14. Evan
14
EVAN
E verything was perfect, but when the bell rang, I did a quick last-minute sweep of the house. Not a single thing was out of place. Amber might be impressed, but it was the twins I hoped loved it most.
I already heard their voices coming through the thick metal of my storm door. I took a deep breath to blow away the tension that had been building in my chest all evening and swung the door open to hear them bantering about something called Pokémon and whether Bulbasaur was better than Jigglypuff. I grinned as I said, “Hey, come on in.” Backing up, I stepped aside for them and greeted Amber with a peck on the cheek.
“Wow, it’s cold out there,” she said, stomping her feet. Her eyes swept over my living room, causing her eyebrows to rise. The children were still going back and forth while I soaked in the reaction from their mother. “Evan,” she breathed as I reached up to help slide her coat off her shoulders.
“That is my name…” I chuckled nervously, waiting for her response.
“Your house…” Amber turned to look up at me with something new in her expression. Her eyes were softer; a tiny smile curled the corner of her lip. “You did this for them?”
“For us,” I said. The moment was perfect if not for the kids’ loud chatting that almost sounded like bickering now. Amber stood in a trancelike state while I hung her coat on a hook and clapped my hands. “Alright, no one gets to play my PlayStation if they’re fighting.” Both kids looked up at me with wide eager eyes.
“You have a PlayStation?” Parker was the first to tune in. He tore his hat off and shoved it into his coat pocket, then unzipped his parka and shed it. “What games?”
“Well,” I said, accepting his coat to hang on a hook. I felt Amber’s eyes tracing my movements, but I avoided focusing on her. This wasn’t just a moment for the two of us. That was the reason I’d invited everyone. I wanted to show them all that I was there for them the way Jacob had been. “I have several…Minecraft, Crash Bandicoot, Lego, Fortnite…” Amber’s eyebrows went up at that one, which made me chuckle. “If your mom lets you play. I think we should eat first.”
Vera shrugged out of her coat but left her hat on and shoved the oversized pink puffer coat in my direction. I hung it up for her as they moved into the house exploring a little.
“What did you do?” Amber hissed. She tugged on my shirt sleeve and made me lean down closer to her. I watched Parker and Vera go straight to the bookshelf that had formerly been where my liquor cabinet sat. I had it loaded down with children’s books and board games. There were also a few puzzles and action figures I had in boxes in one of my spare bedrooms from my own childhood.
“I just made it family friendly. The bachelor pad felt too stodgy and unlived in.” I pulled my arm back, causing her fingers to slide up my forearm until our hands were locked together. “Let’s eat. I ordered spaghetti.”
I pulled her toward the dining area separated from the living room by the kitchen island. “Come on, guys. You’re gonna love this.” My call to the children went unheeded until Amber added her own beckon. I worked at setting the table, then poured whole milk into the glasses, served spaghetti with sauce, and placed a slice of garlic bread onto each plate.
“Evan, this is a lot.” Amber sank onto her chair while the kids scrambled onto seats of their own. They started digging in right away as I sat across from Amber. She looked overwhelmed by this, which wasn’t at all my desire. I had hoped she would feel cared for, not put out or outdone.
“Don’t worry. I’m not spoiling them. The pasta is made from vegetables too. They’re getting a balanced meal.” It was a lot, I knew that. I’d spent more than five thousand dollars this week having my house transformed into a family oasis. My old modern furniture just didn’t feel right for a family home. I ordered new comfortable couches and chairs, a new arrangement of shelves and tables—that weren’t glass. Things to entertain children the twins’ age, and even updated my subscriptions on my smart TV to make sure there were safe things for them to watch.
Amber massaged the bridge of her nose and swallowed hard. When her eyes met mine, I saw gratitude, but she said, “I think you’re trying too hard.” Then a smile started to spread across her face.
“Nothing is too much for you and the kids.” I dug in, taking the first heaping bite. Parker watched me suck the spaghetti noodle up into my mouth and laughed at me. Amber must’ve taught him to cut them the right way, and I was being a bad influence, but he enjoyed it.
“So do you play video games?” Parker asked.
“Are you kidding? I beat Spyro twice already. I love gaming.” Engaging with him on this level made his face light up. It was like I was looking into a mirror too, the tiny features on his face that reminded me of my brother so prominent I felt I didn’t even have to ask the question burning in my heart anymore.
“I play too,” Vera said, whining. I could see the intensity in her eyes and figured the rivalry for attention between these two probably mirrored what Jacob and I went through as kids.
“What do you play?” I chewed carefully as I ate each bite and tried to keep the conversation up and positive. It was like Amber faded into the background for a while as I bonded with her children. Part of me felt bad for doing that, but these kids were so adorable.
“I like the Barbie game.” Vera’s chin jutted out as she spoke proudly then took a huge bite of a breadstick, and Parker rolled his eyes. It turned into some bickering which Amber intervened with, and after we each finished a second helping, I nodded at the TV.
