Chapter 23 #2
“Jessie?” His voice pulled through the darkness, but it was too far away.
And then she was spinning. Hawk pulled her chair away from the table, moving her seat so she was facing him, and away from the laptop.
She blinked away the tears stinging her eyes, and then he was down on his knees in front of her, his eyes searching her face.
But she couldn’t get the words out. God, it had been building up for weeks, but how fucking pathetic was she?
Freaking out about the baby being a girl.
And now, feeling so useless about providing for their baby.
How had she ever thought she’d be able to care for their child on her own?
Is that what he thought? Did he know she wouldn’t be able to do it?
Was that why he was being so sweet? Getting her to stay with him so he’d know his child was cared for?
Because he’d be doing it. Was it possible that he didn’t trust her?
“Jess. Look at me,” he demanded. “What’s wrong?”
Hawk’s arms wrapped around her, his hand pressing her head gently into his chest. Her breaths fell out, searing pain in her chest as she tried to move air into her body. But it wasn’t working. Her lungs crushed beneath the weight of her panic.
“Sweetheart, I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me? Breathe. Our baby needs the oxygen, and so do you.” His hands danced in circles over her back as his words drew her out of her panic.
“Tell me about our baby.”
Her head slowly shook back and forth.
“Yes, Jess. Let me hear that voice I love so much. Tell me what we’re having.”
He already knew the answer to this. Why was he asking?
“G-girl.”
“That’s good. Take another breath.” His hand continued to rub a circle onto her back, while the other squeezed constant, firm pressure on her thigh. “And how far along are you?”
“You k-know,” she whispered.
“And I want to hear you tell me.”
“Twenty weeks. B-Banana baby.”
His deep, warm laughter wrapped around her like a gentle hug.
“That’s right. Our banana bumblebee.”
She smiled, the disconnected feeling leaving her body enough that she could focus on Hawk’s face.
“And we’re going to name her Jessie Junior, after her incredible mom, right?” he asked.
She pushed away from him, sucking in a harsh breath before shaking her head.
“Never. That’s an awful name.”
Hawk smiled, his fingers running along her cheek. “There you are.”
A big breath whooshed out from her lungs.
“Here I am. I’m so sorry.” Heat rose in her cheeks, a bright red blush left in its wake.
“Where did you go, just now?”
“Why am I here?” she blurted out before thinking.
His forehead wrinkled as he shook his head. “We were having dinner—”
“No. Why am I here? At your apartment. Still. When I’m doing so much better. I-I know the stuff happened out at the ranch, but I could stay with Lach, or Colt would let me move into his spare room. Even Birdie offered—.”
“Why are we talking about this again? You’re not staying with anyone but me,” he grumbled. “I thought you wanted to be here?”
“I do,” she whispered.
“I want you here, too. I love taking care of you. I love getting to wake up next to you in the morning and all I think about all fucking day long is coming home and falling asleep with you in my arms.”
“It’s not because you know I’m not capable of taking care of the baby on my own? Because you can afford nice things and I’ll never be able to provide for her like that? It’s not because you think she’s at a disadvantage with me as a mom?”
“What. The. Fuck?” His growl had her eyes jumping from his chest up to meet his gaze. “Of course you could take care of our baby on your own. But I don’t want you to. Not for one goddamn minute of your pregnancy and certainly not for one single second once the baby is here.”
She shook her head. “But I’m not doing anything for you. I wash the laundry and put everything back in the wrong spot. I bake for you and you end up doing the dishes because I get dizzy, or sick, or I’m exhausted. I’m not taking care of you.”
“Who told you that you need to be doing something for me in order for me to love you?”
Her heart was beating so loud in her ears that it was hard to focus on the weight of the words he’d just said.
“Do you really believe that?” Hawk asked. “That the only way I could possibly love you is if you were taking care of something for me? Doing things for me?”
