Chapter 9 #2
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, as my lips brushed his skin. I kissed his other cheek. “I love you,” I murmured softly in his ear, then kissed his neck, feeling him begin to relax against me. I wrapped my arms around him, yanking him into a tight embrace.
I held him there, not letting go until his arms came up to wrap around me as well.
“You can’t shut me out,” he muttered. “I won’t survive if you shut me out.”
A tad dramatic, but okay.
“I won’t shut you out,” I promised. “But can we please talk about what happened to me today? Because, honestly, I’m kind of scaring myself shitless right now.”
James loosened his grip minimally but didn’t let go. He translated a soft blanket, and jerked me down onto the couch with him and covering us both. I settled against his chest and calmed myself by listening to the rapid thumping of his heart.
“What happened?” he asked more gently.
The words spilled faster than ever. I told him everything—about my nightmares the night before, the thoughts of Coastal and Logan that had fueled my translation, about the blood, the chaos, and how it had spiraled out of control.
I explained my interface and how I’d earned the first Skindo in my class, though it felt hollow compared to the mess I’d created.
And I talked about my insecurities, the fear that I might be losing control.
“My power. I swear, sometimes it’s like it’s too big for me.
As if it’s not entirely me,” I voiced hesitantly.
“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like…
” I trailed off as I searched for the right analogy.
“It’s like constantly trying to fit a gallon of water into a small bottle.
It feels huge, overwhelming, and I don’t know how to handle it. ”
James stayed silent, his fingers stroking through my back as I spoke, the soothing rhythm of his touch grounding me.
“We never really searched for answers after my coma,” I continued, while my thoughts swirled. “Maybe we should. Do you think the Amplifier somehow transferred some of its power into me? Like amplified my energy or something?”
James averted his gaze. “I don’t know.”
Not the answer I was hoping for, but it wasn’t surprising either.
“Why do you think I’m no longer blocked?” I pressed, as I tried to make sense of it all. “Last year, I couldn’t translate unless my life was in danger, and now… Now I’m translating without even thinking about it. It simply happens.”
James didn’t reply right away, and the silence grew heavier. The little voice in the back of my mind—the one that always whispered doubts when I was at my weakest—started making its way into my thoughts again.
I swallowed and forced myself to push back the creeping doubt. If there was anyone at Cyclos I could trust, it was James. I had to trust him.
I sighed deeply, the weight of what I had to say almost too much to bear.
“I know we haven’t talked about this since we got together, but…
” I hesitated, the familiar pit forming in my stomach.
This could ruin everything. “Do you think me forming the True Bond with Julian has anything to do with it?”
James’s entire body went rigid. The shift in him was immediate, his posture stiffening as though my words had struck a nerve. I glanced up at him, and the sight of his hardened expression sent a chill through me. His eyes, filled with that dark rage. Again.
“You haven’t been translating outside the Academy, have you?” he asked through gritted teeth.
I frowned, confusion knitting my brows. “No, I haven’t. You told me not to. Why are you deflecting?”
“I’m not,” he replied, his tone flat, but the lie clear on his face told me otherwise.
“Kind of seems like you are.” I searched his features for any crack in his composure.
Silence stretched between us, thick and suffocating.
“James?” I whispered, my fear creeping into my words. “You don’t know anything about this, do you?”
“No,” he answered, almost too quickly.
I waited for him to relax again, before continuing my line of questioning. “Do you think my issues have to do with my haze being untraceable?”
James froze for a split second, barely noticeable, but I saw it. Then he relaxed, his response calm though tinged with fatigue. “I don’t know, Emma.”
“You’re being cagey,” I bit out, frustration bubbling up. “Why are you being cagey?”
“What?” His voice took on a defensive edge.
“It’s like you’re holding back, so spill it—what do you know?”
“Emma, I’m worn out.” He let out a breath, the fight draining from his posture. “I’ve had a horrible few hours thinking something had happened to you because you weren’t answering me. I’m not being cagey, I’m simply tired. I was worried sick about you and now, I’m drained.”
