21. Sophia
21
SOPHIA
M y stomach felt like I had swallowed acid. I had already thrown up three times this morning and here I was kneeling on the bathroom floor vomiting more of my lunch. Today was exceptionally bad after having an omelet with salsa on it for breakfast. I should've known better since I had already learned that anything with tomatoes made my morning sickness flare up, but I tried it hoping my body would react differently to salsa than it did to pasta sauce.
I managed to make it through morning rounds without anyone catching on that I was feeling sick, but when Jack saw me feeling queasy just before lunch, he sent me home with orders to rest and when no one was looking, a promise to stop by later. He told me I was overworked and stressed. I had no idea how to tell him I was pregnant.
After hearing how much of a mess his ex-wife was making things for him with his daughter, I knew now wasn't the right time to tell him about the baby. He didn't need another reason to fear Leah could be taken from him, though at some point, I really did have to tell him. Now I had this massive secret to juggle on my own while also trying to figure out how to inform my parents of my relationship with my boss, which would lead to my being reassigned.
If Jack wasn't in my life, I'd have just done what Andrew told me to and gone along with Mom and Dad. The pressure was too much. I knew my father only wanted what was best for me, and it was definitely in my best interests if I kept him happy, considering how much money he'd poured into my education and raising me.
Still, now that I was pregnant with Jack's baby, there was no way in hell I was moving to Maryland. I'd found happiness—despite the horrible morning sickness—that I knew I'd never find again with anyone else. Jack and I were on the same page in so many ways, and while I still feared my parents' reaction, I feared losing Jack even more. I didn't know how he'd react if I told him I couldn't go to HR. If he was irrational and too afraid of losing Leah, he might dump me.
I heard keys jingling, and then the lock on the front door clicked and I heard the hinges squeak. For a moment, I was unnerved, wondering who was walking into my apartment, but I started throwing up more and quickly forgot about it. I knew the landlord and my parents both had a key to the door, so it had to be one of them, though I didn't know why the landlord would be coming in.
When I heard my mom's soft humming I knew it was her, and I started crying. The last thing I needed was for her to see me throwing up and question it. I'd hidden it from everyone so well for the past few weeks, I thought I could keep up the charade a bit longer. But when Mom called my name softly, I started to panic, which only made the vomiting worse.
"Sophia?" she called a second time, but I was in no shape to respond. When she figured out where I was, the bathroom door swung open and she hurried to my side, holding my hair back. "Oh, Sophia… This isn't good," she said, fawning over me. Mom always did care when I was sick. She was about as nurturing as they came, doting on us and allowing us to skip school and cuddle with her. She'd even take off work to be there for us.
"Mom," I grunted, holding my hand out. She pushed a wad of toilet tissue into my palm, and I wiped my mouth and nose as she flushed the toilet.
"My heavens, that hospital needs to step up their game. Look at you so sick. I swear they have such bad records of employee sickness." She unraveled more length of toilet tissue, and I took it from her and blew my nose and sat back.
Last week's dinner had been very tense without Thomas there. He'd gone to a concert with his new fiancée. Maylin was absorbed in a new class already, talkative with Mom about how things were going, and before dinner, Andrew encouraged me to just go along with Dad's plan. Dad, however, hadn't said a word to me. We sat in ultimate silence, other than how he made wry comments about Twin Peaks in the news for a sudden surge of flu cases which the reports said had been spread by lack of sanitation.
I knew the story firsthand and tried to rebut his claims, but he was a stalwart. What really happened was an outbreak of the bird flu in a nearby elementary school and all the students whose bodies were struggling to fight it came to Twin Peaks. The newspapers would say anything to discredit medical officials and scare potential future patients. Fearmongers loved to incite fear.
"Mom, it wasn't the hospital.” I blew my nose again and stood up, tossing the soiled tissue into the trash.
"Yes, well, dear, the news said?—"
"Mom, can we drop it?" I helped her to her feet while she scowled at me. She and Dad would say anything they could to sway my opinion of Twin Peaks Memorial and my coworkers. They wanted me to look down on it as a valid means of education, even if it made me look down on myself at the same time.
"I just think you wouldn't be sick if they took better precautions. Now come lie down on the couch." I followed her into the living room, finally feeling a little better. There was so much on my mind lately that it was hard to think about cleaning my apartment. Plus, I'd spent so much time at Jack's place, I had barely come home. This was more of a pitstop than a home now.
"Mom, why are you here?" As I flopped onto the clothes-covered sofa, I noticed the stack of boxes she'd carried in and I knew it meant one thing. I'd have come home from work with a lot of my apartment packed up as if I were ready to move. Mom picked up one of the boxes and folded it open, then weaved the bottom flaps together so it was shut. She started shoving my couch throw pillows into it.
"I'm helping you get packed up, Sophia." She said it so matter-of-factly that it left no room for me to have an opinion or protest, but I definitely had opinions. "We just have to pick the right apartment. Your father has all the leases ready to go. There are so many good choices."
As she prattled about apartment choices, location within the city and distance to work, I grew angrier and angrier. And I was glad I had already thrown up all my stomach contents or I'd have tossed my cookies again right there.
"And the last option is across from the lake, and you won't believe the?—"
"Enough!" I'd never shouted at my mother, never raised my voice in her presence or Dad's. I was taught to be more respectful and quiet, but I'd had enough. "I'm not moving." I stood up and shook my head, shoving my hands into my scrubs pocket. "I'm staying at Twin Peaks."
"Dear, you don't mean that. Your father has gone to all the trouble of?—"
"I said no, Mom." I was standing my ground and I wasn't going to back down this time. Mom seemed to get the point and her shoulders fell. "I want to make it on my own, Mom. I want to do things for myself, not because Dad opened doors for me or sought favors. I just want you to believe in me." The fatigue I'd been dealing with started to get to me and I felt lightheaded. I sat down on the couch, and she joined me.
"Sophia, you're making your own life too hard. We don't want you to have to struggle the way we did." She took my hand and squeezed it, and I felt the urge to pull it away in haste, but I didn’t.
"The struggle is part of what made you as determined as you are. I think I deserve to have that choice for myself." My bottom lip quivered and I wanted to cry, but I blinked back the tears. Mom didn't need to see me emotional. She needed to see me being bold and independent.
"Oh, your father's not going to like this at all." Her head hung, but she sighed. "I'll go. I'm sorry. Do you want me to bring you anything?"
It was sweet that she still cared and wanted to take care of me. "No, Mom. I just want to rest." What I really wanted was for her to get out of my place before Jack came by because I didn't need that conflict too. I already had too much weight on my shoulders.
"Alright. I'll call to check on you before bed." Mom stood and kissed my forehead then left my house, but she left the boxes with me.
The days of my parents controlling my decisions were over. I had to stand my ground. I was going to have Jack's baby, and I couldn’t just up and leave town and not tell him. Not if I ever wanted him to look at me again.