Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
E than
Morning sunlight brushes over her face, casting streaks of shadows from her lashes over her cheekbones. That bright-red hair fans out over the pillow. Her lips are slightly parted, pink, and a little swollen from my kisses.
She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and she’s mine.
A buzzing energy courses through my veins, almost like a high. I haven’t slept a wink. This is maybe the first time since I was a kid that I stayed up all night.
I understand now how people become addicted to sex. The fireworks of pumping and exploding inside of her were exquisite enough, but the heady possessiveness that settled over me afterward was much longer lasting.
She belongs to me.
Only me.
And where is the guilt? I thought for sure it would settle in after the euphoria of coming inside her faded. Yet, I haven’t felt even a twinge of it yet.
It’s as if God has disappeared.
I clench my jaw. If he refuses to reach out to me, I won’t cry about it. I’ve called out to him so many times over the years, begged for his comfort. All he ever gave me was a deep, unshakable guilt, an ever-present reminder of my unworthiness.
God, if you want me to give up the paradise on earth I’ve found, you need to try a little harder. Show me your unconditional love and forgiveness. Until you do…
I’m going to savor every precious moment with Lily.
I reach out and rub my thumb along her full bottom lip. God, she’s gorgeous. What would it be like to wake up to this every day?
I never understood the phrase “heaven on earth” until now. This girl has shattered everything I thought I knew. Fucking her brought me into a realm of quiet wonder and profound peace.
Why have I only ever felt it with her? It’s the kind of experience that should only come from God. Or so I always believed.
It doesn’t make sense that sin could feel so…freeing.
I lean down, my lips finding the warmth of her skin. I trace the line of her shoulder with gentle kisses. She stirs underneath me, a soft moan escaping her lips.
A delicious sound.
“Lily,” I whisper against her neck, “you have class in an hour.”
Her body stiffens, and she bolts upright, her body jarring into my face.
I put my hand over my nose. “Ow,” I say, but it doesn’t hurt.
Nothing could hurt me in the state I’m in. It’s as if I have opium pumping through my veins.
“It’s Thursday.” Her voice thick with sleep. “Your political theory class is before mine.”
“I missed it,” I say.
Her expression changes from sleepy to incredulous. “You missed a class?”
I smile at her shock. “It was just a Q and A session for an exam.”
She continues to frown at me. “You ditched?”
“I lost my virginity last night. Isn’t that even more out of character for me than skipping a single class?”
Her eyes grow unfocused, as if she’s drifting into a daze. “It is,” she mutters. “Do you feel terrible?”
“No,” I say immediately. “I feel great.”
She blinks several times, and I stroke the soft strands of hair at her temple. I stare into her stormy-gray eyes, wishing she could see my soul in mine. I want her to know how much I meant what I said.
I don’t regret what I did. It’s up to God now. I’m playing chicken with him. It’s his turn to strike back. He has to fill my heart with guilt before I’ll give this up.
He will, eventually. It’s inevitable.
But for now, I’m giving in to bliss.
“Why don’t you skip class?” I ask. “Let’s go do something.”
A saucy smile tugs at her lips. “Does it involve a bed?”
My gut clenches as I press a soft kiss against her jawline. “Later. I don’t want to wear you out. Let’s go to the beach or something. I’ll need you fully recovered before tonight.”
She’s quiet for a long while. Her gray eyes darting back and forth as if she’s lost in thought. “Ethan…”
“What?” I ask, anxiety gripping my chest.
“Last night was magical,” she says, “but I’m worried about you.”
I release the breath I was holding. “Why are you worried about me?”
She lifts her hand and strokes my hair, and I lean into the touch. “This isn’t like you,” she says. “You’ve had women throwing themselves at you for years. I’ve seen it at parties. You’ve never seemed to have any trouble…keeping your chastity pledge. You threw it all away for me, and now you don’t feel bad about it?”
Because I’m falling for you, Lily.
Fuck, I can’t say it, even though I’m dying to know if she feels the same way. I can’t make any declarations that might promise a future. It sure feels like God abandoned me today, but what if he fills my heart with guilt tomorrow?
