16. Miles
16
MILES
S he was asleep, her light purple locks spread across the white pillowcase. I had never seen someone sleep as deeply as Aria. A bomb could have gone off, and it wouldn’t have disturbed her. Just for the hell of it, I moved around a bit, enough to jostle her. It didn’t so much affect the rhythm of her breathing.
She was on her stomach, one arm bent across the pillow, the sheets twisted around her naked body in an enticing way. Covering all the important bits but hinting at a variable playground of delights I’d already sampled after returning from the anniversary party. Valentina had headed to her apartment while Magnus and Evelyn had hung back to relive their glory days a little longer.
What a shame I couldn’t have joined her in sleep. There was something burning in me, a red-hot coal lodged in my chest. Two rounds of almost exhausting sex hadn’t been enough to douse it. Nothing would.
The timeline didn’t make sense.
No matter how I went over it in my mind, I couldn’t make it line up. Mom had always been adamant about Evelyn stealing Magnus from her. Yet Magnus had referred to himself as newly single when reminiscing about their first kiss. Meaning, I assumed the divorce was in process or had already been finalized.
Someone had to be wrong somewhere. I didn’t want it to be me.
No, I couldn’t be. Fuck, Mom had driven the tale into my head more times than I cared to count. Some children were brought up reciting prayers at bedtime or reading fairy tales. I grew up with an ugly story of betrayal burned into my young consciousness.
“He couldn’t even dump me in private to leave me with a little dignity.” Mom’s vicious recounting was vivid, chillingly so. “He had to wait until his asshole friends were throwing an engagement party to stand on a chair and tell me to fuck myself in front of half of Manhattan that he was in love with Evelyn. I became a joke. Nobody took my side. I couldn’t show my face in public after that. I used every last penny I had to fly to England for a fresh start, along with my baby boy,” she would always conclude, and somehow her already vicious tone would become harder and colder. “I wish I had stayed behind. I could’ve looked that bastard in the eye when he refused to pay more than a pittance in the divorce settlement. I’m sure he tipped his housekeeper more than he gave me after destroying my reputation and making me a laughingstock in front of all those people.”
I rolled onto my back, the silk sheets cool beneath my overheated body. I was too hot inside, burning with indecision. Should I ask Magnus for his side of the story? It didn’t matter, and it wouldn’t change anything. Besides, it might tip him off if I appeared too interested in the past. He might realize I didn’t buy his version of history.
Was he as two-faced as I was always led to believe? I couldn’t make the image Mom drilled into my head match up with the loving family man I’d observed at the party earlier—adoring husband, doting father. Had time worked its charm on him?
Doubt had planted itself and was beginning to grow. All because of a story about a first kiss. It left me grinding my teeth against the impulse to bang down Magnus’s bedroom door and demand answers.
Who was I kidding? He wouldn’t tell the truth, only his version of it. Mom was no longer here to defend herself. He was bound to say anything so long as he came out looking like the hero, the way he always tried to do. Mr. Generous, an all-around good guy who had disgraced his wife in front of everyone she knew and mocked her with his new relationship. I couldn’t trust him. It would be foolish to let a few weeks of generosity undo decades of pain and struggle.
“You’re still awake?”
The last thing I’d expected was to hear Aria’s soft, sleepy voice beside me. “You aren’t asleep?” I countered in surprise.
“Not right now.” She yawned, somehow managing to make it look adorable, rubbing a fist over her eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Go back to sleep.” I sat up, reaching for the foot of the bed and the duvet bunched up there. I shook it out, then spread it over her. “It seems I have a lot on my mind.”
“You know, you can talk to me about it.” She rolled onto her side, yawning but determined to stay awake. “I could tell you were deep in thought earlier at the party. You don’t have to hold everything inside.”
If only it were that simple—a matter of getting over my male pride and the stoicism that seemed to be bred in many of us. “Things have been busy with work. Nothing you need to worry about. I shouldn’t let it get to me while I’m in the company of others.”
“You’re only human,” she murmured. “It’s okay. And sometimes, my family can be a little overwhelming. Everybody has this long history and a million inside jokes. They all talk over each other, they bust balls. It’s a lot to take in.”
“It had nothing to do with that.” I wished it had. I could handle ballbusting. “I envy you that. Your family. That history. No one…”
What the fuck was I doing? I hadn’t intended to go down this winding, twisting path. She didn’t need to know, and I doubt she wanted to know about me. No one ever had.
“Go on,” she whispered. Her hand touched my chest, resting before she began tracing the outline of the lion’s head. “What made you get this?”
If anything, I was glad for the sudden change in subject. “It’s a symbol of strength. The king of the beasts.”
“That’s how you see yourself?” There was soft laughter in her voice and something else. Sexy, flirtatious. It stirred something in me and left me wanting to pull her close. For her to cling to me so I could hold her closer. What the hell was happening in my head? A simple party and I was untethered, uncertain of myself.
“That’s what I am,” I replied with a grin I didn’t feel.
“So what were you going to say before you cut yourself off?” She propped herself up on her elbow, her hair spilling over my shoulder while she gazed down at me. I had accused her of running away once. Now, that was all I wanted to do. To hide from her. It would have been too easy to confess everything. And that was all I longed to do.
All my life, I’d never had anyone to confide in. None of the close friendships Aria had known. The friendships her parents knew. I’d been isolated, if not consciously on my part, then as the result, being different from everyone else. Poor, hungry, and sometimes in dirty clothes until I was old enough to collect spare change from our apartment to pay for the laundromat.
I wanted to tell her. The words were there on the tip of my tongue, ready to spill over my lips. So many years. So much shame. Nobody understood that kind of shame. Not her, that I was certain. Being ashamed of something there was no control over. It wasn’t my fault Mom’s life turned out the way it had or that we had no money. There’d been no way for me to control any of it. Yet I had grown up feeling the need to apologize for being who I was or how I was—friendless, poor, no siblings, and a mother absent most of the time. She barely made ends meet even with all the work and the hours she’d spent away from me.
“It must’ve been nice for you,” I mused, stroking a strand of her hair and staring at it to avoid having to look at her and be seen. “Having all these people who cared about you. Knowing there was… a net. Something to catch you if you fell.”
“You didn’t have that?”
I shook my head. “Nowhere near it. You were right about it being overwhelming, but not for the reason you thought. They seem like good people.” For the most part. They weren’t what I’d expected, that was for certain. Aside from Magnus and Evelyn, I have lately found myself wishing I could be part of them—sitting back, having drinks, bullshitting about work and life, and creating memories together like we had in Vermont.
I would never be part of this because there was no scenario where this ends happily. It couldn’t. I had come too far.
She pressed her lips to my shoulder, lingering there for a long time before she kissed my cheek. “Why don’t we go to sleep now?” she whispered in my ear, running a hand through my hair.
“Right. We should.” I draped an arm around her, pulling her close. Her head rested on my shoulder, the sweet scent of her hair lingering in the air as I closed my eyes and reminded myself where all this had started. I’d come too far to turn back now. There were other women for me to turn to once this was over. I would build a life as soon as I’d avenged my mother’s.
If only I could make the timeline work. I went over it again, staring at the ceiling long after Aria fell asleep.
She could afford to sleep well. She would never understand what it meant to lie awake at night and question what she’d once believed was a fundamental truth.
But if I were wrong, that would mean my mother lied to me, fed me poison all my life, and turned me against the very people I was raised to despise. My whole world would be a lie.