11. Valentina
11
VALENTINA
T here was one aspect of the wedding planning I hadn’t stuck my nose in.
It was a relief to be arriving as a guest and not the planner at Rose’s shower. It was taking place in the Goldsmiths’ SoHo penthouse late on a Sunday morning, two weeks before the wedding. Sienna had planned everything relating to the shower, and now I rode the elevator up to the top floor, carrying a basket full of wrapped gifts after having gone through Rose’s wedding registry and snagging all of the smaller pieces. I regretted my tactic as soon as it came time to wrap ten individual boxes, but the effect was nice, right down to the cascading ribbon and fresh flowers I’d tucked in here and there.
If anything, it would be nice to spend an afternoon among women without the threat of male distraction getting in my way. I had a hard enough time keeping Evan and me a secret, not that there was an Evan and me, technically. There was only what we were doing together. I had to stay clear on that, or else risk complications I didn’t have the time or energy to deal with .
Somehow, he still managed to worm his way into my thoughts as I stepped off the elevator. He was supposed to be golfing with the guys today, sort of a preview of what they could expect in two short weeks.
Two weeks.
The idea made my stomach queasy, but things were going according to schedule. We even got the bulk of the seating chart finished at Evan’s, albeit on Saturday morning after the storm had passed. The rest of the time had been spent doing just about anything but working. Since then, we’d both been too busy to see each other, meaning I’d been replaying that night in my head like a favorite movie. All things considered, it was a much safer course of action than actually sleeping with him again.
My skin went warm when I remembered how wild it was, going crazy on each other while thunder rumbled and lightning flashed. When my clit started to pulse, I had to deliberately push the memories out of my mind before ringing the bell. No room for erotic fantasies at a bridal shower, especially when my family would be there.
“Come in!” Olivia was radiant, beaming, kissing my cheek before draping an arm around my waist and leading me deeper into the penthouse she shared with her husband. “There are already a few dozen girls here. We’ll wait another few minutes to see who else straggles in.”
The spacious living room was full of chatty, giggling women. Fresh flowers in Rose’s wedding colors of cream, navy, and peach were scattered around, along with balloons and streamers decorating the overloaded gift table spanning the far side of the room.
“What can I do to help?” I asked, raising my voice to be heard over dozens of overlapping voices. I wished I had thought to bring ibuprofen for the headache already threatening to break loose in the back of my head. I was used to spending time in large crowds, noisy and boisterous, and usually half-drunk. There was something different about the decibel level and frequency reached by a group of excited women that somehow topped that.
Olivia shook her head as I placed the basket among countless other beautifully wrapped gifts. “Absolutely not, young lady. You are here to enjoy yourself today. You have already done so much and deserve a little break.”
“At least tell me where I can find the guest of honor.” The shower wasn’t a surprise—some things had to be left by the wayside with a schedule this tight. There was no time to sneak around and pretend we weren’t having a party.
“She’s in her old room, resting a little.” I must have looked as worried as I felt since Olivia shook her head and waved a hand. “She’s fine. Still a little green around the gills, but nothing serious. Aria is in there with her now.”
It would be a break from all the voices and laughter that were like an ice pick in my ears, and I couldn’t understand why as I walked down the hall leading to a room I had stayed in more times over the years than I could count. Our parents were always getting us together back in the day, having little parties and dinners. When things ran late, we would spend the night.
Rose was lying down when I eased the door open, and Aria turned my way from her seat on the edge of the bed. “There you are. I was wondering when you were going to get here.”
“What a welcome,” I grumbled, ignoring her and going straight to Rose. “How’s it going?”
“I’ll be fine once I get a little rest.” She closed her eyes, and I exchanged a worried look with my sister.
“You should see who’s out there waiting for you.” I sat across from Aria on Rose’s left side. “I don’t know if you’re going to have room in your apartment for everything on that gift table.”
“We don’t need anything,” Rose pointed out with a faint smile. “I only did the registry because Mom said it was tradition.”
