Chapter 4 #2
Caedmon moved forward and crawled up onto the bed, a predatory light in his eye that should have scared me.
Instead, it had me laying back as he positioned himself over me.
“Do you think I’m alright, mon ange? I’m so fucked up I can barely function on a good day.
Now I almost just hurt you because I can’t even sleep correctly—”
“Why?” I whispered.
Pain seeped into his gaze. “Too many nightmares, and not the ones that stay in my head while asleep. I don’t live in the present, Effie. My past weighs me down each and every moment.”
“Then let me help lift you up.”
Caedmon let out a growl, tucking his head against my neck, his hot breath tickling my skin there. “You have dealt with enough, you don’t need my shit.”
“I want to help, Caedmon. We all have our issues… I mean, I have my insecurities about this, all of this, but running doesn’t help. Avoiding it doesn’t help.” If he did that, it would also break my heart.
His gaze met mine. “What insecurities? How the hell could you have any insecurities, mon ange? You fucking breathe perfection.”
I felt a sad smile crawl onto my lips as I admitted, “Your room makes me feel insecure.”
His eyes darkened. “Then I can change it.”
“It’s nothing you need to change… I just know you come from a different life than me, a much nicer life. I feel like I can’t touch anything of yours without messing it up, it’s all so beautiful and perfect… I just feel like I don’t fit. I feel like I am the thing that sticks out in this situation.”
Caedmon blinked, his face expressionless.
“Effie, you are the only thing that fits here. You make sense. You belong. The four of us—hell, even Ryder—don’t make sense.
You are this angelic being who just appeared out of goddamn nowhere.
You shouldn’t be in my bed, not because you don’t belong, but because it’s not safe.
I’m toxic, and no matter how much time passes, I will end up tainting you. ”
“I don’t believe that,” I whispered. “And I want to help stop the nightmares.”
He exhaled roughly. “You being here helps. When you sleep in my bed, it grounds me…but I can’t ask you to sleep with me every night.”
“Maybe not every night, but most,” I murmured. His eyes filled with what almost looked like hope and relief, and it encouraged me to lift my fingers up. “Can I touch you?”
A shudder went through him. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Okay.” I pulled my hand back, but before I could fully, he brought my fingers to his cheek, leaning into my touch.
I traced his angled features and he rolled to the side, keeping me tucked against him.
His heartbeat was so fast, and I had to tilt my head back to keep his gaze.
When his eyes dipped to my lips, I felt everything still.
I wanted Caedmon to kiss me.
I wanted to feel his touch and fully explore the way he could taste my lips.
“I can’t,” he whispered as if reminding himself.
“Why?”
A tortured expression flashed across his face as he spoke quietly in the darkness of the room. “Because the way I would want you, the way I would need you, the way I do need you… It isn’t healthy.”
Before I could question his meaning, something about his words causing my skin to break out into a flush, he continued, “You deserve romance, and I can’t do that.
I will ruin you, mon ange. I will stain your soul until it’s as dark as mine, and there is a part of me that wants that, that wants to make it so you can never leave—”
His voice turned choked, and the emotion he was displaying inspired a moment of bravery. “Caedmon, what do you mean about how you would want me? I don’t understand fully.”
His rumble caused my center to tighten as he shook his head. “I’m all messed up in the head, Effie, and your first time, or any time, shouldn’t be with someone like me—”
“What do you mean someone like you?” I demanded softly.
Caedmon’s eyes darkened with frustration. “You deserve romance and softness, Effie, someone who will hold you after sex… Or fuck, even kiss you to begin with. I…I’m not capable of that.”
“What are you capable of?”
“Fucking you. I could fuck you, Effie, but that’s where it starts and ends with me. If I don’t take you exactly like that, hard and completely under my control, I could hurt you—really hurt you—and that isn’t something I can risk.”
“You are holding me right now,” I whispered.
Although hearing the word ‘fuck’ come out of his mouth had my entire body lighting up as I tried to sort through what I really wanted from Caedmon…
Wasn’t it possible to have both? The idea of him exerting dominance in the right situation wasn’t unattractive to me at all, truth be told.
But I also felt like he needed some softness.
I could tell he enjoyed my touch like this… At least, I think he did.
“And a minute ago I almost hurt you because I wasn’t completely in control!”
I kept my voice even. “Stop trying to scare me.”
“You should be scared,” he hissed and pressed his forehead against mine, our lips nearly touching. “You should be running in the opposite direction of me.”
I had no idea what I was doing, but something told me that I needed to be more direct with him, so I swallowed down my nerves. “Kiss me.”
“What?” He pulled back and looked at me incredulously. I tried to ignore the insecurity bubbling up.
“I said kiss me.” I nearly stuttered on the word. Caedmon looked down at my lips, and I thought for a second he would reject my request.
I was wrong.
Caedmon surged forward and met my lips in a lethal kiss that had a shock of energy surging across my skin.
I let out a small moan of surprise at the way his hand naturally slipped around the back of my neck in a firm grasp, his fingers brushing my bite.
Wetness grew between my legs, my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
A surge of almost frenzied energy ran over me, and my leg slid up his hip as he gripped my waist, almost seeming to try to control himself from moving closer and against me.
I deepened the kiss, and a low rumble rattled from his chest. I could tell he was holding back, so I tried to give him everything, sliding my fingers around the back of his neck…and I think it broke whatever control he had been trying to maintain.
I let out a surprised noise as I was suddenly flat on my back with him looming over me, my hands caught up and above me as he continued to devour my mouth.
I felt my breathing catch, unable to move, and instead of feeling trapped…
I felt something else. Something almost foreign that caused everything inside of me to spin.
I liked him holding me like this. Any panic from before was absolutely gone, and instead a gnawing hunger and need completely consumed me.
It didn’t help that I could feel how much he wanted me, and I didn’t hesitate to tighten my legs around his hips, his hard length pressing to the juncture of my thighs.
When he tore his mouth away from mine, I felt dizzy and almost as if I’d had something taken away from me. A whine broke from my throat as he stared at me, his breathing uneven.
“Holy shit,” he muttered, breathing roughly.
“Like in a good or bad way?” I licked my lips, savoring his taste.
His eyes filled with so much emotion that it had my heart hurting, as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against my own. “There is no way that kissing you could ever be bad, mon ange. I just… I’ve never had a kiss like that before.”
“A kiss like what?” I asked softly.
His eyes filled with pain as he swallowed. “Any kiss. I’ve never had any kisses. Not one that wasn’t taken from me forcefully.”
My eyes filled with tears as he realized what he’d said and rolled us onto the side. I tucked myself under his chin and breathed in his scent. I knew that something was changing between Caedmon and me, I just think both of us were still figuring it out.
The one thing I did know? I’d proved him wrong. He could kiss me. There was a softer side to Caedmon, and I found myself wanting both aspects of him. Fully.