26. Rose
26
ROSE
I stood over Cole's stove stirring the pot of spaghetti sauce while he stood by the window in his front room staring out at the storm. It was dark, almost like nighttime despite being mid-afternoon, and thunder shook the entire house. I felt like it matched Cole's mood today—like his mood every day for weeks.
We'd made things right weeks ago, but he was still the same grumpy, brooding guy who pushed me away, except now I knew why. I felt sad for him, and more than anything, I wanted to make things right for him, but I couldn't. I knew the lawsuit had to run its course and right now, the lawyers were in discussions on ways to mitigate the damage to Cole's career. I secretly prayed it would go away, but I knew that was a long shot.
"Dinner's almost ready," I called, hoping my cooking would put him in a better mood. We spent a few evenings a week together, but he was always so down, we didn't do much but sit on his couch and watch TV. In fact, I even tried to get him interested in sex those first few days, but he just told me he wasn't in the mood. I'd have thought he was cheating if I didn’t know better.
This whole thing sucked. I was okay without having sex, and frankly, now it was a good thing he didn't want to do it. I was starting to show. The twins were making my belly grow at twice the rate of a normal pregnancy, and I already had to wear really baggy shirts to mask the bump I was getting. I noticed the changes to my body, but thankfully, Cole hadn’t.
"Alright," he said in a grumble, then he moved away from the window and joined me at the table. I set the pasta sauce next to the bowl of pasta. I set the table earlier and poured myself a glass of juice. Cole had a glass of Scotch. It was his go-to drink now. For a while, he wasn't drinking, but lately, it felt like he always had a drink in his hand when I was over. It was no wonder he didn't notice that I was gaining weight or changing shape. He was always half-tipsy.
"Thank you for letting me cook for you," I told him as I served some spaghetti onto his plate. His eyes traced my movement, and he nodded, giving a curt smile.
"Thank you for taking care of me. I really don't deserve you." He caught my hand and brought it to his lips, and I saw the sadness in his eyes. I changed the subject thinking maybe it was what he needed, for me to distract him.
"So, it's really raining outside tonight." I smiled as a clap of thunder again shook the house, but my topic of choice seemed to be the wrong one. He scowled and plunged his fork into his pasta, twirling a bite on his fork. I winced and looked down at my own empty plate and decided I should eat something too.
I served myself some spaghetti and felt sad. So many times, I wanted to tell Cole about the babies and hope it would cheer him up, but so many times, I stopped myself. If there was even the slightest chance that he would think it was stressful or negative, if he didn't want to be a father or he would be upset with me, I knew I couldn’t say it. So I sat paralyzed most of the time, worrying about my own future while he was worrying about his.
"I, uh… I heard from Kiki that the hospital is adding a new cancer research wing…" At this point, I would have talked about Donald Duck just to snap him out of it and help him feel better, but he just grunted and shrugged at everything I had to say.
I took small bites, chewed carefully, and tried not to stress. My blood pressure had already been too high this pregnancy. My doctor was concerned I was stressing too much. I'd done some tests already to determine what was wrong, but nothing was conclusive. The only thing I could tell her was that I was worried about my future. In reality, I was worried about my future, and my job, and my relationship with Cole, and Cole himself.
It felt like everything was out of control and there was no one to reach to for help. I could only imagine how Cole felt about the whole thing. He was tormenting himself with fear of losing this suit and potentially his career too. That in turn trickled over to me in so many ways, but mostly because I was on a timetable. In just a few weeks, my belly would be large enough that I wouldn't be able to hide it from anyone, not even drunken Cole Hastings. Who even knew how long the lawsuit would drag out?
"I'm not feeling so well," I told him after taking a few bites. I really just wanted to go home and rest, but I felt bad leaving him like this. I felt like he was my responsibility and that if he was alone and hurting, it was my fault. I should be here for him. If there was a "him" to be here for.
He looked up at me blankly and nodded, and I saw the glassy-eyed expression he gave me. He was hurting so much, and there was nothing I could do to help him. "You can go home, babe. I'm sorry for being so down."
I felt horrible for wanting to go home, so I sighed and sucked it up. "I don't want to go home, but maybe I could just rest in your bed a while?" I glanced around at the kitchen. It was a disaster when I showed up, so I cleaned it up so I could cook. I knew he wouldn't clean this up either, and it would be waiting on me the next time I forced him to eat a proper meal.
"Yeah, that's okay. I'll finish eating and come check on you." The fake smile on his lips hurt me more than the fact that he had mentally checked out. He wasn't being real with me when he did that, and I didn’t even think he realized he was doing it.
I blinked back a few tears and stood up and nodded. I didn't say anything else as I kicked off my shoes and climbed into his bed. I sent Alana a text letting her know I was sleeping over, and she asked how he was doing. I didn't respond. I just curled up in his bed and went to sleep.
Hours later, I was awakened by the bed shaking as Cole climbed in with me. He smelled like booze as he curled around me, and I felt utter defeat wash over me. If something with the lawsuit didn't break quickly, I was going to have to give up. It really wasn’t good for me or the babies to keep carrying this much stress. I knew he was going through something, but there wasn't much more I could do, and I needed a break too.
This entire situation sucked. I wanted my mom, and that wasn't a feeling any grown woman ever liked having.