Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
E than
She stirs in her sleep, flipping from side to side like a flag fluttering in a storm.
She’s been doing that all night long, and I’ve barely slept a wink. My eyes are as dry as sandpaper. Three times now, she’s bolted up in bed and muttered nonsense into the dark room. Each time, I coaxed her to drink water before tucking her back in bed.
I don’t mind it at all. After the doctor assured me that nothing is seriously wrong with her, it became my pleasure to take care of her. It feels like my job, and my job alone, like this intimate side of her belongs to only me.
She’s mine.
At least for now.
All night, I’ve been torn by two needs. I have to make sure she’s alright. I don’t think Lily would be very diligent about following doctor’s orders given her spontaneous personality. How many times did she dismiss being sick in the first place?
But a deeper, more melancholy part of me is possessed by the selfish craving to etch every detail of her face into my memory.
I don’t know when the guilt will come. It hovers in the distance like a specter, haunting the edges of my consciousness.
I don’t want this to end. Fuck, I want to die at the thought alone.
I’ve always been taught that sin is deceitful. It lures you away from the light by seducing you with empty promises. Guilt has never failed to tug at my heart whenever I’d done something wrong.
But this thing with Lily doesn’t feel wrong. It feels like I’ve finally found the path to my true home.
Lily’s head lolls in my direction. Her brow is furrowed, and I brush my thumb across it before setting my hand on her chest. The gentle rise and fall of her breathing is a balm to my restless nerves. I think she’s getting better.
She stirs again. “Wh-what time is it?” Her voice is a raspy whisper.
“I think it’s around three,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
Beneath the faint glow of the streetlights seeping through the window, she blinks slowly, her dazed expression ebbing away. “I think…my fever’s gone.”
“Really?” I press my palm against her forehead, and a smile lifts my lips. She’s cool under my touch. “I think you’re right. Your fever broke.”
“Thank God,” she mumbles. “Now you’ll stop harassing me to drink water.”
Calm floods every part of me. That was my sassy girl speaking just now. Her voice was clear and cutting, so unlike the delirious, incoherent ridicule she’s been throwing at me all night.
The idea of her being anything less than her fiery self clawed at my insides.
“Right,” I say. “I’m not trying to make sure you get better. I’m vacuuming up your joy.”
She snorts and then winces, setting her hand on her forehead. “My head feels like an elephant sat on it. But overall I feel much better.”
“Sleep,” I command.
She wrinkles her nose. “Bossy.”
“Always.”
“I’m not tired…” she mumbles, but her voice drifts off at the end as if she’s already falling asleep. I smile. She’s so damn stubborn, and I love it.
I feel like I love her, but how could I if this is really a sin? Just two weeks ago, I knew in my soul that I was meant to save myself for my future wife.
Is it her, God? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? The thought sends a surge of possessive heat through my whole body.
Fuck, I want it to be true, but it’s insane. Lily doesn’t want to get married. She views the whole institution of marriage as a loss of freedom for women.
I could never cage her. I would rather stand in awe of her from the sidelines than risk extinguishing her flame.
The thought that she might be my future wife is probably just my tired, aching heart trying to convince myself that I’ve done nothing wrong. Didn’t my dad do the same thing? When he left my mom, he told her it was because he fell in love. That God finally brought him his soulmate. The only wrong thing about it was the timing.
I think he believed his own lies. He used them as a shield against his sin.
I always believed I was stronger than my dad. I can own my mistakes. I don’t need to delude myself to be okay with my actions.
Yet here I am feeling the same pull. Maybe I’m just as vulnerable, seeking justification where there is none. Am I really following my heart, or am I repeating his mistakes, trying to justify my actions and escape the guilt in the same way?
Lily shifts again, and the sheets rustle softly against my skin. “I can’t sleep unless you’re holding me,” she mutters.
My body tenses. “I can’t. If I hold you, I’ll want more. You need your rest.”
