25. Dismissive Avoidant, Anxious Attacher – Mar
CHAPTER 25
DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT, ANXIOUS ATTACHER
MAR
Verdi agreed to come to the fight with me tonight on the grounds that her girlfriend Sheila could also join. I’m excited to meet her. They are picking me up soon. My car started to act funny earlier, so I’m scared to drive it too far and then not have a way back home.
I’m unsure how the night will end for Sihn. He will either be really happy and want to celebrate with friends or he might be sad and want alone time. Either way, I plan to spend a little time after the fight with Verdi and Sheila. It will be hard for us to hear each other over tonight’s crowd, and I want to be able to ask intrusive questions.
A honk comes from outside as I slide some ChapStick across my lips using the mirror on the foyer wall.
I let myself in the back of Verdi’s hatchback. While sitting in the middle, I take in their wrestling event looks.
Sheila is wearing aviator glasses and her brunette hair whisps around her face. Her attire makes her appear like she’s just walked off the set of Dazed and Confused, or she really grew up in the seventies. She has flare-bottom jeans and a floral blouse. She’s pretty. Her cheeks are painted in bright pink blush.
Verdi is wearing a black crop top, brown corduroy pants, and strappy sandals.
I’m wearing a T-shirt that says Sihn is my favorite Sihnner , my favorite pair of jeans and simple black shoes. My mind begins to drift to former lovers of Sihn’s. As far as I know, I haven’t run into any or not any who have made themselves known… Before I can let my mind go crazy places, Verdi interrupts my thoughts by saying, “This is Sheila. Sheila, this is my best friend since kindergarten, Mar.”
Sheila nods in my direction. “Nice to finally meet the famous Mar.”
“I am not famous.” I punch Verdi in the shoulder. “What have you told her about me?”
Keeping her right hand on the wheel, she rubs her shoulder with her left while whining, “Ow, that hurt!”
“What did she say, Sheila?”
“Nothing, she thinks of you as a sister and sometimes a mother sort of.”
“Now, I never said she reminded me of my mom… Well, I don’t really know my mom.”
Sheila rubs Verdi’s shoulder where I hit her, consoling her by saying, “I meant you think of her like family.”
Verdi grabs Sheila’s hand and kisses it before replying, “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry I got defensive.”
Shocked, I say, “Wow, I’ve never seen you apologize so quickly, Verdi.”
“Turns out I have Dismissive Avoidant Attachment issues. Sheila has been helping me after I pushed her away too many times. She’s really fought for our relationship.”
Curious, I ask, “What’s Dismissive Avoidant Attachment?”
“You tell her,” Verdi says as she keeps her eyes on the road.
Sheila turns to face me and begins, “People with Dismissive Avoidant Attachment usually don't pursue romantic relationships and may actively avoid them. They super fixate on work or hobbies to keep from connecting with others. It’s usually related to having become independent too early in childhood. They do not do well with their partner requesting more of their free time, asking for commitment, or giving them an ultimatum.”
“You sort of hit the nail on the head with that one,” I reply honestly. Aside from me, Verdi hasn’t had any long-term partners or let anyone else get close to her friend-wise either.
Sheila continues, “I’m an Anxious Attacher, and I can be very overbearing, but if it wasn’t for my persistence and consistency, Verdi wouldn’t be with me now.”
It makes me wonder what kind of attachment issues I have. I’m sure I have some sort of one. I know Sihn would love to call me his girlfriend, but I’m unsure why I won’t let him. I’m wearing a shirt with his name on it tonight, that’s gotta mean something. He’s shared me with his friend; surely he can’t think we’re gonna last the long haul.
“For a while, this is how our relationship was: When one of the two of us thought whatever this thing between us was too good to be true, we would self-sabotage. Verdi would do this by saying something she knew would hurt my feelings, pulling away, and giving me the silent treatment. And I tell her my fears and thoughts in my head. Most of the time when I would tell her my thoughts, I just wanted reassurance from her that they are just thoughts, but they inevitably made her upset with me because they touched on one of her triggers, be it commitment, ego, or others.”
“You’ve done a lot of work for the two of you.” I turn and look at Verdi through the rearview mirror. “She sounds like a keeper, Ver.”
“Yeah, Sheila put in all the work trying to figure us out and helping us make it work.” Verdi reaches her hand across the console and squeezes Sheila’s thigh. I look away, not wanting to intrude on their moment.
“What about you and Sihn?” Verdi asks. “What’s going on with you two?”
I shrug.
“You’re wearing the I’m-the-girlfriend or I’m-an-obsessed-fan tee. So which is it?”
I continue to stare out the window as we get closer to the venue. “Neither…”
“Sheila, she might need some attachment help as well.”