Chapter 13
Chapter
Thirteen
She kissed him.
Whitney had kissed him.
Kissed him.
A woman like her, so sweet and innocent, had made the choice to press her plump lips to his.
Or had she made a choice?
Had she been caught up in the moment and reacted without thinking?
Did she regret it now?
Of course, she regrets it now, you idiot. You didn't kiss her back. You just stood there like a moron while an attractive woman kissed you. Didn't even go after her when she ran because you're a coward.
There was absolutely no defense he could offer to his own internal ream out.
That was all true. He’d been too shocked to react when she suddenly surged up on tiptoe and kissed him.
When he’d talked about her next move being going for her attacker’s groin, he’d thought he might have triggered something.
They hadn't talked about her time being held prisoner by the doctor, but she’d been with him for many years, and it was possible she’d been sexually assaulted either by him or one of his employees.
She’d seemed particularly afraid of the man who had found her when they’d been in the woods.
But before he could check in with her, make sure she was okay, ask her to give him a list of any triggers so they could work around them, and then through them at a later date, she was kissing him.
Even though she had been the one to kiss him, Blade couldn’t help but feel like he had somehow taken advantage of her.
He had been as close to flirting with her as he was willing to permit himself to get when he’d brushed his fingertips across her temples.
She was so damn innocent that a simple touch was probably enough to confuse her.
Because she had to be confused.
It was the only way to explain why she would kiss him.
There was no logical reason why a pretty girl like Whitney, who was smart as can be, would choose to kiss a man like him. One who had taken pleasure in her pain, who had tortured her, made her bleed, and been prepared to end her life and not feel a second of remorse for it.
“For someone who has enhanced hearing, you sure don’t seem to use that particular skill very wisely,” Lion said, and Blade blinked to find all five of his teammates watching him with varying degrees of concern.
After fleeing from their impromptu training session, Whitney must have gone back up to her room, gotten paper and pens from somewhere on her way, and written out a very detailed list of everything she knew about Dr. Gardner.
Like he would have expected her to be, she’d been very thorough, started at the beginning, and logically worked her way through the years.
She’d included names of people, guards and scientists, descriptions of them, including how she thought they might respond if caught, and how loyal she thought they were to their boss.
Some of the information was too technical for him to figure out without looking up the names of drugs, but she’d given a brief rundown on the composition of the drug and how she made it, noting that the changes Dr. Gardner made weren't usually passed on to her.
There were some locations in there that they would check out, but she wasn't sure if they were still active labs, claiming that other than the main building, which she had cleared out and destroyed, the other labs popped up, remaining there only for a short time before being dismantled and moved on.
Everything was written out in a neat script, and she’d passed the notes along to Rose and Cassandra to give to them, still hiding out in her room the last he’d heard, although he’d been too much of a coward to go and see her.
What was he supposed to say?
Thanks for kissing me, but are you out of your mind? Why would you do that?
“What happened in the gym?” Voodoo asked, and Blade wondered how much they already knew.
“She wanted to learn self-defense,” he replied.
“And?” Lion prompted.
“And what?”
“Playing dumb again,” Steel tutted.
“And she went running out of there like the room was on fire and then went to her room and didn't come back out,” Thunder added.
Blade just shrugged. Was he supposed to tell them that she’d kissed him, and he hadn't kissed her back? They’d think he was an idiot for sure.
It wasn't that he cared what his team thought, only …
he did care what his team thought. Because they weren't just his team, they were his family now, and they had fought and lived side by side for the last decade.
“I messed up,” he finally said.
“Rose will be mad,” Steel said with a smirk. “She’s taken quite a liking to your little genius.”
“Cassandra too,” Dragon said, although he didn't smirk, if anything, he was pouting.
“She said she won't have sex with me again until I apologize to Whitney for trying to kill her.
Only I wasn't really trying to kill her, I just smelled the explosives, knew she set them, that Cassandra had been in that building when she blew it up, and I … lost myself to the anger for a moment.”
