Chapter 21
Ailin
When Meilin left her alone in the rockery with Enze, Ailin panicked. After so many months of anticipation, she froze. Should she speak first or wait for him? Her nerves frayed as the seconds slipped by.
“It’s good to see you again, Miss Duan.” The knot at his throat bobbed nervously as he swallowed.
Ailin’s heart twinged. He sounded distant, as if the memories they shared at Nuolan Garden were too far away to remember.
But Enze was not someone who forgot details, which meant his rigidity was intentional.
Ailin steeled herself in response. If he didn’t volunteer any explanations, then she wouldn’t press him.
“I’m glad to see you too,” she said in the polite tone she would use with a stranger.
Enze looked down like a child who had been scolded. “Miss Meilin invited me to come visit you here,” he explained.
Ailin frowned, embarrassed but not surprised by Meilin’s meddling. Even if Meilin viewed Enze like a brother as she claimed, he was not really her relative, so it was inappropriate to have written to him. “I wonder why she did that.”
“I was grateful for her letter,” Enze replied. “I’ve wanted to approach you for months, but I didn’t have the courage. Things didn’t turn out the way we planned after I returned to Hangzhou . . .”
Ailin’s stomach clenched. He was obviously referring to Shen Lusi, and she suddenly didn’t want to hear any more.
Words left unsaid could not hurt as much as words in the open.
She didn’t want to know what happened between Shen Lusi and Enze.
There was only one thing she wanted to know so that she could finally let go of her feelings for him.
“Are you happy that you chose her?”
“Is that what you think?” Enze winced as if he was struck.
A strange response.
He sighed. “I didn’t choose her. We grew up together, so I always treated her as a sister.
Teacher Pang asked me on his deathbed to take care of her, so I went to check on her after returning to Hangzhou.
But when she found out about my plans to marry you, she grew upset and threatened that I would regret it if I didn’t marry her instead.
She seemed so desperate and determined that I didn’t know what to do besides try not to provoke her. ”
Ailin blinked in disbelief. “So you didn’t promise to marry her?”
“Never by choice,” he whispered as he hung his head.
Ailin remembered the small silk sachet Shen Lusi had shown her the night they first met. “Did you give her a lock of your hair?”
Enze looked up in alarm. “Of course not. Did she say I did?”
Ailin gripped herself tight as her world shook. He never proposed to her! Enze was bound by a threat rather than a promise. The revelation made Ailin want to cry. Her lips began to quiver so much that she had to bite down to make them stop.
Enze stepped closer, wrapping his arms around her like a blanket. “Please don’t cry, Ailin. It’s my fault. Blame me all you want, but please don’t cry.”
Ailin struggled not to embrace him back, her arms trembling with effort.
She longed to cling to him and accept the comfort he offered, but she couldn’t.
With her head tucked under his chin, she could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest. His closeness only twisted her heart harder.
How could she avoid the pain of separation now?
Enze couldn’t protect her while also keeping his promise to his dead teacher.
He had two honorable desires that were at odds.
“I stayed away from you as long as I could because I was afraid of dragging you down,” Enze said, earnest and desperate.
“I didn’t know if you’d still want to marry me after Lusi’s threat.
And I didn’t want to get in your way because there is no end of wealthy men like Master Huang who would gladly have you.
But if you still want me, despite all that, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to explain things to Lusi.
I would do anything for you, Ailin. I just need to know you still want me . . .”
Enze was giving her a choice. He would fight for their future together if that was what she wanted.
But is this what I want?
Nestled close to him, she could smell the scent of rain and books. She was sure she could never love another man more. But as much as she wanted to be with him, it didn’t change the problem with Shen Lusi.
Even if Enze didn’t want to marry Shen Lusi, the fact that she told everyone he did meant he couldn’t extricate himself cleanly.
There was no way to reveal the truth without causing damage.
If Enze were to deny Shen Lusi’s claims, then she would be humiliated and he would seem heartless—and heartless was the antithesis of everything Enze was.
His promise to Teacher Pang and his bone-deep kindness meant that he could never hurt his teacher’s niece, no matter how manipulative she was.
The only way to resolve the situation was for Ailin to remove herself from it.
If she truly loved Enze, she couldn’t let him keep feeling tied to her. Only by making him believe she didn’t want to be with him anymore could she free him from his conflicting loyalties. She took a deep breath, her lungs aching.
Hardening her heart, she pushed away from him, tucking her shaking hands into her sleeves.
She chose her words carefully. “You’re right.
You weren’t the first to ask for my hand, and you probably won’t be the last. Since your teacher’s niece is desperate to marry you while I have other options, it’s probably best for both of us if we forget about what happened at Nuolan Garden. ”
As she expected, Enze looked stricken. “Ailin . . .”
She ignored the pain in her chest. This is the best solution.
This was the option that would hurt the least amount of people over the long-term.
“I only agreed to marry you because I pitied you, because you seemed to need my help so much, and because you didn’t want to marry Miss Mo.
Now that Miss Shen wants to marry you, you obviously don’t need me anymore.
You’re not who I thought you were, and I would like to never see you again. ”
The rain that was threatening began to fall.
“I have umbrellas!” Meilin shouted as she ran back into the courtyard. She stopped next to Ailin. “Does this one bring back any memories?”
Ailin wiped water away from her eyes as she looked at the umbrella Meilin held out to her. It was plain as could be and hauntingly familiar. Enze’s umbrella. From their very first ill-fated meeting.
Ailin chuckled mirthlessly. She had believed the umbrella to be lost, but now she realized her sister had merely packed it away without her knowledge. She took the umbrella from Meilin. With great effort, she forced herself to smile as she pushed it, unopened, into Enze’s arms.
“I can finally return this to you, Master Fan. I believe we now owe each other nothing.”