Chapter 9 #3
Except Ellis knew the truth, and it made her feel unworthy. All the years of the duchess’s harsh comments and snide remarks hadn’t beaten her down, but the revelation of the truth had succeeded where Her Grace hadn’t.
“I suppose we mustn’t discount things with which we have no experience,” Jo said. “I didn’t think I ever wanted to be a mother, and look at me now.” She smiled as she gently caressed the roundness of her belly.
Shockingly, Ellis felt a stab of envy. Why? She’d never wanted—or at least expected—to be a mother. Did she want that? She’d honestly never allowed herself to imagine it, and she wasn’t going to start now.
Setting those thoughts aside and hopefully never contemplating them again, Ellis fixed her full attention on Jo. “Tell me about our father. He still doesn’t know about me, does he?”
Jo shook her head. “I didn’t want him to know until you were ready. After the way you found out about your parents, I think you more than deserve to manage what happens next.”
“Nothing is going to happen with the duchess.” Ellis allowed her lip to curl, for she could not hide her loathing for the woman. “I do appreciate you thinking of me, but don’t you think our father deserves to know the truth?”
“I’m not sure, actually. I’m rather angry with him about the timing of it all. You know you’re only three months younger than me?”
Ellis drew in a sharp breath. She hadn’t realized that. “Our mothers were carrying at the same time? Was your mother aware?”
Jo pursed her lips as she nodded. “Yes, which is why I have never lived with my father. My mother turned him out. He didn’t particularly mind, for he’d decided—obviously—that monogamy was not for him.”
“He’s the worst sort of rogue,” Ellis said.
Jo smirked. “Yes. Perhaps if my mother had been presented a copy of the Rogue Rules before marrying my father, she might have reconsidered. I do love him, and I think you will too. He’s not like your mother.
He’s amusing and charming, but also frivolous and hedonistic.
He’s a wonderful writer and an even better painter, and he loves scientific experimentation.
However, he’s also distractable, so he’s never worked at anything hard or long enough to make a name for himself. ”
“I like to paint,” Ellis said. “Perhaps I inherited that from him.”
“He will be ecstatic,” Jo replied before adopting a serious expression.
“I hope you aren’t expecting his financial support because he has little money.
He had a small inheritance from a distant uncle that he mostly frittered away.
Mama took from him what was left several years ago and invested it.
She now gives him an allowance from the interest it earns and augments the payments with some of her own money, though he doesn’t know that.
She still cares for him as someone she once loved and the father of her only child, but she’d deny it. ”
Ellis hadn’t known what to expect from Rowland Harker, but it wasn’t financial support. She simply wanted a parent. “I suppose I would just like to know that I have a father and that he might care for me.”
Jo gave her an encouraging smile. “I think he will, though he really isn’t much of a father.
He’s more like a friend with whom you’d like to walk in the park or meet at Gunter’s for ice cream.
He’s great fun, but not remotely dependable.
And he has ridiculous expectations. He was over the moon when I was betrothed to the heir to a duke. ”
“He didn’t know the betrothal was fake in the beginning, did he?” Ellis asked.
“No, we didn’t trust him with the secret. Which is why we haven’t told him about you. He would have run straight to you and declared himself your father.”
Honestly, that might have been better than the way Ellis had actually found out—overhearing Min arguing with their mother. “So, I will be the one to tell him?”
“If you want. Or someone else can if that’s your preference. As I said, it should be up to you what happens next.”
Ellis wasn’t sure what she wanted. Not yet. “May I think about it?”
“Of course!” Jo assured her. “There’s certainly no hurry. Though, I do hope you’ll want to see Min sooner than later.”
“Does she know you’re seeing me today?” Ellis asked softly.
Jo shook her head. “I didn’t want her to be hurt. And I don’t say that to be cruel. It’s simply the truth. She misses you terribly and feels awful about what happened—how you overheard her.”
