Chapter 13
Thirteen
Hawk tossed his work bag down and slid his shoes off just on the other side of the apartment door.
He’d tried to take the day off of work after Jessie got back from her walk, but a mountain of new documents and drawings for The Trident II landed in his inbox and he’d needed Mae’s help sorting through what needed to be printed and organized, and what could stay in its digital form.
Then Lily and Sloane had walked into the office, and a million more congratulations and hugs were given when he told them about the baby.
It felt so fucking good to have the people he loved finally know.
Now, he just needed to get Jessie to see that the same could be possible when she told her family.
The smell of sugar cookies and cinnamon hit him, and Hawk turned, smiling wide as he walked towards the kitchen.
He’d only sent a text every hour checking in on how she was feeling, even though she started ignoring him after the second time.
If she was able to bake, she very clearly wasn’t lying or trying to push through, and he was so fucking happy about that.
It felt like a lifetime since he’d seen her feel energized.
Watching her drag herself through her workdays, the exhaustion that lined her face when he’d show up to help with closing the diner, dropping her off and wanting nothing more than to scoop her up and carry her to her door because of the way she looked like she might tip over at any second, it was crushing him.
But the warm, delicious scent of something baking ignited hope in his heart.
Maybe this would be the turning point for her.
And, as excited as he was for Jessie to feel better, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on the cookies—
Coughing, followed by the all-too familiar sound of Jessie getting sick filled the apartment, and Hawk took off down the hall. He found her in his bathroom, hunched over the toilet, tears streaming down her face.
Hawk grabbed a wash cloth from the cabinet under the sink and ran it under the cold water, before wringing it out and pressing it to the back of her neck. Jessie cried, her fingers turning white from how tightly she was holding onto the bowl.
“It’s okay, Jess. Just try to breathe. It’ll pass. It will pass, sweetheart.”
He didn’t want to leave her there, but all the remedies he’d purchased the day before were still on the nightstand by the bed. Hawk moved efficiently, grabbing a random assortment of things and rushing back to sit on the floor next to her.
He gently reached up and started massaging the pressure point in the meaty part of her hand between her thumb and pointer finger. Jessie moaned, her head dropping to her other arm.
“Just breathe. We’ve got this.” He was trying to sound reassuring, but just from the quick glimpse he got of her face, the worry was moving towards uncontrollable levels. She looked like she was going to pass out, and Hawk would fucking lose it…
He brought an alcohol wipe up to his mouth and tore the packaging, continuing to massage the pressure point on her hand as he got the soaked cloth out and moved it towards her nose.
“How does that work?” she groaned. “It smells disgusting.”
“But it’s helping?”
Jessie nodded, slipping her hand out from his and curling in on herself. His eyes dropped to her belly before catching the fact that she was still rubbing the same spot he had been on her hand.
Hawk stood, wetting another cloth with cold water before wiping it over her forehead and neck.
“Has it passed?” he asked, his fingers running up and down her back. They were about to have the toughest conversation he’d ever had to start in his fucking life, but there just was no way around it.
Jessie nodded weakly, her eyes closing as her head sank down into her hands. He stood, bending over to scoop her up. She didn’t even protest as he walked with her pressed against his chest, out of the bathroom and right into bed.
“I need to brush my teeth,” she groaned. But she didn’t budge. She didn’t push him away, or try to move off of him. Hawk settled his back against the head board and tightened his hold of her while he pulled the comforter up around both of them.
And that’s when her whole body began to shake. Hawk lifted his hand, his thumb tucking under her chin to tip her face toward his.
“I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wanted you to come home to something nice, because you’ve been so sweet taking such good care of me and I needed to reciprocate. I had to do something to say thank you.”
“Jess. You told me you were feeling better earlier. That it was a good day.”
“It was,” she cried. “Until it wasn’t. I didn’t want you to worry.
And I wanted to get everything done before your day was over.
But now the kitchen’s a mess and the smell of everything I made is out there and it’ll just keep making me nauseous and I ruined it all.
You had to come home and take care of me again.
