15. Lily
15
LILY
N oah curled into my side and coughed again, a coughing fit that worried me. I'd already been on the phone to his pediatrician twice this morning for suggestions as to what to do, but Dr. Butler's advice was to have Noah rest. It had only been a few days since he ordered the medications, and while Noah's blood pressure issue was under control, his wheezing was getting worse.
"Mommy, I not feel good." His little face was pale, but Dr. Butler insisted we needed a bit more time for the medication to work. He was already researching surgeons and looking for the best specialist for Noah. With my health care plan, the hospital would practically pay for everything anyway. All I cared about was having my son happy and healthy, which right now, he was definitely neither of those two things.
"I know, baby. Mommy called the doctor, okay? We're going to help you feel better really soon." The timeline for his surgery had been moved up from two weeks to as soon as possible. If Noah's wheezing got worse, we could end up with an emergency situation. I was tempted just to take him to the emergency room at St Anne's anyway to get a second opinion.
"When can I feel better? I want to jump on Nana's champoline." The comical way he mixed up the words made me smile.
"It's called a trampoline, buddy, and really, really soon, okay?" I brushed the hair out of his eyes and noticed he was moist with sweat, a symptom of how hard his body was working. My gut told me to take him in, but I wanted to trust Dr. Butler's expertise.
My phone buzzed, and I unlocked it again. Ethan had been texting me casually while he worked. He knew I was off today for personal reasons, and he seemed concerned about me, though I had told him a number of times that I wasn't sick.
Ethan 10:48 AM: I could bring you some soup at lunch time if you want.
It was sweet of him to offer, but we had already eaten an early lunch because Noah was hungry. He hadn’t even eaten breakfast because of his tummy hurting, so I made him a grilled cheese and we'd only just finished and cleaned up. I'd been reading him picture books for a few minutes.
Lily 10:48 AM: I'm fine, really. I told you I just took a personal day to deal with something. Thank you, though.
I went back to reading to Noah, who looked annoyed at me for taking a break from the book to respond to Ethan. With my phone in my lap, Noah curled up next to me holding the book I read to him about shapes and colors. I saw two more messages from Ethan but ignored them because I noticed Noah getting tired. Sleeping was the best thing for him right now because if he was sleeping, he wasn't aware of his own suffering, nor was he jumping around or worsening the condition.
"You getting sleepy, buddy?" I asked, and he shook his head defiantly.
"I not tired. You read the book to me." He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, and I set the book aside.
"I know you think you're not tired, but I see sleepy eyes." I scooped him up and grabbed my phone, and we headed upstairs to the bedroom. I'd been letting him sleep in my bed with me ever since we moved back in with Mom and Dad because I'd been worried about him. I didn't know how I'd fare when I finally got my own place and he wanted to sleep in his own bed.
"Nana said ice cream for supper." He scrunched his nose and patted my cheek, and I took his glasses off him and set him on the side of the bed.
"Nana is silly. You need to eat healthy food first." I winked at him. "Need to potty first?" I asked, and he scowled.
"No." Grumpy and frustrated with me, he crawled up onto the pillow and lay down. I took his baby blanket and covered him in it. He'd been attached to it ever since his surgery when it became his security blanket. When the one he used at the time got a hole, I went out and found an identical one and bought five more, just in case something happened to it again. I figured I couldn't be too careful, and by the time he outgrew the need for it, they’d all be used up.
"Want me to cuddle?" I asked, and he turned his back to me, so I lay down in bed next to him quietly while I waited for sleep to claim him. My phone buzzed a few more times. I figured it was all Ethan, waiting for me to respond, but I didn't know if I wanted to respond.
I'd done a lot of thinking about it, mostly at night when I should have been sleeping but I was wide awake with insomnia thanks to the anxiety I'd been having. Ethan was Noah's father, and he had every right to know what was going on. It was selfish of me on the part of both Noah and Ethan to continue skirting the issue and blaming it on the past every time I got flighty and scared he was close to figuring it out.
Yes, we had reconnected, and my God, was it amazing. I wanted to keep it, to savor the way he made me feel so wanted by chasing me and being so perfect—more perfect than ever. But it was only prolonging the torture for me and delaying the fact that my confession would end it. I was letting my own heart get carried away in desiring something that would never happen, and I had to stop. I opened my phone and read Ethan's messages.
Ethan 10:53 AM: I could stop by that bakery you love on Tower Road. Get you some of those scones you like so much.
Ethan 10:55 AM: Or I could bring you coffee? You like the espresso from Margret’s still, right?"
