Chapter 8
Eight
A week had passed since she’d heard from Kimi, and subsequently had a massive, so-embarrassing-she-could-cry, panic attack in the middle of the woods. There had been no update on the missing woman from Virginia, but that hadn’t stopped her from driving to Rogersville to use the computers at the library to read every article published about the disappearance. Sloane had managed to hide all week from everyone except Lily, who cornered her at the end of the work day and basically demanded she join everyone for a trip into Bell Ridge.
Which is why she found herself climbing out of her car at an ungodly hour in the practically empty parking lot behind Montgomery Defense.
“How’s that wrist feeling?”
Sloane turned around, smiling at Gage as he walked towards her. His hands were in the pockets of his fitted jeans and his dimples were on full display.
“It’s fine. On the mend.” She held her hand up and rolled her wrist a few times before reaching up to run her fingers across the pendant hanging around her neck. “I haven’t had a chance to say thank you, for the other day.”
“No thanks needed, Red. I’m just glad you’re doing better. I was worried when I didn’t see you in the gym this week.”
Shit. He’d noticed.
“I thought this was going to be a group outing? Where is everyone else?” Sloane groaned, willing him to accept the change of subject without question.
“It was supposed to be.” His eyebrows pulled together. “I know Hawk and Nash needed to run through and tweak a scenario they’re putting together for a group of Secret Service members who are coming to train at The Trident in a couple of weeks, so they bowed out.”
Sloane felt her phone buzz in her back pocket.
“And… Lily just messaged me to say Sage spiked a fever last night and they’re in zombie mode this morning. So they won’t be tagging along.”
She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “What about Stone and Mae?”
Gage’s eyebrows went comically high on his forehead. “Uh. Well, I’m sure you know what they’re up to. Or at least, I’m assuming they are up to something together since neither one of them answered their phones when I called before you got here.”
“So, does that mean it’s just the two of us for the market this morning?”
“Yeah.” His hand went to the back of his neck. He looked at her sheepishly, an adorable pink tint blooming across his cheeks. “Is that okay? I get it if you don’t want to go since it’s not a group thing anymore.”
“No. I still want to go. I can follow you over to Bell Ridge if you want or?—”
“Absolutely not. It doesn’t make sense to drive two vehicles. I’ve got room in my truck.” He paused. “As long as you’re okay with that.”
“That sounds nice. Thanks.”
* * *
Gage held open the door for Sloane, catching his hand at the last second before it slid to her lower back. It was a move he’d done countless times for his wife, because he knew it made her feel safe and protected. And as much as he wanted to give Sloane that, he knew that move would have the opposite effect on her.
They’d walked along Main Street in Bell Ridge, stopping at some of the booths at the Farmer’s Market along the way. Neither one of them seemed to be in a big shopping mood, but Gage would be the first to admit he was just happy to be spending some time with Sloane.
“You know what’s crazy?” Sloane said as her eyes scanned the sub shop where they’d decided to order their lunch from.
“What?”
“I’ve never been here before.”
His stomach growled as he took a step closer to the counter. “You’re in for a treat. Their chopped Italian sub is one of the best things I’ve ever had.”
“Well, with that resounding endorsement, how could I not try it? Is it spicy?”
“Do you not like spice?”
“I can handle some heat. But if it’s atomic, then I won’t really enjoy it.”
“You’ll be okay with this. The only real heat comes from some pepperoncinis.”
“Perfect.”
“Next!” The kid standing behind the counter called out, and Gage waited for Sloane to step up and order.
The chime for the door rang behind him as someone else walked into the shop. Gage passed his credit card to the cashier and turned to see who had walked in.
“Hey, Cap. Emma.” Sebastian and Emma stood behind them, their eyes bouncing between Sloane and Gage. He knew what it looked like, and watched as the smile spread across Emma’s face.
“Oh, are you two out on a date?” Emma’s eyes lit up.
“No,” Sloane all but yelled. And damn if that didn’t hurt a bit. “We were supposed to be on a group outing, but everyone canceled at the last minute.”
“Hm. Did he buy you lunch?” she asked.
“Of course I did.”
“And did he open the door for you when you came in here?”
“Yes.”
“And are you about to go somewhere quiet to eat lunch, just the two of you?”
“Uhh…”
“Mm. Okay, sure. Did you hear that, Seb? Our friends are here doing date-ish things, but they are very much not on a date.”
“Emma,” Gage growled, with what he hoped was just enough bite to get her to back down without getting punched in the throat by Sebastian.
“If I didn’t know any better, Gage, I’d say you orchestrated that to get this beautiful woman all to yourself.”
Sloane’s cheeks turned the color of strawberries under a hot July sun and she dropped her eyes to the counter top, still fidgeting with her pendent.
“If I was smarter, I would have. As luck would have it, our friends made this happen for me all on their own.”
That certainly got her attention, and he couldn’t help but smile as her warm brown eyes settled on him.
“Well, we won’t hold you up. Emma and I have lots of plans ahead of us since Addie is with friends and we have the apartment to ourselves for a few hours.”