“I know. I just wish she’d told me.” Ellis had thought through that conversation she’d overheard a thousand times, and whilst the pain had lessened, she didn’t think she’d ever forget the shock and devastation she’d felt in that moment.
It had been a horrible, life-changing event, and Ellis had simply run away.
“I suppose I understand why you were hesitant, but it does hurt to know that Min knew something so important about me and didn’t tell me.
But I’m not angry with her. Not anymore. ”
“Perhaps I will tell her I saw you,” Jo said.
“You should if you want to. I want her to know I’m well and that I miss her. Please tell her I love her and I’ll see her soon.”
“I will. But what are you doing now? Where are you lodging? Pandora says she’s sworn to secrecy. Min and I are aware that the duke knows where you’re living.”
“I’d rather not say.” Ellis didn’t want anyone trying to communicate with her while she was in Keele’s employ. She probably shouldn’t have taken a position with someone who moved in the same circle as the very people she was trying to avoid.
But as complicated as her job was turning out to be, she didn’t regret it. After so many years of being made to believe she was a burden and wondering what would happen to her when Min wed, it was wonderful to make her own choices, to have a chance to map her own future.
She also couldn’t deny that the growing attraction between her and Keele gave her a thrilling excitement she’d never experienced.
It was clear they wanted each other and that it would take very little to push them into the other’s arms. Ellis wasn’t sure how much longer she could resist the inexorable pull she felt not just when she was with him, but at every waking moment.
Even now, she could scarcely wait to return downstairs and see if the coach ride home would lead to more kissing.
“I won’t press you,” Jo said. “You know how to reach me. Us. We will wait to hear from you. Can Pandora forward messages to you from us?”
“I’d prefer you went through the duke, as you’ve been doing.” Ellis didn’t have to worry that he would raise suspicion. When he sent missives to her, he did so through the regular post and not via a liveried footman. He also didn’t use anything signifying his title or name on the envelope.
“Certainly.” Jo nodded. “I’m not sure how much longer Pandora will be in London anyway. It sounds as though she’s finalized her publishing contract. It’s so exciting! I wish I could host a literary soiree for her, but she’s to remain anonymous, of course.”
Ellis had to bite her tongue—not in reality—to keep from telling Jo that she was involved, at least in a small way, with the publication of A Season in Shadow. Indeed, she should be on her way lest she reveal too much overall. She also didn’t want to keep Keele waiting too long.
“I should be going.” Ellis stood, and Jo pushed herself up. “You don’t have to stand.”
“I need to go too,” Jo said. “Sheff will be here soon to fetch me.”
“He’s coming here?” Ellis didn’t mean to sound panicked, but she wasn’t ready to see Sheff either.
He was her half-brother now—an earl. She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of being a bastard whilst also being related to nobility.
Though Sheff wasn’t some arrogant peer. He’d always been the older brother who teased Min.
Ellis realized he’d never done that to her, but then he hadn’t known they were siblings.
“Yes.” Jo grimaced. “Are you worried about running into him? I didn’t think of it. I’m sorry.”
Ellis was more concerned that Sheff would run into Keele downstairs in the club. She’d need to gain Keele’s attention without Sheff seeing her. Though her disguise had convinced Jo, Ellis wasn’t sure it would fool Sheff, not after years of living in the same household together.
“He doesn’t know I’m here, does he?” Ellis asked.
“No, and I won’t tell him.”
“I hate asking you to be secretive.” Ellis also missed Sheff nearly as much as she missed Min. “Please tell him you saw me and that I’ll see him soon too.”
They embraced once more before Ellis departed.
On the way down to the club she tried to think of when and how she would see Min.
Regardless, she needed to tell Min—and Pandora and Jo and anyone else who wanted her to return to her old life—that she was now on her own path and she wasn’t yet sure where it would lead.
She didn’t want to sever her ties with them completely, but they were the past, the lie that Ellis had been living for over a decade and a half.
Ellis didn’t want that life anymore. She wanted something new, something she chose and in which she had power.
She just had to determine what that was.