Sin (Purity #4)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

L ily

Night should be my enemy. It’s when I made my worst mistake.

It’s so damn beautiful though. The ocean fog wraps the world in an ethereal haze, and the moonlight shimmers on the dew-soaked grass. What mixture of colors would capture that silvery-purple sparkle? No less than five different paints would do them justice.

How could the world feel so welcoming—so full of mystical possibilities—when my life is unraveling? For the moment, my heart is quiet. Once I enter the sorority house and go up into the bedroom where it all happened six months ago, this peace will vanish into the night. My brain will start humming, growing louder and more frantic until morning finally comes.

I hate that cursed room. I wish I never had to sleep in it again.

I creep toward the side of the house, humiliation clawing at my skin. I’m about to crawl through the window like a thief, just to avoid scrutiny.

I don’t want my sisters to know that I’m out again on a school night. They’ve all been worried about me, especially Kinsley, our sorority mother hen. Apparently, I’ve been “quiet” and “not myself” recently.

I wish I could pretend that I was out at a party or at a friend’s house—like the old Lily would have been—but I don’t have the energy to lie. The truth is I’ve been walking the neighborhood streets of Santa Barbara all alone, hoping to exhaust my brain enough to make it stop spinning.

I am exhausted—bone-deep weary—but I doubt it will help me sleep. I can’t seem to calm my brain after what Mason did to me.

With utmost care, I edge closer to my window, my heart thumping against my ribcage. I cracked it open before I left for my walk just for this moment. The cold metal frame is like ice against my fingertips thanks to the ocean moisture.

Footsteps thump behind me, sending a chill down my spine. When I whip around, a tall, broad-shouldered form looms in the darkness.

“Did you walk home alone?” asks a deep voice.

Goddamn it.

Ethan Harrington. My older brother’s best friend, and more recently, my nemesis. He’s always been a pain in my ass, but it’s become much more frequent now that my bedroom window faces his. This isn’t the first time he’s caught me sneaking home late, though never through my window.

How fucking embarrassing.

“Ethan, if I’d screamed, I could have woken up my whole sorority.” I glance over his shoulder at the Victorian mansion behind him. “Your frat brothers, too.”

He takes a step forward, and the dim lantern casts warm, golden light over his face. God, he’s gorgeous with his strong jaw and wavy hair that’s now tousled from sleep. His thick arms stretch the fabric of his T-shirt, revealing a body sculpted by strength and endurance.

He doesn’t look like this because he spends hours lifting weights out of vanity, like so many gym rats I know. Ethan’s physique has been honed by hours of hard work on the field. As the star wide receiver on the Mission Valley Hawks, he uses his body as a tool.

Somehow, that makes him so much hotter.

Heat creeps into my cheeks. Where the hell are these horny thoughts coming from? I must be exhausted. Ethan’s athleticism has never turned me on before. It’s a sign of how all he ever does is work. He wouldn’t recognize fun if it gave him a lap dance. All he cares about is football and God, like the perfect golden boy he is.

“Answer my question,” Ethan says. “Did you walk all the way home from the bars by yourself?”

He always assumes my late-night wandering is a trip home from the bars, because that’s exactly what the old Lily would be doing. Ethan clocked me as reckless and immature the moment my brother, Noah, introduced us during my first week at Mission Hills University over two years ago.

In those early months of freshman year, I spent too much time with him and Noah—following them to parties and joining their group hangouts. It didn’t take long for me to find my own group of friends, but those first few months of following Noah around must have left a lasting impression on Ethan.

He can’t stand me, and he makes it brazenly obvious whenever I’m in his presence.

“I stayed on well-lit streets,” I say.

He shakes his head. “Stupid.”

His high-handedness sparks a fire within me. My first pleasant feeling since I started creeping around my own house like a criminal. Good boy Ethan thinks I’m much wilder than I really am, and one of my favorite ways to tease him is to lean into his misconception.