She smiles lazily. “A quickie might help me sleep better.”
“No.” My voice is hoarse with temptation. “You’ve been tossing and turning all night. You need real sleep now.”
She sets her hand on my belly, trailing it downward. “Come on, big guy. Give me that cock.”
My need for her ignites within my body like embers flaring to life. With a groan, I roll on top of her. I capture her lips with mine, kissing her with a searing intensity. For all I know, this may be one of my last chances before my sin finally catches up with me.
I’m going to make it count.
As quickly as I can, I free my cock and yank down her panties, not bothering to pull them all the way off. I find her clit so I can ready her for me. Fuck, I need to be inside her soon.
If I could, I would live inside her for the uncertain time we have left. Eventually, God is going to fill my heart with guilt. I don’t know why he’s taking so long, but I know he’s hovering at the edges of my consciousness, waiting to strike.
When I rub her clit in a rapid up-and-down motion, she hums, wiggling her hips. I lower my mouth to her ear. “Good girl. Take what you want from me.”
She whimpers as she grinds herself against my hand. Within seconds, a delightful moisture gathers between her thighs. I caress my fingers through it, enjoying the juicy sound it makes.
I position myself at her entrance and look into her eyes. “I’ll try to be gentle, sassy girl. I don’t want to wear you out.”
She places her hand on my cheek. “You don’t have to,” she rasps. “Your sassy girl likes it rough, even when she’s sick.”
I push deep inside her, hissing as she clasps around me. Fuck, she’s so tight and hot.
Perfect.
“Yes,” I growl. “You’re my sassy girl. Mine.”
“Yours,” she says on an exhale, digging her fingers into my shoulders.
Our bodies move in sync, as if we were born joined together. Each thrust is met with a moan. Sweat beads on my forehead as we grind against each other.
The room fills with the sounds of slapping skin and gasps. An overwhelming need consumes my body.
“Tell me you belong to me,” I command, trying to quench the ache.
Her eyes are glazed. “I’m yours.”
It’s not enough.
It could never be enough.
I wrap my arms around her and lift us both to a sitting position. Her pussy clenches around my cock as a distant voice in my head tells me I’m working her too hard. That I should let her rest with her back on the bed while I bring her to completion.
But I need more.
So much more.
I bounce her on my lap, sending a bolt of electricity into my gut.
“Oh God.” Her eyes roll back into her head. “That’s good.”
Her nails dig into my shoulders as I move my hips relentlessly. She starts to contract around my cock, gripping me in her delicious heat.
“Say my name when you come,” I demand, thrusting deeper inside her.
“Ethan,” she whimpers, and her eyelids flutter closed. She cries out, and I wish I could drink in the sound. Weave it into the fabric of my soul.
A dazzling clarity sparks inside my heart. In my relentless search for God all my life, this is what I was really seeking.
It’s always been her.
She’s my destiny, my purpose.
The ecstasy explodes within me like fireworks, and I let out a roar. My hands grip her hips, pulling her closer, deeper, harder into me. The world around me sparkles and blurs.
In what feels like an eternity later, she’s lying against my chest, her ragged breathing finally growing rhythmic.
“If you’re better on Friday,” I say, my voice hoarse, “I want you to come to my game.”
She swallows. “Yeah?”
“And you’re wearing my jersey.”
She’s quiet for a long while. “You don’t care what Noah thinks?”
“No,” I say immediately.
And I don’t. I’m done hiding. If God has really forsaken me, I have a new dream to fill the longing in my chest.
For now, I’m going to keep it.
I’m going to keep her.
I’ll tell Noah everything as soon as I’ve worked out with Lily what this really means for us. He’ll be angry. He might even end our friendship.
It will hurt. It will hurt badly, but I won’t give her up for anything.
“Okay,” she mutters.
I press my lips against hers, kissing her with a fervent desperation.
I love her. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life.
If she’s not my true salvation, may God strike me down.