13. Lily
13
LILY
M y shoulders were tense and my stomach raw. For three very torturous days, I'd listened to Noah wheezing nonstop. I took a day off work to watch how Mom interacted with him and make sure she could handle his rowdiness, but even in his play time, he was stunted. The lower activity level was an obvious sign that something was wrong. I knew in my heart that the hernia was recurring and he would need another risky surgery, and I was scared stiff.
He sat on my lap in the waiting room with Mom to my right and Dad to my left. The nurse would come to call us back any second for his appointment. We'd rushed the CT and MRI through and today was results day. I was doubly nervous, too. Not only were we going to find out if this was the CDH returning which would require surgery, but we were only one floor away from where Ethan worked every single day. Dr. Butler insisted on seeing us here, and with the stakes so high, I couldn't really refuse. I needed these results.
"It's going to be fine, dear. You know yourself that Dr. Butler is the best pediatrician in the city. We have the best specialists here, and he's been through this once before." Mom's words were an attempt to encourage me, but no sane mother would walk into an appointment like this without some sort of uneasiness or concern.
Being that I had the medical knowledge to know all the risks and exactly how bad it could be for my little boy, I had more nerves than most. I couldn't shut off my doctor brain in this situation any more than I could shut off my mom brain when I was treating patients as young as Noah. My heart was tangled up and overwhelmed, and I wanted it all to be over. Besides the fact that the guilt I now lived under knowing Ethan's parents were aging and probably wanting grandchildren didn't help.
"Dr. Carter…" I looked up to see the nurse standing with her clipboard in hand and a soft smile on her face. I had already asked Mom and Dad to wait for me here. I loved that they wanted to be involved, but this was something I needed to do on my own. I didn't want their worries or questions to make me forget anything I needed to ask or learn.
"Let's go, Noah," I said, setting him on the floor. He seemed so tiny to me now, like a baby, not the four-year-old toddler he was.
He looked up at the nurse with doe eyes and clung to my leg. Someone must have told them he was afraid. No one I'd seen today so far had lab coats on, which was a relief, but he still seemed to know where we were.
"It's okay, buddy." Dad nudged him, and he whimpered, so I picked him up.
"I'll be back…" Mom patted my shoulder as I walked toward the door and followed the nurse into the long hallway. She led us to an exam room near the back with a large television screen doubling as the computer monitor. Noah’s CT and MRI results were there, and I didn’t need a radiologist to read them and give me the results. I was trained to do it myself.
The large mass inside his chest cavity, which was causing him to wheeze and be unable to take a deep breath, was his stomach and part of his large intestine. The hernia allowed his lower organs to push up through his diaphragm, causing him discomfort and constricting his lungs and heart. It wasn't good at all.
I sat him on the exam table and stayed by his side with an arm around his waist while the nurse took his temperature and blood pressure. Her slight scowl at the blood pressure reading wasn't encouraging, either.
"Dr. Butler will be here in just a second, Noah. We know how difficult it is for him, Lily, and we're going to make this as quick as possible." She smiled warmly and ducked out. I thought we'd be waiting a few minutes, but Dr. Butler walked right in as she left and he shut the door. He sat on his stool and flopped his file open on the counter.
"Well, Dr. Carter, I'm not surprised given the symptoms you indicated he was having. I'm glad we got the CT done when we did. It obviously shows his hernia has returned. The diaphragm is having a hard time growing with his body as he matures due to the scar tissue. He will eventually need surgery again and?—"
"Eventually?" I asked, now clinging to Noah as if he might fall off the table at any moment. I was definitely more scared than him at this point. Eventually didn’t sound like the right diagnosis. Noah’s body was clearly struggling, and even though I didn't want him to have to endure surgery, I felt it was necessary soon, not eventually .
"Yes, eventually." Dr. Butler turned and grabbed a remote off the counter and pointed it at the screen. He pushed a few buttons, and a more detailed view came on the screen. "You see, his heart is struggling a little to keep up with the demands his body is placing on it. His pulse rate is a little too high, and his blood pressure is high too. We need to control these two things well before I would consider him safe for surgery." He turned to me, and I scowled. “He has to be able to handle the anesthesia and wake up.”