“Everybody likes to shower the bride with gifts before a wedding,” Aria insisted. “I’m a little jealous, honestly.”
“Tell me about it,” I joked. “I saw somebody bought the espresso machine. I’d be happy to break it in for you.”
We had Rose giggling before long. By the time Olivia tapped on the door to check in, she was sitting up and looking stronger.
It was wrong of me to think about myself at a time like this, walking behind my sister as we followed Rose from the room so she could greet her guests. None of this had to do with me, yet there was no hope of avoiding the memories that wouldn’t leave me the hell alone.
For the second day in a row, I wasn’t sick. The morning sickness that had first tipped me off to my pregnancy had miraculously gone away, and I was feeling better than I had in weeks as I got up on what seemed like an average Friday morning. Aria and I were going home for the weekend after our last classes of the day at Columbia since Mom was having a hard time adjusting to us being gone in the weeks since school started.
“You can do your laundry here,” she’d offered to sweeten the deal. Any college student knew how important that was.
It wasn’t until I stopped at the ladies’ room between classes that I noticed there was anything wrong.
Standing back, I watched Rose’s guests surround her, squealing and giggling, all of them telling her how beautiful she looked and asking about the baby. The strange, almost sick sensation that had washed over me at the engagement party worked its magic again. Somebody sucked the air out of the room while a cold, sick sweat coated the back of my neck. “I’m going to see if Sienna needs help,” I told Aria, escaping to the kitchen like my life depended on it.
No, no. Not like this, please. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even been to the doctor yet. I hadn’t figured out how to tell my parents, and now I was bleeding.
“Hey, you.” Sienna and a couple of Rose’s friends finished setting up a tray of drinks, which one of the girls carried into the living room. “You look a little flustered,” she informed me after looking me up and down.
“I’m okay. It’s just… a lot out there.” I winced, and she giggled.
“I know. My ears are ringing, and I’m not in the room with them. So long as Rose is happy,” she concluded, refilling a tray of pastry wrapped something or other from a tray she took out of the oven. “I covered the catering, but why I didn’t think to hire servers for this, I have no idea.”
“Because you’ve got me here, obviously.” It was something to do, and I needed something else to focus on. “Put me to work.”
“Do you ever just relax and enjoy yourself?” she asked, handing me the platter of hors d’oeuvres. “Knock yourself out if it means that much to you.”
“What a strange way to say thank you,” I muttered, making her laugh as I left the room. Was I turning into Evan, deflecting with humor whenever things got too uncomfortable?
“I can’t wait until you pop,” one of the girls gushed to Rose as I wound my way through the room. “You are going to be the cutest little pregnant lady ever.”
“Where’s that hunky fiancé?” another girl asked. There were so many unfamiliar faces that I was a little lost. Rose had a lot of friends from work, both girls who modeled for the company and girls who worked in the offices. It was a real family environment.
“The men were forbidden from showing their faces,” Aunt Lourde announced. “Now, why don’t we start opening gifts?” The applause the idea earned told me everybody was eager to get started.
“We should’ve made this a double shower,” somebody suggested while I gathered napkins and empty plates to take back to the kitchen. “For the wedding and the baby. Two birds with one stone.”
Something was wrong. I had told myself for hours that everything would be fine, but everything was anything but by Friday night. I only wanted it to be. Once I got so dizzy, I hit the bathroom floor. Aria heard me and opened the door even when I told her not to. There was no way to hide it now.
After hours of pain, I didn’t want to.
“Swear to me.” I squeezed her hand until she winced. “Swear you will never, ever tell anybody about this.”
“What if you need to go to a hospital?” She looked so scared, eyes wide, and face pale. She looked a lot like me, come to think of it, remembering my ashen complexion when I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror after she helped me to my feet and practically carried me to bed.
