Chapter 3
Chapter Three
E than
I shove my practice jersey into my duffel bag with more force than necessary. I worked myself to death during the four-quarters drill. Punishment for my insane behavior last night.
I can still taste her mouth now… Sweet with a hint of mint. Soft and warm.
Delicious.
That small kiss had filled me with a need more potent than anything I’ve ever known. I wanted to bury myself inside her. Plunder her like a barbarian. My cock was as hard as a rock when I made it back to my bedroom.
What the hell is happening to me? I’ve only kissed two other women in my life, and never with as much abandoned intensity. I was so consumed by the pleasure, I don’t think I remembered my own name, let alone my plan to stay pure until marriage.
The part that makes no sense is that I’ve never wanted Lily this way. She drives me insane.
Sure, I’ve had a few sexual thoughts about her over the years. Natural considering how beautiful she is with those bright-gray eyes and fiery-red hair. But I never indulge the fantasies. She’s off-limits as Noah’s little sister.
What would he think if he knew what I did last night? He hated Mason for pursuing Lily. Told him from the very beginning that he doesn’t want his teammates dating his sister. It complicates things, he’d said. Creates strain on the team if the relationship goes sour.
I’m so much more than Noah’s teammate. I’m his best friend. It ought to be a given that I’d never take advantage of his sister during a vulnerable moment.
And she was vulnerable last night. Even in her anger, I sensed something under the surface of her usual sass. She was troubled.
Instead of giving her comfort, I acted like a dick, refusing to leave when she’d asked me.
It was a mistake. That kiss never would have happened if I had just minded my damn business like she practically commanded me to do.
“Are you going to Devon’s party tomorrow night?” Noah asks, pulling me out of my head.
“Probably not,” I say, straining to keep my voice even. I don’t want him to sense my guilt. “Being around a bunch of drunk people isn’t as fun as it used to be.”
He pulls his clean shirt over his head. “I don’t know how it was ever fun. I can never be sober around drunk people. Your self-control is crazy.” He smiles. “Probably why you’re better at football than me.”
I smirk. “Or maybe I’m more naturally talented.”
“No way. I don’t believe in that. That’s fixed mindset. It’s all about hard work.”
He might be right. I’ve spent the last three years devoting myself to becoming better. Never slacking during practice. Keeping razor-sharp focus during games, which means getting plenty of sleep and spreading out my homework and studying throughout the week. I never cram.
Somehow, I’ve managed to keep a 3.8 GPA even with the distraction of football. My dream is to get into the NFL, but there are no guarantees. I’m not the most physically talented wide receiver. A stroke of luck last year determined my NFL potential. A scout happened to see me because he attended the game for another player.
God is calling me to be my best possible self. I know it, though I’ve never heard his voice directly. My fluke success in football has to be a sign of some kind. Though it might be a worldly pursuit, it’ll put me in a position of influence, where I can do so much good in the world.
If only I felt like a better Christian now. I try so hard to make all the right choices, and yet I’m always falling short.
Like I did last night with Lily.
The murmur of conversations fade as Noah and I stride out of the locker room and into the dimming evening. Noah’s phone rings over the sound of crunching gravel under our feet.
He takes one look at the screen before silencing the ring. “It’s my mom. Probably calling me about something that could be answered in a single text.”
I smile, though it takes effort. Acting normal with him is almost as grueling as the conditioning drills we just finished. “My mom does it too, but I look at it as just one thing off my to-do list. It saves me time. She expects at least one phone call a week.”
He pats my back. “You have lists for everything. Weekly calls with your mom, workouts, your protein intake.” He laughs. “Even your Bible reading and church attendance.”
I snort. “It won’t get done otherwise.”
“I doubt that. You keep lists to prove to yourself how much your life is optimized.”
The word “optimized” makes me want to cringe. Something about it feels so…lifeless. It implies a kind of sterile efficiency meant for machines.
Lily would love that, wouldn’t she ? “It all makes sense, Ethan,” she’d say if she were here right now. “You have no personality because you’re secretly a robot.”
A smile rises to my lips. I’ve never met anyone else who could tease me so mercilessly. I don’t have a warm personality, and I’m a big guy. I assume that most people are at least a little intimidated by me. Not her. She’s fearless, and it’s fucking adorable.
“I wish Lily could take up list-making,” Noah says, making me jump.
Holy shit, what am I doing thinking Lily is adorable? Sure, I’m attracted to her physically, but she’s a menace. A giant pain in my ass. When she moved into the Alpha Theta Kappa house her sophomore year, Noah asked me to look out for her. I took that commitment seriously, and that girl is always out partying.
What is she doing, and who is she with, especially these last six months? I wish the thought didn’t haunt me, but she’s been so aloof and secretive. Is there some guy she’s seeing that she doesn’t want to tell anyone about? Maybe because he’s older or married? My chest grows tight, and I clench my hands into fists at my side.
“Her grades are getting worse and worse,” Noah says. “I don’t think she’s doing any studying.”
I shrug. “She’s probably going through something. She seems… I don’t know, distant, I guess.”