I’m lost at sea, my faith as elusive as the stars behind the clouds.
And I can’t bring myself to care.
I poke the tip of her nose with my finger. She has such a cute nose, just like the rest of her. “I don’t know why I don’t feel bad,” I say, “but I’m living in the moment for once. Something that’s easy for my sassy girl, so can you indulge me?”
“Yes,” she mutters. “For now.”
I don’t like the sound of “for now” on her lips. I want her to tell me that she’s mine forever. I want to be the one she leans on, the one she trusts, the one she can’t imagine her life without.
It’s crazy. She doesn’t even want to get married. That alone should be my sign from God that Lily and I are doomed.
“Great,” I say to clear my head. “Let’s go to the beach.”
She sighs. “Well, I’ll be skipping painting studio, and I need to get something done. Why don’t you let me sketch you?” Her smile grows mischievous. “I can make you the subject of my final project. My classmates will recognize you, and they’ll think I’ve become one of Ethan Harrington’s many groupies. They’ll pity me, thinking I could never land the golden boy. Oh God, I love it.”
Warmth spreads through my chest. Fuck, she’s adorable. I love how unselfconsciously silly she is. “I can’t imagine loving being the subject of ridicule, but I’m happy to lend myself to your cause.”
“I love it because we’re keeping a secret.” A wicked glint appears in her eyes. “It’s like we have our own little world, just the two of us. No one else gets to see this side of you. Just me.”
Possessiveness crashes over me like a tidal wave. Maybe she does feel the same way I do.
She’s mine. Only mine.
And I belong to her.
“Right there, Ethan. Perfect.”
Lily’s eyes sparkle as she takes out a notebook from her woven bag. She’s been in her element since we started scouting locations for her sketches. I’ve never seen her so serious, so authoritative. When I plop down on the sand, her gaze narrows on my face. She sets the charcoal pencil to paper.
She moves quickly, each stroke on the pad fluid and featherlight. Her brow pinches ever so slightly as she glances back and forth between me and the paper. Whenever she looks at my face, her gaze is so intent, so probing, it makes my cock stir.
“Fuck, Lily. I don’t think I can sit like this for long with you staring at me. I want to throw you back on the sand and have my way with you.”
She frowns, picks up a scoop of sand, and tosses it in my direction. “You’re insatiable. I’m actually sore from last night.”
My pulse starts to pound. “Oh shit, really? I didn’t mean to… You should have told me. I wouldn’t have kept going if I knew?—”
“Stop, Ethan.” She rolls her eyes. “You’re the sweetest, most considerate man I’ve ever met. I am sore, but it’s not a bad thing. In fact, it turns me on. Especially the pain on my ass. It reminds me of everything we did last night.”
Electricity shoots into my gut as visceral memories flood through my senses—the slapping sound of her skin as she bounced on my lap, the sight of her plump ass red with the print of my hand.
Fuck, I want her now.
“You’re looking at me like you’re ready to eat me,” she says.
I groan. “I am ready to eat you. It sucks having to just sit here and not touch you. How about we take a quick break?” I pat my thigh. “I only need a few kisses. Maybe somewhere a little more exotic than your pretty mouth…”
She laughs, and it’s a sweet musical sound. “I can’t believe you. We’re in public.”
I glance over my shoulder at the beach. A lone jogger strides across the wet sand near the water. “We’re alone. Mostly.”
She shakes her head, sketching what looks like the shape of my jaw. “I’m a bad influence on you. You’re becoming a degenerate. Imagine what would happen if we were caught having sex in public. It would probably end up on the news.”
I shake my head. “I’m too competitive. I’d make it my mission to make you come without getting caught.”
Her eyes grow huge. “Stop. I need to get this sketch done. It’s technically your job to help me improve my grades, Mr. Harrington. What would Noah think if he knew my accountability partner fucked my brains out last night?” She winces. “Sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel guilty.”
Strangely, she didn’t. Not only has God abandoned me, but so has my loyalty to Noah.
I don’t even know myself.
“ I don’t feel guilty, by the way,” Lily says. “Noah’s rule that no teammates can touch his sister is gross. It feels like you were always meant to touch me.”
