27. Jasper
Chapter twenty-seven
I sit at the foot of her bed, watching her sleep. It’s easier to say sleep, then to acknowledge that she passed out from such a bad panic attack that we got home, got her into her bed, and she still hasn’t woken up. Everyone is scattered around her room, silently watching her.
Thankfully, when she passed out, she started breathing normally as her natural instincts took over once her mind had shut down.
We met Paul really early this morning and now I’m supposed to be headed to school, as are the other three, but we can’t bring ourselves to leave her.
That wasn’t a normal panic attack. It’s like her mind had shattered, and she couldn’t pull herself back together. The worst part was the moment she stopped breathing… stopped trying to breathe.
I was terrified by the vacant look of defeat in her eyes. She really needs to see a psychiatrist. This attack seemed to come out of nowhere. Although, with all the news she found out from her father earlier, I shouldn’t be surprised.
But she acts so well-adjusted at times, it’s easy to forget everything she’s been through, and everything still on her mind. We haven’t helped with that situation either. I just hope she wakes up soon and that we can fix what’s bothering her .
Max
I watch her lie there, unmoving, from where I sit at the edge of her bed. I swear my heart stopped beating at the same time she decided to give up. I saw it in her eyes the moment she just gave in, as if she was begging the darkness to take her.
Doesn’t she know how much I love her? Doesn’t she know how much that would break me? She isn’t allowed to leave me, especially like that, by giving up. I’m determined to figure out what happened and I’m not going anywhere until I do—school be damned.
Gideon
I check my watch for the tenth time in two minutes. We really need to get to the school to retain our cover in the hopes of getting more info on what Simon is up to. But none of us are willing to leave this room until she’s awake and breathing normally.
She had two panic attacks back to back. I can’t help but feel that something is terribly wrong. I won’t be able to focus on anything else until I know what happened.
As I sit in her desk chair, watching her, I recall how I thought I could bring her back from the brink of panic, like I have before, but something was different this time. It was almost like she didn’t want to listen to me.
When I stared into her panicked eyes, I swear she looked heartbroken, but I’m not sure what caused it… this time. We’re really messing everything up, me more than the rest. But right now, I just want her to wake up .
Tucker
This girl is going to be the death of me. If someone isn’t trying to kill her, she’s trying to kill herself.
No. I can’t believe that. I didn’t get a good look at her face like the others did, but the panic in their voices was terrifying. When I saw her head roll, like she was doped up on drugs, I wanted to take her to the hospital. But the others told me she’d wake up, that she’d be okay. But it’s been over an hour now and she still hasn’t regained consciousness.
I wish I knew what made her react like that, so we could make a plan to stop it from happening again.
As I watch her from the end of her bed, I hug TJ tightly to my chest, praying she’ll wake up soon and show me that gorgeous smile.
Atlas
I stand in Mina’s doorway with my arms crossed, afraid that if I blink, she’ll somehow disappear from the room.
When we found her in her basement, beaten and broken, I was horrified and devastated. But this—this is heartbreaking. I saw the moment she let the panic take over. The life faded from her eyes, and she stopped trying to breathe. I tried to call her back to me, to us, but she wouldn’t listen.
I’ve only known my little Malishka for a short time, but she’s already so deeply rooted in my heart. And if she thinks she can just leave me, leave us, she’s wrong. I won’t leave this room again until she knows with every fiber of her being how deeply I love her and that she isn’t ever allowed to leave me. I won’t let her.
Ben
Mina sits sandwiched between Dom and myself, as I run my fingers through her soft hair. I keep running the conversation at the diner over and over in my head. Something must have triggered her. But of all the things she’s been told and stayed strong through, I didn’t think us arguing with her dad would be the thing to set her off.
When I held her in the SUV and felt her tears before she’d even fully woken up, it broke my heart. I don’t want her to be sad, ever. I want her happy and smiling, and I can’t help but feel like a fuck-up for letting this happen.
When she wakes, I want to finally tell her how I feel about her. Thinking about losing her, without ever telling her how I feel, makes me wish I hadn’t given her so much space over the past few days.
We fucked up, and it’s time we fix it.
Dom
I‘m so angry at my little Kitten. She’s not allowed to give up on me like that. I love this girl with every fiber of my being, and she’s supposed to feel the same way back. I thought she did. But how could she, if she can just give up that easily?
It doesn’t make sense. Her panic attack at the diner was different from the one in the SUV, but none of us can figure out what happened that could explain it. She just woke up crying .
Her fingers twitch where I’m holding her hand, and I snap my head around to look at her face. The whole room grows tense as everyone notices and waits for her to move again.
