9. Amber
9
AMBER
M y stomach growled as I stared into the cupboards. I had a single box of mac and cheese, which wasn’t enough for everyone. There was a loaf of bread but no deli meat. My fridge was bare too, thanks to Evan asking me to work so many extra hours this week to help him catch up. I should’ve gone to the grocery store, but I was too busy.
The kids played noisily behind me, bickering about a video game again. I felt like just ordering a pizza and calling it a day. I wasn’t going to drag them both out to the store this late in the evening. It was cold and I was tired.
Turning around to see what they were fighting about, I saw Parker with his controller in his hand holding it up over Vera’s head. He had a look of defiance. She struggled to reach it and whined at me.
“Mom, he’s not sharing!”
“She’s trying to kill my person. She stole my diamond armor!”
I massaged the bridge of my nose as Vera snatched the controller and Parker’s fists balled up. The bell rang at the same time though, and Parker raced away from the TV to answer it. Vera plopped down in triumph and started playing the game. She seemed happy as a clam when I walked over toward the door Parker was already swinging wide open.
“Hi,” he said proudly, and I hissed at him.
“Parker, you can’t open the door unless Mommy says so.” I hurried to him and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him away from the door. As I bent low, I saw the shiny shoes on the feet of whomever it was that had run the bell. My eyes traced up the slender legs to the trench coat, and higher up to meet Evan’s gaze.
My heart froze. Panic flooded my system. Parker stood there with a grin on his face, wrapped up in my arms. I stared up at Evan in horror. He had a smile on his face as he looked down at us and then confusion in his eyes when he looked past me at Vera.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had company.”
“Parker,” I said, turning my entire focus on him. “That was very unsafe.” I knew my tone was harsh, but I was upset and flustered. Evan just showing up at my house was a wild card I hadn’t expected. “You never, ever open the door unless I say you can. It could’ve been anyone.”
Parker’s face fell and he said, “I’m sorry, Mommy.” His bottom lip pouted out in a show of remorse. I squeezed him but it did little to soften the blow of my tone. All I could think about was Evan, looming over me. This boy looked exactly like his father, who didn’t know a thing about the situation.
“Go…You and Vera. Wash up for dinner.” I stood slowly and Parker walked off with his head hanging. He met Vera and turned the Xbox off. She protested, but when they both looked up at me again, she saw my face. I gestured at them then turned back to Evan, knowing they would go.
“Why are you here,” I said, and my tone hadn’t changed. The same harsh vibe I’d just given my son was now aimed at his father.
“I’m sorry, Amber. I thought I’d bring dinner and play some games. I got cheeseburgers.” Evan held up a white paper sack. In his other hand he held a deck of cards, which he showed me when I looked down at it. “If it’s a bad time, I can go.”
“Kids need nutritious meals, not junk food.” The way my heart was racing made it physically impossible for me to calm down. Evan had seen Parker. There was such a strong family resemblance, there was no way he wouldn’t guess it. Though, his face didn’t seem to show the faintest trace of curiosity. He looked more concerned and regretful than anything.
“I’ll leave. I’m sorry. I thought it would be nice.” He hung his head. “I know Jacob was there for you a lot. Erin told me. I thought since he’s down and out, maybe I could chip in and help. That’s all.”
I said nothing in response because I didn’t know what to say. He was right. This was something Jacob would have done for me out of the kindness of his heart. He was sweet like that—like my father was. Either of them would have been here in an instant with a meal and games if they knew how tired I was or how exhausting I found being a single parent at times.
Evan turned to walk away, and I looked down at the bag of food in his hand and then his slumped posture. My own fear of him finding out something I never should’ve hidden from him was what made me panic. I knew it was best if I did end up telling him, but how and when I told him, I didn’t want to leave to chance. Jacob had pushed me to reveal the secret enough times, I had actually decided that if I did it, I had to make sure Evan was capable of being a father. What better way to do that than to invite him in and see how he interacted with the twins.
“Evan, wait…” I sighed and he turned slowly. A smile spread across his face.
“I can stay?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t my first choice, but a lot of good could come from it. Needless to say, it only made my anxiety swell when I nodded. But I stepped back and let him in.
Evan set the bag of food on the table and narrowed his eyes in confusion as he shed his coat. I shut and locked the door, then took his coat.
“I’m sorry. I thought you had company.” He rubbed his hands together and looked around the room again.
“What made you think that?” I asked as I hung his coat on the coat tree by the door. He stood several inches taller than me, which most of the time made me drawn to him. Tonight, it made me feel intimidated.
“I swore I saw two children here.” His eyes fixed on my face and I felt the color drain from my cheeks.
“You did…I have twins.” The knot in my throat refused to go down when I swallowed, so I swallowed a second time. Seeing the shock on his face resolve into more confusion only made things worse, especially when the kids rushed out of the bathroom with cheers.
“Yes! You got Burger Barn!” Parker was the first at the table, tearing into the bag of food. Vera trailed behind, more timid than her brother. She hugged me around the waist and looked up at Evan with large curious eyes.
