Chapter 3 #3
A breeze ruffled the paper on the table.
Mother smoothed it out with her hand and rearranged the bronze paperweight at the end of the sheet.
“Enze is a kind and honest boy who could benefit from your help. You don’t have to treat him like an outsider.
Lǐ and yì are both among the five cardinal virtues.
Propriety is meant to help us live more nobly.
As long as you have integrity in your heart, helping a good man cannot be wrong. ”
Fan Enze sat on a boulder in an obscure corner of the family’s bamboo garden, the profile of his face clear-cut above the copy of the Classic of Poetry he held in his hands. Absorbed in his book, he looked harmless.
Yet Ailin’s nerves still twitched like a fawn in a forest. Mother had asked her to help him, and Ailin also owed him for the day in the rain, but the conviction that she was doing a good deed didn’t make her any less apprehensive.
Regardless of her intentions, he was still a man, and she was still a woman.
Being caught alone together could be scandalous.
At the very least, Fulan would be angry.
As Ailin considered how to get Fan Enze’s attention, the sun peeked through a cloud, bouncing light off the single silver pin in her hair and onto the garden wall. Fan Enze looked up at the light, stopping when their eyes met, making it too late for Ailin to back away without notice.
He hurriedly scrambled off the boulder, clearly confused by her presence. “May I help you, Miss Duan?”
Ailin could not believe she was approaching him after a week of concerted effort to do the opposite. “I, um, have something for you to read.”
“Oh?”
She held out a sewn paper book. “This contains some essays of past imperial exam passers. I thought it might help with your studies.”
He carefully took the volume out of her hands, slow enough to show respect, deliberate enough to avoid brushing her skin. She didn’t know if she was disappointed or relieved.
His eyes grew wide as he turned the pages. “These essays are by the first-ranked scholars of the palace exams of more than twenty years ago. How do you have them?”
Ailin smiled. His recognition of the essays’ authors meant that he was knowledgeable enough to appreciate their content.
Lending the precious book to him might be worth the risk of upsetting Fulan.
“Scholars Luó, Chéng, and Yáng were colleagues of my father when he worked at the Hanlin Academy. He kept their essays because they were friends.”
“This book is from your father’s personal collection?” Fan Enze’s voice lilted up in surprise.
“Well . . .” The book was actually from Ailin’s dowry, but she wasn’t going to tell him that.
Father had meant for her to share it only with her future husband, but she was letting Fan Enze read it because of Mother’s request. She didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.
“It’s not much. Lending you the book was my mother’s idea.
She’s grateful that you play wéiqí with Heli and Ming-ming so often. ”
Fan Enze stared at the book as if he held a great treasure. “I’ve only done the bare minimum that a guest should do.”
Ailin was touched by his courteousness. Then she remembered her own debt to him. “I also want to thank you for keeping our first meeting secret. The way I hid my identity must have seemed strange.”
“I’m sure you had valid reasons.” As his eyes lingered on her face, the tint of concern he had shown at their first meeting crept into his expression again. “Was it because of my sister?”
Ailin tensed. “Why would you think that?”
If he sensed something amiss in Fulan’s relationship with the rest of the family, surely, as Fulan’s brother, he would take her side. The potential for conflict rose like humidity before a storm, making Ailin nervous.
But Fan Enze sighed, more in sympathy than disagreement.
“Fulan has said some things that imply she is not the gentlest household manager. I’m afraid that growing up neglected by our stepmother has made her less kind than she should be, and I worry that she has made life more difficult for your family during an already difficult time.
I also worry that my arrival has added to your burden. ”
“You aren’t a burden,” Ailin said reflexively. Taken aback by her own abruptness, she cleared her throat. “What I mean is, it’s not your fault.”
“Are you sure?” His voice trembled a little, like wintersweet blossoms in a snowstorm.
“Of course.” Fan Enze’s vulnerability made Ailin respond more confidently.
Though she and he came from very different backgrounds, there was a familiarity about him that made her feel like she was talking to a mirror rather than a stranger.
“You can’t control fate or other people’s choices, but you can try your best with what you have, which you are doing. ”
Fan Enze looked down at his feet. “I’m not so sure.
Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time while chasing the unattainable.
. . . No one in my father’s or my mother’s line has ever passed the imperial exams, and I feel brazen for trying to be the first. I think my sister is only supporting me to spite our stepmother, who would rather have me work instead.
Honestly, I don’t think either of them are confident in my chances at anything. ”
Ailin was caught off guard by how raw his fears were. She didn’t think men were usually so honest with women they barely knew.
“Is that why Fulan wants you to marry Miss Mo?” She couldn’t hold back the question. The pressure of an arranged match had hung over her own head for so long that she wondered if someone else in the house felt the same way about their prospects.
Enze nodded, looking sadder than ever. “Fulan wants me to leverage a traditional marriage with the Mo family based on our parents’ old agreement, while my stepmother wants me to join them as a zhuìxù. Both ideas make me feel sick. It feels dishonorable, seeking marriage purely for advantage.”
“That’s understandable.” Ailin’s simple answer only skimmed the surface of her empathy. Enze seemed like someone who dealt with problems like she did, quiet and alone. She felt deeply for him.
“What about you?” he asked tentatively.
Ailin was surprised by his continued attention. “What do you mean?”
Enze’s face reddened. “Fulan told me that the heir of the Huang house might still be waiting for you since he doesn’t have a wife yet. She thinks it would be a good match.”
Ailin choked out a laugh at the ridiculous idea. “Master Huang might not have a wife, but I’ve heard he already has five concubines.”
“Does that cancel out the attractiveness of his fortune?”
“Most definitely. And that’s only if you think riches alone would make him attractive in the first place.”
“What do you think would make a man attractive?” Enze’s voice lowered noticeably. Though his words could be construed as flirting, his tone was serious. He held her gaze as if he truly wanted to know her thoughts.
Ailin blinked as something tugged at her heart, as if she was caught between danger and promise.
Between risk and hope. She had no relationship with Enze other than Fulan’s warning to stay away from him, and yet, she felt safe with him.
The way he made her want to trust him was like Daoist alchemy—magical and inexplicable.
She considered what she could say.
All her life, she had studied what was right and proper so that her behavior could be impeccable even when her thoughts strayed.
Now she wondered what it would be like to speak the truths she felt rather than merely the answers she knew to be correct.
If she replied candidly, she would have to admit that what she liked more than propriety, practicality, and people-pleasing was being with someone who made her feel cared for and respected. Someone like you.