“A very full itinerary, indeed.” The wink Emma gave Sloane had Gage hiding his laughter.
“Right, Cap. Enjoy your afternoon.”
* * *
“Sorry about Emma.”
Sloane hadn’t said a word since leaving the sub shop. Her mind was caught cycling between complete happiness for her friends, who were so free in their love, and envy, because she could never see herself having that. And then there was what Gage said to Emma, about making their outing into a date. Her heart skipped a beat as she let her mind wander to what a real date with Gage would be like.
“You don’t have to apologize. Emma is just… Emma. And I like that she just says what’s on her mind.”
Gage nodded as they continued their walk towards the benches.
“Would it be so crazy?”
“Would what be?”
“If this were a date.”
“Well, yes. Because it isn’t. We were all supposed to be going to the farmer’s market as friends.”
“You’re right, but since it is just the two of us, we could choose to do something together that wasn’t originally planned with the group. Just a you and me type of thing.”
“Are you saying you want to take me on a date?”
“Is that such a crazy idea?”
She shook her head back and forth. “Not because of you. It’s just… I haven’t been on a date in a very long time.”
“I haven’t either.”
“Shit!” Sloane’s foot slipped off the sidewalk, and she stumbled, trying to right herself before her ass hit the pavement. Embarrassment burned through her body, knowing an entire weekend’s worth of shoppers were likely witnessing her fall flat on her face. But then, she didn’t hit the ground. Instead, something much worse happened.
Gage reached out. His hand wrapped around her arm. And once he had her in his grasp, he pulled her into his body.
She immediately stiffened, willing her mind to stay in the moment. With a deep inhale, she grounded herself in his scent. It was all sandalwood and pine, and it mixed perfectly with the scent of grass and fresh air around them. Scents that reminded her she was safe. It wasn’t him. This was Gage.
“You okay, Red?”
“I need you to let go of me,” she whimpered. He looked down at her confused. “Gage, I need you to let go of me. Please. I’m going to panic if you don’t let go.”
“Shit. I’m so sorry.” Gage let go of her arm and took two steps back, his hands immediately going into his pockets. “I just saw you falling and didn’t want you to get hurt.”
Sloane took another deep breath, letting her eyes drift closed. “I appreciate that. Thank you.”
She forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, finally making their way to a bench near the gazebo in the center of town. They silently set out their lunch in between them, but Sloane had lost most of her appetite.
Her hand rested on the sub for a second before she picked it up, handing it to Gage. He reached out to take it from her, but his hand rested against hers. And he didn’t try to move away.
She jerked back, quickly grabbing a bag of chips to open them.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t… You know you can’t touch me like that.” Gage’s eyebrow’s flew up so fast she thought they might try to escape right off his face.
“Finally ready to tell me why?”
“No.”
“You’re like a toddler sometimes.”
His response had her jaw dropping open. “Excuse me?”
“I used to have to make sure I never phrased something as a question to Mikey, because he would always take the easy way out.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.” She folded her arms across her chest.
“That’s exactly what you are doing, Red. You’re choosing not to open up to me.”
She nodded. “I‘m supposed to be invisible, Gage. That’s how I like it.”
“You’ve never been invisible to me.”
“A woman told you she doesn’t want to be touched. I would think someone as kind and observant as you would just leave it be.”
His eyes narrowed. “Something is wrong. No matter how many times you try to ignore me or tell me I’m imagining things, I know it. No matter how many times Lily, or Hawk, or anyone else tries to tell me you’re just a reserved person. I know this pulling back? This closing yourself off? It isn’t right. I am observant. And I see all the signs.”
“All the signs? Of what, exactly.”
“Of a woman who has been hurt.”
She scoffed, unwrapping her sub and praying he couldn’t see the way her fingers shook. “I think the sad reality is that every woman has been hurt in some way or another by the time she gets to be my age.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You don’t just shy away from someone specific touching you. It’s not just avoiding Dillon, who gives off aggressive asshole vibes, or the clerk at the grocery store who won’t listen to your answer about going to dinner with him. It’s all touch. I’ve even seen the way you shrink away when Lily and Gunner are all over each other. I see the way you look at Hawk when he flirts. You struggled to even let Stone get near you the other night in the forest, and that was for a purely platonic medical reason. You only let me carry you out of there because I insisted and you didn’t want to make a scene?—”
“You couldn’t possibly know that,” she whispered.
“You don’t have to tell me about your past. You don’t have to explain it to me. I just want you to know that you’re safe with me. I would never, ever hurt you. And if something is going on now, you can talk to me. I want to make sure no one else can hurt you, Red.”
Sloane set her sandwich down on the wrapper still on the bench between them.
“I want to trust you. I know I can trust you. It’s just that, I was an undergrad when something… happened. Touch hasn’t been a safe thing for me in a very, very long time, Gage. I can’t tell you more, so please don’t ask me to. All you need to know is that I’m broken. And I don’t think anything is ever going to change that.”
