Chapter 18
LUCIAN
I stared at the contract spread across my desk, but the words blurred together as my mind replayed last night's conversation with Tessa.
The memory of her stunned expression when I'd demanded she get pregnant with me instead of some anonymous donor made my chest tight with regret.
What the heck had I been thinking?
The proposition had emerged from raw jealousy rather than rational planning, and now I was left wondering if I'd destroyed whatever fragile connection we'd managed to preserve.
But beneath the regret, I was surprised to realize that the idea of her saying yes to my proposition tugged at my heart more strongly than I thought.
The idea of Tessa carrying my child terrified me because of what my children might say and what Viktoria might do. But I wanted it more desperately every time I thought about it.
Not just because it would eliminate the donor option that made me want to put my fist through walls, but because I could picture it so clearly.
Her body changing as our baby grew, her looking up at me with proud smiles and my chance to show this world I wasn't a complete screw-up.
I was in love with her.
I'd come to that conclusion weeks ago after telling myself for months this was physical attraction simply because of proximity, but lying to myself had become impossible.
I loved her intelligence, her resilience, the way she saw through my children's hostility to offer genuine insights about healing my fractured relationships.
I loved her ambition and her independence, even when that independence included plans that made me insane with jealousy.
But admitting love meant admitting vulnerability, and I'd built my entire adult life on the principle that emotional weakness led to catastrophic loss.
My marriage had collapsed because of my obsession with work. My children barely tolerated my presence. Every relationship I'd attempted to prioritize had ended in failure and resentment.
A knock on my door interrupted my brooding and I was glad for it. "Come in," I grumbled, and then I sat a little straighter and tried to look happy. Until the door opened.
Tessa entered with her usual composure, but I could see the stress she held in her posture.
I had no way of reading her mind, but I knew she had to be processing what I told her I wanted. I knew it had to feel like whiplash to her.
We snuck around for months having illicit sex and then I shut her down, barely spoke to her for a month, which was sheer torture. And then I sprang that on her.
And to make matters worse, we hadn't really spoken since then. She wanted time to process, and I felt like an imbecile.
She had every right to think I was an idiot.
"Your ten o'clock meeting with the pension fund representatives has been moved to ten thirty," she said, consulting her tablet. "They're running behind on their quarterly review."
"Fine. Anything else?" I was tense and short with her, but I was also a ball of emotions I couldn’t express, especially not at work.
"The compliance team needs your signature on the updated disclosure forms, and Mr. Mercer wants to schedule time to discuss the revenue projections for the fourth quarter." Her voice was perfectly neutral, giving away nothing about her internal state.
"Schedule it for Thursday afternoon. And get me coffee—the good stuff from the executive kitchen, not the swill from the main break room."
She nodded and left, having never cracked so much as a smirk, and I watched her walk away, wondering if I'd permanently damaged whatever trust we'd built by letting my possessiveness override my judgment.
When she was gone, I shuttered my windows for privacy and ran my hands through my hair, resisting the urge to tug some out.
I was out of control with insane jealousy.
I knew myself well, and I knew the drive to get what I want never died easily, but this was taking on a whole new level for me.
I was crossing lines internally that I'd never dreamed of crossing, feeling like if she didn't give me an answer soon, I'd have no choice but to show up at her apartment again tonight and demand one. But what would she think of me then?
Blake and Elena had paid the price for my ambition, growing up with a father who missed soccer games for client meetings and chose conference calls over family dinners.
I'd told myself I was building something for them, securing their future through financial success.
But they'd needed a father more than they'd needed trust funds, and by the time I'd realized that truth, the damage was irreversible.
With Tessa, I could start over, be the father I should have been the first time, the partner I'd failed to be with Viktoria.
The thought of holding my newborn child, of watching Tessa become a mother, of building something real together—it made me want to abandon every cautious instinct I possessed.
Twenty minutes later, she returned with my coffee, setting it on my desk and avoiding eye contact.
But when she turned to leave, I caught something in her expression—a flicker of uncertainty that suggested she was fighting her own internal battle.
I watched her walk to the open door and stand there looking out. If she walked out, I'd assume she was returning to her desk to continue her job. But she didn't walk out.
She closed the door and turned to face me. Her eyes were wide and her forehead was scrunched up. Her hands kneaded together in front of her and she sighed hard.
"I've been thinking about your offer," she said, stepping closer to me.
My stomach lurched, but I kept my voice steady. "And?"
"I'm confused about what's going on. A month ago, you said we needed distance to protect both our reputations.
Now, you're suggesting we create a permanent connection that would tie us together for decades.
" The agony was killing me. I just wanted to know her answer, whether to celebrate or to lick my wounds.
"Why would you want that kind of commitment when we agreed this had no strings attached? "
Her question was fair and impossible to answer honestly without admitting I had feelings for her. It caused a moment of sheer panic, from which I'd never a day in my life suffered.
