Chapter 18 #2
Her gaze drifted past him, to the spot where the Ferris wheel had been set up that night four years ago. She remembered how the city lights glittered like stars from the top, and how when they’d paused at the peak of the wheel, she’d given into the mad urge to kiss him.
He’d tasted like candy sugar, and nothing in her life had ever felt as terrifying and right as that kiss had.
‘So, since I answered one of your questions this morning, I figure you owe me one too.’
She turned to face him, taking a bite of the chaat. ‘What do you want to know?’
It seemed like he was searching for the right words. ‘You never answered my question about your childhood from this morning.’
She looked ahead toward the water, the sun dipping slightly. ‘It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exactly good either. I just remember that I was utterly exhausted.’
He stayed silent, waiting patiently for her to continue. She was grateful for it, because it gave her a chance to gather her fractured thoughts.
‘I was always competing with Dhruv because he was better than me at everything. Then, there was sweet and sensitive Kashu who needed me to help her navigate her life. And Dad? He monitored every grade, every outfit, every opinion of mine. There was never a version of me that was enough for him, and when I pushed back, I was tagged as the difficult child.’
‘And your mother?’ he asked.
She smiled despite the ache blooming in her chest. ‘Maa was the only one who saw all of me and accepted me without trying to tweak my personality.’
‘How old were you when she…’ he trailed off, unable to finish it.
‘I was ten and Kashu was six.’
‘It must’ve been difficult to deal with it at such a young age, under the scrutiny of the media,’ Abhay said, tracing shapes on the back of her hand.
‘It wasn’t the media that made it difficult. It was the emotional trauma of the accident,’ she confessed.
‘Wait. You’d been with her in the car? I didn’t know,’ he said, the crease between his eyes deepened.
‘Dad worked hard to keep that titbit out of the media, but both Kashvi and I had been in the car with her. I don’t remember the impact. I woke up directly in the hospital with a cracked rib, fractured pelvis, and an ugly scar just above my hip.’
‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart,’ Abhay said, shifting closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
She rubbed the back of his hand, grateful to have his strength to lean on.
‘Was Kashvi hurt too?’
Siya was about to shake her head, but then caught herself, because it would’ve been a lie. ‘Kashu was unharmed physically, but emotionally, she has never really recovered. She hasn’t slept through the night since that day, and struggles with insomnia and night terrors.’
Abhay nodded, finally figuring it out. ‘That’s why you hate leaving her alone at night.’
‘It’s not rational, I know, but after everything, I can’t shake the guilt. Even now, she wakes up from nightmares crying. She hides it well, but I’ve always known.’
‘Where was your Dad in all of this?’
‘He didn’t come home until after I recovered.’
Abhay looked stunned. ‘He didn’t come home for months?!’
She picked at the fraying edge of her sundress as she answered.
‘No. Dad stayed in Hawaii. The funeral was handled by his manager. Kashu and I… we just had each other. She used to sit by my hospital bed, scared that I was going to die too. She was still a kid, yet she was the one bringing me water, helping me walk to the bathroom when I should’ve been the one taking care of her. ’
‘I just don’t understand how he could stay away from his daughter after a tragedy like that,’ Abhay said, anger radiating off him.
Siya shrugged. ‘I stopped expecting anything from him a long time ago. Kashvi has been my priority because her whole world disappeared in a matter of days. She learned to internalise everything, so much so that it terrifies me that I don’t know what’s really going on in her mind.
I don’t know if she’s actually okay or only pretending to be for my sake. ’
‘You’ve done everything you could for her, and you still are,’ he tried to assure her.
‘Sometimes that still doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough,’ she whispered her deepest fear.
‘I understand that fear. I’ve felt that fear, especially after my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago.’
Her head snapped toward him, eyes wide. ‘What? Abhay—I didn’t know.’
‘We made sure to keep it under the wraps because Mom asked us not to. Thankfully she’s fine now, in remission, but for a while, I was terrified.
I’d be in meetings, in the middle of a pitch, and all I could think about was whether she’d eaten, whether Dad was holding it together, whether I was doing enough. ’
‘How did you get through it?’ she asked, making idle circles on his ankle.
‘Honestly, Raag saved my sanity. Mom was struggling and Dad took the news hard. As their only kid, I felt overwhelmed because I couldn’t be with both of them at the same time. Raag stepped in and helped me balance everything. I owe him for that.’