Moments later, she starts to stir, her eyes slowly blinking open as she looks at the ceiling.
We all watch her silently, afraid to move or say anything that might spook her. Her breathing stays steady with no sign of panic as her eyes begin to move around the room.
When they land on mine, there’s heartbreak and devastation written all over them. It’s like a kick to the nuts, literally making me grunt in pain. Her lip trembles, and her eyes turn glossy.
“No,” I command her, grabbing her and pulling her up to my chest. I cradle her with one arm around her back and the other stroking her face.
“You don’t get to shut down like that, you’re breaking my heart, Kitten. Tell me why you’re so upset.”
She sniffles, and I’m surprised when she answers so quickly. “You—you don’t want me anymore. You’re going to send me away. You think I’m messed up. I—I’d rather die than live without you, any of you. I can’t do this on my own!” She is practically shouting as tears roll down her cheeks.
“Jesus, baby, what are you talking about?” I look at her like she’s nuts, because, I mean, why would she think we don’t want her? This makes no sense.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about! I heard what Atlas said!” she cries, covering her face with her hands as I pull her closer and exchange a confused glance with Atlas, who looks both confused and horrified that he might have caused this .
“What did Atlas say? Tell me exactly what you think he said.” I’m so angry, but I don’t even know where to direct it right now.
She sniffles and looks at Atlas, directing her answer to him. “You said you have to send me away, that my head is messed up, and that I can’t be fixed. Y-you don’t want me because I’m broken.”
I rack my brain, trying to remember what was said. He did say something like that, but that’s not what he meant.
She starts to hyperventilate again so I hold her cheek in my large palm, trying to soothe her.
“Baby, that’s not what he meant. We were saying that we thought you should see a psychiatrist to get some help. We know so much has happened to you in your life and recently, and it’s a lot to deal with. None of us are properly equipped to help you, and we thought a professional could help you figure out your emotions. In no way are we sending you away. If you decide you want to see a psychiatrist, we’ll be waiting for you in the waiting room the entire time. There is no way any of us would send you away. In fact, we won’t even let you take yourself away from us. You’re ours . Do you understand?”
I seem to be getting through to her because her breathing is calming down as she stares into my eyes. I see hope and desperation looking up at me. She’s hoping my words are true.
“Kitten,” I say, rubbing my palm along her cheek. “You’re going through so much right now with your parents, Simon, Jeff, and Brad. But the one thing you never have to worry about is us. I know I speak for my brothers when I say that we all knew from the moment we met you that you were it for us. I love you, baby, and if I thought my brothers would let me, I’d haul you down to the courthouse and marry you on the spot. ”
Her eyes go wide, but I also see desire there as well. I think, although the idea shocks her, she isn’t totally against it… interesting.
A few of my brothers groan around the room. When she doesn’t say anything, I prod her. “So, Kitten, what do you say?”
Her mouth opens and closes as her eyes go comically wide, and Ben laughs. “He’s not proposing, Princess. He’s asking about the rest of it.”
“Oh…” Her shoulders drop, and she stares at her hand as she strokes the scar around her ring finger. “I’m sorry I freaked out. I came out of the first panic attack to hear those words, and I just took them the wrong way, I guess.”
“Next time, if you hear something that upsets you, confuses you, or frustrates you, I want you not to panic. You are to ask us about it first. Even if you have to pull one of us aside to get clarity, you do it. If you want to yell at us, do that. I don’t want you ever getting upset like that again. And no matter what, you never give up like you did and stop breathing. Kitten, you almost gave me a heart attack,” I chastise her.
“You almost gave all of us heart attacks,” Gideon adds seriously.
She looks around the room at everyone with tears in the corners of her eyes as she tells us, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again. Please, please don’t be mad at me.”
She looks at me with the biggest puppy-dog eyes I’ve ever seen, and my face softens. I stroke her face as I stare down at her lovingly.
“I could never be mad at you, Kitten. Now, why don’t you say bye to the four that need to head to school?”
I let her crawl away from me as she moves to the end of the bed, where the twins and Tucker are. She sits up on her knees, and Jasper pulls her into a hug. He pulls back and gives her a quick peck on the cheek. She repeats the same thing with Max and Gideon .
When she turns to Tucker, he takes her hand and asks, “will you come out in the hall with me for a minute?”
“Oh, sure,” she says, climbing off the bed and letting him lead her out of the room. Right before he steps into the hall, he turns around and gives me a wink.
That action tells me everything I need to know. He’s tired of waiting, and he’s ready to start groveling to our girl. I couldn’t agree more.