“You’re not broken.” His words rumbled so low that she felt the vibrations in her own chest. “I respect that you don’t want to tell me more, Sloane. I don’t like it one fucking bit, and it’s probably going to drive me mad with worry, but I respect it. The only thing I know for sure out of this whole thing is that you are not broken.”
“How can you not see it? You stopped me from falling over back there and I freaked out. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’m so sorry, Gage. I’m a therapist, and I can’t even fix myself. I think that makes me the biggest fraud in the history of the world.”
“Sloane. You. Are. Not. Broken. You are not a fraud. You’re scared. I don’t know what from, but I want to. I want to be someone you trust with that truth.” His eyes dropped to where her fingers were brushing over her necklace. “You trusted me enough to put that tracking device in your pendant and I fucking want to kill whoever put that fear so deep in your heart that you think you need it right now to be safe. I know you’re not ready and I won’t press, but one day you will be, and I just want you to know that I’m here. I’ll be here, to sit with you, and hear what happened. And I’ll believe you. I’ll support you however I can.”
“Have you heard of touch starvation?” she whispered.
“No.” He shook his head. “What is it?”
“It’s where someone has a chronic lack of physical touch. Even though they want to be held. To be hugged. To be touched. They can’t. There’s something that stops them from getting that contact. And they become touch starved. It makes loneliness, depression, and anxiety worse. ”
“Do you think you have that?” His words were filled with so much empathy that they dripped with concern.
“I know I do.” She smiled weakly. “It’s been so long since I’ve been able to… But then Mae and Lily came into my life and it felt safe to let them hug me. And I think that made it worse.”
“Why?”
“Because I want more. And I can’t have it.”
The way he looked at her made it seem like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. “How do you know you can’t have more? Have you tried?”
“With Lily and Mae? I love them, Gage, but not like that.” Sloane winked, trying to break the tension as she reached for her sandwich again. Maybe if she had a mouth full of food, Gage would forget the way she’d just vaguely dumped her trauma onto him.
He laughed, the smile so genuine that it reached all the way to his eyes. “That’s a very interesting idea, but I wasn’t thinking like that, Red. I meant, have you thought about exploring more touch with someone you trust? In whatever way makes you feel safe and supported.”
She took a bite of her sandwich, then another one. The chewing forced her brain to slow down. Because as soon as the words had left his mouth, Sloane was picturing all the ways they could work on touch exposure together.
“I’ve wanted to, yes. I’m not just a therapist. I also see one regularly and have… for a very long time. They’ve suggested every form of exposure therapy to me over the years. But if I’m being honest, I’m scared I’ll freak out and whoever is with me won’t be able to handle it.”
“I can handle it.”
“Gage, I?—”
“I can handle it, Sloane. It fucking gutted me to see you so scared in the woods last week, but all I was thinking in that moment was that I wanted to help you.”
“What if I never get better? We’re here today?—”
“On our date.”
She shook her head, but there was no argument behind it. There was something about the way Gage was pursuing her that felt warm and welcomed after so many years of forcing herself to be alone. “I don’t want to lead you on. There might never be a time when we’re able to go beyond you touching me only if it’s somehow medically necessary. And even then it might still be really hard for me to deal with.”
“How about we don’t put so much pressure on it right out of the gate? Because we can sit here all day and worry about the what ifs. Or, we can start out with something you are comfortable with and go from there.”
“I don’t know.”
“We can start small. Can we just try holding hands?”
“You’d… you’d be okay with that?”
“Christ, Sloane. Yeah. I’d be more than fine with that.”
Gage held out his hand, his face turning to look at something off in the distance. She knew he was trying to not make her feel any pressure. God, why did he have to be so sweet? So patient? He made it so easy to want to get better. Because something in the back of her mind already had her heart skipping at the thought of curling up against his side and snuggling down onto his chest.
That thought bolstered her. There was no room for fear. She’d let the issue go on for far too long. She’d let it grow into a dragon that now needed slaying. And it looked like her knight in shining armor was going to be the one to help her do it.
Sloane brought her sub down, laying it back on the parchment paper before wiping the crumbs from her fingers onto her jeans. She willed her hands not to tremble as she reached out to take his hand, melting into the way his warmth immediately radiated into her body.
When his head turned back towards her and his gaze dropped to their connected hands, she couldn’t hold in her nervous laughter any longer.
“The idea of holding my hand is really that funny, Red?”
“No. It was more the thought that once again I’m forced to get help from my knight in shining armor, and here you are, more than ready to slay a dragon for me.”
“Knight in shining armor, huh? I like the sound of that.” He squeezed his fingers. “How is this? Are you doing okay?”
“If I don’t think about it too hard, it’s really nice. There’s only one downside.”
“What?”
“How are we supposed to finish our lunches now that our hands are occupied?”
“I’ve got a perfectly good hand right here.” Gage reached into the bag next to his hip and pulled out a chip. “Open up.”
Her mind felt like it was short circuiting, but she obeyed his command.
“Relax, Red.” His hand squeezed down on hers. “The only part of us that is going to touch is our hands, okay? I just want you to be able to finish your lunch, too.”
“I trust you.”