20. Rose
20
ROSE
T he apartment was very quiet. Alana went off to work for the day, but I called in sick. I stayed home to sulk, mostly, but I was really nauseous this morning, prompting me to be so emotional, I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
When Alana first walked in on me in the bathroom with those pregnancy tests, I thought I was in for a huge lecture, but she'd turned out to be very understanding. It turned out she had a pregnancy scare a while back that she hadn't told me about. She lost the baby in a miscarriage, but it had rattled her to her core. She put aside her frustration with my risking my job—and her financial security—to comfort me because she knew how it felt to be shocked by that sort of news.
It worked out well for her, despite the emotional pain of losing a baby. She explained how she wasn't ready to be a mother, how the man she slept with was just a loser and they broke it off as soon as she told him. She told me how relieved she was that he just left her because she really thought he wasn't the type of guy to be a good father, then how devastated she was when the baby was gone.
Then she told me how she moved on and realized it was for the best, that she could never have supported a baby. We discussed my options—abortion, adoption, keeping it. I took my time carefully considering each of them. Even now, I was wrestling.
Abortion was off the table immediately. I fully supported other women who made that choice for their lives, but I could never do that. I just didn't think it was right for me. So I lay in bed for hours last night thinking about adoption and how hard it would be to carry this baby to term, then hand it over to someone else. I might not have been ready to be a mother, but I definitely wouldn't survive that.
So after I slept a few hours and woke up to a bad dream about losing my job because someone caught me kissing Cole, I lay and stared at the ceiling thinking about being a mother. I wanted to do something so much better for my children than my mother had done for me, but I was in no financial position to take care of a baby. I barely made ends meet as it was, and I had a great job.
Sighing, I rolled over and picked up my phone. My heart felt like reaching out for something to find comfort and help. Alana had given me great advice, but I just felt restless. She and I had bonded the minute I moved in here, but after weeks of her nagging me about Cole and my job stability, it just didn't feel the same coming from her. I missed my family, especially my mom, and I wanted to hear her voice.
Still, after she'd been surprised to hear that I was dating an older man, she'd been less than enthusiastic. It did take the wind out of my sails. I knew she would be disappointed in my choices and shocked to hear I was pregnant, and I didn't know if I could stand that. At the very least, she'd be worried about me and my future, which really wouldn't be helpful, but I just needed her the way every woman needs their mother.
I dialed her number and put the phone on speaker mode, laying it on the coffee table in front of me. It rang a few times before she picked up, and I could hear a lot of noise in the background.
"Hey, Mom, is now a good time?" I asked, and it was hard to keep the emotion out of my tone.
"Sure, baby, what's wrong?" Just the sound of her voice put me at ease and allowed the emotions I had shoved down to well back up. Tears sprang up to my eyes and I blinked them back.
"Um, I just need to talk to someone and I miss you." I thought of our last conversation and how I was so happy and full of love. She probably thought I was being dramatic or something, but there was no way I could predict this would happen.
"I'm here, baby. What's wrong?"
I paused for a second to make sure I wouldn't start sobbing while I told her, then I took a deep breath and let it out. "Mom, you remember how I told you I'm seeing Cole?"
"Yes, honey… Oh, don’t tell me you broke up." She sounded genuinely disappointed for me, but that was just her mothering heart reaching out to me in compassion. If I told her I broke up with him, she'd lavish me in sympathetic phrases and offers to come comfort me, but deep down, she'd be happy. I knew she didn't like the age difference between us.
"No, Mom. Not yet, anyway." I sighed and pursed my lips, anxious about what she'd say. I had to get this off my chest, though. It was tormenting me.
"Well, what, then? Are you alright?"
"I'm pregnant, Mom…" I swallowed hard and closed my eyes as if by doing so I could block out the emotion I felt and the anxiety rattling me in anticipation of her response.
"I see," she said softly. "And you're sure it's his?"
"Mom!" I hissed, frustrated by that. What sort of woman did she think I was? I wasn't just sleeping with random men just because I moved to the city.
"I'm sorry, dear. That was insensitive…" She sighed. "I'm here to help you, honey. What can I do?"
My heart sank about as low as it had ever been, and I felt like all I wanted to do was sleep. But sleeping wouldn't take away what was happening. The only way out was through. I had to face this head on.
"I'm scared, Mom. I don't know if I can do it." My lip quivered, and I blinked out a few tears.
"Honey, every mom who ever found out they were pregnant thought the same thing. Why don't you come home? Your old room is still available, and I can help you through all of this. You don’t have to do this alone. And I won't pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. You need your mother during this time."
As good as that sounded, I knew I couldn't do that, at least not until I spoke with Cole. If he wanted this baby with me, then that was the only thing I wanted. I wanted him and I wanted it to work out. But there was this niggling fear that he would freak out and be upset with me. It wasn't like I planned this, but what if he thought I had? I hadn't exactly stopped him from fucking me with no protection.
"What about Cole?" I sniffled and wiped my eyes. "What if he's angry? What if he doesn't want me anymore?"
Mom hummed in sympathy, and it made me cry harder. "Rose, you haven't been dating that long. It's not like you can even tell if there is a good enough foundation for a relationship to be forever. You are not going to be one of those stupid women who rush off to marry a man just because you get pregnant. You need to be with him for love, not because of this.
"If he's not man enough to understand that you need time to process this, then he's not the man for you. You should talk with him about it, but you shouldn’t make a decision on whether to be with him or alone until your emotions are stable."
I listened to what she had to say, and I felt like she was being really honest with me and not trying to sway me one way or the other. It was good advice. I should stop and process my emotions about the relationship with Cole separately from my thoughts about motherhood and doing this alone. I just didn't want to run home and isolate myself while I did that.
"And if I decide I want to come home six months from now?" I asked hesitantly.
"Your room will be here, and so will I…" Mom was quiet. I felt like I was hurting her.
"And if I decide to stay with him? If he wants me and this baby?" I held my breath as I waited for her to respond. She took a few seconds, and I feared what she'd say because every woman wants her mother’s approval.
"Then I’ll be here and support you, Rose. No matter what. I know you didn’t plan this. I can't imagine how scared you are. If you just want to come home for a few days and rest, or if you don’t want to come at all, I want you to know I love you. And I'll be here for you, no matter what." The way she repeated that last line put me at ease.
This wasn't how I saw this conversation going, but it made me feel a bit more secure about things. If my mom was on my side, then it didn't matter in the long run whether Cole wanted or didn't want me. I knew I would get through it. My future was changed forever, anyway. A baby tended to do that. So if I had to pack up and move home, I'd just readjust my expectations and move on, no matter how difficult it would be.
I just wanted it to be easy. Except easy didn't seem to be in my future.
One thing was for sure. I did need to tell Cole. I'd have to make a plan to do that as soon as possible.