4. Ethan
4
ETHAN
E leven months later…
"I'm surprised to hear you’re leaving St. Anne's. Is there a reason you're not happy there?" The dark-haired man with thick-rimmed glasses pored over my resume. I sat across the small square table in the common area of Mountain View Hospital's HR department for the interview. I'd already prepared an answer for this question, though it wasn’t entirely true.
"I'm happy enough with St. Anne's, but I’m looking to make career moves that aren't available there at the current time." The truth was, walking through those halls and sitting in that on-call room one night a week were eating away at me.
When Lily stormed out after being fired, I figured she'd stop by my place to talk, or maybe we'd connect in a phone conversation and she'd give me a chance to apologize for being so cold toward her. I felt awful. I punished myself for days, then got angry with her for weeks when she ghosted me. But when a few months had gone by, all that anger resolved into disbelief and eventually, depression. I didn't want to keep walking the same hallways she and I had walked together when I thought we were happy. I couldn't.
"That's an honest explanation. Well, here at Mountain View, we are growing exponentially every month, with opportunities to advance opening up monthly as well." He looked up at me and slid his thick glasses off his face, folded them and laid them in front of himself, then smiled. "I'd like to offer you the position of chief diagnostic physician. It comes with your own parking space in the employee lot, four weeks of paid time off, full healthcare coverage, and a few other perks. We can discuss salary later this week if you're interested."
It was a satisfying feeling to be invited for such a prominent position. I felt honored and at the same time melancholy. Leaving St. Anne's was the best thing I could do, both because of how it strategically helped my career and because staying meant being bombarded by memories of Lily which distracted me from doing my best work. But it meant leaving behind a part of my heart I knew I’d never get back. I wouldn't get it back if I stayed there either, but part of me still enjoyed the nostalgia of those memories.
I reached across the table and extended my hand, and the man shook it. "I am deeply honored to accept your offer." His grip was firm and decisive. He knew he wasn't making a mistake, but part of me wondered if I might be. Changing things in my life after Lily without closure for that relationship felt like I was betraying her, even though she was the one who left abruptly without any explanation. Eleven months later, and I still knew nothing, only that she was angry and hurt.
"I'm so glad." The man let my hand go and stood. He collected his files and stacked them as I rose with him. "We can get something set up with Tina for later this week. You and I will have some salary negotiations with the board—don't worry, they're very generous. Once I show them your CV, they will open their purse strings liberally. And when that's over, Tina can do your onboarding and make sure you're introduced to your team."
Going from the position of attending physician who dabbled in diagnostics to the chief of diagnostics was a huge step. But it was one for which I was ready. I'd been preparing for years, learning the skills and studying constantly to stay ahead of the medical game. It was a bold move but it had to be done. I couldn’t sit around and wallow in self-pity anymore. I had to move forward, even if my heart wasn't ready to move on in a new relationship.
"I'll wait to hear from you, then. It was nice meeting you. I look forward to getting started here at Mountain View." I shook his hand again before exchanging goodbyes, and then I was off. This late in the evening, the gang from St. Anne's would be at the pub for drinks. I was grateful to the team at Mountain View for scheduling this second-round interview later. Despite having already announced my desire to move on, the team at St. Anne's and my patients there still needed me.
I left the hospital and climbed in my car. Now with only two weeks left to work where I was, it meant saying farewell to some of the best coworkers in the world. It also meant answering some tough questions from them. Tonight when I told them I'd be taking the job at Mountain View, it would mean feeling like part of me would be displaced for a while until I found my footing in my new position.
Wrestling with the past and how things went down with Lily wasn't easy, either. My probation had been lifted five months ago, but even with the return to normalcy, it wasn’t normal. My lunches were lonely now, my evenings quiet and empty. I fell into a depressive lull in life and even stopped working out. I did pick up a drinking habit I wasn't proud of and a few extra pounds around the middle that I had later worked off by punishing my body through hard exercise.
But nothing would bring her back to me. I had been foolish and thought protecting my career was better than standing up for our love, and it had gone horribly wrong. I had basked in self-loathing so long it had become my new identity, pushing myself to be better and do better, but with this change in jobs, that would change too. I might not start dating again, but I had to get over it and focus on my future. Otherwise, I'd end up dying a lonely hermit who never progressed past general physician.