I shoot him a cheeky smile. “I needed to walk off my soreness. I just left an orgy. They were big guys, too. Very well-endowed.” I gesture with my hands a penis size far too large for any human man.

Ethan’s eyelids flutter closed, and he inhales a shaky breath, as if he’s straining for control. “If they were that well-endowed, I’m surprised you’re still in one piece.”

I suck in my lips to fight a smile. I wasn’t expecting him to play along with me. “They had to warm me up first,” I say. “Lots of foreplay and?—”

“Okay.” He lifts a hand. “No more about your non-existent orgy. I don’t need to know where you were, but you do need to stop doing this. Promise me in the future, you won’t walk home alone at night.”

I let out a long sigh. I can’t make a promise like that. Wandering the streets at night is the only thing that stops my brain from buzzing. It might not exhaust me enough to sleep, but it’s far more pleasant than lying restlessly in that bed.

“No, I can’t,” I say firmly.

Ethan’s jaw clenches. “Then how about you stop partying on weeknights? I already know…” His lips purse. “Noah told me you’ve been struggling in school lately.”

A wave of irritation ripples over my skin. I know that Noah has been worried about me since my grades started dropping, but how dare he talk to Ethan about it?

Ethan is the last person in the world I want to see my struggles. He’s too damn perfect—a star athlete with excellent grades, and most annoying of all, a devout Christian who made a chastity pledge. Practically a celebrity on campus, he has hundreds of women throwing themselves at him, but he’s saving himself for his future wife, whoever she might be. His perfect, gorgeous, and chaste future wife. A woman who would never date a man like Mason. Never let a man like him come into her bedroom and…

I’m spiraling. I did nothing wrong that night. And why the hell am I comparing myself to Ethan’s faceless future wife? She’ll be boring and straitlaced, just like him. I don’t envy her at all. All his gorgeousness can’t make up for how insufferable he is .

I let out a sigh. “Of course you brought up my bad grades. You’re my reliable joy vacuum. You saw me coming home and figured I had a wild night. So you had to rush out here and suck up all the good vibes before I go to bed.”

Ethan stares at me, his eyes locking onto mine. There’s a flicker of something in his gaze, and the corners of his mouth twitch, as if he’s fighting to keep a straight face.

My God, is Ethan holding back laughter? How unlike him. He generally rolls his eyes at the numerous nicknames I’ve called him over the years.

“Your joy vacuum,” he mutters almost to himself. “I like that better than Grumplestiltskin. It’s almost…poetically mean. Like you spent hours trying to figure out the biggest insecurity of an overachiever like me, and once you figured it out, you went straight for the heart.”

My skin prickles. Insecurity? Ethan doesn’t understand the meaning of the word. Self-doubt doesn’t exist in his world. Confidence is his default setting, because life has never given him a reason to feel otherwise.

“I wasn’t trying to be mean,” I say, softening my voice. “I’m just tired of being reminded about my grades. I get it enough from Noah.”

Ethan takes a step in my direction. “He’s worried about you. I am too.”

I snort. “Don’t pretend like you care about me. You just enjoy bossing me around.”

“When have I ever…” He shuts his eyes, inhaling a shaky breath. He can’t even try to refute what I said, because he’s too principled to tell a lie.

Ethan is bossy. He’s even more overbearing and protective than Noah. Over the years, whenever we’ve been at the same party—which is often since we’re both in the Greek scene—Ethan has inevitably stepped in and ruined my fun, especially when I’m with guys.

It’s like he has a sixth sense for when I’m starting to enjoy myself. I’ll be talking to someone, maybe even flirting a little, and then suddenly, there he is, his presence a dark cloud over my evening.

“I’m sorry if I haven’t been good at showing it,” Ethan says, “but I do care about you.”

Right. He cares about me the way he would a distant family member he can’t stand.

Ethan’s gaze flickers over my shoulder. “Were you planning to climb through the window?”

My skin prickles. “I don’t want to wake the house.”

His eyes narrow. “I see lights on. I don’t think they’re all asleep.”

