12. Danil
12
DANIL
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve reached for my phone to message Emily over the past few days. And each time I type out a message, I end up deleting it. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find the right thing to say to her.
I was hoping that she would break the ice first, but she’s been just as silent.
Does that mean she regrets what happened?
Fuck, this is bad.
I can’t remember the last time we went twenty-four hours without talking. Even if it was just a quick text just to check in, I’d still see her name pop up on my phone, and it was enough to bring a smile to my face.
But there’s been nothing.
I miss her so much, and I’ve been driving myself insane trying to figure out what to do. Perhaps I’m just too much of a coward to face her, because when I do, I might also have to face the fact that she might not like me.
At least not in a way that ends up with us walking down an aisle.
Kissing Emily felt so right in the moment. It was clear we both wanted it, and I have no doubt that it would have gone further if Dimitri hadn’t walked in.
But then I had to go and fuck it all up, and now I’ve ruined our friendship.
This is exactly what I was afraid of. If I end up losing Emily because of this, it might just break me.
I need to do something, but I have no idea what.
Do I send her a text and apologize for what happened?
But that seems juvenile. Besides, I’m not sorry that the kiss happened. What I am sorry for is the way I acted when we were interrupted. I didn’t want Dimitri to think something was going on between us, because then Zara would have found out, and I didn't want her thinking that I’m just using her sister for sex because that’s not true.
She would have every right to think that, though, because I don’t exactly have the most stellar reputation.
I’m almost thirty, and I’ve never had a serious girlfriend, so she has every reason not to believe me if I told her I was serious about Emily.
But why does it bother me what Zara thinks? Or Dimitri?
Ultimately, it only matters that Emily knows how I really feel about her. We’re both grown-ass adults. We don’t need anyone’s permission to see each other.
So, why does it feel like we do?
Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest out of all of my brothers, and I’ve always felt a need to prove myself to them. I’ve craved my brothers’ approval my entire life, but if I have any chance of moving forward with Emily, I need to change that before it’s too late.
On Monday afternoon, I follow Emily from her final class of the day to the library.
Campus is fairly quiet, considering that most of the classes have finished for the day, so I have to be extra careful not to be seen.
Though, I would love to see the look on Emily’s face if she saw me in a T-shirt and jeans. She would tease me mercilessly, and I would love every second of it.
Fuck, I miss her.
My body is so attuned to her that even seeing her from a distance has my blood heating.
I can still taste her on my lips, and watching her hips sway as she wears those denim cut-offs has me adjusting myself.
Knowing what it feels like to have her in my lap and kissing me is like offering an alcoholic a shot of vodka.
It quells the itch for a time, but ultimately, it only makes you crave it more.
We need to talk, but I don’t want to have this conversation with her over text. She deserves more than that.
So, as I watch Emily head into the library, I almost blow my cover by intercepting her, just so she would have no choice but to talk to me face to face.
Except, as much as I want to tell her how I feel, it feels wrong for her not to know that I’ve been following her all this time. Keeping secrets never ends well, and the fact that she’s still walking around the city thinking that Isaak is still out there feels wrong.
Screw what Dimitri thinks.
Emily deserves to know the truth. If I’m to come clean about my feelings, I come clean about everything .
Ignoring the urge to follow Emily inside the library, I take a seat on my usual bench, which gives me a perfect view of the library without being directly in Emily’s eyeline when she leaves.
I know from experience that the only other way out of the building is the emergency exit around the back that is off limits to students, so there’s no way I’ll miss her.
Knowing Emily, she’s going to be in the library for at least a couple of hours, so I lean back and lift my face to the sun, deciding to soak up some rays while I wait.
I’m honestly surprised that Emily hasn’t figured out that I’ve been following her. From the way she constantly glances over her shoulder, it makes me think she has. After all, there’s been a few close calls where I’ve almost run straight into her.
The other day, I was following behind her as we walked past the student service center, and out of nowhere, she turned around and almost walked right into me. Thankfully, a girl pushed in front of me, and I was able to quickly adjust my cap and turn the other way, otherwise I would have been completely fucked.
There isn’t exactly a logical explanation as to why I would be hanging about outside the student service center when I no longer go to this school.
But the longer I watch her, the less comfortable I am with this entire situation. Add the kiss into the mix, and it’s a recipe for disaster.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and shoot Dimitri a message.
I think we should tell Emily the truth.
Dimitri
No.
Me
Why?
Dimitri
Because I said so.
I grit my teeth. My brother can be a stubborn ass when he wants to be.
Me
Seriously?! Stop being a dick, Dimitri. You’re telling me that if Zara were in this position, you’d want to keep her in the dark?
It takes at least a minute for the three dots to appear.
I have no doubt that Dimitri is cursing my name as he types out his reply, but I don’t care.
Ultimately, my relationship with Emily is on the line here, and I want to do what’s right by her.
Dimitri
She doesn’t need to know, Danil, and I swear to god, if I find out you’ve told her without mine or Alexei’s permission, you’re out of the bratva.
