21. Amber
21
AMBER
S eated at my desk, I looked up at movement in my periphery. I watched Evan rush past the window to my office that opened to the hallway. He looked upset. I’d heard the shouting but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I thought about going in there, but Jacob told me he’d handle it. So I sat there, watching first Evan, then Jacob rush out, and my heart sank.
The whole thing was such a mess now. I had so many chances to tell Evan the truth. I didn’t know what he’d think of me now. He walked in on me and Jacob hugging each other. What would he think of that? What had Jacob told him?
My heart was so tired of the ups and downs of anxiety and sadness. I folded my arms on my desk and rested my forehead on them. Then I heard a door down the hallway slam. It startled me, but I didn’t look up until I heard my office doorknob click and open. Then I looked up, half expecting Jacob to be back with an explanation. It was Shelby, though, with her forehead knit in concern.
“What’s going on?” she asked in a hushed tone as she shut the door behind herself. She walked over to my desk and dragged a chair behind her to sit.
“Well, I’m not sure, but it doesn’t appear to be anything good.” I sighed and used both palms to scrub the frustration off my face along with a few tears I’d shed. “I was talking to Jacob and Evan walked right in. Jacob was offering me a comforting hug and?—”
“Oh God. Evan saw you…” Shelby’s hand covered her mouth. Her eyebrows were high but came together in the center.
“Yeah,” I breathed as I leaned back in my seat. I felt like I was living in one of my mother’s soap operas. There seemed to be so much drama swirling around me I expected to be nominated for an Emmy any day now.
“Oh God, Amber.” Shelby sighed and her hand slowly lowered to her lap with the other. “He thinks you’re…” She didn’t finish her sentence, but her face contorted into worry. The painful look in her eyes felt like a stab to my heart.
“I don’t have a clue what he thinks. All I know is Jacob said he’d handle it. He told me to clear my head and clean myself up. I cried a little…Then I hear shouting and Evan storms off.” My hands gestured of their own accord. For the first time since this whole thing started, I felt anger and not anxiety. I wanted Evan to come to my office and sit down like a rational human to have a conversation, but whatever transpired in Jacob’s office had upset him enough to make him storm out.
“He probably thinks you’re shacking up with Jacob.” Her defeated tone only made me feel worse. If that was true, why hadn’t he just come in here and told me off? I’d have put an end to that thinking right away. There was no one I wanted more than Evan; I’d never do that to him or anyone for that matter.
The idea was laughable. Jacob and me? He’d been like a father figure to me for the past eight years. And I loved Erin like a mother. It was true that I accepted comfort from him, and that he was only a few years older than Evan—I liked mature men. But Jacob was never anything more than a really good friend and mentor. If Evan truly believed that, he didn’t know me at all.
“What will you do?” she asked, inching forward on her seat. Her fingers tugged the hem of her skirt keeping it in place, and I sighed as I met her gaze.
“I was supposed to have dinner with him tonight. We never discussed whose place, so I don’t know. I guess I have to assume my place and just prepare. I’ll make dinner and?—”
“And have him over to discuss that topic while the kids are in earshot?” She cocked her head at me with a disapproving expression. “I’ll bring Parker and Vera to my house. We’ll do a sleepover. You need privacy for that.”
Her simple offer warmed my heart. “Yeah, okay.” I frowned but I felt appreciative. Even with the best friends around me, supportive family members, loved ones, and the most amazing children on the planet, life still had a way of dishing me out the most difficult situations. It felt like one step forward was two steps back. “Thank you.”
“Of course…You just go home. You’ve got too much on your mind to deal with this. I’ll pick them up from school. I probably have a T-shirt Vera can sleep in and Parker can wear something of Nicky’s.” Shelby stood up and walked to my office door. “You call me if you need me. I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
I believed her, so I nodded. But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. Without knowing why Evan had been so upset he rushed out, I had no way of knowing what to expect for this evening.
Guilt riddled me the entire drive home. Leaving work early felt like a mortal sin today, especially since I assumed Jacob would return to give me answers about what happened. I felt horrible for causing problems between them. I hadn’t even told Jacob that Evan and I had been seeing each other. It probably made things even worse between them.
The house felt empty without Vera and Parker and their homework routine. I cleaned everything from top to bottom, put everything in its place. Then I started dinner—homemade Swiss steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy. While I cooked, my mind stayed tormented about telling Evan the truth. I’d told Jacob I would, and I intended to follow through.
If my doctor saw how stressed I was, she’d tell me to stop and lie down and let my heart rate calm. I knew, however, that the only true way to get this monkey off my back was to tell the truth. Dad always said, “Truth is like a lion, you can’t keep it caged.” I never understood it until now. My chest certainly felt like a lion was prowling around, clawing at my insides, demanding to be let go.
When dinner was done, I set the table and kept things warm. It neared six o’clock and I sat down on the end of the couch to wait and pulled out my phone. There were no notifications from him, so I shot him a text.