As a good doctor, I would definitely agree, but as a mother, I worried that the condition would only worsen and start to bring him pain or worse, stop his breathing. Medications could control the issues that Noah was having, but nothing would stop the hernia from getting worse except to sew it shut.
"So, how high is his blood pressure?" I asked. None of this made me happy at all. I didn’t want to be here, and being alone made it worse. I should have told Ethan. He should be here to help me make these decisions. As a surgeon and a diagnostic physician, he knew far more than I did. Besides, he was Noah’s father.
"Not horrible, but not normal. It's running 130/90. For a child this young, it's dangerous long term, but controllable. I say we put him on some beta blockers to help the heart and the blood pressure, then we recheck in a few weeks' time, see how he's faring." Dr. Butler was a good doctor, and I trusted him. I just wished we could do something sooner. Every minute the hernia was present was a minute he was at risk for lung collapse or even an obstructed bowel. He already wasn't eating well.
"You're sure we can’t move faster?" I knew the answer before I asked the question. I just couldn’t give up hope that this would be more like ripping off a bandage and less like finding a needle in a haystack.
"I'm sure, Lily. We have to do this the right way or we risk worse things happening. Okay?” Dr. Butler tried to smile at me, but I was too discouraged to return it. “Let's get him on some medications and monitor him. Keep his activity level down, and in two weeks, we'll see how the meds are working. If the BP is controlled, we'll schedule surgery."
I reluctantly accepted his advice and the prescriptions and returned to my parents in the waiting room. They listened anxiously as I gave them Dr. Butler's advice, and they tried to comfort me. Noah, on the other hand, had sailed through this appointment without fear. Thanks to Dr. Butler's staff and their kindness to shed the white coats, he never even cried. I was proud of him and promised him ice cream for dessert tonight if he took a good nap for Nana.
With Mom and Dad escorting Noah toward the elevator, I turned and headed up the hallway toward my office to get my tablet and return to my day's work. I no more than heard the elevator door ding when Ethan rounded the corner from the opposite direction and almost bumped into me. He apologized, and I nervously glanced at the elevators to see the doors closing on Mom, Dad, and Noah.
"Uh, hey…" I mumbled, turning back to him. "What's up?"
Ethan looked at the elevator suspiciously, but my guilty little secret was gone, hidden from his eyes now. "I just stopped down here to see if you wanted to meet me for dinner somewhere…" His eyes searched my expression, but after that incident at the bar last week, I knew I couldn't just open up and tell him. He'd called, but I never answered. He'd texted, but I gave him stunted replies.
My focus had to be on getting Noah healthy first. It wouldn’t be good for him or me if I divulged the secret now in the middle of this mess. Ethan had to wait until after Noah's surgery, even if that meant a few months. Even if it meant I lost him.
"I can't," I blurted out, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. He took me by the elbow and pulled me into an empty patient room and shut the door. When he pulled the curtain around us so we were hidden from the view of the window, I knew I was in trouble.
"What's going on with you? We had such a great time. You left a note saying you wanted to do it again, and now every time I make an attempt to reach out to you, you shut me down." He didn't sound angry, but he did sound tense. I wanted more than anything to unload my fear and tell him what was going on, but I couldn’t. Not now. I couldn’t have a war with him while I was trying to support my son.
"I can't talk about it. I need space," I blurted out, and I was afraid. What if he'd seen Noah? What if he was asking different questions? This was hitting too close to home too quickly, and I felt panic rising. I tried to step around him, but he hooked an arm around my stomach and I snapped. "Stop it. Just stop trying to control me."
"Hey, whoa. I love you, Lily." Ethan tried to calm me, but I was inconsolable. I knew if he saw Noah, things would be ten times worse.
"Love me? Why didn't you stand up for me five years ago, then?" I let the words come barreling out of my mouth, but I didn’t mean them. Though I'd never gotten the chance to really confront him, I accepted his genuine apology the other day and I meant it. I just had no other reason to explain why I felt so cagey.
"Lily, what's going on? What happened?" He didn't understand and he wouldn't. I just needed to get away from him and cry. Getting the news from Dr. Butler was bad enough, but this was only adding insult to injury.
"Just leave me alone," I grumbled, but Ethan pulled his old trick again, stopping me, kissing me. The way he did at the bar the other night. He wanted so badly for our former connection to ignite and us to click again, and I put up a wall. But this time, I was weak. This time, it came on the heels of bad news from the pediatrician. This time, I melted into him the way I always used to.