“Vera, this is Mommy’s friend, Evan. Say hi…” As I coaxed, she squinted and pulled away, favoring the table with her twin over my prompts.
Dinner was awkward. Evan sat across from me and Vera and Parker bickered the entire time. She liked pickles; he hated mayo. Evan tried to pick up a conversation with them, but both were avoidant. I didn’t blame them. We never had company and they were both shy. I tried to coax a conversation out of them too, but they just wanted to get back to their games, so they ate as fast as possible.
When we were finished, Evan cleared the trash, and I pulled out the deck of cards he set on the table before we started eating. It was a special deck for kids, which made me smile.
“Mom, can we go play Minecraft now?” Parker’s voice was a whine. I cast him a scowl and he huffed.
“We’re playing a card game with Evan tonight instead.” I started dealing and Vera scooped up her cards one at a time.
“Oh, we play this in class with flash cards. Parker’s no good though.” Her comment was nothing more than a fact, but Parker got upset with her.
“Shut up, Vera,” he hissed. He snatched his cards off the table and glowered at her. I felt embarrassed by the way they were behaving this evening. Jacob would have nipped that in the bud right away. Evan probably didn’t have the first clue what to do with kids. He’d never been married, never even serious about anyone to my knowledge. Kids were a new, uncharted territory for him.
“Why does Parker struggle?” Evan sat down across from me and started collecting his cards and Vera blurted out a truth I winced at.
“He’s dyslexic. He can’t even read.” She turned and stuck her tongue out at her brother and I snapped at her.
“Vera, that was impolite. Say you’re sorry.” This time I didn’t even feel bad for my motherly tone. These two were trying my patience and in front of company to boot.
“Sorry,” she grumbled.
“That’s okay, Park-man.” Evan had a grin on his face and I knew why. “I have that too. And guess what? I get to run a whole company. If you work hard, there’s nothing you can’t do.” Evan beamed me a breathtaking smile. It made my voice catch in my throat.
“You run a whole company?” Parker asked. His eyes went wide and even Vera perked up.
“I do…How do you think I met your mom?” He winked at me again; it was his thing. A thing I liked very much. It made warmth flood my system and I started to relax finally—thirty minutes into our evening.
From there, we really hit it off. Evan was so great with them, even better than Jacob. Parker told him about all the things he was learning in school. Vera recited the poem she’d written last month. Evan let each of them beat him in a few rounds of go fish, and by the time I realized it, it was past 10 p.m. and I was yawning.
“Time for bed, guys. Go brush your teeth and I’ll be in there in a second.”
Both of them protested me for a moment, but Evan pushed them along with a promise to do this again soon. He packed up the cards while I put away the game controllers and shut the TV off. When I met him by the door, he was wearing his coat and looking like he was waiting for me.
The entire night was unexpected, but I had enjoyed it. Evan was as charming as I remembered him, maybe even more so now that he’d developed some maturity.
“Thank you for a great evening,” I told him. I was nervous as I walked over and opened the door. He looked like he wanted to say something to me or ask a question. He’d looked that way all night. I saw the way he studied the kids, but I ignored it. If I got too hung up on the way he was looking at them, I would’ve freaked myself out and blurted out the truth.
“Amber…” he said, his voice lilting at the end. I felt it coming. My cheeks flushed. My breath hitched. I already had a million excuses lined up for him if he asked, because while I would continue to keep the secret the rest of my life, I’d never lie directly to his face. I braced for the blow, but when I heard him suck in a breath I panicked again.
I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around his neck. My fingers curled into his hair and I pulled him down for a kiss. Our lips slid over each other’s, and my tongue slipped into his mouth. He didn’t shy away either. His hands gripped my sides and he deepened the kiss as he pulled me against his body. When he pulled away he grinned.
“Would you have dinner with me again?” he asked, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. “Let me show you that nothing has changed between us and we could be good together.”
I didn’t know what to say once again, so I nodded. I’d been so paranoid that he was going to ask who the kids’ father was, I spent the entire night in a state of fight or flight. Kissing him felt like a lifeline to my normal life. So how could I refuse? He was right, maybe we would be good together.
“Okay,” I said quietly, though my gut was already roiling with regret.
“Perfect…I’ll text you the details.” He nuzzled my nose with his, then kissed me one more time before he let me go.
As soon as the door was shut and locked behind him, I was kicking myself. I was only torturing myself by thinking I could get involved with him and make it work. This was insanity. It would never work. The guilt would devour me from the inside out, and I would be breaking my own heart. Evan would never forgive me when he found out. Chances were it would destroy his relationship with Jacob too, which I knew I couldn’t let happen.
I banged my head against the door a few times before walking away. My own impulse control issues were keeping me tied up in a mess I wanted nothing to do with. I’d fought so hard to keep this secret and it was like my subconscious was telling me it had all been a waste of time. Evan would find out, and my original desire to protect him and let him have the life he wanted would be for nothing.