“That’s how I show people I care about them. And when I do all the things they expect of me, then they’re happy with me and I know they love me.”
“Jess.” His voice had dropped to a whisper, and she bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. Because the instant the words were out there, she heard how wrong they were.
“Would you stop loving Bee if you asked her to fold the laundry and she didn’t? If she was tired and took a nap instead?”
“Of course not.”
“And what if she had a fun day baking with you, but then was too tired to pick up. Would you stop loving her because she was listening to her body and decided to rest?”
“No. But she’s my child. I would do anything for her. I’ll love her always.”
“Somewhere, along the way, someone showed you that their love was conditional. And that’s not really love, sweetheart.
Because I know we’re a team. You need a little help right now because you are pregnant.
You’re literally growing little eyes, and chunky cheeks, and strong bones while I chop some vegetables for soup.
If you’re worried about things being fair, or that you’re not doing enough for me, just know, the scales are tipped forever in your favor. ”
“It’s not the same.” Her fingers twisted in her lap.
“How is it different? Why would you never put that on our daughter, but you’re okay with it being put on you? I need you to hear me when I say this next part. Okay?”
“Okay,” she replied.
“I love you. I am in love with you. You. Not because I know saying that will get me baked goodies, or my laundry taken care of. Or because you are giving me the gift of fatherhood. I love you. Happy you. Sassy you. Sad you. Sexy you. Anxious you. Fierce you. Each and every facet of Jessie Ford, I fucking love. And there is not one thing you ever have to do for me, or give to me, or take care of for me, to have that love. Am I making myself clear?”
She nodded, her heart skipping wild in her chest. Tears burned in the back of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. “You love me?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, sweetheart. I do. And it’s okay if that’s overwhelming and you can’t say it back right now. It won’t change how I feel. How I’m pretty sure I’ve always felt about you.”
Jessie’s stomach swooped, Bee taking the opportunity to do a little roll as she gathered the courage to tell Hawk everything he meant to her.
But the words wouldn’t form. So, she did the only thing she could think of at that moment.
Her hands unclasped, reaching up to slide through Hawk’s hair.
And when they reached the back of his head, she pressed a kiss to his lips.
When the kiss ended—after she’d poured her heart and soul and all the words she couldn’t say into it—he moved back, hair tousled and pupils blown wide, and he just smiled at her.
“I love you too,” she whispered.
His hand moved from her thigh up to her belly. “We’ll both show Bee that our love for her will always be there. Constant. Strong. Unwavering.”
“I’m scared I’m not going to be able to juggle it all.
My mom knows that I don’t want to take over the diner.
But what if my family won’t ever forgive me for choosing this…
for choosing us and our little family? I have no idea what I want the future to look like, but I don’t want to ever have to put a business over my daughter. Over our family.”
“You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Thinking about everyone’s needs over your own.
Your mom and dad have people in this community who love them and will also support them.
Dolly would have no problem finding someone to take over for her.
Maybe I could talk to Sebastian and see if he was interested in rolling it into a community revival project fund like he did for Lacy when she started Petals, or your brother with his shop. ”
She shook her head. “Maybe. I just can’t… I want to be everything for everyone. It’s what I’m good at. I want people to know they can count on me.”
“They do, sweetheart. But it’s not your job to make their dreams come true. It’s your job to make sure that your dreams do.” He pressed a kiss into the palm of her hand. “And that’s my job too. Even if I only ever remind you of that from time to time.”
“I’m scared,” she whispered. “I’m so scared I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. That I’m going to be back to the day I found out about the baby, standing in the diner that night, except you don’t walk in. It’s so much easier when I just take care of everything for everyone.”
Hawk sat back and watched her for a minute before nodding. Without saying a word, he stood, scooping Jessie out of the chair and lifting her to rest against his chest.
“Hawk!”
“Shh. I have a response to what you just said… I just think it’ll be easier to deliver when we’re in the tub and I’ve got you cuddled against me.”