Of course, I'd have to tell her eventually that I was madly in love with her, but right now, things were dicey with Viktoria and my children.
When the smoke cleared, it would be easier, but for now, I had to settle for practical arguments that barely explained my irrational behavior.
At least that’s what I told myself. Really, I was terrified that if I confessed to loving her, she'd shut me down. Then where would I be?
"You want a child. I have the resources to support both of you comfortably.
It makes more financial sense than paying thousands to a clinic for procedures that might not work.
" I leaned back in my chair, trying to project the kind of detached logic that had served me well in business negotiations.
"Think of it as a mutually beneficial arrangement.
You get what you want, I provide what you need, and we can work out custody arrangements that serve everyone's interests. "
She crept closer and narrowed her eyes at me, probing me further. "Any donor would give me what I want biologically. Why offer yourself, specifically?"
I felt a surge of anger at the idea that she'd let some other man's semen impregnate her.
It wasn't rational at all, and I couldn’t exactly explain why. I just refused to continue this thing we were doing if she was pregnant with another man's baby.
And I had a million emotional reactions but not a single defense for any of them.
"If we're going to keep sleeping together, I don't want you having another man's child," I said finally, through gritted teeth. "Even an anonymous donor's. The idea makes me physically ill."
"That's not rational, Luci." That name… When she called me that, it did things to me and she knew it.
"No, it's not," I told her, "but I'm being honest." I stood and moved to the window, needing distance from her while I wrestled with emotions that threatened to overwhelm my self-control.
"I just think it makes more sense." My logical mind kicked in.
"You'll save fifty grand on the procedure alone.
" Now it boiled down to numbers, not her skin under my fingers or the feeling I got when I sank into her depths.
"And you'll have emotional support during the pregnancy. "
"And afterward, when there is a crying infant—you know, the one I want…" She moved closer to me, and I felt the air ripen with the chemistry that always bloomed when she was around me. "Are you saying you want a child too?"
It felt like lava had been poured on my face and chest, a heat so hot I almost fanned myself.
"I'm saying, you want a child. I want to give you what you want in a way that saves you money.
" I turned to face her, and she was standing close enough that I could touch her.
"We like having sex. You want a baby. I won't keep sleeping with you if you're pregnant by someone else. It's just—"
"I accept your offer."
The words stopped me cold, relief and triumph and terror all crashing through my chest in tandem. I hardly dared to believe I'd heard correctly.
It wasn't the blissful feeling I felt when Viktoria announced she was pregnant.
It was mangled and conflicted and somewhat confusing. I needed to hear her say it again, or I would doubt this conversation even happened.
"You accept?"
"With conditions. We keep the nature of the baby's conception completely private at work.
As far as anyone at Cross Capital knows, I got pregnant through IVF and chose to raise the child as a single mother.
" Her expression was serious, and I could tell she'd been thinking this over.
"The baby's parentage stays between us."
I nodded, though the secrecy was a given, all things considered. Still, the knowledge that she'd said yes, that she'd chosen me over anonymous donors, made my heart explode.
I had to physically restrain myself from kissing her.
"Agreed. Complete discretion about the father's identity."
She lifted her hand and picked at a piece of lint on my jacket. "So, we're really doing this? Trying for a baby together?"
"We're doing this." The acknowledgement felt ironic, planning a life-altering event with someone who had no legal ties to me.
This wasn't practical.
It was emotional and complicated and dangerous to every boundary we'd tried to maintain.
But I couldn't examine it too closely without risking the fragile agreement we'd just reached.
She smiled then, the first genuine warmth I'd seen from her since this weekend's confrontation. "Then I guess we should seal the deal properly," she said, and I agreed.
The windows were still shuttered by blinds, and this beautiful, amazing woman just agreed to have my baby, as odd and complicated as that was. And I’d spent all morning agonizing over how foolish I'd been to demand it. Of course I wanted to kiss her.
I didn’t hesitate to lean down and press my lips to hers gently. "You're sure?" I asked.
"Positive," she whispered. "We can start tonight if you want."
A hungry growl rose up from my belly as I thought again of her beneath me, this time with a large belly swollen with new life, and it made my dick start to swell.
Unfortunately, it was interrupted by my phone ringing.
"I need to take this," I said, gesturing for Tessa to step back. She gave me some space and followed me back across the room where I picked up my phone and answered. Before I got a word out, the nasal and shrill tone of my ex-wife was already barking at me.
"Lucian." Viktoria's voice was sharp with fury. "We need to talk. Now."
"I'm in the middle of—"
"Someone saw you leaving that woman's apartment building last night. Photos are already circulating among certain social circles." Her tone was nothing short of venomous. "This ends today, or I make those photos public."
I swallowed hard and pressed my eyes closed so I didn't have to look at Tessa's beautiful face.
Viktoria was crossing lines, and I was sick of it.
Our arrangement would never work out if I didn't put an end to this nonsense.