53. Kailin #2
"'You are the Hero of Elucia,'" Codric read on.
"'You are going to be its head shaman one day.
You are worth so much more than being the little secret of a married man's life, and I love you far too much to let you settle for this.
It breaks my heart, but there is only one thing I can do for you.
I'm letting you go. Don't wait for me. Find a man to love who can be wholly yours and who can stand beside you at all times.
Be happy, Kailin. I love you. That was always true and always will be.
I will never stop loving you, and that's why I'm choosing not to be selfish and to let you go. '"
Codric sighed, folded the pages along the crease, and held them out to me.
I took them even though I couldn't read a word of the shorthand he used to decipher the letter, because I needed to hold on to something or I would start screaming.
I didn't feel grief. I felt rage.
"He chose." My voice came out shaking. "He just decided what's best for me, handed down the verdict, and never asked me what I wanted.
" I waved the pages in Codric's face. "Was there a question anywhere in that?
Anywhere he gave a damn about what I wanted to choose?
" I was on my feet, still waving the pages in the air as proof.
"He doesn't get to do that. Everyone gets to dictate the new rules except for me.
His mother, the council, Tarina, fate, and now him!
Him most of all, deciding to be noble all over my head as if I'm a bird in a cage he can let loose when his conscience pricks him.
I didn't ask to be set free. He doesn't get to play the saint while breaking my heart! "
"Kailin."
"Don't 'Kailin' me." I rounded on him, and it was unfair, but I couldn't stop. "You probably think that he's doing the noble thing. He's not! He's being cruel! He doesn't get to end things between us with a damn letter! Let him come here and say it to my face like a man!"
"It's okay," Codric said. "Yell at me." He spread his hands. "Swing at me. I'm a very willing punching bag. I'd rather you hit me than hold it in."
That was when I finally noticed how wrecked he looked, and the rage went out of me all at once, leaving me hollow and shaking. Codric was grieving too. He'd lost his cousin and his best friend, and he'd also had to be the bearer of bad news, twice now.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "This isn't your fault."
"I know."
I crossed to him in two steps and put my arms around him.
The moment he returned the embrace, something in my chest tore loose, and I broke.
I cried into his shoulder, and it wasn't pretty.
It was ugly and gasping, and he held on and didn't tell me it would be all right, because we both knew it wouldn't be.
When the worst of it had passed, I pulled back and scrubbed at my face, wiping away the tears.
"I need some time alone," I said.
"Are you sure?" He looked at my face with worry in his eyes.
I nodded. "I need to lie in bed, cover my head with a pillow, and process."
He stayed where he was. "Do you want to write back to him? Tell him that he doesn't get to decide for you?"
I shook my head. "Not yet. Maybe later. Tomorrow. I'll write him tomorrow. Anyway, the letter isn't going to reach him before his betrothal, and perhaps it's for the best."
He nodded. "We need to leave for the afternoon flight training. Are you coming?"
"I think I'll cancel. I'll let Onyx know that I need the afternoon off. He can tell Ravel and Veynathei."
Codric seemed torn. "Are you going to be all right here by yourself?"
"Yes. Go. You don't want to be late."
He hesitated for one more moment before opening the door. "What do I tell the others?"
"The truth." I put my hand on his shoulder. "There is no reason to hide this from them. They need to know."
After he left, I walked over to my bed and lay down, but I didn't cover my head with the pillow.
I reached out to Onyx.
"What's the matter, Little Warrior? I sense your distress."
"I'm fine, so to speak. But I'm not fine to fly. Please tell Ravel that I won't be training with him this afternoon. Tell Veynathei too."
"Are you hurt?"
"My heart is heavy. I'll tell you about it some other time. Now I need to rest."
He didn't answer right away, but he was still there, still connected to me. "Bad news from home?"
"From Alar. It seems that he's not coming back."
"Oh, Little Warrior. I'm so sorry."
I could almost hear him adding that it must be so hard because I was being abandoned for the second time. First by my bonded dragon, and then by the man I loved.
"Anything I can do to help?" he asked instead.
"I just need time."
"Be well, Little Warrior. This too shall pass."
His presence in my mind receded, and I put my shields up.
What was coming up behind the grief was not for anyone but me to acknowledge.
It was a traitorous thought, shameful, but undeniable. A sense of relief that I wasn't the only one riddled with guilt. That Alar was guilty as well, just in a different way.
For weeks, I'd been carrying guilt about that thing I'd been refusing to name even to myself, and it had gotten worse since the accident.
Perhaps now that Alar had let me go, I would finally allow myself to acknowledge it, to explore it, and for once without the overwhelming sense of guilt.
Alar had freed me even though I hadn't wanted to be freed, and despite my raging, I had to acknowledge that it was very noble of him to do so.
The universe had conspired against us, and none of this was Alar's fault. What I needed to do was to free him in return.
I owed him that.
I owed him the truth I'd been hiding in cheerful letters and blocking even from myself.
I would tell him about the fall, about Ravel saving me, and about Morgateth bolting and not coming back.
I would tell him how alone I'd felt, and how Ravel and I had gotten closer after the accident, even though we were both fighting the connection that had started five years ago as a small seed and had grown now into something we could no longer ignore.
I would tell him not to spend his life pining over a corner of mine either.
I'd tell him to make an effort to find out whether that marriage he'd been forced into could be more than in name only.
I'd tell him he was being ridiculous because, sooner or later, both crowns would want heirs from him and Idrilia.
The thought of dictating all of that to Codric so he could turn it into a secret message with his and Alar's cipher was mortifying, but I was going to pay the price and thank him for it.
Then I would have to beg Saphir to allow the letter to leave the Citadel so it could reach Alar and set him free.
THE BONDS OF WINGS AND FURY SERIES