I can’t… I don’t think I can keep doing this. ”
He’d been watching her. The light, slowly draining from her eyes. The darkness swallowing more and more of her beautiful features as she fought to stay sane.
“I hate this too. What can I do?” Hawk swallowed, the emotions rolling off of her sticking painfully in his throat.
He’d done that. He’d gotten her pregnant and his actions were responsible for how awful everything had been for her lately.
And he was an asshole for pushing her to share about the pregnancy when maybe things wouldn’t work out.
“Nothing. There’s nothing. It’s me. My body is failing me. It’s failing the baby.”
He shook his head. “No. You aren’t failing her. I can’t fucking stand seeing this. I can’t stand seeing you fading in front of me. Do you think…” He blew out his breath, trying to find the words to tell her what he’d been thinking.
“What?”
“I read an article about women who struggle with sickness in pregnancy… they make the decision to… well, they make the decision that’s right for them.”
“I don’t understand?” Her brows pulled together.
“I know you’re past twelve weeks now, but… Do you think we should talk to someone about ending the pregnancy?”
Jessie jolted in his arms. Her eyes went wide as she shook her head back and forth. “What are you talking about? We just told your friends about the baby and now you’re telling me you don’t want him? You don’t want us?”
“What? No! That’s not…” Christ. Hawk ran his hand over his face. “You said it yourself. You can’t do it anymore. And you don’t have to. I’ll ask Sebastian for the plane. I’ll take you wherever you need to go. We can stay away while you recover and get better. I want you to be okay.”
“Hawk. We’re so close to the second trimester. I’m not… I’m not dying.”
He pushed back a sweat-soaked strand of hair.
“That shouldn’t be the standard by which you measure if this is something to move forward with or not.
But you could. You could be so sick for the next six months that it drains the life right out of you.
Without medical intervention, you’ll be dehydrated.
Malnourished. It’ll put a strain on your kidneys.
Your heart. Not to mention the mental toll it’s taking on you.
” His thumb stroked over her cheek. “There isn’t the same light in your eyes anymore.
I can’t… I love this baby. The idea of being a dad, raising our child, is a dream come true for me.
But I… there is no future that I want where our baby is here and you aren’t. ”
Her tired eyes went wide as she looked back at him, almost like she was searching to find a clue that would say he was lying.
But Hawk wasn’t. He didn’t want to lose the baby.
He wanted to be a dad more than anything in the world.
More than almost anything in the world. Seeing his sister and his best friend fight for their relationship–to see them come back from the brink of despair–yeah, that had taught him once you find your person, you don’t let them go. And Jessie was his.
“You’d be okay with that? With me picking myself over our baby? What kind of person would that make me?”
“It would make you a human who knows they have value beyond just being a vessel to bring another life into this world. You don’t have to suffer, to lose your health, your strength, your passions—”
“I’m not.”
“Jess, I just want you to hear me out.”
“I have. And I don’t know how I got so lucky.
Everything you just said shows me the kind of man you are, Hawk, and I’m…
just… Thank you for saying it. I don’t think I can give up.
As much as I want it to be over. As much as I never want to feel nauseous again in my life…
I know I said I was done, but I’m not giving up.
Don’t give up on me and our baby, okay?”
Hawk pressed his lips to her temple. “We’re family. Now. Forever. I’ll respect your choice. Always.”
“I hate to ask…” Jessie groaned as her heartbeat throbbed in her temples. Shit. She needed something to drink. Her hands landed on either side of her hips and she tried to push up off the mattress. Her body was dragging.
“Then don’t ask. Just tell me what you need.” His hand was there on her hip in an instant, steadying her.
“A drink. And the cookies have to go. I’m not sure what it was about them, but I can’t…” She swallowed and closed her eyes as the nausea pulled at the back of her throat.
“Whoa. Nope. Don’t think about it. I’ve got a ginger ale with your name written on it in the fridge. And while you’re sipping on it in bed, I’ll clean up the kitchen.”
And that’s what he did. Or at least, that’s what she assumed was happening in the kitchen with all the clanging and whistling while water ran in the sink. Her ginger ale did the trick, soothing the never-ending churning her stomach seemed to be programmed for.