Ethan deepened the kiss, and it took my breath away. I needed his comfort so badly and he didn't even know it. I let him own me for the moment, resting my hands on his shoulders and kissing him back. It felt like no time had passed, like we were always meant to be here doing this. I wanted this, needed this. So I gave in and tangled my fingers in his hair and tried to forget we were at work and that this was against hospital policy, or that we had a child together whom I had kept secret.
I whimpered, and he read me like a book, scooping me up behind the thighs and setting me on the edge of the empty patient bed. The mattress was too firm, but we wouldn’t be sleeping.
He started to peel my scrubs off, kissing my collar bone, and I felt a thrill race down my spine. With practiced ease, he removed my bra and the fabric puddled on the floor. "We should stop," I panted, not meaning it.
"No, we shouldn't," he growled against my skin as he teased my nipples with his teeth and I whimpered again, arching into him. "I want you so bad." Ethan’s hands worked miracles on my curves, eliciting moans and whimpers of pleasure. He massaged my clit, and I opened myself to receive it.
"Ethan," I moaned as he teased my core, coaxing out my wetness before he plunged his fingers deep inside me. I leaned back on my elbows, gripping the sheets with white-knuckled hands. Heat pooled between my legs, and I couldn't stop the moans that escaped my lips.
"You're so wet," he purred, and I blushed deep but didn't deny it. "I've missed you."
"I missed you too," I panted as he stroked me, curling his fingers just so. I arched my back, trying to get closer, needing more. While he worked my pussy with one hand, he undid the tie on his scrubs with the other then pulled his hard length out and stroked it.
“Like we used to?” he asked, and I nodded, biting my lip.
He didn't make me wait long. Ethan pushed my thighs wider and thrust into me in one smooth move, filling me to the hilt. We both moaned at the contact, our bodies rejoining as if they had been apart for far too long. He began to move, and I matched his pace as if we had never been apart all these years. I bit my lip, wanting to stay quiet, but I was never good at that during sex and the pleasure was too much.
When my moans and whimpers got too loud, he covered my mouth with his and I let him swallow the groans and the way I called his name. His thrusts were deep and primal, claiming me like he always did. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pushed deeper, provoking a loud whimper from me. "Shh," he murmured against my ear, picking up the pace. I clamped my thighs tighter around his waist as the pressure built between my legs.
"I'm almost there," I panted, clutching at the sheets as the orgasm barreled toward me like a freight train.
"Me too," he said, his voice strained. His movements became more urgent, driving me over the edge as I whimpered and my body spasmed around him. He slowed, letting me enjoy the convulsions before pulling out and gripping his cock hard. His dick spat the seed out, and he leaned forward, making sure it dripped to the floor, not all over his scrubs or mine. I collapsed onto the bed, heaving.
I knew this was only leading him on. He was confessing his love to me, telling me how he wanted to make this work and try again. I was lying to him and keeping a secret that would destroy his heart and ruin any chance I had. I hated it, but I loved him still, and more than ever, I needed him by my side. I didn't want to ruin the budding relationship, not so soon. Not when it felt so good to be loved again.
He offered me a hand and I sat up. "We should leave separately. Don't want to get caught…" He leaned down and kissed me roughly. "Dinner at my place tomorrow?"
I nodded numbly, but I didn't know if I'd go through with it. I felt too guilty. He smiled and tucked his dick away, then handed me my clothes and used a paper towel to wipe up the floor. The room would have to be sterilized again before a patient came in here, which meant one of us would have to have a good reason for why we were asking the orderlies to clean what should have been a clean room.
It was what was on my mind when he kissed my cheek and said goodbye, then vanished. At this point, I was my own worst enemy and I couldn't even fight myself. Ethan Matthews was off limits to my heart, or he should have been. Having hidden this secret meant my love was nothing but a Trojan horse to his love. I’d infiltrate and destroy, and it wouldn't even matter that my desire for him and affection were genuine. I had ruined any chance for a future with him with the choices and mistakes I'd made in the past.
None of this should have been happening, and if I didn’t put a stop to it, it was going to snowball out of control and like a ticking time bomb, it would explode in my face and hurt us both. I had to stop that from happening, but first, I had to have control of myself and my desire for him.