It was clear the man felt bad about it, and honestly, they’d all been there. Just because they had survived the anger and suicidal thoughts that came with the drugs didn't mean they didn't battle against them every single day.
“I’m sorry,” Dragon said, sincerity shining from his unusual violet eyes.
“Why are you apologizing to me?” Blade asked.
“I think we all know why,” Dragon said with more gentleness than he was used to seeing from the other man. “I should have thought before I acted.”
Dragging his hands through his short hair, Blade shook his head.
“I get it. We all do. Sometimes the monster in us takes over, and we lose control. Cassandra could have died in the explosion, we all could have. We were lucky to walk away with minor injuries. Trust is still shaky when it comes to Whitney, even though we all know that she was just a child and was not responsible for being forced into the position she was in.”
“There’s no monster in us, Blade,” Steel said, serious now.
“You know what I mean,” he said with a shrug that was meant to be nonchalant but likely failed.
“No, I don’t,” Steel pushed. “We all thought we were monsters, and over these last few weeks we’ve begun to accept that we aren't. Dr. Gardner tried to control everything about us, including our thoughts, but he failed. Rose is proof of that, Cassandra is proof of that, Whitney is proof of that. Even though we know Whitney is technically responsible for changing the course of our entire lives, we’re also still capable of accepting that the circumstances surrounding that were outside of her control. Do you know why that is?”
“Why?” he asked, petulantly refusing to give the answer that they all knew.
“Because we aren't monsters. We were never monsters,” Steel said firmly, his gaze including all of them.
“I still remember the talk you gave me about Cassandra,” Dragon said. “You pushed me to go to her, to make things right.”
“That was different,” Blade protested.
“How?” Thunder asked.
“Because it’s easier to admit that the rest of you aren't monsters than it is to admit that I'm not. I feel like I am when it comes to her. The things I did to her … honestly, I don’t even know how she can stand to be in the same room as me, let alone look at me in a panic and ask me if I'm coming with her because she feels safer with me close by.”
“Dragon and I have both been there,” Steel said.
“I made the final decision to go after Rose. I ordered her torture. I still don’t understand how she can love me back and have my bite mark tattooed on her skin.
I know Dragon feels the same way when it comes to Cassandra.
But I had to accept that I'm not a monster, Dragon had to accept it.
I mean really accept it, not just pay lip service to it.
Until you can accept it, too, you're never going to be happy.”
There was so much wisdom in those words, but how was he supposed to take them and internalize them? Make them his reality?
They didn't change the fact that he’d left permanent marks on Whitney’s body and soul, that he could never love her the way she deserved, that he would never in a thousand lifetimes be good enough for her.
Maybe he wasn't a monster, but he was a rough and tumble cowboy turned special forces operator, and she was a sweet and innocent genius virgin. How was he supposed to give her what she needed when all he wanted to do was corrupt her mind and body and make her like him?
January 13th
8:08 P.M.
So far so good.
Whitney had successfully avoided everyone for the remainder of the day.
After fleeing Blade after that mortifying non-kiss kiss, she’d found paper and pens in the study she remembered passing and headed back to her room. There, she’d spent a couple of hours writing out everything she could think of that the Delta Team guys might need to know.
Thankfully, with her high IQ came a good memory for details, and she hoped she’d given them enough to destroy Dr. Gardner and his entire operation.
Earlier, that idea would have scared her.
Once the scientist was gone, she would be on her own. It was why she’d asked for the self-defense training in the first place. Now, even though it had been a disaster, she felt so embarrassed, so stupid, that she almost wanted it all to be over so she could be off on her own.
While she’d been writing out her notes, her gaze had kept straying to the closed door to her room. This time she’d basically locked herself in, even if there was no way to lock the door from the inside, but she couldn’t help wondering if Blade was going to come and see her.
She really had to be stupid because what other reason could explain why she hoped Blade would come even as she dreaded seeing him again?
Was this what it was like to like a guy?
Did she like Blade?