“Me too. Somehow it feels like…” I twist around and stare out at the ocean. The afternoon sun is like diamonds over the water. A deep, soothing tranquility settles over me. “I don’t know. I wanted you for years, and now…all is finally right with the world. Does that make any sense?”
Her pencil drops to the sand. When I glance up, her gray eyes are fixed on my face. “What do you mean years ?” Her voice is quiet.
I frown. Is it really so surprising to her after everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours?
“I wanted you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I didn’t understand it fully—or maybe I was just in deep denial. But a part of me always knew. I think that’s why I’ve been so protective but distant at the same time. You were off-limits as Noah’s little sister, and…it’s uncomfortable wanting something you can’t have.”
Her dazed expression makes me chuckle. “Why do you seem so shocked? My brother and sister-in-law have been making fun of me for years over you. They knew I wanted you before I did.”
She gasps. “So you… You talked about me to them?”
“I did. I told my whole family you needed God. I was a self-righteous prick. That’s why I practically forced you to come to Thanksgiving last year even when you said you were just fine spending it with a few of your sorority sisters who didn’t go home.” I laugh humorlessly. “I was trying to show you God’s love.”
Fuck, I was so stupid. The truth is I’ve never met anyone who needs God less than Lily. She’s so free, not bound by guilt or fear like I’ve been my whole life.
She laughs. “Showing me God’s love by basically demanding I spend Thanksgiving with your family. You’re adorable, Ethan.”
The tension leaves my shoulders in an instant. I love how accepting she is of my flaws. I’ve never felt as comfortable in my own skin as when I’m around her.
“I was deluding myself,” I say. “I told myself you needed to be saved by God because it gave me an excuse to keep guys away from you when I got jealous.” I smile ruefully. “I was saving you on God’s behalf.”
“You kind of hinted at that, but I never knew.” Her expression grows thoughtful. “When were you jealous?”
I scoff. “Millions of times. Do you remember that night you had three guys surrounding you at a bar, and I had Brandon pretend to be your boyfriend to get you away from them?”
She laughs. “Three guys? You’re remembering it wrong. I’m pretty sure it was only one. You always seemed to think I was a much bigger partier than I really was.”
I snort. “It was absolutely three guys. Trust me. I was the jealous one. Anyway, one of them made you laugh. It was so loud I heard it from across the restaurant. I knew it was you before I even saw your face. No one else has that laugh. It’s so…uninhibited. I had to get those guys away from you. I think it was because…” My eyes lock onto hers. “I wanted that laughter to belong to me. I wanted you to be mine, even though I didn’t know it yet.”
She swallows. “Ethan, what does this mean?”
My chest fills with a delicious warmth. Is she asking what I think she is? Does she want to belong to me as much as I want to belong to her?
I can’t tell her the truth—that right now, I’d sacrifice anything to keep her. Anything.
Eventually, the guilt will have to settle in—the conviction that I’ve crossed a line and have to repent. There’s no way it won’t. I’ve betrayed my best friend and all my values. I’ve betrayed my future wife.
I want my future wife to be Lily, goddamn it. In the moment, it feels like I could commit murder to make it happen.
But that’s not what she wants. Marriage isn’t for her.
I refuse to try to change her. She’s perfect just as she is.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you a better answer than that.”
She nods slowly, her gaze fixed on her sketch. “Do you mind if we…” She rubs her hand across her forehead, creating a gray smudge from the charcoal on her fingers. “I’m getting a bit of a headache.”
My stomach drops. “Are you upset about what I just said?”
“No. I know having sex for the first time was a big deal for you. I don’t expect you to understand what it all means right away. I’m honestly not feeling great. I think maybe I’ve had too much sun.”
I look at her closely, my skepticism growing. Her cheeks are flushed, and there’s a slight glaze to her eyes that wasn’t there before. “Too much sun?” I ask. “It’s not that hot.”
She shakes her head. “I think I’m just tired. You have practice this afternoon, right? I’ll take a nap while you’re gone.” She smiles lazily. “Then I’ll be rested for tonight.”
Heat shoots into my gut. “Tonight is too far away. Can you make time move faster?”