I know it’s nothing more than an empty threat, considering the fact that my brothers threaten to remove me from the bratva every other god-damned week, but it still stings. I’ve lost count of the amount of times Dimitri has gone behind Alexei’s back and ignored his instructions, and he doesn’t get nearly as much shit as I do.
So, I don’t reply to Dimitri’s message.
It’s about fucking time I stood my own ground, so I vow to myself that I will tell Emily the truth.
Tonight.
I’m starting to sweat from sitting out in the sun for the past two hours, but Emily is still inside the library, so I have no choice but to stay put. Knowing her, she’s buried her nose in a book and has completely lost track of time.
I can only hope that she’s going to get hungry at some point and decide to make an appearance, so I at least have an excuse to stretch my legs.
Just as my own stomach starts to growl, I receive another message from my brother.
Me
Is everything okay??
I frown at Dimitri's message.
Is he asking me if I’m pissed at him? Because I’m pretty sure I made my feelings perfectly clear.
Me
Christ, Dimitri, when did you turn into such a girl?
Dimitri
What the fuck are you talking about?
Me
What are YOU talking about?
Dimitri
Emily… Zara is freaking out.
My head snaps up, and I glance at the front entrance to the library.
Did Emily leave, and I didn’t notice?
That’s impossible. I’ve had my eyes fixed on the door. I would have seen her leave. Unless she went out of the emergency exit…
My phone buzzes in my hand with an incoming call from Dimitri, and I let out a sigh of annoyance.
“Everything’s fine, Dimitri.” I grit my teeth as I glance around the emptying quad.
A few students are still enjoying the last few rays of the early evening sun, but in another hour, it will be dark.
There's no sign of Emily.
“Emily hasn’t replied to any of Zara’s messages for over an hour.”
“She’s probably studying. She is in the library, after all.”
“That wasn’t the deal. She promised Zara that she would always keep her phone on if she were out of the house.”
“Seriously, Dimitri. What the hell is the girl supposed to do? She needs to study. It’s not like she can get much peace and quiet at your place.”
“Where is she right now?”
“Like I said, she’s in the library.”
“Is she?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, can you actually see her?”
“Well…no. I’m sitting on a bench outside, but my eyes have been on the entrance ever since she went inside.”
“For fuck’s sake, Danil.”
“What the hell is your problem?”
“You promised Zara that you would keep an eye on her!”
“I am! I can’t very well go and sit in the library with her, now, can I? It’s small enough that she would notice, especially at this time of day.”
“That’s not fucking good enough. I need you to have eyes on her now .”
I fight the urge to snap at my brother again.
How is it that he can make me feel completely useless in a matter of minutes?
“Fine.”
“Message me the moment you see her.” He hangs up on me.
I shove my phone into my pocket and get to my feet.
My back cracks as I stretch my arms over my head and take another look around the quad.
Emily definitely isn’t here, which means she must still be in the library.
Unless she really did take the emergency exit.
I pull my hood up and stalk around the side of the building.
In order to get close enough to see inside the windows, I have to force my way through the flower beds that wrap around the entire building. “Shit.”
The windows are just above my eye level, so I have to stand on my tiptoes to see inside. But when I do, I notice that the place is almost deserted, except for Emily and Carla sitting opposite her.
Emily’s sitting at one of the tables, her head bent over a book as she quickly scribbles notes down on a scrap of paper.
A smile tugs at my lips as I watch her. When we used to study together, I used to tease her for the way she frowns when she’s studying so intently.
She looks so adorable.
I shoot Dimitri a quick, got eyes on her. She’s studying in the library, before he has a chance to ring me again.
I think I’ve had enough of my brother for one day.
It’s all well and good keeping my eyes physically on her, but the fact is now I look shady as fuck, standing at a window with a hood pulled low over my head. Anyone walking past would think I’m stalking someone.
And from the looks of the security guard currently walking toward me, he thinks exactly that.
“Shit.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out my keys before tossing them on the ground just as the guard approaches me.
“What are you doing?”
“I dropped my car keys. I’m just retracing my steps.”
“In a flower bush?”
I glance down at the trampled flowers beneath my feet before looking back at the guard. “Yes.”
“Are you a student here?”
“Uh…”
“Can I see some ID?”
I nod before reaching into my pocket for my wallet.
Thankfully, I still have my old college ID from when I was a grad student, but I have no idea if it will be enough to appease this security guard.
He takes it and frowns at the picture.
I slyly reach for my hood and pull it down, making sure I’m out of sight of the window in case Emily decides to look up.
“This ID is expired.”
“I graduated last summer. I came back to visit my old professor to talk to him about a reference for a job.”
The lie falls easily off my tongue, but I’m not sure if it’s enough to convince the guard.
He says nothing for a minute, and I wonder if he’s about to escort me to campus jail.
My brothers would have a field day with that one…
I think it’s about time I get the hell out of here, so I glance back down at the ground and spot my keys among the bushes.
“Ah, found them.” I bend down to pick up my keys. “Thank fucking Christ. I did not want to walk home.”
I offer the guy an easy smile, and it seems to do the trick.
“Well, have a good night.” He hands me my ID card before turning his back on me and walking away.
I let out a breath of relief before peering through the window once more to check on Emily.
Except she’s gone.