“If it doesn’t slow down by morning, I’ll go to the hospital,” I promised. “But I don’t want to go unless I really, really have to. Okay? Please,” I whispered, squeezing her hand even harder.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked quietly, with tears choking her.
“I don’t know. I didn’t know how to tell you. And now…” All I could do was lie down and curl into a ball as the finality of what was happening washed over me. There was no baby anymore. Th e baby I didn’t know what to do about, the baby I was unsure of, was gone.
Now I knew how much I had wanted it.
Her.
There was no way of knowing if I was having a girl or a boy, but somehow, I was sure I’d just lost my daughter.
“I’m going to stay with you.” She crawled into bed beside me, pulling the blankets up over both of us before wrapping an arm around me. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Just one thing, though. Does the father know?”
I couldn’t hold back the sob that tore through me when I thought of Evan. We hadn’t spoken in three weeks, ever since he left for Harvard. He’d tried to reach out through texts and calls, but I didn’t bother answering. Not that he ever said anything substantial or meaningful.
Evan: Talk to me, we can work this out, I’m behind whatever you decide to do.
Something between us had shattered the night I told him about the baby. He was like a different person, a friendly acquaintance instead of the guy I spent the summer sleeping with after knowing him for four years.
“He knows,” I eventually whispered when the crushing pain passed.
She must’ve known better than to ask who he was because she didn’t bother. I doubted she had any guesses. We had kept things quiet. There I was, thinking he wanted to keep our group from blowing up if they knew we were sleeping together, but I knew differently. He never intended for us to be more than a fling—somebody to fuck around with before he moved on with his actual life in college.
And after I told him the following morning, I knew for sure he was more relieved than anything else. He didn’t feel sorry for me. He didn’t feel sorry for what we had lost. The complication was out of the way.
I couldn’t be here anymore. All those laughing, happy women in the other room. All they did was remind me of what was irreparably broken inside me. I would never be like them because I would never be able to let go of the pain. I hadn’t processed it. I had only covered it up, shoved it down deep, and now it was exposed like a raw nerve after having a tooth pulled. Every little thing that brushed it made it throb with unimaginable pain.
“Sweetie?” My head snapped up at the sound of my mother’s voice, and I had never been so glad to see her. Why hadn’t I told her about this before? She would understand now. I knew she would. Mom always understood.
She crossed the room, arms extended. “You’re ready to drop. I knew you were working too hard on the wedding,” she fretted, even touching the back of her hand to my forehead like she was checking for a fever. “You should go to Rose’s room and lie down. I would hate to see you miss all the fun out there, but you need to take care of yourself. Rose will understand.”
I longed to tell her. The words were right there, on the tip of my tongue. But it would only ruin things for Mom in the end. She was so happy for Rose and Colton and thrilled for Olivia and Lourde. This was no time to overshadow that.
“I think I am a little burned out,” I agreed, nodding slowly, taking sips of air through the pinhole my throat had tightened into. “I might go home, honestly. I didn’t think it would hit me like this.”
“Honey, by all means. And hey,” she whispered, taking my face in her hands. “Your sister would love to pitch in wherever she can. So would I, for that matter. These final weeks are going to be so hectic. Please, let us help you if we can, all right? The wedding won’t be any good if you can’t enjoy it.”
At this rate, I wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy anything. There was something broken in me, so broken I didn’t know if it was possible to fix it. Any ability to compartmentalize was gone. I had lost control of myself and was spiraling in a way I never had.
“I’ll take it easy when I can,” I promised, though, of course, I didn’t mean a word of it. Sometimes, a girl had to tell her mother what she needed to hear.
Nobody else noticed me slipping out while Rose tore into another one of her many gifts. Life was so fucking unfair. One of my best, lifelong friends, somebody who had never been anything but supportive and sweet, and I didn’t have it in me to stick around for her shower because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself.
If only it were really that simple. The fact was, I couldn’t handle the reminder of what had almost been mine.
And how I didn’t know how much I wanted it until it was all gone.