The lot was full so I had to park on the street. Before I was even in the building, a few nurses joined me on the walk. One of them had been making eyes at me for months now, flirting a little. But I'd been rejecting her advances on account of our being coworkers.
"Hey, Dr. Matthews." Her cheery smile should have smoothed some of my rough edges, but my ambivalence prevailed.
"Uh, hi, Casey." I held the door open as her two friends entered first. She followed them, but she hesitated by the door as if she were waiting on me.
"You seem a bit down. Everything okay?" Her question met me as I stepped into the dim pub. It was packed already, with only a few bar stools available, which I preferred over a table or booth. At least at the bar, you could feign ignorance when someone sat down next to you and you didn't want to talk. It didn't appear it was going to be that easy with her, though. She nearly clung to me as I stalked over and planted myself on an empty stool.
I should have been thrilled, on cloud nine even. The job was a huge promotion, and it would come with a substantial rise in pay too. I'd sought it out because that was what I needed. But I felt less excited about it than I should have been.
"Actually, I just accepted a job offer." I raised my hand in the general direction of the bartender, who was quite busy. He nodded at me, acknowledging he'd seen me, and then he kept filling orders. I didn't need to tell him what I wanted. He knew me too well now. I'd become a regular since Lily left.
There was her name again. Always on the tip of my tongue, in the back of my mind. I wondered when I would ever get over her and let my heart start to forget how incredible I had it before I screwed things up.
Casey wedged herself between my barstool and the one next to me which was occupied by another man. I'd seen him around but didn't know him personally. Casey seemed completely unaware that she might be encroaching on his territory and bothering him.
"New job? Where at?" Her elbow slid across the bar, and she rested her head on the heel of her palm. Soft blonde curls drooped from her head. She was cute, a bit older than Lily, but attractive. Still, I had no interest in her or any other woman. My heart still belonged to Lily even if she didn’t want it. I doubted that would change any time soon.
"Mountain View… I'll be the chief diagnostic physician…" The title would have drawn awe from any of my doctor colleagues, but Casey shrugged it off and flipped her hair over her shoulder nonchalantly.
"So you won't be working at St. Anne's? That's sad…" Her bottom lip pouted out, then instantly retreated as she smiled. "That means we won't be coworkers anymore." Her fingers walked up my bicep, and then she traced a line back down to my elbow where she let her hand drape across my exposed skin.
"I guess not…" I replied, and the bartender set my glass of beer in front of me. A few of these and I'd be feeling fine. Not fine enough to forget how badly my heart had been trashed and hook up with Casey, but fine enough.
"Ethan, you and I could finally go on that date. You know I've been waiting around." She flashed a bright smile at me, dazzling baby blue eyes, a dimple on her left cheek. I'd have taken the bait for sure a few years ago. She was smart and gorgeous, but she wasn't Lily. "The non-frat rules won't apply anymore."
I sighed into my beer and took another swig. Letting people down easy wasn’t my strong suit. It was the reason I'd found myself attached to Lily in the first place. I cared how people felt and it got me into trouble, but this time, setting a personal boundary was a must. It didn’t matter that Lily was gone. I still loved her.
"I'm sorry, Casey." I turned to see the disappointment creeping into her expression as it had done every single time she'd asked me out and I’d said no. "The truth is, I'm still hung up on someone and I'm not sure when I'm going to get over that. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve a man who can give you his full attention. With the new job, I'll be on a learning curve for months with little to no free time. And even in my free time, I'll be thinking of the one who got away."
I expected her to be angry or frustrated with me, but her smile never faded. She squeezed my elbow gently and pressed her lips into a line before saying, "I totally understand." When she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, it felt like a friendly gesture, not a move of seduction. "Just know that I'm interested and when you feel like you're ready to move on, I hope you'll consider giving me a shot."
It was a very mature response to my rejection, and it made the weight melt off my chest. I nodded at her and brought my beer glass back to my lips. Who'd have thought I'd be the type of man who turned gorgeous women away because I was still in love with someone who clearly didn’t want me? But I couldn't drag any part of my life at St. Anne's into my future. If I did, there was no point in moving on at all. Lily would follow me everywhere. Cutting all ties was the only way.
And it hurt like hell…