Ethan 11:12 AM: I don't want to sound pushy. I was just hoping for some time with you. Were you still thinking of coming to dinner tonight?
Ethan 11:13 AM: It's okay if not. I just thought we were doing well with rekindling…
That last one got me. He felt it too, the warm intimacy when we were good together, and it wasn't just the sex. We'd had so few interactions outside of work, but when we had, he was showing himself to be the most amazing man on the planet. I, however, was showing myself to be so messed up, up and down, back and forth. Ethan deserved better, and I needed to show him better if I had any chance of convincing him I felt horrible and wanted to undo my past decisions. God knows, he'd shown me already.
Lily 11:24 AM: What are you doing for lunch? I can meet you.
I typed and sent the message and knew he'd reply instantly. I had to get this all off my chest. I originally thought telling him while going through this was going to make it worse for me, but the longer the symptoms Noah was having dragged on, the more I realized not telling Ethan was making it worse, not the other way around. I had to get it off my chest so I didn't worry about it and I could focus on my little boy—our little boy.
Whatever happened, happened. I couldn't change it. I made my choices, and they had consequences, and I knew I had to deal with those consequences now.
Ethan 11:25 AM: I'm going home to put food in the crock pot for dinner and grab a sandwich. Want to meet me there?
My heart skipped a beat. Telling him in public would have been hard enough. Telling him at home where he had the privacy to really blow up and get angry with me scared me. I was nervous, not responding immediately, and my thumbs hovered over the screen, shaking. But if I backed out now, I knew I'd never get the courage up to do it again. I glanced at Noah, whose eyes were shut, and knew it was the best thing for him. Tiny snores came from his slightly parted lips, and part of me broke. He deserved a chance to know his father.
Lily 11:27 AM: I'll be there in twenty.
I slipped from bed and grabbed my keys as I shoved my feet into my sandals. With my phone in my pocket, I jogged down the steps and into the kitchen where Mom sat. She looked up when I walked in.
"Hey, Noah's napping. Do you mind watching him while I run out for an errand? Call me as soon as he wakes up?" With his wheezing getting worse and his complaining of belly pain, I wanted someone watching him round the clock now.
"Of course. Go on," she said, gesturing with her hand. She didn't question what my "errand" was, and I didn't tell her. If I spoke about it, I'd change my mind.
Twenty minutes later, as promised, I was parked in Ethan's driveway, staring up at his house. His car was here too, maybe only for a few minutes before I pulled up. He might be getting lunch or he could be watching out the window, wondering why I was hesitating. My stomach churned, and I felt like I'd throw up, but I forced myself out of the car. My feet carried me to the door, and I shook a little as I rang the bell.
When he opened, he had a smile on his face and he reached for me. I let him pull me in for a hug, and I savored the closeness for those few seconds. I knew once I said what I'd come to say, I wouldn't be so lucky as to enjoy his embrace anymore.
"Ethan, there is something I need to talk to you about." Words were already forming in my thoughts, how I would say it, what I would say. My apology would mean little or nothing, and I doubted that even the fiercest love would be forgiving enough to listen without being angry or hurt. No doubt Ethan cared for me, but after this, we'd be civil with each other and any lasting intimacy we had would be shattered. He'd never trust me again.
"Alright, but I have something to say first." He shut the door and led me by the hand into the kitchen.
There was a smattering of canned goods open but empty on the counter next to the crockpot. A spoon with some sort of sauce on it lay next to them, and on the other side of the island was a stack of papers. Ethan walked right over to the stack of papers and picked them up with a huge grin.
"I know this is really insane and that things are awkward and still not the best between us, but I talked to HR." He turned and walked toward me as my eyebrows rose. "What happened last time can't happen again. We snuck around and we were stupid, and I didn't take care of things properly. This time, before we even start out, I wanted things done correctly so neither of us had regrets or risked our jobs.
“Mom gave me some good advice, and I intend to take it. Lily, real love goes beyond mistakes and failures. Both of us are human and both of us made mistakes before. I want you to know I will love you beyond all of that.”
He handed me the papers, and I saw the title on the top of the first one. It read, Declaration of Relationship for Excusal from Non-Fraternization Policy. My eyes welled up with tears as I looked over the paper which he had already filled in and signed. I glanced through them as the tears started to fall, but I didn't know what to say. This man was offering me everything I wanted, and I was about to break his heart.
"Say something," he urged, but all I could do was cry. This time, I wasn't running away. I had to tell him he had a son.
Heaven help me…