I stilled, and instant regret washed over me. I hated that I’d made him worry. I hated that he was hurting. But I also hated being made to feel like I was overreacting for wanting answers.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, feeling small, and exhausted by our fight. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s fine,” James said softly, his voice still gentle despite everything. “Do you want to go to sleep?”
I still hadn’t told him about my new ability to heal myself, but for some reason, I wasn’t ready to share that yet. It was too new, too personal, like a secret I felt compelled to keep to myself a little longer.
Plus, my body screamed for rest.
“Yeah,” I whispered, then leaned into him as he pulled me closer, pulling the blanket tighter around us.
For now, I’d keep my secret. Tomorrow could bring more questions, but tonight, I needed to forget—if only for a little while.
We fell asleep like that, holding each other, wrapped in the quiet comfort of shared exhaustion.
The next morning, I woke to the smell of something delicious and the sound of soft humming. My head throbbed, which reminded me of the amount of Scotch I’d consumed the night before. I groaned, then rolled over in the couch, and tried to bury myself in the pillow.
James chuckled from the kitchen, and I squinted at him. “Good morning, sunshine,” he teased, his demeanor far too cheerful for my hungover state. “How’s that head of yours?”
“I think it’s about to split open,” I mumbled, dragging myself upright.
“Yeah, thought so,” he grinned, then waved his hand to translate a strong cup of coffee. “Here, this should help.”
I let out a deep breath, rose to my feet, and walked over to him. I took the cup gratefully and inhaled the bitter aroma before taking a long sip. “You’re a lifesaver,” I muttered.
“Mm-hmm,” he smirked, moving toward the seating area. With a flick of his wrist, breakfast appeared on the counter—eggs, toast, and burgers perfectly laid out. “And that’s why I’m making you breakfast,” he added, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Nothing like greasy food to cure a hangover.”
I beamed up at him. Damn, the guy knew how to make my heart swell. “You know, I might have never loved you more than I do right now.”
He laughed—a deep, rich sound sending warmth flooding through me. It was a laugh he so rarely made, and every time I heard it, I felt like I was catching a glimpse of something precious, something only for me. And I melted, completely undone by him.
James came over to me, leaned down and brushed a soft kiss against my lips. It was supposed to be quick, but I couldn’t help it—his closeness, the scent of him. I pulled him in deeper, kissing him harder, my hands finding their way to his chest as his fingers tangled in my hair.
He pulled back just enough to whisper, “You really should eat first.”
“Shut up,” I murmured, reeling him back in, the kiss heating up again.
But as quickly as the heat flared, reality came crashing back in. I had made my decision and I was counting on him to support it.
I broke away, reluctantly. “James. We need to talk.”
He grabbed my hand and sat down beside me. “What’s on your mind?”
I sucked in air, steadied my nerves, and caressed his palm with my finger. “I’ve been thinking a lot. About my energy, my translation, and the True Bond with Julian.”
His expression shifted subtly, but he stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I want to research it. Properly,” I said, my tone firm.
“I want to know how the hell I survived the Amplifier. I need to understand how I was able to bond with Julian without even wanting it, because I swear I didn’t.
I need to know why my translation is untraceable in the Human World but visible and traceable over here.
Why it feels so big and uncontrollable. Why I was so blocked last year.
There’s so much we don’t know, and I think it’s time I found out. ”
James’s face tightened ever so slightly. “Emma…”
I straightened my spine, already sensing his hesitation. “What? Don’t you think it’s worth looking into? I need answers, James. And I need to learn how to control this shit. I really need your support on this. And your access to the main library, by the way.”
He let go of my hand, then rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding my glare.
“I don’t understand why you’d want to do all of this right now.
You’ve heard there’s a war going on. I know it’s half away around the world, but it’s still my responsibility, and I’m sorry but that’s bigger than your personal struggles right now. ”
I swallowed, forcing the surging feelings of guilt back down. Damn, he was good at summoning those.
“I know it seems selfish of me to be focused on this. But what if I figure out how I survived the Amplifier? Maybe we could somehow use it to our advantage in the war with the Radicals?”
James snorted. “Well, there’s a rationalization if I ever heard one.”