Amber 5:47 PM: Hey, we still on for dinner? I made Swiss steaks.
I watched it send and heard the swishing noise. The indicator under my messages said “Delivered” and showed the time stamp, but after staring at it for a few minutes it never switched to “Read” so I sent another.
Amber 6:01 PM: I’m keeping things warm for us. I wasn’t sure if you were coming here or I was going there. I can put it away and swing by if you have something ready.
It didn’t escape me that he wasn’t responding, or that after what happened he hadn’t texted about dinner. I assumed by now he’d have shown up or called. I was beginning to think we weren’t going to have dinner, that something happened in Jacob’s office to make Evan upset with me.
My head rested on the back of the couch and I pressed my eyes shut. The only thing worse than the roiling guilt of having kept this secret for far too long was the unknown. My body was on fire from head to toe, but I was shivering. I could smell my own anxiety sweat, which grossed me out. And I thought about calling Jacob to see if he would be able to shed light on the situation when my phone rang.
My head snapped up and I looked down at it, hoping it was Evan, but it was Jacob. His number flashed on my screen, behind it an image of him and Erin on their trip to Las Vegas a few years back. I swiped right to answer.
“Jacob…I’m here.” I took a deep breath and held it as he spoke.
“Amber, we should talk.” He sounded defeated and sad. The room around him was silent. I pictured him slumped behind his desk or resting in his recliner. I thought of his health, how the drama with Evan today probably wasn’t helping his heart when he was supposed to be resting. None of this was.
“What happened?” I chewed the inside of my cheek in lieu of my jacket-tugging habit, as I had no jacket to fuss with. It’d been discarded when I changed into jeans and a sweater to clean. My fingers fumbled with the trendy frayed edge but yanking on it would only misshape it.
“Well, I really hope you’re not angry with me, but I need to apologize. Evan went off on me this afternoon. He accused me of some very hurtful things. They got the better of me and my temper flared. I snapped at him and told him the truth—that the twins belong to him. That he should talk to you.”
A cold shudder swept from my head to my feet and I covered my face with my hand. It wasn’t how I wanted the truth to come out, but at least it was out. I couldn’t be angry with Jacob, though my natural instinct was to be upset. I let out my breath and felt tears burning at my eyelids.
“It’s okay…I take it that was why he stormed out? He’s upset?” If I blamed Jacob for my secret getting out, I was no better than him anyway. I was the one who had sworn him to secrecy, taken his loyalty to his brother and shut it down like he had no right to protect his own family. That was my fault, and something I never should have done.
“I’m sure you’re both upset with me. His comments hurt, but not as much as knowing I’d broken an unwritten code to be faithful to family. You’re both my family, Amber. You know that…But Evan deserved to know.” Jacob’s apologetic tone made me feel even worse.
“You don’t have to apologize,” I told him, standing up. I walked over to the kitchen counter where I had a scented candle burning and blew it out. I turned off the oven and stovetop. There was no point keeping things warm. After that shocking revelation, I understood why Evan wasn’t here or responding. He was hurt and hiding.
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I walked to the bathroom to get some tissue for my nose. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t want you to beat yourself up.” I tore some off and blew my nose, then asked, “Where is he now? I should go to him.” Tossing the tissue in the bin, I walked out of the bathroom and headed for my bedroom. I’d need my parka and sneakers if I was going out, but Jacob’s words froze me in my tracks right outside my bedroom door.
“He’s missing.”
My blood ran cold. “What? I just saw him. You followed him out of the office.”
“He got out of the parking lot before I got to my car. I can’t do much running right now.” Jacob sighed heavily. “He’s shut off his phone. He’s not home, hasn’t gone into R&D. He’s not responding to anyone, and no one knows where he is.”
It wasn’t like him to just vanish or shut his phone off, though the last six weeks had been a whirlwind. What did I know? Jacob would know better than me what Evan’s temperament and habits were. Or maybe he wouldn’t.
“He’ll turn up though, right? I mean, he just needs time to process.” My mind raced with the possibilities. It was a bit snowy when work let out. The roads were a little slick but not horribly so. Was it possible he’d raced off and been in an accident? Had Jacob checked the local ERs?
“Amber, he’s not like this. I’m going to wait until morning, but if he’s not at work or at home, and he doesn’t answer my calls, I’m going to file a missing person’s report.” Jacob’s words scared me. He couldn’t possibly think that Evan was in danger, could he?
“I, uh…I should come over.” I felt scared and too worried to be alone.
“You stay put. I’ll get Erin and we’ll come over. I feel just awful.” He sounded awful too. “We’ll be over soon.”
“Yeah, okay…be safe.” I hung up the call and looked down at my messaging app screen. Both messages said they’d been delivered, neither one said they’d been read. He hadn’t opened them. I tried calling, but Jacob was right. The call went straight to voicemail indicating his phone was off or out of service. Both of those things were normal, not a sign for worry, but if Jacob was concerned so was I.
If something happened to him because he was upset over this, I’d never forgive myself.