don’t you take him into the backyard and I’ll get started on dinner?”
“Twist my rubber arm.” I put Prince in a tiny harness and took him outside, where we played chase until we were both exhausted and I sprawled in the grass, petting his belly. “Princey, I’m pretty sure I hit the jackpot on life. What do you think?”
He kicked his tiny legs and rolled over to lick my fingers.
“I’m glad you agree.”
I wasn’t used to zero conflict. Even living with Mom had been an exercise in patience with plenty of difficulties. Heaven knew Luna had conflict in her life out the wazoo, and I was grateful to not be in that same situation, but it didn’t make my current one any less weird. I watched Sidney remove the grilled asparagus from the barbecue. How was he so perfect?
I supposed it made sense that he was the way he was, considering he had been a heat helper for so long. That seemed like a job that required a pretty even temperament and natural caring instincts.
I wanted to be a good mate for him. It felt strange to consider that I might already be that. Maybe I should poke at some therapy over the fact that my first assumption was that I wasn’t good enough for him. I sighed and gathered up Prince to get some dinner. That was a problem for tomorrow.