How can I explain my behavior? I hardly understand it myself. Why do I need to keep it a secret that I stay out late every night? My sorority sisters can’t see the turmoil inside me. Just because I’ve been acting differently lately doesn’t mean they’ll jump to the conclusion that I’m broken inside.

I’m not broken inside, and yet I want to hide.

“I’ve been stressed lately,” I say. “I go out at night to clear my head. I’d rather not have the whole house know my business.”

He scoffs. “You’re stressed out about your grades, so you deal with it by partying. Great way to cope. You’ll be off academic probation in no time.”

Heat rushes through my veins, making my jaw clench. How dare he judge me when he has no idea what I’ve been through?

“Great talk, Ethan,” I clip out. “I feel so much better. Really energized to turn my grades around. Now please leave.” I point to his frat house.

His stern expression falters. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was…judgmental.”

I shrug. “It’s okay. Making me feel bad is your one job as my joy vacuum. Well, you’ve succeeded. I feel like shit. You can go now.”

His face falls. “I really wasn’t trying to make you feel like shit. I’m sorry.”

I wave a hand. “Then make me feel better by leaving.”

He stares at me for a long moment. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re safe inside that house.”

I laugh humorlessly. Just what I need. Ethan watching me clumsily hoisting myself through that window. As if I’m not embarrassed enough for planning to climb through it in the first place.

“No,” I say. “I want you to leave.”

His eyes grow hesitant for a moment—just a flash—but then he takes a few steps back and onto the side yard of the frat house. “I’m just getting some air,” he says with a smirk. “Carry on with your business.”

I roll my eyes dramatically. Fuck, he’s the worst. So smug and self-righteous. He thinks it’s his duty as Noah’s best friend to make sure I’m safe, and he doesn’t give a damn about my feelings.

In a snap decision, I march forward until I’m inches away from him. His head jerks back in surprise, but I don’t let it deter me. I grab his shoulders and shove him in the direction of the front porch of his frat house. He doesn’t budge, so I press harder, to no avail. “Go. Now.”

His dark-blue eyes grow huge. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I want you to leave.”

“Why do you even care if I watch you go inside? I already know you’re planning to crawl through the window.”

I keep pressing against his shoulders, but he stands firm. When I use all my body weight to shove him, my feet slide back on the damp lawn. Damn, he’s built like an ox.

“You’re acting insane,” he says. “Calm down.”

Insane. Calm down . Such simple words, and yet they hit me in the chest like hailstones. Didn’t Mason say something similar the morning after it all happened?

“You’re acting crazy, Lily,” he’d said.

I lift a hand high in the air, aiming it in the direction of Ethan’s face.

His eyes grow impossibly huge as he grabs my wrist. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I hate you,” I say through clenched teeth.

Except I don’t hate him. Why am I taking my rage against Mason out on Ethan? Is it because Mason is Ethan’s teammate and Noah’s roommate? Do I subconsciously blame them for not knowing the truth about him?

Crazy. I haven’t told anyone what he did for a reason. I want to forget it all.

Ethan’s eyes flash as he grips my wrist tighter. “You hate me because I want to make sure you’re safe?”

I raise my chin, searching my brain for any excuse to explain my odd behavior. “You want to watch me crawl through that window so you can delight in how perfect your life is compared to mine.”

Anger fills his eyes. Shit, I must have hit a nerve, and I wasn’t even trying to.

Ethan yanks me against his hard chest, sending a jolt of shock through my veins. The air between us changes in an instant, crackling with electricity. His eyes settle on my mouth.

My head grows fuzzy. What is happening?

The thumping of his heart pulses against my chest, and my anger evaporates into the night. The warmth and hardness of his body makes heat pool in my belly.

No. I’m not attracted to Ethan. He’s not attracted to me. We can’t stand each other.

Then why are his eyes glazed and hooded as he stares at my mouth, like he’s been drugged?

“Lily,” he mutters before crashing his lips against mine.