“Well, go on. I’ll clean up. You two try to pick something you can play together—no fighting.” I stood slowly and before I was even fully upright, they were gone.
Amber rose with me, collecting plates and silverware. I carried a few things to the sink and started rinsing them. She joined me and we watched the kids sit down in front of the TV as we did dishes.
“This is really special, Evan. Thank you.” I loved how soft and sweet her voice was. The warmer side of her, the nurturing side, was so tender. I could see she was a terrific mother. I felt a bit jealous for a moment, a pinch in my chest that made my temper threaten to flare. Jacob had all of this and he was neglecting it. What a foolish man to play women like this.
Meanwhile, I’d have given anything to have had this life and it be truly mine. Had I not gone off to Europe, this life might have been mine. I’d have settled down, proposed to her. We’d have started a family too. But “what-could’ve-beens” were just wishful thinking that led to regrets.
“Nothing is too much for you, Amber. I told you. I want to be with you, and being with you means them too…” I let her deduce the rest for herself. In my heart, I knew we belonged together. We just clicked too well, had too much in common.
“Stop it!” Parker shouted, and Amber looked up at me with a knowing scowl. I chuckled as she dried her hands and walked off to stop a bickering match. I finished loading the dishwasher and joined them in the living room in time to hear Amber say a board game would be better than video games if they were going to fight, and Vera ran off to the shelf and brought back Candy Land.
The kids were less than enthusiastic, but we pushed the furniture back from the coffee table and sat around it. Amber spread the board out and placed the game pieces on the board. Parker and Vera voted for Amber to go first, so she pulled the first card.
“I got two yellow squares,” she announced. She moved her pink game piece forward to the second yellow square and Vera chose a card next.
She took her turn, then Parker his. I settled into the long game, admiring how Amber interacted with them. Multiple times I noticed how much Parker looked like my brother, but I said nothing. There was no point in bringing up the topic. If Amber was at my house with me playing games with her children, she obviously wasn’t still attached to Jacob. Perhaps that part of their life was over now. Maybe she was ready to move on.
Later, when the kids turned on a movie and started yawning, Amber and I sat at the kitchen table to talk and drink a cup of coffee. I felt exhausted. It was more activity in the evening than I was used to, but Amber looked fresh. She stole glances at them between sips of the hot brew. I adored how she was so attentive to them.
“You are a really great mom,” I told her. She turned to me and smiled.
“You are an incredible man, Evan. You really didn’t have to go to all that trouble.” A soft sigh left her lips. She looked down at her coffee mug, but I used a finger to pull her chin back up.
“I did, though. They’re part of who you are now. When I said I want to be with you, I meant all of you. What we have is special. We can’t ignore that.” I thought of this week at work, how all week every time she was supposed to be in my office, Shelby tagged along. By this afternoon I figured out that Amber probably had asked her to be the third wheel so things didn’t get out of hand. But here it was just me and her.
“I just don’t understand why you’d go to all the trouble. That must’ve cost a small fortune.” Her eyes flicked toward the TV. Parker was lying down now, covered with my couch throw. I was thankful I’d invested in everything they might need in case they stayed late. His shoes were off, piled on the floor next to Vera’s and her eyes were drooping now.
“Because when you love someone, you care for them.” My statement tore her eyes from her children and focused it on me. I reached over and laced my fingers through hers. “They’re falling asleep. Stay the night.”
“Oh…” She was already shaking her head, standing up. “I don’t think I can do that. Not tonight.” Amber was moving now, leaving her cup of coffee to grow cold. I followed her into the living room to see both of her twins sleeping soundly.
“See, they’re already out.” I thought of the spare bedrooms, how if I’d have had more forethought, I’d have prepared them too. “I have blankets and pillows. I bought toothbrushes, and plenty of breakfast food. Just stay.” I reached for her hand and pulled her away from the couch, then I reached for the remote and shut the TV off.
“I don’t know, Evan.” Amber still resisted me. I didn’t know why she was fighting so hard. I didn’t know why she couldn’t see that I cared about her and planned to care for her children too.
“Why don’t you want to stay? Is it because I said I love you?”
Her eyes widened again, but her lips pressed into a firm line and she let her gaze drop. When I pinched her chin and forced her to look up at me, her eyes were brimming with tears. Emotions she just wasn’t sharing with me.
“Because if it is, you don’t have to say it back. I get it if you aren’t there. I just needed you to know how I feel.” My gaze bounced between her eyes and she nodded, blinking back tears.
“Alright,” she whispered. It made my chest puff out with joy and hope. I backed away, keeping her hand gripped in mine, pulling her along behind me.
We left the kitchen light on in case the kids woke up. I covered them each with a blanket, put a pillow under their heads, then retreated into the bedroom. I shut the door and turned to see the most beautiful woman I’d ever met, and she didn’t even know it.
Tonight was about us. I intended to pour every ounce of affection on her that I could muster and pray she accepted it without running away this time.