My anger flared. “It’s like you don’t want me to dig too deep into this.”
His jaw clenched but he didn’t dispute it.
“Why not?” My voice sharpened, my frustration bubbling up. “I have the right to know what’s happening to me. Don’t you want to know too?”
“Of course I do,” he said quietly, “but there is such a thing as timing. And this is no priority. At least not for now.”
I stared at him, stunned. Realizing what this meant. “So let me get this straight, if I begin searching for information about myself, you won’t help me?”
He sighed, still refusing to meet my eyes. “It’s not like I don’t want to, Emma. I only think we should focus on other things right now.”
“Other things?!” I nearly shouted, pushing myself off the chair. “This is my life we’re talking about, James. You’re my boyfriend! I should be your priority! How can you be so passive about this?”
“You are my fucking priority,” he barked, standing as well. “I think it’s dangerous to poke around things we know nothing about. You could make it worse! Or have you forgotten about those fucking Radicals abducting you last year?”
I snorted. “Who’s rationalizing now? You just don’t want to be distracted from your Leader-duties!”
“Oh fuck off, Emma. Now you’re looking for reasons to be angry at me.”
I pulled back a little, stunned. It was like talking to a wall.
I curled my hands into fists and tried to push down my surging rage in favor of us having a real conversation.
“James. Listen to me. I need to know what is happening to me. You think I meant to manifest all that blood yesterday? You don’t think it’s worth knowing why my translation is untraceable?
I thought you, of all people, would want to help me. ”
“Emma, I’m trying to protect you!” His voice rose, matching my own. “You’re messing with shit we don’t fully understand. You’re the one who’s scared shitless, remember? You don’t think it’s because there’s a valid reason you should be?”
“And you think ignoring the whole thing is our best solution?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“You’re acting like it!”
We stood there, glaring at each other. My heart pounded in my chest, fury and hurt swirling in a storm of emotion. How could he be so calm, so detached about this?
James exhaled, his features softening. “Emma, I don’t want to lose you to this obsession. I’m scared you’ll get lost in it.”
I blinked, his words hitting me like a slap. “Obsession? I only started asking questions yesterday! How has this suddenly become an ‘obsession’?”
“When you’re already fighting me over it!” he shouted. “Is it more important than what we have?”
What?
How had this become an either-or situation?
“James, how can you even say that?” I shook my head, confusion mixing with anger.
“I’m not choosing one over the other. I’m simply trying to understand myself.
I was a lawyer up until a year ago, remember?
I want to know who I am. But you’re not helping me!
You’re making it seem like I’m alone in this, like you don’t care. ”
His jaw tightened, but he didn’t reply. The silence—the same suffocating one from last night—settled over us again, heavy and oppressive, driving us further apart.
“If you think I don’t care, then you have no idea who I am or what you mean to me,” he said, his tone clipped. “And I think I’ve made that pretty clear.”
Damn it. Why did he always say things that triggered this massive guilt?
“I know who you are, and I know you don’t want me to be alone in this. I know you care,” I started, as I tried to keep my voice steady.
“Good,” he interrupted. “Because you are the most important thing to me in the world.”
I narrowed my eyes, the sting of his earlier outbursts still fresh. “Am I? Because I distinctly remember you biting my head off for pulling you out of a Council meeting.”
James recoiled; disbelief written across his face.
“That’s what’s still on your mind? What the fuck, Emma?
Crown was on the brink of war with Radicals and I was trying to prevent it!
I’m sorry I snapped under the pressure—it was never my intention.
But may I remind you, your temper has a life of its own, too! ”
Well, he had me there.
James shook his head, frustration lining his features. “Let’s talk about something else.”
The huge lump in my throat made it impossible to change the subject. I couldn’t. Not like this. I needed to get out.
“I’m sorry, James,” I said, my hands shaking. “I need some space today. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
His posture stiffened, his rage-haze flaring up. “Really? You’re just going to walk away?”
“Yes, really!” I fired back, my own frustration spilling over. “Before either of us says something we can’t take back. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
And with that, before he could respond, I portaled out, landing in the quiet of my own dorm.