His dark eyes probe into mine. “You’ve noticed that too. I think something happened with Mason. Maybe… Do you think she was more into him than she let on, and their breakup really got to her?”
A prickling heat spreads over my skin. I can’t stand the thought of Lily pining for Mason. I hated it when she started dating him, probably even more than Noah did. I could barely stomach seeing them together. Any time Mason had his hands on her, I wanted to yank him away from her.
I told myself it was because I’m protective of her, and Mason is a prick. A mediocre quarterback with a chip on his shoulder. He knows he’s not NFL material, but it never seemed to bother him until I started excelling. Once I gained the attention of scouts, he started acting like a jealous, petty rival when we should be focused on winning games.
But somehow, after last night, that doesn’t feel like the whole reason. Could I have some kind of repressed attraction to her? My older brother, Brandon, and his wife, Mariana, have been teasing me for years that I do, because I’ve complained about her so much.
If I do have some kind of twisted crush, it’s not very strong. I’ve always had razor-sharp clarity about the things I want, and I don’t want her. Even if she weren’t off-limits.
“Fuck Mason,” Noah says. “I knew he was into her, and I told him to stay away. Now look what happened. Lily barely talks to me, and he’s acting like an even bigger dick to me than usual.” He scoffs. “He’s a dick to you, too. And you’re the most important man on the team. We can’t win without you.”
I shrug. “He’s a quarterback with a noodle arm who can’t read a defense, so he wasn’t helping me out much even before he started acting like a dick.”
Noah grins, patting me on the back. “God, you’re the best. I feel so much better about the fact that he slept with my sister.” He winces. “God, I wish I hadn’t said that. I don’t even want to think about it.”
I grit my teeth as my gut twists. I don’t want to think about it either.
“Anyways,” Noah says, “I’m not letting this Lily thing go. In fact, I’m planning an intervention.”
I frown. “What do you mean an intervention?”
His jaw hardens. “I mean, she has to turn things around if she doesn’t want to get kicked out of college. I was thinking of finding her an accountability partner. Kind of like a coach. Someone who can motivate her, help her set goals, and make sure she meets her deadlines.”
My bafflement expands like a balloon. “You think Lily would agree to that?”
“Nope.” His smile doesn’t meet his eyes. “But I ran my plan by my parents, and they both agree with me that something drastic needs to happen. They said they won’t pay her sorority dues next quarter if she doesn’t turn her grades around. Tough love, you know? And they’re putting me in charge.”
I run my fingers through my hair, which is still damp from the shower. “Lily’s not going to like that.”
He scoffs. “Of course she won’t, but it’s for her own good.”
“So you’re going to become her accountability partner? I don’t think?—”
“No,” he says, his gaze falling to the concrete. He shuffles his feet before lifting his head and meeting my eyes. Something about the look on his face makes the hairs on my arm stand up. “I think it needs to be you.”
Anxiety grips my chest. “No.”
His face falls. “Look, I know you’re super busy, but I can’t be the one to do this. She won’t listen to me.”
“She won’t listen to me, either.”
“She will. Once she gets over the fact that this is happening, she’ll start listening. It can’t be me. I’m too involved. Too frustrated with her to be objective. Besides, you’re a way better student than me. She could really learn from you.”
Why is my pulse hammering against my throat? I’m not going to do this.
I can’t be around Lily more than I already am. Simply moving into my new room with a window facing hers has wreaked havoc on my equilibrium. Her presence draws my eyes like a magnet. Sometimes, I’ll sense her nearby without hearing her voice or catching sight of that fiery red hair. My gaze drifts to the window, and there she is.
Besides, Noah wouldn’t be asking me to do this if he knew I kissed her last night.
I should tell him. He wouldn’t press me to become her accountability partner if he knew, and I can explain that the kiss was only a strange impulse, something I don’t fully understand. As long as I keep my distance from her, it’ll never happen again.
I open my mouth, but the words don’t come.
I can’t tell him.
He wouldn’t even recognize me. I’m his steady, principled friend who plans to save himself for his future wife, a woman he hasn’t even met yet. Noah knows I’ve only kissed two women in my whole life.
Noah takes a step closer, his expression growing grave. “This is a huge favor, and I’m not asking for it lightly. I’m…” He shuts his eyes. “I’m really worried about her.”
My gut sinks like a stone. If I’m not going to tell him what happened, how can I say no? He doesn’t ask favors of me very often, especially when they involve an extended time commitment. He knows how rigid I am about my routines.
He needs me.
And if I’m being honest with myself about my vow never to kiss Lily again, what is the danger in saying yes?
“I’ll think about it,” I say.
The smile that spreads over his face makes me want to wince. I haven’t even agreed to it yet, but he knows me well. I’m not the type of person who raises the expectations of friends who need me, only to dash their hopes later. I’m as good as committed.
I’ll have to be creative if I want to get out of this.
“Thank you,” he says. “I really think you’re the best person to help her.” His lips quirk. “You’re definitely the only straight man I’d trust not to come on to her. I guess it’s a good thing you both can’t stand each other.”
I force a smile. Can’t stand her. Even twenty-four hours ago, I would have heartily agreed with him. How could that kiss have changed everything?