‘We’re lucky to have friends like them, hai na? Whenever Meera and Damini Aunty found time, they’d come over and help me out as much as they could.’
‘But could they help as much emotionally?’
Siya shook her head, despair coursing through her. ‘I had no time for my grief. Someone had to be the one who got up every morning, who made sure Kashu went to school on time, managed the house, and represented my father at board meetings when he was partying it up somewhere.’
‘That sounds like a lot for a kid,’ he said.
‘With time, the only thing that gave me peace was drawing. Maa used to sketch every Sunday, and after she was gone, I started copying her designs from old notebooks. At first it was a distraction, something to do with my hands when I couldn’t sleep. But over time, it became my salvation.’
‘What’s your favourite piece of hers?’
She didn’t even have to think about the answer. ‘An oval, deep ocean blue sapphire ring surrounded by delicate diamonds. It was the first piece Mom ever commissioned for Kashyap Luxe. She was only seventeen when she designed it.’
‘How come I haven’t seen this piece, not even in the catalogue?’
‘It’s part of the original bespoke heirloom, and hasn’t left the safe since she passed away. That ring is the first thing I’ll get access to the day I become the Managing Director.’
‘And what about Dhruv? How did he come into the picture?’
‘Dad brought him home on Maa’s first death anniversary, said he’s our brother, and told us to treat him like he is a part of our family. At the time, I’d been too numb to process it so I just went along with it.’
‘And how did Kashvi take it?’
‘She hated him and as she got older and pieced the story together, her resentment only grew. For her, Dhruv was proof that everything we knew about our family had been a lie. Our mother was barely in the ground and Dad had brought his mistress’ kid home.’
‘Do you hate him too?’ he asked after a long pause.
‘I don’t know,’ she confessed. ‘Some days I think I do. Other days I feel sorry for him. He was thrown into the same storm as us, and instead of helping us survive together, Dad made us all fight to stay above water. And Dhruv? He loves pushing buttons, especially mine. It was through his phone call that I realised who you really were.’
Abhay closed his eyes, pain flashing across his face. ‘I’ve wished every day since then that you hadn’t found out the truth that way. I came back to the room with every intention of telling you everything, but you were already gone by then.’
‘Because you’d lied to me.’
‘Yeah, and I really regret that. That evening, when I came over to help my friend and he told me he was managing the party for the Kashyaps, I couldn’t resist the urge to meet you. I snuck in and found you by the balcony. Luckily, I amused you with my stupid jokes, too. And then, I fucked up.’
‘Real bad,’ she said under her breath.
Abhay sighed, and looked away. ‘Yeah. I know. Nica told me that too.’
She raised her brows, curious. ‘Veronica knew?’
A rueful smile tugged at the edge of his mouth. ‘You might think I’m most close with Raghav, but it was her. She was the only one who knew about you, about us. I told her everything after you left. Being a true Delhi girl, she didn’t sugarcoat as she ripped into me for making such a dumb mistake.’
‘I can imagine,’ Siya chuckled.
‘She ordered me to find you, no matter what it took. She said if I really meant it, I’d go after you and fix what I ruined.’
‘Then why didn’t you?’ she challenged him. Siya would never confess but a small part of her thought maybe he’d show up.
Abhay took a deep breath. ‘Because the next day, Nica passed away in a car accident. I stayed with Raag because he was heartbroken. By the time the fog of grief began to clear, I thought it was too late. When I tried to get in touch with you, I found you’d blocked me on every social media platform.
I understood the hint that you wanted me to leave you alone, and after what I did, I figured the least I could do was respect that. ’
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. For days after their night together, all of her time was spent dealing with her bruised heart, but he’d been dealing with far worse.
He continued. ‘But then I saw you again at that first group dinner with Meera and Raghav, and you looked at me with so much hate that my heart actually felt hope again.’
Her eyebrows drew together, confusion flashing across her face. ‘Hope?’
‘Yes, because if I’d seen cold, detached indifference in your eyes, I would’ve known that there was nothing left to fight for. Through all that anger and resentment, you still cared enough to hate me, and I began to hope for my poor heart,’ he said.
That claim made her breath catch. For a fleeting, terrifying second, she didn’t know whether she wanted to push him away or close the gap between them.
‘You feel that way because you got caught lying,’ she accused, but her words no longer burned as hot as they used to.